Women who had their romantic life sorted out early...

[Anonymous]

Met my husband at 22, married at 25. We didn't have our first child until 29 and even then I felt like a really "young" mom in this area. Those child-free years were great, but we could've started a family earlier. I was worried about what I would be giving up to have a family, but we haven't really changed our life all that much. Don't get me wrong, I say that as someone who is now well past the baby, diaper, toddler stage. We had three kids in 3 years. For me, 29-35 were kind of a sleep-deprived blur and we were even in marriage counseling for awhile. It took awhile to come out the other side so to speak but with the youngest at 6 now and the oldest at 9, we are enjoying life so much right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman who met and married your husbands in your early to mid twenties, how did it turn out?
Are you satisfied with your choice? Why or why not?
Where you also able to finish having a kid or two by early thirties? How did that work out?

I ask because as a soon to be wed 30something, I sometimes wish I was married earlier so I could have started baby making early and be done with it earlier.

Met DH when I was 21. Married him at 24. Had first kid at 31, last at 37. I am now 51 and still married.

I'm satisfied with my choice. We are good partners and have a good life together. I'm satisfied with my choice. I do think about what might have been sometimes. I think there are many people with whom I could gave had a happy marriage.

We waited quite a while to have kids. Neither of us was in a hurry to have them. From where I sit now, I think it might have been better to have them earlier, but I have no real regrets.

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

We are happy and closer. I think we've grown together and are supportive of each other, so tho we've both changed, it's in ways that have made us stronger.

But I also feel like I lucked out. He was an easy and safe choice. It could have easily ended badly because I was still immature and figuring things out about myself and about relationships. So was he. But I think we've been patient and understanding of each other, so it's worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your cats will comfort you in your twilight years.

And your husband will be enjoying a parade of 20-something callgirls and strippers.

You're an ass

No, this is quite comforting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got married at 21, had last child by 27.

IF it works out, it is the best thing ever. But it's a big "if"! Having kids so young was a deeply isolating experience. We are white, so there's no cultural fabric of people around us who have chosen similar timelines. And we are millennials living in NYC so, needless to say, we march to the beat of our own drummer. It is not a path followed by hardly any college educated professionals, which we also are. We have always made excellent money, which is how we floated daycare payments plus saved for retirement.

We are 31 now, and most of my friends are completely jealous of the fact that I'm about to have two elementary schoolers. I have friends who wish the did what we did but, truthfully, I don't think they'd have had the dicipline to do what we've done. Our careers haven't suffered, as we will probably cross a HHI of $500,000 in a few years. That said, our social life is pretty bleak. Most of our friends are much older. We've always made decisions sort of in our own world.

Most of our friends are starting to get nervous about putting it all together, and having kids ridiculously early has, oddly, been easier on our careers than having a kid mid 30s would have been, when you're trying to make partner with a baby and toddler underfoot.

There are several studies that say you did the right thing economically by having kids early: it's easier on your career and earning potential.

And your body! Though I can't cite that. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I started dating DH at 22. Married at 25 when I graduated from law school. Had kid at 27 & 29. I just had my 18th wedding anniversary. Kids are now 13 & 15.

Getting married was 100% the right thing for me to do, and I have never seriously regretted it or questioned the decision. I wasn't trying to get married young, or thinking of marriage when I met DH. It just happened when it happened.

Having kids before 30 was 80% the right decision. Looking back, I wish I had taken more time to travel and be carefree with less responsibility. I was pretty young, and I should have had plenty of time to enjoy being in my 20s before the responsibility of kids. But, as it turned out, I had very complicated pregnancies and both babies were premies, plus a couple of miscarriages. If I had delayed having kids, I might not have been able to carry to term. In fact, I wanted a 3rd, but was strongly advised by my OB to stop while I was ahead. So, I'm thankful I went ahead when aid did.

