Dating around and "having fun" in your 20s is pointless. I should have settled down

[Anonymous]

This weighs heavy with me. The focus my family had when I as growing up was solely focused on developing a strong independent woman with a solid college or graduate degree. No one ever praised marriage or coached me about how to find a good man and what that means when lined up against my own values. I was a good student, worked and studies hard through two graduate degrees. I dated a guy for 10 years through my 20s. I wish SOMEONE had sat me down and explained the big picture of life. And how possibly dating guy that long was effectively negating many years of possibly finding someone who might be a better fit.

Before I get jumped on for not self-reflection and figuring this out myself, I was a pretty socially immature person. I worked full time and made it through law school and then another grad degree. Suddenly I was 28 and had no intention of marrying that boyfriend.

I hope to take a more holistic and long term approach when raising my kids.

I envy those people who had pushy grandparents who are forever helping navigate the dating scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weighs heavy with me. The focus my family had when I as growing up was solely focused on developing a strong independent woman with a solid college or graduate degree. No one ever praised marriage or coached me about how to find a good man and what that means when lined up against my own values. I was a good student, worked and studies hard through two graduate degrees. I dated a guy for 10 years through my 20s. I wish SOMEONE had sat me down and explained the big picture of life. And how possibly dating guy that long was effectively negating many years of possibly finding someone who might be a better fit.

Before I get jumped on for not self-reflection and figuring this out myself, I was a pretty socially immature person. I worked full time and made it through law school and then another grad degree. Suddenly I was 28 and had no intention of marrying that boyfriend.

I hope to take a more holistic and long term approach when raising my kids.

I envy those people who had pushy grandparents who are forever helping navigate the dating scene.

As someone who had this. You shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weighs heavy with me. The focus my family had when I as growing up was solely focused on developing a strong independent woman with a solid college or graduate degree. No one ever praised marriage or coached me about how to find a good man and what that means when lined up against my own values. I was a good student, worked and studies hard through two graduate degrees. I dated a guy for 10 years through my 20s. I wish SOMEONE had sat me down and explained the big picture of life. And how possibly dating guy that long was effectively negating many years of possibly finding someone who might be a better fit.

Before I get jumped on for not self-reflection and figuring this out myself, I was a pretty socially immature person. I worked full time and made it through law school and then another grad degree. Suddenly I was 28 and had no intention of marrying that boyfriend.

I hope to take a more holistic and long term approach when raising my kids.

I envy those people who had pushy grandparents who are forever helping navigate the dating scene.

Just like OP you probably would have ended up miserable not because you were young because you refuse to take responsibility for yourself and your actions which makes for a miserable partner and relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sowed a few wild oats in my early 20's and got married at 27 and had my first child at 32. So, I wasn't young and naive when I got married and I had a few years post-wedding to work on my career and get used to being married. Two more children soon followed. I'm still happily married many years later and my only minor regret was not having my first baby at 30.

You had a baby at 32 and your only regret is not having the baby 24 months prior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:right after college. I even got an abortion at 25 because I didn't want to interrupt my young career.

All for what? I make six figures, I'm unhappy and those fun drunken weekends were fleeting.

Sorry, just venting. On the off chance any young women read this forum: Don't make the same mistake.

Sorry, OP, I think the issue is not that you should have gotten married younger. It's why are you avoiding serious relationships that can lead to marriage. If you just married for the sake of marrying in your 20s, you'd probably be unhappy and married or divorced today. Do some therapy and try to understand why you avoided marriage.

Say this as someone who would have ended up single if I hadn't done group therapy for adult children of adult alcoholics in my late 20s and come to terms with my fear of commitment. I would have been pretty happy single, too, it's just that where I was at the time, it wasn't a choice I was making. I was afraid of getting involved. Stop blaming this on your career. Start looking at what you were avoiding.

[Anonymous]

My grandma is old fashioned and would definitely say why buy the cow if the milk is for free and would have side eyed me dating a guy for 10 years and no ring. That said, she would say get an education and not depend on a man. My mom would also add that you can love someone but not be able to live with them, beware of the guy that says he can’t live without you as in he will not let you leave him, and if a guy ever tried to hit you, leave and don’t take him back.

