Girlfriend laid off five weeks ago - I'm getting concerned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you just marry her and let her stay home? Who wants a colleague or subordinate so disorganized? She is likely missing the deadlines at work all the time. It would be nice to let her stay home or do something creative working for herself where no deadlines are involved.

So being disorganized makes one a charity case? Sign me up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

She has been unemployed for about 10 weeks now. Has had a total of two interviews. I no longer email her job links. She seems to be applying for enough jobs to be able to report to unemployment and that's it.

We are not moving in together. I am mostly not even asking about her job search at all - to be honest I don't want to know. Not sure what the future holds.

Pretty sure OP you don't make SAHM money right? Is that in the cards or probabky you need a WOHM partner or live in Manassas wit a long commute?

I own a home but don't want a partner who is not willing to work. She already has a child (school-age) and we are not planning to have more.

[Anonymous]

I guess I still think you are being a little bit harsh. It takes a long time to find a job. Took me a year and I was employed.

Also - you just sound inflexible about life in general. Curve balls get thrown all the time and you have to adjust. I just don't get the "we will work through this and figure it out together" partnership from you.

What if one of you gets really sick, a loved one gets really sick or someone gets severely injured. What then? Are you going to support each other?

I would need encouragement from my spouse. I would be devastated if I lost my job.

Maybe she needs training or a career shift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

She has been unemployed for about 10 weeks now. Has had a total of two interviews. I no longer email her job links. She seems to be applying for enough jobs to be able to report to unemployment and that's it.

We are not moving in together. I am mostly not even asking about her job search at all - to be honest I don't want to know. Not sure what the future holds.

Honestly, it sounds like there is more here than just the unemployment issue. You've already said that you feel like you parent her. Until now, that's probably covered things like "Hurry up, we're going to be late" and "Did you remember to pay your electric bill?" This is your first experience with her where something bigger is at stake. I think you're lucky to be able to go through all this now and not after wedding. This will test if you are really compatible for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Just break up with her. You son't seem to think much of her. She is not right for you and you are not right for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your replies.

To clarify, it has not been five interviews in five weeks. She has been called by HR three times (screening calls), then called in for one in-person interview. I know that is not terrible, but she hasn't had any calls at all in the past two weeks.

This Isco eyelet normal. Actually, she's doing great. When was the last time you looked for work? It's a slog. Getting more than a screening call is unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just break up with her. You son't seem to think much of her. She is not right for you and you are not right for her

You guys are not a good fit.

Frankly I was fired from Biglaw and acted like your GF. It was my furst big failure and I was so ashamed and depressed. I holed up, was in denial about the situation, avoided reality with mindless TV watching or Minecraft, stopped all social contact. About a month or two I filed for unemployment to pay bills but did the minimum. Under the excuse that I was reconsidering whether a legal career was right for me, I spiraled down the hole of trying to find the best career for me, through books and online sources. I was too ashamed to go talk to real people. Eventually I really had to earn more, so I got into temp work. I actually worked long hours but kept on delaying the search for a real job.

3 years in, I met my DH. He was supportive about me finding a new career or new job, he told me to get out of temp work. He does not have procrastination or depression issues. He is a man of action and my procrastination (which I'm told is a defense mechanism) bugs him to no end. I improved but in high stress times, my head in the sand tendencies pops out again.

Basically your GF deals with high stress this way. You tackle it rationally and promptly. She will be like this in a lot of major stressor situations. It will annoy you to no end. It's not a good fit for you.

Get out. It's a red flag.

[Anonymous]

So...GF was laid off five weeks ago.

She has had some interviews but does not seem to be showing the effort that OP wants to see. OP and PPs assume all kinds of negative things about her - she wants to be a kept woman, she is unmotivated, etc.

OP, you should leave her now. Not because of how she is but because of how YOU are. Sending her job links is BS. And the fact that you are bragging about it like you are doing something significant is the red flag for me. Because the message it sends to her is that you are unhappy with HER job situation - it is a passive aggressive gesture.

Being laid off is depressing and humiliating - especially to someone who is self sufficient. She IS trying - she has obviously applied to some positions that SHE is interested in. Once someone is laid off, they start to question their career path - it is a big soul searching time. Unless they are in dire financial straits, they are not going to apply to EVERY job that they are remotely qualified for. You sending links adds pressure to the mix and, TBH, just as you are questioning marriage to her, she is probably doing the same regarding you. If your solution to her crisis is to bombard her with things that YOU think she should do, I am sure that he is rethinking things too. You want to be helpful? Ask her what she needs you to do to help her and just be their as a strong shoulder if she needs it. But do not step in an try to take over because she is not moving fast enough for you. It is her life and her career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So...GF was laid off five weeks ago.

She has had some interviews but does not seem to be showing the effort that OP wants to see. OP and PPs assume all kinds of negative things about her - she wants to be a kept woman, she is unmotivated, etc.

OP, you should leave her now. Not because of how she is but because of how YOU are. Sending her job links is BS. And the fact that you are bragging about it like you are doing something significant is the red flag for me. Because the message it sends to her is that you are unhappy with HER job situation - it is a passive aggressive gesture.

Being laid off is depressing and humiliating - especially to someone who is self sufficient. She IS trying - she has obviously applied to some positions that SHE is interested in. Once someone is laid off, they start to question their career path - it is a big soul searching time. Unless they are in dire financial straits, they are not going to apply to EVERY job that they are remotely qualified for. You sending links adds pressure to the mix and, TBH, just as you are questioning marriage to her, she is probably doing the same regarding you. If your solution to her crisis is to bombard her with things that YOU think she should do, I am sure that he is rethinking things too. You want to be helpful? Ask her what she needs you to do to help her and just be their as a strong shoulder if she needs it. But do not step in an try to take over because she is not moving fast enough for you. It is her life and her career.

You missed OPs update - it has been ten weeks, and he stopped sending links five weeks ago apparently.

[Anonymous]

Ugh the hypocrisy on DCUM never ceases to amaze me!! If this was a DH that had been laid off and was so lackadaisical about getting another job DCUM would have labeled any or all of the following: lazy, useless, unproductive, selfish, etc and suggested that OP dump him. Instead you're coming up with every excuse as to why she SHOULDN'T pressured into finding another job ASAP. And slamming OP in the process. Unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh the hypocrisy on DCUM never ceases to amaze me!! If this was a DH that had been laid off and was so lackadaisical about getting another job DCUM would have labeled any or all of the following: lazy, useless, unproductive, selfish, etc and suggested that OP dump him. Instead you're coming up with every excuse as to why she SHOULDN'T pressured into finding another job ASAP. And slamming OP in the process. Unreal.

Nope. I am not. I am the PP who responded (late in the process) and my DH was the one laid off. That's the perspective I have - DW of a laid off DH.

Hope that OP and his GF do get some closure.