Women who had their romantic life sorted out early...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Uhhhhh. Oh well okay in THAT case, let me go ahead and entirely base my major life decisions off of some random internet troll's nonsensical opinion about my physical potential in 30 years. Definitely gotta get my priorities straight here

Great contribution, really. I'm guessing you waited to have your kids when you were AMA are are feeling insecure about it? Typ

Um, wrong actually. I'm still in my "early childbearing years", so I could change that if I wanted to.

I was just making an observation on the people I have met in my life. And you're right, I am a "random" stranger on the internet.

But damn if it didn't hit a nerve! JFC. I'll just back away slowly, leave you to lick whatever wound I touched...

[Anonymous]

I graduated college early and went to law school. Graduated at 23, married that summer. Worked a few years and got pregnant at 27; that child tragically died at birth. Had another at 28, then final at 31.

Honestly it has been a lot of ups and downs. My marriage is strong but I haven't really gotten over losing my first. You don't.

I ramped down my career and don't intend on ramping it back up (I work part time). I could have pursued prestige and money but want to be there for my kids. When they are grown, I intend on traveling and pursuing my hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Uhhhhh. Oh well okay in THAT case, let me go ahead and entirely base my major life decisions off of some random internet troll's nonsensical opinion about my physical potential in 30 years. Definitely gotta get my priorities straight here

Great contribution, really. I'm guessing you waited to have your kids when you were AMA are are feeling insecure about it? Typ

Um, wrong actually. I'm still in my "early childbearing years", so I could change that if I wanted to.

I was just making an observation on the people I have met in my life. And you're right, I am a "random" stranger on the internet.

But damn if it didn't hit a nerve! JFC. I'll just back away slowly, leave you to lick whatever wound I touched...

NP here: I had kids young and of course I look more tired than someone my age without kids. Plus I have a special needs child and have developed issues of my own...I have 2 impingements of my spinal column due to bad arthritis. I am in my mid 30s and haven't slept a full night since I was 27. No shit some childless woman looks Younger. If that is your priority, never have kids!!! it isn't some big secret that parenting is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got married at 21, had last child by 27.

IF it works out, it is the best thing ever. But it's a big "if"! Having kids so young was a deeply isolating experience. We are white, so there's no cultural fabric of people around us who have chosen similar timelines. And we are millennials living in NYC so, needless to say, we march to the beat of our own drummer. It is not a path followed by hardly any college educated professionals, which we also are. We have always made excellent money, which is how we floated daycare payments plus saved for retirement.

We are 31 now, and most of my friends are completely jealous of the fact that I'm about to have two elementary schoolers. I have friends who wish the did what we did but, truthfully, I don't think they'd have had the dicipline to do what we've done. Our careers haven't suffered, as we will probably cross a HHI of $500,000 in a few years. That said, our social life is pretty bleak. Most of our friends are much older. We've always made decisions sort of in our own world.

Most of our friends are starting to get nervous about putting it all together, and having kids ridiculously early has, oddly, been easier on our careers than having a kid mid 30s would have been, when you're trying to make partner with a baby and toddler underfoot.

There are several studies that say you did the right thing economically by having kids early: it's easier on your career and earning potential.

Really, my husband had kids early and later. Later financially and emotionally was much easier. He had his first at 18, then a few more. They divorced after 10 years. Since the divorce, he got his degree and has done much better.

Having a baby at 18 obviously isn't wise.

The NPR segment I'm referring to really focused on the old fashioned approach of graduating from college and quickly marrying and popping out two kids. The data really seemed to focus on women and what's best for them: get a degree, marry a guy with a degree and good job, stay home for a little while with your babies, then build your career. Life does get easier when your kids are in school all day (cheaper too).

I have a degree, worked 10+ years, and now SAH. If I went back I'd make next to nothing and at that point its not worth going back given I'll be close to retirement age. Even if I went back now, my income would be so low it wouldn't cover before/after school with much left over. If you leave the work force, you know you may not make as much or struggle going back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got married at 21, had last child by 27.

