Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

OP -- I would try to make friends outside of your daughter/preschool. How about joining a book club, hiking group, or cooking class? Maybe take a class and learn something new (knitting??) Or how about volunteering? Do you belong to a church? I think if you're lonely and want friends then you need to find other lonely people who want friends, not busy parents of young children.

As for the holidays, why can't you travel to your family? Even if they are far away, it seems like something you should prioritize for your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

PP you are insane. Are you seriously asking why someone would prioritize having a holdover having a clean house???

Really?? You don’t get why people value having a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

PP you are insane. Are you seriously asking why someone would prioritize having a child over having a clean house???

Really?? You don’t get why people value having a family?

[Anonymous]

Because most people are assholes. Sorry. Wish you were my friend.
Signed another frequent hoster/victim of non reciprocation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you, OP, it's about them. You wouldn't blame people for having messy closets or being behind on the laundry, so don't blame them for being overwhelmed and behind on their social lives. Most people out there are honestly just getting by. They're stressed at work and taking kids to activities and finding time occasionally for a date night with their spouse. Play dates and holiday parties (honestly, a Valentine's Day party? Who does that?) just aren't a priority.

This. I’m wondering how OP has the time to throw frequent, large parties! She does just have one child but that’s still a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ but you host because YOU want to right? You can't and shouldn't expect some sort of payback/returns, no?

Reciprocation is part of the social contract.

+1
We expect some reciprocation from our spouses and family members right? Shouldn’t we also expect some level of reciprocation from our friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

I would guess it is because they think there are more important things than having a neat house.

I don’t have a neat house just for the sake of being neat. I do it because

1. I find a neat, uncluttered house more peaceful and relaxing.
2. I can’t find things as easily when my house is a mess and
3. I like being having friends and family over on a pretty frequent basis so it helps to have a relatively clean house.

But that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

Your mistake is being indiscriminately social.

It's a turn-off, because people don't see you as wanting to be "their" best friend, and as we are all pulled left and right with tons of obligations, we're not going to drop everything else for someone who keeps inviting all and sundry.

All the people I know are transplants like us, without family in the area, and none of us host like you. We made friends through our kids' preschools, etc, and have developed a small but precious circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

I've revised my opinion of OP through reading her responses.

People probably find her really unpleasant, and just come to her parties because they're well done and they feel bad refusing.

But at the end of the day, OP cannot tolerate that others don't think and act like her, which makes her poor friend material. A little introspection here would not come amiss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your mistake is being indiscriminately social.

It's a turn-off, because people don't see you as wanting to be "their" best friend, and as we are all pulled left and right with tons of obligations, we're not going to drop everything else for someone who keeps inviting all and sundry.

All the people I know are transplants like us, without family in the area, and none of us host like you. We made friends through our kids' preschools, etc, and have developed a small but precious circle of friends.

So you probably just see your ‘friends’ during the kids’ play dates and birthday parties, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've revised my opinion of OP through reading her responses.

People probably find her really unpleasant, and just come to her parties because they're well done and they feel bad refusing.

But at the end of the day, OP cannot tolerate that others don't think and act like her, which makes her poor friend material. A little introspection here would not come amiss.

Really? I'm usually one of the first to call an OP out on being obnoxious, and I don't think she's that bad. She just has an easy child and an easy husband (i.e. one who's rarely home so therefore can't make too much mess, etc) and absolutely no idea what it's like to juggle a larger or more difficult family.

But yes, probably not someone who I'd be in a hurry to be friends with though. She just needs to find people with the same interests (e.g. elaborate parties).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

I would guess it is because they think there are more important things than having a neat house.

I don’t have a neat house just for the sake of being neat. I do it because

1. I find a neat, uncluttered house more peaceful and relaxing.
2. I can’t find things as easily when my house is a mess and
3. I like being having friends and family over on a pretty frequent basis so it helps to have a relatively clean house.

But that’s just me.

Thanks for this info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your mistake is being indiscriminately social.

It's a turn-off, because people don't see you as wanting to be "their" best friend, and as we are all pulled left and right with tons of obligations, we're not going to drop everything else for someone who keeps inviting all and sundry.

All the people I know are transplants like us, without family in the area, and none of us host like you. We made friends through our kids' preschools, etc, and have developed a small but precious circle of friends.

So you probably just see your ‘friends’ during the kids’ play dates and birthday parties, right?

Oh and of course chat for a few minutes during the preschool pickup/drop offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've revised my opinion of OP through reading her responses.

People probably find her really unpleasant, and just come to her parties because they're well done and they feel bad refusing.

But at the end of the day, OP cannot tolerate that others don't think and act like her, which makes her poor friend material. A little introspection here would not come amiss.

Really? I'm usually one of the first to call an OP out on being obnoxious, and I don't think she's that bad. She just has an easy child and an easy husband (i.e. one who's rarely home so therefore can't make too much mess, etc) and absolutely no idea what it's like to juggle a larger or more difficult family.

But yes, probably not someone who I'd be in a hurry to be friends with though. She just needs to find people with the same interests (e.g. elaborate parties).

Um she’s having ‘elaborate parties’ because she’s thinking it’s a way to make friends and form a community for herself and her family. Guess she should just go back into her house with her kid and DH and close the door like the rest of you people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain and I think the reality is that many people just want to focus on immediate family. They don't crave a big circle of meaningful relationships like you (and I) do. So they are happy to say yes to an invitation, but they don't really see it as reciprocal relationship building. I think the best strategy is to really seek out and cultivate people who have similar ideas and circumstances-not just a random assortment of neighbors, parents at your kids' school, etc.

OP here. I think you're absolutely right. The main problem is that a) we're not from this area so we don't have a social circle here from high school/college like most people, and b) we have no local family, so our weekends and holidays are always free with no plans (we see extended family twice a year). That makes it really hard because we are extroverts who love spending time with people, but 95% of the time it's just the 3 of us. Or the 2 of us when my husband is on long business trips, which feels especially lonely. He travels on holidays too, which really sucks.

I have no idea how to find people who also want reciprocal relationships, because I have not been able to find that yet, even from the few people who are transplants like us.

OP, you really do sound like a lovely person but is perhaps the bolded above more a "who need to spend time with people"? If so you may come across as needy and suffocating despite how nice you are. People are busy and a high maintenance friendship is the last thing most have time for.