Stay-At-Home-Mother but not Housekeeper

[Anonymous]

I assume this is your first child?

Once the baby is here, there will be housework JUST TO SURVIVE.

I think your attitude is a good one, if you can afford it, and we take the same approach. My job is to be a parent to my child, not to take care of the house. My husband agrees. We outsource as much of the housework as we can.

That said, I think children (especially when they are not babies) benefit from seeing a PARENT doing housework, and to be honest, it can be fun to do a little laundry with a toddler, or clean the kitchen with a 2 year old. And cooking with a 3 or 4 year old is awesome. But prioritizing the fun stuff is a great idea. You are not a maid. You are a mom. I totally agree.

But you should know that when you are at some point wiping poop/avocado/crayon from the walls/your hair/the couch, you will still feel like a maid.

[Anonymous]

Okay, the people who are attacking you are RIDICULOUS. Please know that. You need to post this on a SAHM group. Go onto babycenter and find one of the SAHM boards (which I also follow, as a SAHM).

What you are proposing is fine. It's hard for you to picture because the baby isn't here. But what you're trying to say is that your priority is the baby, not doing housework, and that you are not a "housewife," or a maid, you are a parent. That is the same approach I took when I stayed home. And I needed DH to be on the same page so that we had the same expectations. He wanted me to spend my afternoon tickling my baby's toes, not making dinner. We lowered our expectations, and when he was home, we did housework 50/50 (sometimes it was 70/30 with his doing MORE because he recognizes how physically demanding my job is).

As baby got older I took on more of those responsibilities because I wanted to, and because it was enjoyable, and because it is easy to do so with a baby ONCE THEY ARE OLDER, but you will kill yourself if you try to do all that when they are an infant.

Please post this on a group for SAHMs. You will get a much better response.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I rarely did housework growing up as we had a full time housekeeper. I do not have a housekeeper now and am a SAHM to 2. I am pretty bad at doing housework - I just swiffer/dust/vaccum/load the dishwasher and do the laundry, I don't think the house is very clean and it is always pretty messy with the odd toy here and there. The only thing I do well is probably hand washing my baby's bottles and my pump parts.. If you can afford to hire help and if it would make you a better parent then go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have always split the household chores equally. I want this to change when I stop working after our child is born - I want to do less. We have a cleaning service that comes in once a week and do a lot of ordering of supplies online.

Basically, I want to do only what a good nanny would do in terms of spending all the baby's waking hours engaged with her and her napping hours either napping myself or doing her chores (baby's laundry, food prep, etc). I want to do classes with my child, go on play dates and not think about the house at all.

Is this possible? DH is all for it right now but...

So who is going to do more when you do less? Household chores don't just disappear because you now have a baby. In fact, they multiply. More meals, more dishes, definitely more laundry, and yes, the house doesn't clean itself. So you're saying that you want your DH to do more? On top of working? So he comes home after a day at work, and he will start cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, yard work, home maintenance, car maintenance, paying the bills, making appointments, etc? Let's say that he agrees, and that this will work. When will you spend time with your DH? Also, I am assuming that you will want some "me" time for gym, girlfriends, hair, nails, whatever. When are you going to get that in? Is it while your DH takes care of the kid while cooking and doing laundry? Check back with us in two years and let us know how that works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, the people who are attacking you are RIDICULOUS. Please know that. You need to post this on a SAHM group. Go onto babycenter and find one of the SAHM boards (which I also follow, as a SAHM).

What you are proposing is fine. It's hard for you to picture because the baby isn't here. But what you're trying to say is that your priority is the baby, not doing housework, and that you are not a "housewife," or a maid, you are a parent. That is the same approach I took when I stayed home. And I needed DH to be on the same page so that we had the same expectations. He wanted me to spend my afternoon tickling my baby's toes, not making dinner. We lowered our expectations, and when he was home, we did housework 50/50 (sometimes it was 70/30 with his doing MORE because he recognizes how physically demanding my job is).

As baby got older I took on more of those responsibilities because I wanted to, and because it was enjoyable, and because it is easy to do so with a baby ONCE THEY ARE OLDER, but you will kill yourself if you try to do all that when they are an infant.