The nice thing is that I am in my early 40s now, and have reached a place where DH and I can go spur of the moment dinners, and date nights and movies without worrying about childcare. My younger DC will head to college before I turn 50, with most of my children's college education save for. So DH and I will still be young enough, and have the money available to travel and enjoy our freedom. Down the road, we will also hopefully be young enough to really be involved with grandkids.

The other nice thing was that I quickly realized that motherhood and biglaw did not mesh well for me, and went Fed. I ended up doing something I love, low stress and with great work-life balance. I probably could have been richer or more high powered if I had delayed kids, but I doubt I would be happier.

So, it worked for me. But, like a lot of things in life, it is largely about choosing to be thankful for what you have, and not playing the grass is greener game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Yikes lady. Feeling insecure and trying to justify your own choices much? This is objectively not true

Shrug. It's what I've seen, time and time again. But... to each their own.

You are clueless. As a woman who became a parent in my 30s, having kids older wrecks absolute HAVOC on an older person. There is no comparison. My niece recently had a baby at 23 (5 months ago) and we just got back from the beach where she was parading around in her bikini, but cheeks barely covered. Not a single inch of lose skin or flab. Young bodies bounce. Young bodies are biologically designed to bear children.

You will not find a single older mother who will tell you that having kids at an older age will perserve your looks. It's the absolute down fall into rapid middle age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got married at 21, had last child by 27.

IF it works out, it is the best thing ever. But it's a big "if"! Having kids so young was a deeply isolating experience. We are white, so there's no cultural fabric of people around us who have chosen similar timelines. And we are millennials living in NYC so, needless to say, we march to the beat of our own drummer. It is not a path followed by hardly any college educated professionals, which we also are. We have always made excellent money, which is how we floated daycare payments plus saved for retirement.

We are 31 now, and most of my friends are completely jealous of the fact that I'm about to have two elementary schoolers. I have friends who wish the did what we did but, truthfully, I don't think they'd have had the dicipline to do what we've done. Our careers haven't suffered, as we will probably cross a HHI of $500,000 in a few years. That said, our social life is pretty bleak. Most of our friends are much older. We've always made decisions sort of in our own world.

Most of our friends are starting to get nervous about putting it all together, and having kids ridiculously early has, oddly, been easier on our careers than having a kid mid 30s would have been, when you're trying to make partner with a baby and toddler underfoot.

There are several studies that say you did the right thing economically by having kids early: it's easier on your career and earning potential.

Really? I am the OP.

I haven't seen any studies, but I once read that women would be better off delaying their entry into the work force by five years to get all the baby having out of the way, and then be able to focus professionally. It spoke to me, because while we didn't delay entry, I have found it easier to become more senior at work with big kids. Everyone we are competing with is sleep deprived.

NPR had an economist on who discussed it and the data showed that women are better off getting married and quickly popping out two kids shortly after college since they still have plenty of time to focus on a career after staying home for a short period. It makes sense.

This was 100% my experience. Had kids at 24 &26, returned to work at 30 (or really started my career) and now, 10 years later, not only have caught up to my DH, but out earn him by 30%. We're 40, kids are 16 & 14, college is fully funded and by the age of 45 we'll be empty nesters with a high HHI, not financially burdened with kids and are looking forward to lots of golf, travel, and tennis. Sitting here at 40, i could not begin to fathom changing diapers.

I am 39, almost 40. I am still changing diapers. My youngest is 2. My oldest is five. I recently stopped working full-time after 17 years in my profession. I saved a lot in retirement. I never would have been able to save as much as I have if I had kids earlier.

Yea, but you interrupted your career just at your peak earning years. The PP got all the young kid stuff out of the way early and then started her career and is now mid career with no interruptions and probably won't have any at all until retirement, she can executive track it without the burden of kids at home or the guilt. Plus if you return to work in a few years, you'll have the stigma of age, vs someone who has built up a solid consistent reputation.

I can't see a single disadvantage of getting kids out of the way early and then embarking on focusing on a career at 30. 30 is still a very young worker. Id say this is thr most financially wise track to take. However, not everyone meets a great partner to take this path.

