Girlfriend laid off five weeks ago - I'm getting concerned

[Anonymous]

Hi,

My girlfriend - soon to be wife - was laid off a little over a month ago. I am concerned that she is not taking this seriously. Some examples:

-- She just got around to signing up for unemployment, so has lost a good deal of money in payments because she didn't get around to making the call earlier. (She has been at home alone so there is no reason she couldn't have signed up for it right after the layoff. She seems to be spending a lot of her day on Facebook.)

-- She has only had 3 telephone interviews and one in person interview in this time. She has a large network but has only told a few people she is looking - I think she is embarassed?

-- I search for jobs for her daily and send her links, but I have no idea whether she is actually applying for them - she seems secretive about it.

-- I have suggested temp agencies and other short term jobs but she nixed them, saying that whatever she makes would be deducted from the unemployment payment so there is no sense doing that.

Any suggestions for lighting a fire here?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

[Anonymous]

This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

If you don't live with her how do you know she is spending much of her day on Facebook? How do you know how much effort she is putting in?

When it reaches a crisis level and she comes to you, then it will be the time to have a (CALM) discussion about this.

I was like your girlfriend at one point, and criticism or sending me links to jobs did not motivate me. It made me feel like my husband thought I was a loser who could not figure things out. Plus I was depressed. But guess what! I eventually found a good job, on my own, without anyone's help. It was not as fast as anyone would have liked. But losing a job has a grief process like anything else and you have to let her figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

If you fall into a "parenting" role with your wife, remember that you will be 50% of that dynamic. It won't be because she is acting like a "child," it will be because she is acting like a child and you are acting like a parent. Nip that right now. Everyone knows couples with that dynamic and it's never just one person's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

If you don't live with her how do you know she is spending much of her day on Facebook? How do you know how much effort she is putting in?

When it reaches a crisis level and she comes to you, then it will be the time to have a (CALM) discussion about this.

I was like your girlfriend at one point, and criticism or sending me links to jobs did not motivate me. It made me feel like my husband thought I was a loser who could not figure things out. Plus I was depressed. But guess what! I eventually found a good job, on my own, without anyone's help. It was not as fast as anyone would have liked. But losing a job has a grief process like anything else and you have to let her figure things out.

Hi, I can see her on FB all day since I have the internet at work.

As I said before, I am not criticizing her in the least. I have said nothing and done nothing except send her links and try to cheer her up and tell her everything will be ok. But she has very little savings and if she doesn't take some sort of action soon, she won't be ok. I guess I just need to be quiet and wait for the crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

Well, if it's ADHD, the good news is that medication works really well. However, keep in mind that the patient has to accept the fact he or she has the disorder, and agree to consult a psychiatrist for it. It took my husband 10 years. Also, morning disorganization never stops, since meds are taken then and kick in after 30 minutes. Anyway... keep in mind you also have to be prepared to love her and live with her without meds

[Anonymous]

It's not your problem to fix, OP.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she hopes to be a housewife upon marrying and thinks secretly this was just good timing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

I don't know if I would worry about that yet.

Losing a job can be really demoralizing. Having 4 interviews in 5 weeks actually seems like a pretty good result. I get that you're concerned about her paying the bills, but I would also point out that getting a job can take a while and it doesn't mean that you're going to have to be her parent. Maybe try just trusting her and letting her work her process before assuming the worst?

[Anonymous]

I'm a headhunter for high level executive search OP. Anytime someone I know is out of a job, Iwrite their resumes and voer letters for them. I even set up an email account for theim to use just for job hunting.

Just ask your GF what help she needs OP. Maybe you could get her Unemployment Comp for her online (some states are making it easy now). You could go with her to the office.

I have found in life that when people are hurting they need actual handholding to get them moving. Be nice and help her. You sound nice actually. Good luck

[Anonymous]

1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for your replies.

To clarify, it has not been five interviews in five weeks. She has been called by HR three times (screening calls), then called in for one in-person interview. I know that is not terrible, but she hasn't had any calls at all in the past two weeks.