He runs with her 5-6 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Might as well just get divorced because he will NOT be happy when you tell him he can't run with her anymore. Whether you're unhappy or he's unhappy is negligible - you two aren't happy so may as well end it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I......would put this in the category of "no."

Seems perfectly reasonable to say to DH "Look. I know you like running and I know Stacey is a nice person. And I trust you, but I have to be honest it makes me very uncomfortable that you run with her so often. Would you be willing to stop doing that for me? I don't feel good about it, and if you asked me to stop meeting a male friend 5x a week because it made you feel bad I would like to think I'd honor that."

I'm not sure if you are the same PP who often posts advice on how to say something in these threads, but if you are, I'd just like to tell you that you have such a good way of wording awkward or tough conversations. If I were the OP I would be like "Will you PLEASE STOP with the 6 day a week predawn runs with Ms. Hot?" and that would be how I;'d put it. And it wouldn't go well.

No matter how you say it, OP is and will come off as accusatory and insecure. And that’s what she is. Because I said before, her husband has given her ZERO indication that something is up. He has a running buddy if the opposite sex. The End. What if he gets partnered up with a hot woman at work?? Gasp! Will OP call his boss to tell him that DH isn’t allowed to fraternize with another female employee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The running wouldn't necessarily bother me- I could see myself working out with a guy friend- but the fact that he mentioned he finds her attractive and their texts are a big red flag. The only time I've ever heard men say "hey gorgeous" to a woman is when they are interested, and women find that creepy unless they are also interested.

He may have good intentions at this point but this is one of those things that can slip into an affair while everyone is in denial.

OP here again. Just to clarify. Those texts messages I mentioned were from her to him. He doesn't seem to send anything to her like that at all. Mostly generic stuff about the run, the miles, weather, etc.

Here's what's happening. The young woman is sort of feeling him out for relationship possibility. It's kind of a grooming thing. She'll just stay friends with him and see where it leads. Worst case scenario for her is she has a running partner. Or she has plausible deniability that she's not hitting on him because what she is saying is not clearly over the line in a sexual way.

He may not have any attention of an affair. But, you really need to point out to him that the way he is playing this is a bit unfair to both the runner friend and to you. He is using this girl runner friend to feed his own ego. He is not being fair to you because he is demonstrating that he doesn't view it as his responsibility to set clear boundaries for the behavior of others around him (again the plausible deniability). It is his job to say, "Hey running friend, I really enjoy running with you but calling me gorgeous makes me uncomfortable given that I am happily married. Thanks."

This, to me, also makes him vulnerable to sexual harassment charges, or it could be considered her harassing him depending on the facts of their freelance project work together.

You should talk to him about it in this sense, not in the sense of "I think you are/aren't having/heading to an emotional/sexual affair."

What?

It's the whole, "I'm not interested in her, she's pusuing me." line that men use, as if they have no responsibilities to set boundaries by saying, "Girl X, you seem nice, but calling a happily married man that you work with gorgeous is over the line. Plese stop."

When you are martied, you have an obligation to explicitly signal that behavior of those outside the marriage is crossing a line.

[Anonymous]

What woman calls a man gorgeous? Maybe a man calling a woman, but in this direction it feels like a joke, like he takes forever to get ready in the morning or wore some hot pink socks once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What woman calls a man gorgeous? Maybe a man calling a woman, but in this direction it feels like a joke, like he takes forever to get ready in the morning or wore some hot pink socks once.

Could have been considered a joke 15/20 years ago but unfortunately in today's hypersensitive ultra-PC society such light-hearted humor between two adults is strictly forbidden. In this day and age nothing is funny and everything is either offensive or inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

True, because silence is sometimes acceptance, and the offer has been made. She flirts, he says nothing, but arranges to run together again tomorrow. She flirts again, silence, and another agreement to run together. Rinse and repeat 5 days a week, and she is pretty sure you are now in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a female runner and have had male and female running buddies. Running buddies are a weird category of "friends." On the one hand, many runners will run with whomever is a good fit (same pace as you, you don't annoy each other, easy conversation). It's no big deal and many running friends never make the cross-over into other aspects of your life. However, there is something about running that opens up conversations in a way that's hard to explain, especially when you've been running together for a while and tend to do long runs each time. There is a level of familiarity amongst running buddies that may seem strange to those who don't run. I've met some of my best friends running and we sorted through all sorts of difficult things while logging miles - divorces, illness, problems at work. But - an important caveat - these running buddies were all female. My male running buddies stayed running buddies/acquaintances and our conversations were typical water-cooler talk or stuff about our kids.

One aspect of the OP that gave me pause was the "gorgeous" comment. I wouldn't be comfortable with any woman saying that to my DH, regardless of the context, because that's what someone says when they are trying to flirt. Everything else sounds like standard interactions between running buddies - texts about the run, weather, etc. The other issue I see is the frequency: 5-6 days per week with the same person is a LOT. Most of the runners I know do a combination of solo runs and group/buddy runs. Sounds like OP's DH does every single run with just this woman.

If it were my DH, I wouldn't necessarily like it and would probably say something to him.

+1

Another female runner here and could not agree more. The frequency of them running together is suspicious. When I have had running buddies we typically run together 1-2xs a week. The gorgeous comment is super weird as well.

I would also add that my dad was a serious distance runner/former college athlete for decades and to my knowledge never had a female running buddy. He also did not meet with any running buddy that many times a week.

