Should guests dictate when they will come for the holidays (or ever)?

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I've never heard of celebrating Christmas on Eastern Orthodox which, for me, would mean celebrating on a random back to school and work day.

Not saying that you are wrong to do it that way, but if this isn't a normal thing for your family, maybe your brother is feeling unfairly and purposefully excluded from celebrating with the rest of the family. That's why he is checking with other family members..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should encourage your daughter to be a little more resilient. If this kind of minor inconvenience causes her to be that upset, she is going to have a very tough time in life. You may want to look into counseling to improve her coping skills.

+1 If you don't want him to come, then he shouldn't come, but I can understand why his feelings would be hurt.

In the meanwhile, this PP is right: your kid needs more resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to clarify something.

This is a pattern. My brother is always trying to dictate terms of when and how we see each other. Always. Everything has to be for his family's convenience, and I am always the one bending and compromising. He never does.

My daughter would not have temper tantrums. She would be sad though. I think it is unfair to have her be sad for multiple days in a row to accommodate him.

Also, my DH does not want people here during the work week just getting back from a long trip, which I agree with (he has to work, kids have school/preschool), and I don't think I should be okay having them here and leaving right before Xmas when they could have flown down on Thurs and left on Sunday morning, if they had planned in advance. Weeks ago, he just said he was not coming for Christmas even though it was a weekend. I thought it was a non-issue, and now he is trying to bully his way into plans that are convenient for his family and not for mine. This has happened for years, and frankly, I am sick of it.

(I can't keep her home from school...if you miss 5 days of school, you have to meet with a truancy officer. she has already missed one day this year due to illness. she will miss 2 days in the spring because she is in a wedding for another family member out of state. I can afford for her to miss any days of school.)

Will she be more or less sad if your brother doesn't come at all?

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your brother that having him arrive the day before school starts again is too hectic, and asking him to pick a different day to arrive.

[Anonymous]

I'm sympathetic to the fact that you dislike your brother dictating when he's coming, particularly if he's demanding you host him(!) the day after you return from a long trip(!!).

However....

You don't get to dictate when he visits, either. Say "Those dates don't work for us. We can host you XYZ." And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. C'est la vie.

[Anonymous]

You might not want to bring your daughter into this. This is what certain toxic types of people do when trying to control things. So-and-so will be "heartbroken" if you don't do things the way the controller wants, when in reality So-and-so is fine either way.

I don't see what the big deal is about having your brother stay with you a few random days. You grew up in the same house and managed to live daily life with him. He's not visiting royalty. The important thing is that you see each other. That's probably how your child feels.

Sometimes we have family come to stay at less than ideal times, and we make the best of it, seeing them when we're home from work or school. No one is scarred for life.

[Anonymous]

Let your kid miss one day of school. They are 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you all really wanted to spend time together, you would be okay with your brother coming when his schedule allows, and your brother would be okay compromising on the dates. But you planning it around your child's temper tantrums is not cool.

You sound insufferable and if I was your brother, I would save my vacation and $$ to visit other family or friends

+1

[Anonymous]

The better question is not who's right or wrong...is you being "right" going to make your daughter feel better when you have to explain, 'we won't see your uncle this year because it was his turn to travel to us and he could only visit with us on weekday evenings, and I wanted him to be here over the weekend'? That sounds pretty lame, right?

Good. Now swallow your pride and tell him he can come whenever works for his schedule.

[Anonymous]

Stand your ground OP. it is OK to say, sorry, arriving on a monday when we have school and work won't work. You already gave him dates, it's your house and your life. If he's never willing to bend or accommodate, oh well, not this year. No big loss.

[Anonymous]

No, the host also gets a say in when it is convenient. Ideally the guest and host should compromise.

Your situation: where you went wrong is going into a long excuse. You should have kept is short and sweet. Instead you went into a long drawn out explanation why it won't work.

[Anonymous]

OP here, update:

I wrote this message to my bro:

As I said already, it would be better for our schedule if you could come Thursday (anytime of day) to Sunday (you can leave first thing in the morning). I will take DD out of school early on Friday so we have more time. We are returning from a two-week trip (on Jan. 1) and need to prep a little for two straight weeks of guests (Mom and Dad) and get DD back in the school routine after two weeks off. This way you overlap multiple days with Dad and Mom being here and we can spend Christmas Eve together as a family. I think this is reasonable.

If you absolutely feel that you must be out of here before Sunday, you could leave on Saturday around 5 p.m. and we could have an early Christmas Eve dinner (and do it for lunch). I could live with you coming Wednesday and leaving Saturday early evening, if necessary. Coming on Tuesday, Jan. 2, just won’t work though.

You know the answer I got: We are not coming. I think he is being absolutely ridiculous. He is the one who did not prioritize coming to see us for Christmas in the first place and then expects me to be the one to completely bend to his wishes and not compromise (I personally think he does not want to come at all and being difficult and making demands pretty much guarantees he can get out of it).

