He lied

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

If I were you I would consider this a gift from my guardian angel. Imagine if you had married him? I mean, the level of deception is on another level. How long would the lies have gone on?

[Anonymous]

When we start relationships, lying is not uncommon. People often want to put the best foot forward. It could be as mundane as the teen stuffing her bra. Or pretending to be a graduate of an elite university.

The problem with the lies is they will be discovered. When the guy feels you up, and finds a sock/tissue.

The thing is, there are big lies, little lies and stupid lies. Ownership of a house is a big and stupid lie. Big because it suggests a long term situation that is not factual. Stupid because it is so easy to verify.

He lied about is financial situation, presumably so you would not judge him. And he kept up the lie.

For me, this would be a deal breaker. But, I put a premium on honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So did you have a conversation with him about this?

Or did you just take what mom said and run with it?

I didn't say anything until we were back at my place alone. I said "who''s Dave and why did your mom ask if he had it rented out when you ended your lease". He admitted to it then.

Was he apologetic? Did he say why he lied? Did he seem embarrassed or concerned about your feelings and the damage he has done to your relationship? Or did he deflect and refuse to take responsibility for his lies? All things to think about when deciding what to do next

He was apologetic, said he felt inferior. Asked what it means for us. That's when I said I needed a few days.

I think the PP asked some good questions and it's a good line to follow.

You have a lot of knee-jerk replies telling you to get out. They may be correct. However, let me play devil's advocate for a minute. None of us know the history of your relationship or his prior relationships. Maybe his last serious relationship ended due to his GF being materialistic. Maybe he started with the little lie not anticipating your relationship would last and then fell in love and found himself trapped in his lie. He wanted to fix it but with each passing day, it seemed harder to do. Is it a reason for you to be cautious and concerned? Absolutely. Is it a reason to just end it without further conversation? I say no. Talk to him. Stay clam in spite of whatever you may be feeling inside. Ask all the questions you need. You deserve answers. Then, you need to weigh those answers.
Was he truthful in his explanation?
Are you satisfied with his explanation?
Is there anything else he lied about?
Do you need more time and to push back the wedding date to figure things out?

I like that you have given yourself a cooling down period and that you are not making any rash decisions. I hope you get the answers you seek. Good luck.

There's always one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

He's giving you the space you requested, which is good. He's likely waiting for you to reach out to him to say you are ready to talk.
There are 2 ways this can be. It was a situation like the virginity story above that spiraled and he didn't know how to get out. He learned a valuable lesson and knows he will have to earn your trust back
Or
He's a chronic liar on you need to run away. Seems like the later is easy enough to find out.

Time to sit him down and start the Spanish inquisition.

[Anonymous]

Girl, don't.

This is a huge lie, and you need to consider it a gift that you know now. There will be more. Don't marry him and have kids to find this out.

[Anonymous]

He went to bed every night knowing about the lie.
He got engaged to you built on the lie.
You thought you knew him and were compatible based on the lie.
The lie was a financial benefit for you both. (It wasn't irrelevant).

He will lie big again. Do you really want to be with someone who is that OK with you being kept under lies?

End it. Have compassion for why he may have lied, but end it. The guy has issues. The next lies could be much worse. I gave a liar a second chance. Humans are flawed blah blah blah. He lied again in major ways. Being lied to is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

To the people suggesting that it just became too hard to tell the truth - I don't think that's what happened here. It wasn't just that he never corrected the lie. There was an ongoing proactiveness to perpetuate the lie. "Going to check on a leak?" That's not just going along when OP brought up the house. That is some elaborate deception there and shows that he spent time thinking about what he needed to do to make the lie look real. That is not normal behavior and is much worse than simply being embarrassed to correct a prior embellishment. I think OP should get out.

[Anonymous]

DUMP HIM.
RUN AWAY.
This is NOT the first lie, it won't be the last. when you are 45 and wondering where your retirement funds are going to come from, you will look back at al the lies about financials he has committed during your marriage , and by then it will be too late. GET OUT while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people suggesting that it just became too hard to tell the truth - I don't think that's what happened here. It wasn't just that he never corrected the lie. There was an ongoing proactiveness to perpetuate the lie. "Going to check on a leak?" That's not just going along when OP brought up the house. That is some elaborate deception there and shows that he spent time thinking about what he needed to do to make the lie look real. That is not normal behavior and is much worse than simply being embarrassed to correct a prior embellishment. I think OP should get out.