[Anonymous]

Married at 26. Finished having kids by late 20s. Will be mid 40s with an empty nest. That is appealing since we never got to travel much when we were very young. There is a heightened possibility to be young grandparents.

I've been lucky to do work I love at a slower pace, but we have made financial trade offs (homeownership came LATE for us, but we have positioned ourselves to save smartly for retirement and college).

DH and I had a somewhat rocky start to our early marriage, but have grown into a more mellow comfort zone.

We are happy. We hope to have a long life of more relaxed yet still energetic times ahead of us.

[Anonymous]

Getting married and having babies in your 20s doesn't mean they had their "romantic" lives straightened out earlier. It could be they are terrified to leave a bad situation sooner, and when they are financially able or the kids are grown, they will divorce.

I watched my friends who married and had babies out of high school or college. There was cheating and wondering if they should be dating others, but they stuck it out for years. They were too afraid to see what else was out there. The fear of the unknown is what kept them with their partner.

Not everyone who marries and has babies young will get divorced in later years or be in an unhappy marriage. I just don't buy these postings that their lives are better because that was the path they chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Yikes lady. Feeling insecure and trying to justify your own choices much? This is objectively not true

Shrug. It's what I've seen, time and time again. But... to each their own.

You are clueless. As a woman who became a parent in my 30s, having kids older wrecks absolute HAVOC on an older person. There is no comparison. My niece recently had a baby at 23 (5 months ago) and we just got back from the beach where she was parading around in her bikini, but cheeks barely covered. Not a single inch of lose skin or flab. Young bodies bounce. Young bodies are biologically designed to bear children.

You will not find a single older mother who will tell you that having kids at an older age will perserve your looks. It's the absolute down fall into rapid middle age.

Not talking about bodies, really, talking about overall youthfulness and specifically the appearance of the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I think the NPR piece that was referenced by some PP's is interesting, everything is so individual-what's right for some may not be right for others. Some people (I am one of them!) are not meant to marry young. My senior year in college I was engaged to a guy who was in medical school. He was a nice guy and went on to have a great career, but we weren't right for each other. I was not ready to be in a serious relationship and ultimately I cheated on him and broke things off. I have no doubt that if we had done the whole "marry shortly after graduation" thing (that we had planned on doing) we would have divorced. Interestingly enough, he ended meeting and marrying someone (another medical student) shortly after our relationship ended. They had kids, both became physicians, did well financially, etc. but their marriage didn't last.

I didn't get married until I was in my early 30's. My husband and I chose not to have children but if I had gone that route there's no way I would have been mature enough or financially secure enough to have kids until I was in my 30's.

I think many people just aren't ready to get married in their early to mid 20's. Some do and that's great (I have a SIL who married at age 20...almost 20 years later she and her husband seem very happy, my sister married at 24 and she and her husband have been married 15 years and are doing great, etc) but I have seen just as many or more situations where the marriage ended in divorce. You change a lot in your 20's and often what you look for in a partner in your early to mid 20's is different than what you would look for in your late 20's and beyond. The tough thing is when you are that age most of the time you don't realize that. I miss looking and physically feeling like a 20 something but I am a much better and wiser person as a 40 something.

NP here. I'm similar to you. I didn't get married until my mid-30s and we don't have children. I'm 40 now.

I don't regret a thing about my 20s. I grew up seeing a lot of very unhappy women in unhappy marriages. They all say their kids are the best thing that happened to them and pretty much see their main value in (1) being mothers and (2) remembering how thin/attractive they were at 18-20 when they got married. It's bizarre. They are all also heavily reliant financially on their husbands. And for every.single.one of them, their marriages got progressively worse after the kids left the nest. I think a huge part of that is because their entire identity and even marriage was centered around kids. The only ones who seem remotely satisfied or happy are the ones who have grandkids and are heavily invested in their grandkids lives (for instance, providing daycare or after care).