IF it works out, it is the best thing ever. But it's a big "if"! Having kids so young was a deeply isolating experience. We are white, so there's no cultural fabric of people around us who have chosen similar timelines. And we are millennials living in NYC so, needless to say, we march to the beat of our own drummer. It is not a path followed by hardly any college educated professionals, which we also are. We have always made excellent money, which is how we floated daycare payments plus saved for retirement.

We are 31 now, and most of my friends are completely jealous of the fact that I'm about to have two elementary schoolers. I have friends who wish the did what we did but, truthfully, I don't think they'd have had the dicipline to do what we've done. Our careers haven't suffered, as we will probably cross a HHI of $500,000 in a few years. That said, our social life is pretty bleak. Most of our friends are much older. We've always made decisions sort of in our own world.

Most of our friends are starting to get nervous about putting it all together, and having kids ridiculously early has, oddly, been easier on our careers than having a kid mid 30s would have been, when you're trying to make partner with a baby and toddler underfoot.

There are several studies that say you did the right thing economically by having kids early: it's easier on your career and earning potential.

Really, my husband had kids early and later. Later financially and emotionally was much easier. He had his first at 18, then a few more. They divorced after 10 years. Since the divorce, he got his degree and has done much better.

Having a baby at 18 obviously isn't wise.

The NPR segment I'm referring to really focused on the old fashioned approach of graduating from college and quickly marrying and popping out two kids. The data really seemed to focus on women and what's best for them: get a degree, marry a guy with a degree and good job, stay home for a little while with your babies, then build your career. Life does get easier when your kids are in school all day (cheaper too).

I have a degree, worked 10+ years, and now SAH. If I went back I'd make next to nothing and at that point its not worth going back given I'll be close to retirement age. Even if I went back now, my income would be so low it wouldn't cover before/after school with much left over. If you leave the work force, you know you may not make as much or struggle going back.

Reading comprehension. Again, different situation. Sounds like you left the workforce early/mid-30s.

What's being discussed here is having kids very early on, and then building the near entirety of your career after you're done having kids in your mid 20s, and NOT leaving the workforce after that point, because you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

^ Forgot to add - of course if is going to be impossible to catch up if you duck out of the workforce during prime career-building and promotion-getting years of your 30s. There is economic and professional advantage is in not having to do that.

[Anonymous]

I had my kids in my 20s. It was really hard in my 20s because everyone else my age seemed to be having more fun and couldn't relate. And then in my early 30s I felt professionally "behind" my peers. But now I'm in my early 40s and reaping the benefits both professionally and personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find both men and women, but especially women (probably since they do the majority of child care) look soooooo much older if they had kids young. Not just compared to their childless peers- but when they get older and things have equalized, the ones who had kids young just look more haggard to my eye. Generalizing, of course.

Uhhhhh. Oh well okay in THAT case, let me go ahead and entirely base my major life decisions off of some random internet troll's nonsensical opinion about my physical potential in 30 years. Definitely gotta get my priorities straight here

Great contribution, really. I'm guessing you waited to have your kids when you were AMA are are feeling insecure about it? Typ

Um, wrong actually. I'm still in my "early childbearing years", so I could change that if I wanted to.

I was just making an observation on the people I have met in my life. And you're right, I am a "random" stranger on the internet.

But damn if it didn't hit a nerve! JFC. I'll just back away slowly, leave you to lick whatever wound I touched...

NP here: I had kids young and of course I look more tired than someone my age without kids. Plus I have a special needs child and have developed issues of my own...I have 2 impingements of my spinal column due to bad arthritis. I am in my mid 30s and haven't slept a full night since I was 27. No shit some childless woman looks Younger. If that is your priority, never have kids!!! it isn't some big secret that parenting is hard.

I have noticed women who have their kids later don't seem to get that same haggard look- or, if they do, substantially later. Exceptions to this, of corse, just speaking generally.

