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I feel absolutely horrible! Please tell me what you think
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Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP-here-I know I am an idiot, I truly don't know what I was thinking, I just reacted. To make it worse, my husband is a partner and I am the partner's b*tch wife. My husband is a really, really good guy who always tries to do the right thing.[/quote]
OP, I have found that when I feel anxious about an ambiguous situation and I just *have* to figure out what to say and to say it -- it's usually something like this which is embarrassing and I wish I hadn't said it. In one case, I couldn't figure out whether an African-American man was an employee or a member in a situation at my gym and part of my assumption that he was an employee was because he wore a dark t-shirt similar to the employee t-shirt but the other part was because he was black. He was cheering this kid on at the climbing wall and I couldn't figure out if he was the kid's dad or an instructor. After I said something that implied he was an employee I found out he was the dad. (I mumbled something about his shirt confusing me. I don't think he realized it also about his race.) I don't know if that is what happened to you but your story reminds me of that. I've learned just to keep my mouth shut and sit with the anxiety. I don't have to figure out every ambiguous situation! I also say this as an anti-racist white person that no matter how well-intentioned and caring I am, I still have the same old tapes running in my head that I got growing up. I live in an African-American neighborhood and do just fine here. But last night I was at a play in NW where the audience and cast were heavily white. I saw a young African-American man hanging out before the play and my attennae went up. Now in my neighborhood he would just be one more person whose intentions I don't know about so I wouldn't jump to conclusions. But at the play he seemed like an outsider who had to be watched -- when I had absolutely no evidence that he was dangerous. It might be my generation (I'm older than a lot of people on DCUM) but those tapes don't go away and I just try to ignore them. And I've also said some stupid things in spite of the fact that I'm a lot more active in anti-racism efforts than the average white person. I don't like it -- it is extremely uncomfortable and not how I want to be but I've found that obsessing about it and trying to figure it out doesn't really resolve it. It comes with growing up in a society which, while it has come a long way, is still quite segregated along racial and class lines and I try to do the right thing the next time. Also, I'm not saying you're like me. I don't know you and I don't know what caused you to say that to those kids. But the one thing I can tell you is that I've been in situations like yours and I've done that and I understand your regret and the desire to make it go away. It sucks! I'm sure to get flamed by those who think I'm a silly white liberal but I don't care, this message is for OP. Good luck, OP! Silly white liberal no 100% closet racist yes you should be ashamed of yourself. [/quote] |
Anonymous
| I can't believe this is 2009 and this conversation is happening |
Anonymous
| Please wake up a racist will always be a racist |
Anonymous
What makes you say that? |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous]
Silly white liberal no 100% closet racist yes you should be ashamed of yourself. [/quote] 16:18 here again. Exactly. That's why I posted that. And that's why I think white racism is still so pervasive in our society. There are many of us hearing tapes in our heads that are influenced by our racist legacy and the continuing social and economic segregation still evident in our society. Unlike many white people of my generation, I at least know how my perception is distorted and I do my best not to act on it. I'm also guessing it distorts the perceptions of younger white folks who typically visit DCUM but I'm not of their generation so I can't say that for sure. |
Anonymous
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Why can't we just have an open conversation about race without feeling like we're going to hurt someone's feelings? Why does she feel like she can't say I'm sorry to the boys and leave it alone. I hate when people say I live around black people or I have asians friends I'm not a racist I like all kind of people. If you have to say it you are. You live where you live and like who you like. If I live next door to a family of a different race they're good and they won't harm me but if I run into a black man in the parking lot they may want to hurt me? If I see a strange looking person that makes me nervous I see a person, not oh it's okay I'm not afraid because he's white.
When you try to fix something like this nine times out of ten it makes it worst. Be open to speak your mind with kindness don't drag an executive into it. Leave this foolish talk at the picnic. |
Anonymous
True dat. |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Silly white liberal no 100% closet racist yes you should be ashamed of yourself. [/quote] 16:18 here again. Exactly. That's why I posted that. And that's why I think white racism is still so pervasive in our society. There are many of us hearing tapes in our heads that are influenced by our racist legacy and the continuing social and economic segregation still evident in our society. Unlike many white people of my generation, I at least know how my perception is distorted and I do my best not to act on it. I'm also guessing it distorts the perceptions of younger white folks who typically visit DCUM but I'm not of their generation so I can't say that for sure. [/quote] So why keep it going? Just becasue your grandfather thought that way it's okay for you? Perceptions are verified by actions even if you never open your mouth. When will this stop? |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Silly white liberal no 100% closet racist yes you should be ashamed of yourself. [/quote] 16:18 here again. Exactly. That's why I posted that. And that's why I think white racism is still so pervasive in our society. There are many of us hearing tapes in our heads that are influenced by our racist legacy and the continuing social and economic segregation still evident in our society. Unlike many white people of my generation, I at least know how my perception is distorted and I do my best not to act on it. I'm also guessing it distorts the perceptions of younger white folks who typically visit DCUM but I'm not of their generation so I can't say that for sure. [/quote] So why keep it going? Just becasue your grandfather thought that way it's okay for you? Perceptions are verified by actions even if you never open your mouth. When will this stop?[/quote] Please read more carefully what I said. I don't think it's okay to think this way. I think it's racist. I also think many white people feel this way and just don't acknowledge it to themselves and they wrongly follow through on their distorted perceptions. (eg Officer Crowley arresting Henry Louis Gates) Because I see this in myself that is why I know we live in a deeply racist society and we all have to examine our perceptions and our actions and fight for a better world. We have a long way to go, myself included. |
Anonymous
OP, this is some good advice. |
Anonymous
Interesting. |
Anonymous
| The incident that the OP has shared happens every day to African Americans. Racism is alive and well. |
Anonymous
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OP, you have to get overy yourself and your angst and tell your husband. I highly doubt he will divorce you over it. It just compounds your mistake to leave him in the dark. If it was YOUR company picnic and you didn't want to mention it that would be one thing, but this is HIS workplace.
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Anonymous
As a Black person, I don't believe this is racism. It is stereotyping and prejudice for sure. But I don't believe the people that do what OP did believe other races are inferior based on their skin color. |
Anonymous
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Come on OP, you didn't challenge those boys taking ice cream because you are a control freak, you thought that they weren't part of the party because of the color of thier skin. They knew it too.
You should feel horrible, and next time you should think twice about keeping your mouth shut. If it makes you feel better, I'm quite sure it wasn't the first time something like this has happened to them, and it won't be the last. And you won't just be known ast the b*tch wife, you will be the b*tch racist wife. There is nothing you can do about it but keep from making the same mistake twice. |