Girlfriend laid off five weeks ago - I'm getting concerned

[Anonymous]

This relationship is a giant red flag. You're almost ready to move in with her but haven't talked once in five weeks about her strategy for getting a job? This is bizarre.

from your description, your gf sounds like a fun, sweet woman who you don't know all that well. If you marry her, I will hazard a guess that she'll bounce around between low paying low reward jobs for a couple years, push kids right away, justify leaving her career asap since her salary is so low, and then she'll be a mediocre stay at home mom who spends just enough of your money to make you resent her, and you'll end up having to run much of the household lest it fall into an unacceptable level of mess. After a few kids, she's tired and you're busy at work, and resentful, and you guys won't have much to talk about and divorce will soon be on the horizon. I'm calling it now!

[Anonymous]

I didn't know op's gf has an extensive network that would plug her into roles.

If this is really true, then op has a right to be peeved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off!! Seriously, stop asking about it, sending links etc. I was unemployed for a long time and my boyfriend would drive me crazy asking about it constantly. Getting laid off is demoralizing, let her process it and decompress and figure out what she wants to do next. She know how to find job, obviously, since she has had several interviews. I eventually found a job and married the boyfriend and it's a distant memoery now, but seriously calm down!

agree. I'd find that really pushy. Show her you value and respect her, and trust her. Don't treat her like a child. If you are constantly nagging about this, it will make her feel more depressed and resistant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

That is her problem. You can't save somebody who does not want save herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship is a giant red flag. You're almost ready to move in with her but haven't talked once in five weeks about her strategy for getting a job? This is bizarre.

from your description, your gf sounds like a fun, sweet woman who you don't know all that well. If you marry her, I will hazard a guess that she'll bounce around between low paying low reward jobs for a couple years, push kids right away, justify leaving her career asap since her salary is so low, and then she'll be a mediocre stay at home mom who spends just enough of your money to make you resent her, and you'll end up having to run much of the household lest it fall into an unacceptable level of mess. After a few kids, she's tired and you're busy at work, and resentful, and you guys won't have much to talk about and divorce will soon be on the horizon. I'm calling it now!

Wow, I thought I was cynical. You are down right mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This relationship is a giant red flag. You're almost ready to move in with her but haven't talked once in five weeks about her strategy for getting a job? This is bizarre.

from your description, your gf sounds like a fun, sweet woman who you don't know all that well. If you marry her, I will hazard a guess that she'll bounce around between low paying low reward jobs for a couple years, push kids right away, justify leaving her career asap since her salary is so low, and then she'll be a mediocre stay at home mom who spends just enough of your money to make you resent her, and you'll end up having to run much of the household lest it fall into an unacceptable level of mess. After a few kids, she's tired and you're busy at work, and resentful, and you guys won't have much to talk about and divorce will soon be on the horizon. I'm calling it now!

Wow, I thought I was cynical. You are down right mean.

But PP premise sounds about right. Their relationship sounds like parent-child -- though this whole thread seems like A sock puppet about a boyfriend who couldn't find a job and the consensus was to dump him so not sure what to think...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


+1 You need to TALK to her. Note that you are naturally more inclined to take care of finances. She will probably agree. Say you would have liked to approach her earlier about unemployment but felt like you were intruding. Agree together that in the future, you will be more involved with her finances even if that means nagging to get things done.

Also let her know that you're concerned about her unemployment. You could couch it in terms of "I feel stressed. I can only imagine how you feel. What can I do to help?"

Maybe also agree on timelines. If she doesn't find something within 3 months of being fired, you'd like to get more involved. Maybe she'll say "OK, why not get involved now?" Or "No, this is my responsibility. Back off."

But you won't know until you TALK!

OP here. Thanks so much for this - I am inclined to use these exact phrases.

I have been reluctant to talk to her about any of this because 1) she is an adult and I don't want her to think I can't do this on her own, and 2) she is prone to depression so I am trying not to talk about it much at all. I am trying to take her mind off of it by taking her out to dinner, going to the movies, talking, all the things we normally enjoy. Even though we have talked about every topic under the sun, it is hard for me to bring up a lot of these things as I don't want her to further descend into a funk.

It's okay to say all of this, too! "I didn't want to bring this up because I didn't want you to think I didn't trust you, and I didn't want to make things worse. But I love you, and I want to help you." And then if she says "Back off" like the cranky posters in this thread, then do so! But it was at her request (or demand).

I don't want to sound like the other overdramatic doomsayers, but this really is a good test for your future marriage. Not in how you handle finance or how she procrastinates, but in how you COMMUNICATE through a tough time. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, can you just marry her and let her stay home? Who wants a colleague or subordinate so disorganized? She is likely missing the deadlines at work all the time. It would be nice to let her stay home or do something creative working for herself where no deadlines are involved.

[Anonymous]

Getting married without having lived together?

Are you nuts?

Exit, stage left.