[Anonymous]

We met at age 18 in college. DH never stopped pursuing me--our joke is that he got his MR degree. We got married at 25 and traveled, went out, and otherwise enjoyed the DINK lifestyle while saving lots of money. Had 2 kids at 32 & 36. Totally happy with how things turned out.

[Anonymous]

Married at 21, DH was 23, kids at 24 and 26. Began grad school in 30's got PHD and have worked ever since. Definitely some ups and downs, but kids were out of the house by the time I was 44. No problem paying for college (it was a while ago) and we had lots of $ to travel etc.

My main regret is that i think I would have been a better parent if I'd been older. But the marriage got a lot better after the kids left home, and they turned out okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married at 21, DH was 23, kids at 24 and 26. Began grad school in 30's got PHD and have worked ever since. Definitely some ups and downs, but kids were out of the house by the time I was 44. No problem paying for college (it was a while ago) and we had lots of $ to travel etc.

My main regret is that i think I would have been a better parent if I'd been older. But the marriage got a lot better after the kids left home, and they turned out okay.

Oh, and I don't think either of us ever looked particularly haggard. At 24/26 I sprang back pretty fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your cats will comfort you in your twilight years.

And your husband will be enjoying a parade of 20-something callgirls and strippers.

This is basically how it is panning out for me. Married at 25, divorced with 3 kids at 40. The strippers were parading throughout our marriage so there's that.

[Anonymous]

While I think the NPR piece that was referenced by some PP's is interesting, everything is so individual-what's right for some may not be right for others. Some people (I am one of them!) are not meant to marry young. My senior year in college I was engaged to a guy who was in medical school. He was a nice guy and went on to have a great career, but we weren't right for each other. I was not ready to be in a serious relationship and ultimately I cheated on him and broke things off. I have no doubt that if we had done the whole "marry shortly after graduation" thing (that we had planned on doing) we would have divorced. Interestingly enough, he ended meeting and marrying someone (another medical student) shortly after our relationship ended. They had kids, both became physicians, did well financially, etc. but their marriage didn't last.

I didn't get married until I was in my early 30's. My husband and I chose not to have children but if I had gone that route there's no way I would have been mature enough or financially secure enough to have kids until I was in my 30's.

I think many people just aren't ready to get married in their early to mid 20's. Some do and that's great (I have a SIL who married at age 20...almost 20 years later she and her husband seem very happy, my sister married at 24 and she and her husband have been married 15 years and are doing great, etc) but I have seen just as many or more situations where the marriage ended in divorce. You change a lot in your 20's and often what you look for in a partner in your early to mid 20's is different than what you would look for in your late 20's and beyond. The tough thing is when you are that age most of the time you don't realize that. I miss looking and physically feeling like a 20 something but I am a much better and wiser person as a 40 something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman who met and married your husbands in your early to mid twenties, how did it turn out?
Are you satisfied with your choice? Why or why not?
Where you also able to finish having a kid or two by early thirties? How did that work out?

I ask because as a soon to be wed 30something, I sometimes wish I was married earlier so I could have started baby making early and be done with it earlier.

Together since age 20, so 19 years. Done having kids by age 32. I feel very lucky to have met my DH early in life and that at the age of 20, i knew he was a good man and a keeper.

It has had financial benefits as well. Forced us into the DC housing market in 2001 and that has paid off very well.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I met at 24, married at 28, kids at 31 and 34. We waited to finish our phds and I'm pretty sure it was the right decision even though *I was ready earlier. I was ready just out of college. I took it easy at work and am just now getting ramped up again at 37. But with the phd, my job was pretty solid the whole time and I can simply choose to pursue more now. I usually think we did things right (and got lucky) but almost all of my close friends with similar aged kids are 3/4 years younger than me and that makes me feel insecure. Financially I'm probably in the best spot though. Whatever. Life could be full of regrets if you let it. Heard a good quote today: if you want a tree, the best time to have planted it was 20 years ago. The next best time to plant it is right now.