He lied

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people suggesting that it just became too hard to tell the truth - I don't think that's what happened here. It wasn't just that he never corrected the lie. There was an ongoing proactiveness to perpetuate the lie. "Going to check on a leak?" That's not just going along when OP brought up the house. That is some elaborate deception there and shows that he spent time thinking about what he needed to do to make the lie look real. That is not normal behavior and is much worse than simply being embarrassed to correct a prior embellishment. I think OP should get out.

This.
Plus he tried to subtly shift blame on OP, he felt inadequate. A liar and someone who feels threatened by a sucessful partner is not a good choice for a spouse. Throw him back in.

this x 1million

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think that would be a "time to call off the wedding" red flag to me

I'm so sorry, op

[Anonymous]

Lies are like mice and ants, there is never just one.

I know it is hard and you are so close to being married and have probably spent some money on the wedding. Consider it an investment in your future if you have to give up that money. Don't worry about how it will look or what will people think. Think about 10yrs into a marriage with him and the lies he will have concocted and you won't even know about. Financial issues in a marriage, especially in a new marriage will kill this marriage early. You could spend time investigating to see what else is going on but he is just going to get better at hiding things. Sure you could get a credit report and go over it line by line but it is just going to piss you off more. You know that if he lied about owning a home there are other financial issues going on.

If you need more evidence to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing by dumping him then sure go through all the things folks have suggested. If you intend to stay with him no matter what then end this conversation and just marry him. Staying around long term and postponing the wedding just gives him opportunity to hid more things and get better at it and convince you that it was just the one big honking lie.

Think about your future, your potential children's future and what your life is going to be like in 5 or 10 yrs from now with him.

[Anonymous]

I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP. I'm sorry. Character defiency. He might learn a tremendous amount from it, but I think you need to end it. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

He's a sociopath. Nobody without a serious personality disorder could continue a deception like that with someone so close to them for so long.

It wasn't just a little white lie that got out of hand (which would also be a HUGE red flag for me anyway). He's invented a whole other fantasy world for himself, and dragged you into it. He's sick.

These are the types of guys that end up with a second family on the side. Or who pretends to have a well paying job and goes and sits at the park all day and gets deeper into debt until he develops a drug problem and meanwhile his family is bankrupt and credit is shot and no chance whatsoever of a normal life again.

Pack his stuff NOW and move him out. Tell him that you have different values. Move on.

And be grateful every single day for the rest of your life that you found out now rather than in a year from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

Yea..that's quite a doozy. Nevermind the fact that he abandoned two children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

Yea..that's quite a doozy. Nevermind the fact that he abandoned two children.

I think they're as bad as each other. Both situations are total deal breakers. I think the biggest difference is that the MIL was already married to him with kids. She had some skin in the game. OP is lucky enough to be able to just walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

That's because he's too busy cutting up his mother's body into little pieces and spreading the remains all over the DC area.

Can you imagine how he probably freaked out on his poor mother for unintentionally "outing " him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

That's because he's too busy cutting up his mother's body into little pieces and spreading the remains all over the DC area.

Can you imagine how he probably freaked out on his poor mother for unintentionally "outing " him?

+1000
Omg, I was thinking the exact same thing, lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

Yea..that's quite a doozy. Nevermind the fact that he abandoned two children.

FIL made a conscious decision not to tell my MIL of a crucial fact. That IS a lie of omission. I'm not downplaying it, merely categorizing it. DH didn't really care much about it until we had our own kids. He then found it unfathomable. His dad had been his hero and, only then, did he realize what an awful thing his father had done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

Yea..that's quite a doozy. Nevermind the fact that he abandoned two children.

FIL made a conscious decision not to tell my MIL of a crucial fact. That IS a lie of omission. I'm not downplaying it, merely categorizing it. DH didn't really care much about it until we had our own kids. He then found it unfathomable. His dad had been his hero and, only then, did he realize what an awful thing his father had done.

As a parent I wouldn't feel guilty for outing-- I'd feel like a failure of a parent for raising this adult who is a pathological liar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could possibly get over the initial lie (his stating he owned vs rented) if that was where the discussion had ended. But he continued to lie, made up details, and carried on this fabrication for months or years. There's no getting over that. How will you be able to trust what he says about anything when you know he can so easily lie?

Same here. My ILs were happily married for 40 years. My FIL was completely devoted to MIL and was an incredible caregiver to MIL as she was dying. Yet, prior to their marriage, he didn't tell her he'd been married previously and had 2 kids for whom he gave up his parental rights and they were adopted by their stepfather. MIL didn't find out until DH was 14. I'm told things were rough for a while but they worked through it. I don't know if I could have. But, the difference between these two situations is that my FIL's as a lie of omission. OP's BF actively lied and continued to build the lie.

That's a betrayal of trust I don't know I could get past. You certainly shouldn't be getting married in 4 months. Definitely get some counseling.

Uh, I wouldn't just call that a "lie of omission." This is possibly bigger than the lie about the house.

Yea..that's quite a doozy. Nevermind the fact that he abandoned two children.

FIL made a conscious decision not to tell my MIL of a crucial fact. That IS a lie of omission. I'm not downplaying it, merely categorizing it. DH didn't really care much about it until we had our own kids. He then found it unfathomable. His dad had been his hero and, only then, did he realize what an awful thing his father had done.

Wow, that's really heavy.
That must have been so conflicting for your husband, to think one way for so many years & then change the way he thinks about his dad forever. It makes me sad for him.

Does your husband have a relationship with either sibling?