This.
Plus he tried to subtly shift blame on OP, he felt inadequate. A liar and someone who feels threatened by a sucessful partner is not a good choice for a spouse. Throw him back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

He's giving you the space you requested, which is good. He's likely waiting for you to reach out to him to say you are ready to talk.
There are 2 ways this can be. It was a situation like the virginity story above that spiraled and he didn't know how to get out. He learned a valuable lesson and knows he will have to earn your trust back
Or
He's a chronic liar on you need to run away. Seems like the later is easy enough to find out.

Time to sit him down and start the Spanish inquisition.

Excuse me! I posted about the "virginity story" and the point of that was I never actually told a story- just kind of mumbled facts that were noncommittal and gave the appearance of having lost it earlier. Also I was in my early 20s! It was never an outright lie which is why I felt so uncomfortable. It's completely different from this deliberate deception on OP's fiance's part

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

He's giving you the space you requested, which is good. He's likely waiting for you to reach out to him to say you are ready to talk.
There are 2 ways this can be. It was a situation like the virginity story above that spiraled and he didn't know how to get out. He learned a valuable lesson and knows he will have to earn your trust back
Or
He's a chronic liar on you need to run away. Seems like the later is easy enough to find out.

Time to sit him down and start the Spanish inquisition.

Excuse me! I posted about the "virginity story" and the point of that was I never actually told a story- just kind of mumbled facts that were noncommittal and gave the appearance of having lost it earlier. Also I was in my early 20s! It was never an outright lie which is why I felt so uncomfortable. It's completely different from this deliberate deception on OP's fiance's part

C'mon. You have got to be kidding. A lie is a lie whether mumbled, misunderstood statements (or omissions), regardless of age.

[Anonymous]

OK! I'm going to play devils advocate here.

I used to be a compulsive liar when I was in my late teens - early twenties. I lied a lot. About stupid things. I told my boyfriend I was a year older than I was. I lied and pretended I was an adult film star! I lied about a lot of stupid details.

I lied because I felt I needed to be interesting and have a "story to tell." It's VERY easy to get caught up in your lies. Perhaps he felt ashamed about his own financial situation and wanted to make himself look better than he is.

Regardless, he still lied to you. He probably needs to go to therapy or at least have a real reason for why he lied. I lied to my current husband about several things when we first stated dating because I still felt embarrassed. Please don't give up on someone - sometimes there's some deep rooted issues that we need to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

He's giving you the space you requested, which is good. He's likely waiting for you to reach out to him to say you are ready to talk.
There are 2 ways this can be. It was a situation like the virginity story above that spiraled and he didn't know how to get out. He learned a valuable lesson and knows he will have to earn your trust back
Or
He's a chronic liar on you need to run away. Seems like the later is easy enough to find out.

Time to sit him down and start the Spanish inquisition.

Excuse me! I posted about the "virginity story" and the point of that was I never actually told a story- just kind of mumbled facts that were noncommittal and gave the appearance of having lost it earlier. Also I was in my early 20s! It was never an outright lie which is why I felt so uncomfortable. It's completely different from this deliberate deception on OP's fiance's part

C'mon. You have got to be kidding. A lie is a lie whether mumbled, misunderstood statements (or omissions), regardless of age.

Nope, there are levels of lies. Which is why there is perjury- the courts understand that lying under oath is more important than lying not under oath. By that same logic we can understand that a misunderstanding not corrected is less serious than a deliberate, purposeful misleading. One of the level that OP's fiance has undertaken- it boggles the mind. Which is why everyone is saying exactly that

[Anonymous]

Please leave him. I have the advantage of hindsight and OH how I wish I'd left my then fiance for something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The few people who are trying to get you to rationalize why he lied, as if the reasons matter, are missing the point. This is a person who handles his uncomfortable issues and situations by lying. And then he elaborates and lives out that lie. It's not a thing where, on the spot, he panicked and lied, and then came clean. Lying is a way of life. From long experience, I assure you this is coping strategy he will use again and again.

+100

He is showing you how he deals with uncomfortable situations--he lies. My friend bought a house and had a child with a guy like this. When he felt uncomfortable, he lied. Turns out, he didn't want to buy a house with her or have a kid. But he want able to have an uncomfortable conversation, so he just went along with it. Until he started cheating, not paying the bills and buying his mistress thousands of $$$ in stripper shoes.

Do not marry someone who is not able to truthfully have uncomfortable conversations!