I think he is being unreasonable saying he only wants to come on weekdays and refuses to be here on a weekend day...especially when for us Sat is Christmas Eve and Sunday is Christmas Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my family celebrates Christmas twice (Dec. 25) and Jan. 7 (Eastern Orthodox).

My brother has informed me that he can’t come on for Christmas (Jan. 7) because he has a Monday morning meeting. But he is taking two weeks off before that.

He called me and told me he can’t come for Christmas due to his Monday meeting and he already took two weeks off for vacation. He said he wants to come on January 2 and leave Saturday morning (he lives 8 hours away).

I told him that we don’t want him coming on Jan. 2 and leaving right before Christmas on Saturday. The reason is because we are getting back from a huge drive ourselves on Jan. 1, and school starts on Jan. 2 for my 6-year-old. She would be extremely upset if she had to go to school and only see my brother and his family after school in the evenings and then have them leave on her day off from school [on Saturday--Christmas Eve). She would be crying on these days. I think it is unfair to put her through that to accommodate my brother’s request (it is really that he will be 3.5 hours from us and prefers to drive here than drive home and then fly here).

I don’t think it is unreasonable to say “just come another time, come on a weekend or a school vacation.” And that is what I told him. I also told him he could come down the following long weekend. Or he could still come, but come Jan. 4 and leave on Sunday instead of Saturday. I also gave him a list of long weekend and the school vacation schedule.

What does he do? Sends me a nasty email ignoring my request and asking again to come on Jan. 2. Then he calls my dad, who then gets into an argument with me than I just should let him come whenever he wants and it does not matter than my daughter would be upset that she can’t spend much time with him and that he is leaving on her day off and before Christmas for us. (I also have a younger daughter in preschool but that is less of my concern.)

I don’t think I am wrong here to say that we would love for you to come, but we need you to come on a long weekend, not in the beginning of a week when we are getting back from a long trip ourselves and we are back in school. That is what I said and my brother is irate.
Who is wrong here? Me or him?

In general, I'm a 'unfortunately, this won't work for us' person. But honestly, your reason is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.
Because your 6 year old will cry? For Realzzz?? Seriously. If you your 6 yr old's tears dictate all of major decsions you must not get s*** accomplished in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, update:

I wrote this message to my bro:

As I said already, it would be better for our schedule if you could come Thursday (anytime of day) to Sunday (you can leave first thing in the morning). I will take DD out of school early on Friday so we have more time. We are returning from a two-week trip (on Jan. 1) and need to prep a little for two straight weeks of guests (Mom and Dad) and get DD back in the school routine after two weeks off. This way you overlap multiple days with Dad and Mom being here and we can spend Christmas Eve together as a family. I think this is reasonable.

If you absolutely feel that you must be out of here before Sunday, you could leave on Saturday around 5 p.m. and we could have an early Christmas Eve dinner (and do it for lunch). I could live with you coming Wednesday and leaving Saturday early evening, if necessary. Coming on Tuesday, Jan. 2, just won’t work though.

You know the answer I got: We are not coming. I think he is being absolutely ridiculous. He is the one who did not prioritize coming to see us for Christmas in the first place and then expects me to be the one to completely bend to his wishes and not compromise (I personally think he does not want to come at all and being difficult and making demands pretty much guarantees he can get out of it).

I think he is being unreasonable saying he only wants to come on weekdays and refuses to be here on a weekend day...especially when for us Sat is Christmas Eve and Sunday is Christmas Day.

FAMILY OF NUTZZZZZ

[Anonymous]

OP - not the warmest email I have ever read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, update:

I wrote this message to my bro:

As I said already, it would be better for our schedule if you could come Thursday (anytime of day) to Sunday (you can leave first thing in the morning). I will take DD out of school early on Friday so we have more time. We are returning from a two-week trip (on Jan. 1) and need to prep a little for two straight weeks of guests (Mom and Dad) and get DD back in the school routine after two weeks off. This way you overlap multiple days with Dad and Mom being here and we can spend Christmas Eve together as a family. I think this is reasonable.

If you absolutely feel that you must be out of here before Sunday, you could leave on Saturday around 5 p.m. and we could have an early Christmas Eve dinner (and do it for lunch). I could live with you coming Wednesday and leaving Saturday early evening, if necessary. Coming on Tuesday, Jan. 2, just won’t work though.

You know the answer I got: We are not coming. I think he is being absolutely ridiculous. He is the one who did not prioritize coming to see us for Christmas in the first place and then expects me to be the one to completely bend to his wishes and not compromise (I personally think he does not want to come at all and being difficult and making demands pretty much guarantees he can get out of it).

I think he is being unreasonable saying he only wants to come on weekdays and refuses to be here on a weekend day...especially when for us Sat is Christmas Eve and Sunday is Christmas Day.

I wouldn't want to visit you either.