Drama over space heater-want divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. This is my first time posting on the relationship forum. I'm amazed by all the responses!

It's true that DH is not uniquely qualified to handle this problem. I just wanted him to. I shouldn't have even asked him to and instead just done it myself.

Guest bedroom is on another floor, far from us. I can't move DD there.

I just wanted DH to handle this because I'm overwhelmed doing everything for our life in addition to my demanding job.

The challenge here is apparently your DH isn’t handy and you already had a specific way you did NOT want the problem fixed. With space heaters as you’ve seen on the forum, there are people that have a gazillion safety features plus a video monitor that feel like that is a viable solution so it isn’t as though there is 100% agreement in the parenting world that your husband’s solution was wrong. It’s not like he suggested leaving a toddler home alone which everyone knows is unsafe and illegal. If you are off loading something, give him a choice between things that don’t have a preference how it is done.

Now the bigger issues is if you have given your husband a choice between things you don’t care how they are done like laundry or bedtime duties for the toddler or having Saturday versus Sunday morning on deck with the little one and your DH won’t commitment to anything or doesn’t follow thru with his commitment, then that’s a different problem and I can see being done.

[Anonymous]

If my husband doesn't fix something, I do it myself or hire a professional myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not capable to figuring out a solution to the window issue?

why does she have to solve everything? It's supposed to be a partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a husband. My solution is to tell your husband that until there is a solution for the heat problem in her room, DD will sleep in your bed with you and he will sleep in her bed. If he has to sleep in her room, he'll probably find a solution to the cooling problem quickly.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a husband. My solution is to tell your husband that until there is a solution for the heat problem in her room, DD will sleep in your bed with you and he will sleep in her bed. If he has to sleep in her room, he'll probably find a solution to the cooling problem quickly.

This

How sad that's what it takes for a guy to give a crap about his baby's welfare.

OP, strongly consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not capable to figuring out a solution to the window issue?

why does she have to solve everything? It's supposed to be a partnership.

She doesn't have to solve everything, I was responding to the fact that her initial post implied that he was more qualified to fix the problem than she was, even though that clearly wasn't the case. So either it's really easy for an ignorant person to figure out the solution (in which case she shouldn't have pled ignorance to support her case), or it's really not easy and she shouldn't be giving him such a hard time for not knowing a good solution either.

For the record, I'm also the one who tried to help her by giving her multiple ideas for fixing the issue (caulk, weatherstripping, window treatment). Either of them could execute any of those ideas, so I tried to get her over the "but how?" hurdle.

[Anonymous]

OP, your daughter is not just at risk of getting sick or overheating, but also mold toxicity.

You need to make a call for a handyman as soon as you can. It needs to be fixed. Mold is no joke, and sometimes you can't even see it since it's in the walls. Personally, I'd also get a mold inspection, at least in that room.

In the meantime, I'd use the space heater and require (not ask) DH to sleep in your daughter's room, on the floor. I'd hesitate to get a child in my bed "temporarily" because I feel like it will be hard to get her out later. But at least your DH can be in there as another person to monitor the temp/fire situation. Plus of course you'll need an excellent smoke alarm in that room.

And yeah, I'd divorce that guy. Don't bother trying to fix him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it. And he doesn't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

This is some BS. Didn’t he live on his own before? Who did his laundry before marriage, who did he laundry after marriage but before having kids? Ain’t no reason for a grown adult to not know how to do their own laundry ...and in this day and age of the Internet and YouTube...

He also should know how to wash dishes. If he broke the dishwasher oh well, he is washing by hand until he gets it fixed. At some point either because of the extra time and or money it causes him, he will ask questions and do some research if he truly isn’t sure. And if he takes something apart again, let him be the guinea pig the first time out. Oh and if he grills and you live in the DC area, you can grill almost year round and bring the food inside to eat. I know this because my DH grills at least once a week and before we had so many kid activities it was 2-3 times a week.

With the pet, who decided to get the dog? If your DH wanted this dog in any way, he should have certain times he walks the dog and does the food and water. You might still have grooming and vet visits but the day to day may be more balanced. If this dog predated your spouse, I think with everything else it would be a bridge too far to expect him to do more there for a pet he may not want. Your only hope would have been to help him bond with the pet and feed the dog etc prior to the child. With the cleaning, I would definitely hire a cleaning service. I noticed many of my friends got cleaning services either once they got married or for sure when they had kids. It’s one less thing to fight about and honestly working full-time with young kids raises the level of all the things that need to be done in the household so it’s nice to outsource that.

[Anonymous]

I love when women on this board say things like “require him to sleep in her room.” OK. How are you going to “require” this, tough talker? If my DH “required” me to do something, he’d have to physically pick me up and move me. Get a life, lady.

[Anonymous]

I say dump the manbaby. Life is far too short.

Sounds like you are already at that point anyway.

This is why women file for 70% of all divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. This is my first time posting on the relationship forum. I'm amazed by all the responses!

It's true that DH is not uniquely qualified to handle this problem. I just wanted him to. I shouldn't have even asked him to and instead just done it myself.

Guest bedroom is on another floor, far from us. I can't move DD there.

I just wanted DH to handle this because I'm overwhelmed doing everything for our life in addition to my demanding job.

Could have been this, could have been literally anything. You just want him to handle SOME of the work himself, which he seems totally unwilling to do. Chances are he's not going to change, so your options are:

1) Keep doing all the work with everything for the rest of your life

2) Get a divorce.

I know which option I'd be doing. There are lots of divorce lawyers you can call and get a consultation from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love when women on this board say things like “require him to sleep in her room.” OK. How are you going to “require” this, tough talker? If my DH “required” me to do something, he’d have to physically pick me up and move me. Get a life, lady.

It was a MAN that made that suggestion. When will the man-babies ever grow up? Why should a baby daughter endure the cold when her own father won't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is not just at risk of getting sick or overheating, but also mold toxicity.

You need to make a call for a handyman as soon as you can. It needs to be fixed. Mold is no joke, and sometimes you can't even see it since it's in the walls. Personally, I'd also get a mold inspection, at least in that room.

In the meantime, I'd use the space heater and require (not ask) DH to sleep in your daughter's room, on the floor. I'd hesitate to get a child in my bed "temporarily" because I feel like it will be hard to get her out later. But at least your DH can be in there as another person to monitor the temp/fire situation. Plus of course you'll need an excellent smoke alarm in that room.

And yeah, I'd divorce that guy. Don't bother trying to fix him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it. And he doesn't get it

Wtf. Where did you get "mold toxicity" from? You might need anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have about the same balance as you do. It sucks, I sympathize. I also have a more demanding (and better paying) job than my husband at this stage, so it compounds my frustration.

But here's the thing -- your husband did have a solution. It's not your solution, but it's not completely unworkable. You want to divorce him because it's not the ideal solution or perhaps not even the best one. That speaks to a perfectionism and need for control on your part that may be part of the problem. I recognize it because I am the same way.

Here's a kid safe space heater. Order this (or order the pricey Dyson) and decide separately if you really want a divorce: https://www.amazon.com/Vornadobaby-Nursery-Automatic-Climate-Control/dp/B00PXH6PFY/ref=sr_1_8?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1510277142&sr=1-8&keywords=space+heater+with+fan

[Anonymous]

While your issues are really not about the heater, my parents raised six kids in a house that was set at 50 degrees for the night. We now keep our house at a toasty 62 degrees overnight and some rooms are cooler than that.

There are many. many children in the world who sleep in rooms that are 60 degrees or below. Put another sleep bag or set of pajamas on her.

We also use space heaters at times but not overnight!