I'm sure there are plenty of happy women who married youngish, had kids, and are doing well. But I knew it wasn't for me. I wanted to live on my own, do my own thing, and I did that. Personally, it would have been hard for me to get my financial footing if I got married and had kids young.

While that NPR segment might have merits, my own observations is that it is hard for women (of any age) to jump into a career after a long hiatus of being out of the workforce. It depends on what field you are in. If you are in education or nursing, then it's not as much an issue. But in other fields, you have to work your way up through entry level jobs at first. And a lot of employers are more willing to hire people fresh out of college who have no experience than they are hiring people who are 28, 29, 30 with no experience.

The only women I know (again, this is all anecdotal) who were able to get good-paying jobs or career-advancement-potential jobs after being home with kids for 5 years or so (aside from teachers or nurses) were people who actually had a friend or family member or a husband who was able to get them a job (a job they would never have gotten if they didn't know someone who knew the hiring manager).

But those women would NEVER admit that to people who don't know them. And I think that's what things like articles or NPR segments probably don't capture.

I also don't believe the "it gets easier once they start school" line. Maybe in the past, but everyone I know with school-age children has kid-related commitments around 5:30 pm at least a few nights a week. Again, depending on the field you are in, if you are trying to work your way up professionally, it's pretty difficult to stick to strictly 8-hour days where you can leave at 5 on the dot. I think it's actually easier for women who have paid their professional dues to shift toward more stable hours than it is for women jumping into the workforce to demand those hours.

I'm sure a ton of women are going to post how they were able to do it, but I suspect a lot of them knew someone in order to get the cushy family-friendly job (having no experience) that they got. They won't admit to it, though.

[Anonymous]

10:22 here again.

I will also say that I am glad I was able to travel in my 20s. It's very different traveling in your 20s than it is traveling in your 40s or 50s. I went places on my own, interacted with a lot of other 20-somethings, had experiences that I wouldn't be able to have as a 40-something traveling. It's just a different vibe.

But that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Yikes lady. Feeling insecure and trying to justify your own choices much? This is objectively not true

Shrug. It's what I've seen, time and time again. But... to each their own.

You are clueless. As a woman who became a parent in my 30s, having kids older wrecks absolute HAVOC on an older person. There is no comparison. My niece recently had a baby at 23 (5 months ago) and we just got back from the beach where she was parading around in her bikini, but cheeks barely covered. Not a single inch of lose skin or flab. Young bodies bounce. Young bodies are biologically designed to bear children.

You will not find a single older mother who will tell you that having kids at an older age will perserve your looks. It's the absolute down fall into rapid middle age.

I disagree. I've some 40-year-old women have kids and bounce back. I've also seen some 19-year-olds have kids and put on tons of weight.

It's a combination of genetics, lifestyle, fitness, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:22 here again.

I will also say that I am glad I was able to travel in my 20s. It's very different traveling in your 20s than it is traveling in your 40s or 50s. I went places on my own, interacted with a lot of other 20-somethings, had experiences that I wouldn't be able to have as a 40-something traveling. It's just a different vibe.

But that's me.

I agree totally with your other post, and this also.

I'm 29 and I honestly look back at my 20s, which have been spent working, partying, and traveling, often solo, and I'm very happy with them. Sure there's a part of me that worries- when will I settle down? Will I want to settle down in time to have kids? But nowadays, with freezing one's eggs a possibility, it seems like less and less a thing you have to worry about.

From what I have seen- your life, your SOLO life, kind of stops when you have kids.

My mother is 60 and finally all of us are out of the nest and she's just so thrilled to be rediscovering her own personal interests, downsizing to a smaller house, etc. She also got divorced from my dad (when we were a bit younger) and is just kind of having her own rebirth.

I definitely want children, and I definitely think they are such a blessing to one's life. As is finding the right partner. But I think the personal journey you have with yourself is also hugely important, and there's nothing like adventure, like the enormous amount of freedom western women have today that is pretty much unprecedented in history, to make you feel truly in touch with yourself and your life journey.