I get that you feel bad saying asking him not to run with her because of the progress he has made with losing weight but if he doesn't have the motivation to keep up with it for his own health but does to spend time with her that's even more of a red flag. Additionally, if you are in the D.C. Area there are many clubs where he can find someone to run with him/group runs (D.C. Road runners, Montgomery county road runners club, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I......would put this in the category of "no."

Seems perfectly reasonable to say to DH "Look. I know you like running and I know Stacey is a nice person. And I trust you, but I have to be honest it makes me very uncomfortable that you run with her so often. Would you be willing to stop doing that for me? I don't feel good about it, and if you asked me to stop meeting a male friend 5x a week because it made you feel bad I would like to think I'd honor that."

I'm not sure if you are the same PP who often posts advice on how to say something in these threads, but if you are, I'd just like to tell you that you have such a good way of wording awkward or tough conversations. If I were the OP I would be like "Will you PLEASE STOP with the 6 day a week predawn runs with Ms. Hot?" and that would be how I;'d put it. And it wouldn't go well.

No matter how you say it, OP is and will come off as accusatory and insecure. And that’s what she is. Because I said before, her husband has given her ZERO indication that something is up. He has a running buddy if the opposite sex. The End. What if he gets partnered up with a hot woman at work?? Gasp! Will OP call his boss to tell him that DH isn’t allowed to fraternize with another female employee?

No, suggestive phrase like calling her gorgeous are red flags. That is more than fraternizing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I......would put this in the category of "no."

Seems perfectly reasonable to say to DH "Look. I know you like running and I know Stacey is a nice person. And I trust you, but I have to be honest it makes me very uncomfortable that you run with her so often. Would you be willing to stop doing that for me? I don't feel good about it, and if you asked me to stop meeting a male friend 5x a week because it made you feel bad I would like to think I'd honor that."

I'm not sure if you are the same PP who often posts advice on how to say something in these threads, but if you are, I'd just like to tell you that you have such a good way of wording awkward or tough conversations. If I were the OP I would be like "Will you PLEASE STOP with the 6 day a week predawn runs with Ms. Hot?" and that would be how I;'d put it. And it wouldn't go well.

No matter how you say it, OP is and will come off as accusatory and insecure. And that’s what she is. Because I said before, her husband has given her ZERO indication that something is up. He has a running buddy if the opposite sex. The End. What if he gets partnered up with a hot woman at work?? Gasp! Will OP call his boss to tell him that DH isn’t allowed to fraternize with another female employee?

No, suggestive phrase like calling her gorgeous are red flags. That is more than fraternizing

Read the damn post please. SHE called him gorgeous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have major creeps reading your OP. Shades of Ganesh "Remy" Ramsaran. His running buddy was his wife's best friend. He's serving time for his wife's murder.

https://www.google.com/search?q=Ganesh+%22Remy%22+Ramsaran&rlz=1C1SQJL_enUS762US762&oq=Ganesh+%22Remy%22+Ramsaran&aqs=chrome..69i57.2605j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Read it. Learn from it. Nip it NOW.

This was the first thing I thought of when I opened this thread!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I......would put this in the category of "no."

Seems perfectly reasonable to say to DH "Look. I know you like running and I know Stacey is a nice person. And I trust you, but I have to be honest it makes me very uncomfortable that you run with her so often. Would you be willing to stop doing that for me? I don't feel good about it, and if you asked me to stop meeting a male friend 5x a week because it made you feel bad I would like to think I'd honor that."

I'm not sure if you are the same PP who often posts advice on how to say something in these threads, but if you are, I'd just like to tell you that you have such a good way of wording awkward or tough conversations. If I were the OP I would be like "Will you PLEASE STOP with the 6 day a week predawn runs with Ms. Hot?" and that would be how I;'d put it. And it wouldn't go well.

Same here! I appreciate you posting such great ways to frame things! You're awesome!

[Anonymous]

Hard no, OP. I'm not the jealous, insecure type at all. My DH and I have been married 30 years. It's less about what your DH's intentions are and all about the situation. People who have been married for a long time understand that everyone feels temptation at some point. You protect your marriage by avoiding situations that could lead to an affair. There is nothing wrong with a guy having a female running buddy. Running 5 days a week together? Red flag. Inappropriate texts? Another red flag. I would be honest. Tell your DH you are uncomfortable. And remember, your intuition is rarely wrong. That's thousands and thousands of years of instinct that you are tapping into. You should always pay attention to that gut feeling.

Yeah, I agree with this. Been married 25 years and for a while my DH had one female running buddy (a neighbor) that would run with him 5-6 days a week. I told him it was likely she'd make a move and, sure enough, she did. DH was shocked that I was right. He stopped running with her and said, as PPs have noted, that she slowed him down. They just didn't have the same pace.

FWIW, I'm not opposed to female running buddies. It's the frequency, length of time and just the two of them that would give me pause.

[Anonymous]

Could you just try to find some middle ground, like asking him to add more runners to the group? So they would not be alone together all that time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok. He's a committed father, loving husband, leaves his phone around and is willing to talk about it. If any of that changes, then maybe I'd get worried.

I think it's fine too. Can I sign my husband up?

[Anonymous]

Yes, if this gives you pause, if your gut is a little uneasy, you should tell your husband.

And you don't have to accuse him, but let him know how it makes YOU feel. You feel uncomfortable with all this. Can he reduce his running time with her to 1-2x/week, or always with that other running buddy?

Best of luck. Trust your gut.