So basically they would never say to settle down with someone you don’t love, that doesn’t love you, that you can’t live with, that doesn’t respect you or you don’t respect him. By the same token, if you don’t think the relationship is working, why waste your time. Above all love and respect yourself. I wouldn’t say I would say I do everything the same way as them, but I think there was some solid relationship advice in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This weighs heavy with me. The focus my family had when I as growing up was solely focused on developing a strong independent woman with a solid college or graduate degree. No one ever praised marriage or coached me about how to find a good man and what that means when lined up against my own values. I was a good student, worked and studies hard through two graduate degrees. I dated a guy for 10 years through my 20s. I wish SOMEONE had sat me down and explained the big picture of life. And how possibly dating guy that long was effectively negating many years of possibly finding someone who might be a better fit.

Before I get jumped on for not self-reflection and figuring this out myself, I was a pretty socially immature person. I worked full time and made it through law school and then another grad degree. Suddenly I was 28 and had no intention of marrying that boyfriend.

I hope to take a more holistic and long term approach when raising my kids.

I envy those people who had pushy grandparents who are forever helping navigate the dating scene.

Just like OP you probably would have ended up miserable not because you were young because you refuse to take responsibility for yourself and your actions which makes for a miserable partner and relationship.

I don't disagree. I was very immature and would've been a disaster of a spouse and parent. I just wish I had someone help me better understand the long term impact of my choices. If I had broken up with that guy at 25 or twenty six I could've expanded my social group, finished up school and then settled down. Of course this is all in my perfect life.

[Anonymous]

Tell us about the man you were dating and wish you would have married. Did he want you to marry him? (Takes two to tango and all.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sowed a few wild oats in my early 20's and got married at 27 and had my first child at 32. So, I wasn't young and naive when I got married and I had a few years post-wedding to work on my career and get used to being married. Two more children soon followed. I'm still happily married many years later and my only minor regret was not having my first baby at 30.

You had a baby at 32 and your only regret is not having the baby 24 months prior?

Yep, like I said minor!

[Anonymous]

I also had an abortion in my mid-20s, and was unmarried and single at 32. Then at 34, I got married, and had 4 beautiful kids over the next 8 years.

I never regretted my "wild" 20s or building my career. If you're unhappy, OP, change it.

[Anonymous]

I drank my ass off in my 20s and am a better dad because of it. I got married at 30 and had kids at 32. I've never felt restless as a father because I got it out of my system in my 20s. I know that I'm not missing anything by being domestic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:right after college. I even got an abortion at 25 because I didn't want to interrupt my young career.

All for what? I make six figures, I'm unhappy and those fun drunken weekends were fleeting.

Sorry, just venting. On the off chance any young women read this forum: Don't make the same mistake.

I feel for you. That most certainly would have been my life if I hadn't of become the caretaker to a terminally ill parent in my mid twenties. It really put my outlook on the next ten, twenty, thirty years into perspective. I settled down with the loving and loyal boyfriend who supported me through that time period. He makes an excellent partner in parenthood and life.

But, OP, since the grass is not always greener...
I don't think I would have chosen my partner if all of those unforeseen circumstances hadn't happened. Maybe I wouldn't have met anyone else in my twenties to settle down with, maybe I would have given myself more time before I got engaged and married. I often think about all this wisdom I now have going into my thirties and how unguided I was to make such permeant life decisions while being young and naive. I met him at 23, we began seriously dating at 24, engaged at 25 and married at 27. It didn't feel young at the time, but it feels young now.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you crazy? What's wrong with making 6 figures? Marriage and children are potentially very stressful as rewarding as some posters make those sound. A career and an education are things which no one can ever take from you. Good on you for being financially successful...we need more women making $$$$ in this century!

[Anonymous]

I am 32. I graduated college at 22, got married at 23, started law school at 24, had my first baby at 26, bought my handyman special home at 27, and had my second at 28.

My 20s sucked bigtime.

But now I have a career, home, kids, marriage, at 32. My husband and I both changed a lot but we changed together and I am glad that we have each other. It was really hard but worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sowed a few wild oats in my early 20's and got married at 27 and had my first child at 32. So, I wasn't young and naive when I got married and I had a few years post-wedding to work on my career and get used to being married. Two more children soon followed. I'm still happily married many years later and my only minor regret was not having my first baby at 30.

Winning