Please post this on a group for SAHMs. You will get a much better response.

This is exactly what she is saying she doesn't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have always split the household chores equally. I want this to change when I stop working after our child is born - I want to do less. We have a cleaning service that comes in once a week and do a lot of ordering of supplies online.

Basically, I want to do only what a good nanny would do in terms of spending all the baby's waking hours engaged with her and her napping hours either napping myself or doing her chores (baby's laundry, food prep, etc). I want to do classes with my child, go on play dates and not think about the house at all.

Is this possible? DH is all for it right now but...

So who is going to do more when you do less? Household chores don't just disappear because you now have a baby. In fact, they multiply. More meals, more dishes, definitely more laundry, and yes, the house doesn't clean itself. So you're saying that you want your DH to do more? On top of working? So he comes home after a day at work, and he will start cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, yard work, home maintenance, car maintenance, paying the bills, making appointments, etc? Let's say that he agrees, and that this will work. When will you spend time with your DH? Also, I am assuming that you will want some "me" time for gym, girlfriends, hair, nails, whatever. When are you going to get that in? Is it while your DH takes care of the kid while cooking and doing laundry? Check back with us in two years and let us know how that works out.

I love the concept of focusing on child rearing, but honestly, you need a staff for that. Full time housekeeper, like Alice from the Brady Bunch. I grew up in a family with staff; my mom never did anything but garden, go to her club, volunteering (this was back in the days of benign neglect of kids). If you want to fill your time with child-centered activities, I think that's lovely, but practically, you need someone to cook, clean, do laundry, mend/fix things, manage household needs (shopping, etc).

[Anonymous]

I think what's missing is a time frame here. Are we talking FOREVER? Or just for some period of time? I'm a SAHM and my ideal would have been to do no household chores for 3 months, and we tried to make that happen - my DH took 3 months paternity leave to bond with baby and take care of me while we nested. Then for the first year the focus was definitely on facilitating baby and me bond and play (and nurse etc), so he picked up the slack. After that, it was back to business as usual, and sadly nothing of that sort happened with our second child (ha!).

So OP do you mean you want to do less (and have DH do more) while the baby is baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have always split the household chores equally. I want this to change when I stop working after our child is born - I want to do less. We have a cleaning service that comes in once a week and do a lot of ordering of supplies online.

Basically, I want to do only what a good nanny would do in terms of spending all the baby's waking hours engaged with her and her napping hours either napping myself or doing her chores (baby's laundry, food prep, etc). I want to do classes with my child, go on play dates and not think about the house at all.

Is this possible? DH is all for it right now but...

Here's the thing. If you hired a nanny, she wouldn't have to do your housecleaning, but she would still have to do her own. I think that is the detail you are missing. It's like you want to be a nanny who goes home and doesn't have to do any of her own housecleaning either.

What's wrong with splitting the chores equally with your husband?

eh, when the nanny goes home she likely doesn't bring her charges (or the mess they make) with her. It is up to the nanny whether to clean her own home or hire someone to do it for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, the people who are attacking you are RIDICULOUS. Please know that. You need to post this on a SAHM group. Go onto babycenter and find one of the SAHM boards (which I also follow, as a SAHM).

What you are proposing is fine. It's hard for you to picture because the baby isn't here. But what you're trying to say is that your priority is the baby, not doing housework, and that you are not a "housewife," or a maid, you are a parent. That is the same approach I took when I stayed home. And I needed DH to be on the same page so that we had the same expectations. He wanted me to spend my afternoon tickling my baby's toes, not making dinner. We lowered our expectations, and when he was home, we did housework 50/50 (sometimes it was 70/30 with his doing MORE because he recognizes how physically demanding my job is).

As baby got older I took on more of those responsibilities because I wanted to, and because it was enjoyable, and because it is easy to do so with a baby ONCE THEY ARE OLDER, but you will kill yourself if you try to do all that when they are an infant.

Please post this on a group for SAHMs. You will get a much better response.