Oh, and the job situation - will probably work itself out but who knows. Meanwhite, get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP I seem to be the only person who is sympathetic to you on this. Although I agree with other posters that your girlfriends reaction to losing her job sounds like it's in the range of normal responses, it doesn't mean that it isn't a red flag. If you're the type of person who is type a and struggles to deal with people with lower initiative, I'd want to know that your girlfriend is a potential bad fit for you - before you marry her. And you guys don't live together. And apparently aren't so close that you're talking about this process. This to me is a big red flag that either you don't know your gf all that well, or that she's A bad fit for you. If I'm another month, your girlfriend doesn't seem to have made much progress, OR isn't opening up to you about the process or her plans, then I would rethink marrying her. In a serious relationship where you're contemplating spending your life together, I think you're entitled to know what your so's plan is for getting a job and producing income.

+1,0000. I was changing jobs last year and I talked to my husband about everything. At length. The act of getting married does not magically give you a partnership with your spouse. If your gf is hurting and not talking to you about it, that's a very bad sign.

[Anonymous]

Finding a job takes time. Give it at least 6 months- jeez.

Also, her not applying for unemployment yet does not affect the total amount of money that she will be able to receive. She'll just receive it later.

She will qualify for a certain total sum of money. If she earns some money from part time work, the weekly amount (for that week) will be reduced, but it won't affect the total amount she receives-- it'll be the same amount of money, just stretched over a longer period of time. I hope that makes sense. Been there, done that.

I know you're well-meaning, but stop it with the emailing her links to jobs. That's not being supportive, that's ... it's like you're not trusting her to be doing all that she can. If she asks you for help, fine, but please treat her like a competent adult.

[Anonymous]

If she received any kind of severance, she cannot apply for UI until after the time period. I recieved six weeks of payment so had to wait six weeks. Being laid off was the most depressing/scary time of my life and thank god my now husband was supportive but not overbearing. He'd ask how it was going but most importantly he'd bring me my favorite bottle of wine, rent movies, suggest free things to do and read over my cover letters.

Based on the spreadsheet I had to keep for UI, I applied for over 100 jobs during three months, had four places ask for interview before landing my job. She's ahead of the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship is a giant red flag. You're almost ready to move in with her but haven't talked once in five weeks about her strategy for getting a job? This is bizarre.

from your description, your gf sounds like a fun, sweet woman who you don't know all that well. If you marry her, I will hazard a guess that she'll bounce around between low paying low reward jobs for a couple years, push kids right away, justify leaving her career asap since her salary is so low, and then she'll be a mediocre stay at home mom who spends just enough of your money to make you resent her, and you'll end up having to run much of the household lest it fall into an unacceptable level of mess. After a few kids, she's tired and you're busy at work, and resentful, and you guys won't have much to talk about and divorce will soon be on the horizon. I'm calling it now!

I'm the ADD poster above and OP, I hate to say it, but this poster is spot on. My husband does well financially, so thankfully I have help with keeping organized (I don't have a nanny or housekeeper or anything like that, but I do work with an organizational expert that helps me keep myself, our lives, my kids lives/schedules, our home lives (scheduling chores, housework for myself, meals, etc). It helps me a great deal & my husband doesn't have any of that built up resentment, because although I'm not working (he wanted me home raising the kids) I'm still pulling my weight as it pertains to our household (although I do need a little guidance/direction in doing so).

If your HHI is high & it can support you both (and a family & mortgage one day) then great, this may not be your future.
I don't have to worry about the stress of making ends meet every month which is stressful enough, however if we did have that financial strain & stress, along with me being the unorganized/unmotivated/procrastinating mess that I can be due to my ADD, it would definitely cause a LOT more stress & SO much resentment in our relationship.

If I didn't have someone to help keep me on track & make me accountable (make & keep me accountable to myself, my husband has never given me grief about anything, ever) I'd be that EXACT mess the PP described above & so would my household... it would be one big chaotic mess & nobody likes to live in chaos.

I can admit my strengths & weaknesses and where I need help, however if she can't even see it in herself, you have a MUCH bigger problem.
Admission is ALWAYS the first step.

This will be your future of things don't change with her & it's scary how spot on the PP is with the timeline.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update.

She has been unemployed for about 10 weeks now. Has had a total of two interviews. I no longer email her job links. She seems to be applying for enough jobs to be able to report to unemployment and that's it.

We are not moving in together. I am mostly not even asking about her job search at all - to be honest I don't want to know. Not sure what the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

She has been unemployed for about 10 weeks now. Has had a total of two interviews. I no longer email her job links. She seems to be applying for enough jobs to be able to report to unemployment and that's it.

We are not moving in together. I am mostly not even asking about her job search at all - to be honest I don't want to know. Not sure what the future holds.

Pretty sure OP you don't make SAHM money right? Is that in the cards or probabky you need a WOHM partner or live in Manassas wit a long commute?