Drama over space heater-want divorce

[Anonymous]

OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a husband. My solution is to tell your husband that until there is a solution for the heat problem in her room, DD will sleep in your bed with you and he will sleep in her bed. If he has to sleep in her room, he'll probably find a solution to the cooling problem quickly.

This is a great solution!

Natural consequences, no nagging, all incentives align perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

Do you not realize the crux of your problem is that you are expecting him to perform these tasks up to your standards and, if he doesn't, you then, OF YOUR OWN ACCORD, take it upon yourself to relieve him of the responsibility? You are creating your own problems. Change your expectations.

[Anonymous]

I would never ever use a space heater.

Ever.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally get. Life is much too short to waste it on a loser like this who is too lazy to pick up a phone to get his kids window fixed. He sounds like a chump. I bet you are no longer attracted to him either.

DTMF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

What are you doing wasting your time arguing on here? Honey, leave him!!! You can do better. This man sounds like a total waste of space.

You get full custody, he does the occasional weekend until he can prove he is up to the task of split custody.

[Anonymous]

Is the broken window keeping moisture out? You might also have a mold problem in your daughter’s room around the windows/in the walls. I’d ask him to take care of it/hire someone to do it, or tell him you’ll hire someone yourself.

[Anonymous]

I am often completely amazed at what other people will tolerate. I’m not even talking about the OP, who I feel sorry for, but the women in here defending his loser! What happened to you to lower your expectations to a level where they’re practically nonexistent?

[Anonymous]

Hmm... does he have any positive traits? I’m sure there’s some reason why you married him.

Can you outsource household duties? For the sake of your sanity and your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counseling. You need to get DH to take on more of the load; and you need to reduce your own anxiety. A space heater is not going to overheat and kill your toddler, I promise (although it may not be the right solution, especially when she gets out of her crib.)

Op here. We've tried counseling. He will never change. I think I just want a divorce but don't trust him to care for our child.

If I left him for awhile would he get the message? Kick him out? Move into the guest bedroom?

Oh good god. If you want a divorce for legitimate reasons other than the space heater hire a lawyer and get a divorce. Stop threatening to play games by moving out or giving him hints - put your big girl pants on and ask for what you want.

I agree. Op, please don't have any more kids. Your lack of maturity is astounding.

[Anonymous]

Parent in my child loss group just got the cause of death from the medical examiner and her 18month old dies from being over-heated and a malfunctioning space heater was the cause (it kept cycling rather than periodically turning off.) I would have never used one before this as I have always been afraid of fires. I just cannot imagine why your DH is clinging to this when you have a legitimate fear and there are some concrete solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

Do you not realize the crux of your problem is that you are expecting him to perform these tasks up to your standards and, if he doesn't, you then, OF YOUR OWN ACCORD, take it upon yourself to relieve him of the responsibility? You are creating your own problems. Change your expectations.

This isn't about having overly high expectations. The man is destroying appliances, floors, clothing, etc. This is absolutely crazy! If he can't manage these basic tasks, how does he function at work? He's either doing this on purpose to avoid hh chores or he's actually that incompetent. Either scenario doesn't bode well for OP. It's highly unlikely that he's going to change. If she chooses to stay with him, the most practical solution would be to outsource these chores. At least, there will be less for OP to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

Do you both work FT? How many hours each? What are your incomes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you and your husband discussed what you do vs what he does? Like what your "chores" are and what "his" are? In our household, for instance, I do laundry and DH does trash and dishes. I refuse to believe that he just doesn't do anything, other than sit on the sofa and take up space.

Op here. We've discussed this dozens of times, including in therapy.

My responsibilities: finances, all cooking, babyproofing house, dishes, laundry, taxes, pet care for our dog, managing daycare, insurance, doctor's appointments, dentist, travel planning, cars and maintenance, coordinating/arranging lawncare.

His: electronics (wifi, home security system), relationship with his family. Sometimes he grills in the summer.

We've talked about how to move things off my plate onto his. Whenever this happens he does such an astonishingly bad job at the task that he gets banned from it (e.g-he's broken our dishwasher and garbage disposal, when he cooks it takes hours and he trashes the kitchen in the process, then I have to pretend to be grateful that he made dinner and spend an hour cleaning up). He will use pure bleach on our hardwood floors. He's ruined hundreds of dollars of clothes because he can't do laundry. He also broke our washing machine by overloading it. He tried to clean the inside of our gas fireplace once. He did a shit job putting it back together and the hot glass cover fell off and landed on me. When I had to travel for work for 3 days, I returned and the dogs water dish was bone dry.

I made a very big mistake marrying this man.

Do you not realize the crux of your problem is that you are expecting him to perform these tasks up to your standards and, if he doesn't, you then, OF YOUR OWN ACCORD, take it upon yourself to relieve him of the responsibility? You are creating your own problems. Change your expectations.

Totally agree. What's a little bleach on beautiful hardwood floors and dogs dying of dehydration?