Dating around and "having fun" in your 20s is pointless. I should have settled down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These things all boil down to luck. I met my DH in college, married soon after, had kids in my mid 20s, stayed home while they were little, and embarked on a career in my early 30s. I feel like I had my cake and ate it too. I did not plan this, I just happened to meet a good man early in my life. I have friends now changing diapers in their mid 40s who have had to mommy track their careers. The unexpected benefit of meeting my DH early in life, was good for our financial security. I feel like these things boil down to being at the right place at the right time and being in an emotional place to accept love when it comes.

+ 1

Same experience here. I am now 43 and we are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are always trade-offs to having children early or late. Hell, there are trade-offs, period. We all tried to do our best with the info we have at the time.

I met DH at 26, married at 30, and still didn't have a kid until I was 35. If I have another, I'll probably be 39 by the time it's born. What can you do?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women need to be taught that they should be married by after 28

so what if a woman hasn't met a good match? should she settle in order to beat her expiration date?

troll elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are funny. What do you think of people like Paris Hilton, Amal Clooney, Kate Middleton, and Marissa Meyer? All of whom wasted away their 20s. Some of whom wasted away their 30s.

It's so strange to me that you'll advocate wasting your life for nothing...but you do you.

Um, I don't admire any of those women, but for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that they didn't start having kids until their 30's. And I would certainly trade lives with any of them! They are all rich and can pretty much do whatever the hell they want! How are these examples cautionary tales, lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if we could all magically know who our soul mate/perfect match was and married him/her at a young age, and live happily ever after, this would be ideal. But most people aren't this fortunate, and need to live and grow a bit before meeting the right person. That doesn't happen on any particular timetable.

+1

I would have happily married earlier, but I didn't meet someone that I wanted to marry, who also wanted to marry me, until I turned 30. I wasn't trying to sow my oats or anything, I was just living my life, learning about myself, meeting new people, and getting an education. This was the case for pretty much all my friends. Dating around isn't an end in itself, it's a way of learning about who you are in a relationship and what you should be looking for in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time seeing how having an abortion at 25 proves anything other than how lucky it was that you had that option available to you, if you weren't ready to be a parent.

No, my career trajectory would not have changed. So at the very least I'd have the same career plus a beautiful daughter or son.

I am the PP and said nothing about your career. You can not be ready for parenthood for all kinds of reasons.

Are you really saying you wish you hadn't terminated that pregnancy? Is that why you're saying it's pointless to have fun when you are young? (Is this just a subtle anti-abortion message here?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 22, but I don't encourage others to necessarily do the same. I just happen to marry an amazing guy, I saw that he was amazing and I just married him. We took turns getting our degree, I worked while he went to law school, now he is supporting me as I start med school in upcoming year. We won't have kids until early 30s but it has been nice to build something together over the past years.

women shouldn't feel that they CANT get married early if they want to be ambitious but one must (!) marry the right guy.

The biggest risk to marry young is marrying a douche bag who doesn't allow a woman to get her education, so you may be left in late twenties with kids and no way to support them.

This is so true. I remember my freshman year of college I met a great guy but in my mind I was too young to be tied down and there were all these other guys to date. Then by my junior year when I was ready to be in a relationship, there was really no one I wanted to date that had that same mindset. So I do think part is mindset of being open to love and not thinking oh, I HAVE to sow my wild oats. Don’t be afraid to be alone or break up if the relationship isn’t working but also don’t be afraid to go for it if you do meet someone amazing while you are in your 20’s.

[Anonymous]

I'm single at 45, which I wouldn't have chosen. But honestly, when I look back at the guys I've dated over the years, I'm not sure I should have married any of the ones I rejected or broke up with. I dated a few good ones, but often the timing was just bad. Like they had just lost a parent or weren't over an ex or weren't ready for a relationship. So I'm not sure things could have gone any better there.

I did enjoy my 20's, though - I'm glad I got to spend the time after college working on my career, furthering my education, buying a house, pursuing hobbies, hanging with friends, dating, etc. Too many of my friends who settled down really early are now divorced and regretting the stuff they didn't do when everyone else was doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These things all boil down to luck. I met my DH in college, married soon after, had kids in my mid 20s, stayed home while they were little, and embarked on a career in my early 30s. I feel like I had my cake and ate it too. I did not plan this, I just happened to meet a good man early in my life. I have friends now changing diapers in their mid 40s who have had to mommy track their careers. The unexpected benefit of meeting my DH early in life, was good for our financial security. I feel like these things boil down to being at the right place at the right time and being in an emotional place to accept love when it comes.

How is being 10 years into a career in your 40s any different than mommy-tracking your career in your 40s, from a responsibility/career trajectory/income perspective?

I ask as I am a woman who has mommy tracked her career at 40. I'm making 6 figures because I have 20 years of progressively responsible experience, I just don't have a demanding job. In my career field, I couldn't make the salary I am, in the job I have, if I had just started my career 10 years ago.

Now changing diapers in your 40s, I'm not saying that is ideal. But that's another story for another day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The research is pretty clear that waiting to marry results in stronger marriages. That said, if a woman wants kids, she shouldn't waste time on bad relationships. (She should also avoid bad relationships for her own sake.)

Do you have any citation for that research, PP?

There is research suggesting that women with few sexual partners or a later onset of sexual activity are happier in their marriages:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/21/more-sexual-partners-unhappy-marriage_n_5698440.html

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11199-008-9497-0

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different. I know that I had zero interest in settling down and having babies when I was in my early 20's. I would have been a terrible parent at that age as I still had a lot of growing up (and wising up) to do at that age.

I do not regret for even one second that I didn't settle down earlier than I did.

[Anonymous]

Being a young bride is beautiful. If you have fun in high school and college you're not missing much "fun" in your 20s. Get married after college and focus on kids and career.

[Anonymous]

Met DH at a rodeo. He was a clown and had on the craziest clown makeup and these dusty, dirty clown clothes with giant, flappy shoes and a weird old-man hat with a plastic flower stuck in the brim. When a rider would get thrown off a bull, he would run out and dash around in circles, waving his arms at the bull and just acting crazy to get the bull to chase him and not the rider. Once the bull started chasing him he would zip around for just a short time and then slide into a barrel where the bull couldn't get him. I just thought it seemed exciting. No regrets!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a young bride is beautiful. If you have fun in high school and college you're not missing much "fun" in your 20s. Get married after college and focus on kids and career.

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a young bride is beautiful. If you have fun in high school and college you're not missing much "fun" in your 20s. Get married after college and focus on kids and career.

lol

+1. PP has no idea what she was missing out on! I wouldn't have wanted to get married in my 20s anymore than I wanted to get married in college.