Heaven forbid OP hear from folks (working parents) who have tips for how to balance way more than she would as a SAHM with one kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm reading a great book about being a mindful parent. We all fall into this trap before we have kids, so don't feel bad, but you are planning for a child you don't know. Take your cues from your child (once born) and your life. Maybe you'll have a quiet chill baby and you'll feel energized to get some housework done so you guys can live in a peaceful clean environment. Maybe your baby will refuse to be put down and you'll make do for a year with a cleaning lady and a messier home. Maybe you'll hate narration. Maybe your kid will (I have a friend whose baby since birth HATED to hear singing). You know how to live your life, and you'll learn about your baby and what is best for him/her. The answer will be apparent soon enough.

We are all guilty of this, but the internet doesn't know what will work in your house, with your spouse or your kid. But you will!

Good luck!

PS - in my subjective opinion based on my own experience, you'll have to do a shit ton of picking up/dishes/cooking daily if you want the house to run. It's crazy for a while, but you'll get the hang of it, and figure out what works best for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, the people who are attacking you are RIDICULOUS. Please know that. You need to post this on a SAHM group. Go onto babycenter and find one of the SAHM boards (which I also follow, as a SAHM).

What you are proposing is fine. It's hard for you to picture because the baby isn't here. But what you're trying to say is that your priority is the baby, not doing housework, and that you are not a "housewife," or a maid, you are a parent. That is the same approach I took when I stayed home. And I needed DH to be on the same page so that we had the same expectations. He wanted me to spend my afternoon tickling my baby's toes, not making dinner. We lowered our expectations, and when he was home, we did housework 50/50 (sometimes it was 70/30 with his doing MORE because he recognizes how physically demanding my job is).

As baby got older I took on more of those responsibilities because I wanted to, and because it was enjoyable, and because it is easy to do so with a baby ONCE THEY ARE OLDER, but you will kill yourself if you try to do all that when they are an infant.

Please post this on a group for SAHMs. You will get a much better response.

Heaven forbid OP hear from folks (working parents) who have tips for how to balance way more than she would as a SAHM with one kid.

What were the constructive tips you posted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, the people who are attacking you are RIDICULOUS. Please know that. You need to post this on a SAHM group. Go onto babycenter and find one of the SAHM boards (which I also follow, as a SAHM).

What you are proposing is fine. It's hard for you to picture because the baby isn't here. But what you're trying to say is that your priority is the baby, not doing housework, and that you are not a "housewife," or a maid, you are a parent. That is the same approach I took when I stayed home. And I needed DH to be on the same page so that we had the same expectations. He wanted me to spend my afternoon tickling my baby's toes, not making dinner. We lowered our expectations, and when he was home, we did housework 50/50 (sometimes it was 70/30 with his doing MORE because he recognizes how physically demanding my job is).

As baby got older I took on more of those responsibilities because I wanted to, and because it was enjoyable, and because it is easy to do so with a baby ONCE THEY ARE OLDER, but you will kill yourself if you try to do all that when they are an infant.

Please post this on a group for SAHMs. You will get a much better response.

Are you under the impression no one raising questions about OP's proposed arrangement here is a SAHM? That's not the case.

Also, the bolded above? That's seems pretty reasonable - but it's not what OP is suggesting, by a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Sure. I am a SAHM. We have a 2x weekly cleaning service. When my kids were little, we also had a babysitter 15-20 hours a week. We don't need that anymore now that they are school aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the question to us. Discuss it with your husband. Report back to us. This is not a group decision.

I did and he agrees 100% but I am not sure if either of us know what is involved. My job will be the care and teaching of our child. We can afford to outsource a bit more if needed.

You sound insufferable. Parenting is a full time job. You will figure it out. For your child's sake I am glad that you have money to outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it is so weird to hear moms (and it is always moms, never dads) in their monologues with their babies. Give them a break! Not every trip to Whole Foods need to be an educational thing. Your kid will be ok if he doesn't learn that kale is high in Vitamin D until he is 2.

Dad here. I talked to my kids when they were infants all the time, and sang often (sadly off key and in public, but I'm just that kind of dorky dad).

Our older ds reads 4 grades above, gets all As, and is in AAP. I would like to think I did my part there (though more likely it's her moms genes since she is whip smart).