Girlfriend laid off five weeks ago - I'm getting concerned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

How does one survive with no income for 6 months with very little savings? Honestly, I would be very worried if it happened to me...and I'm sure she is very worried. Is she looking for jobs in her field or looking for anything that will pay the bills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

How does one survive with no income for 6 months with very little savings? Honestly, I would be very worried if it happened to me...and I'm sure she is very worried. Is she looking for jobs in her field or looking for anything that will pay the bills?

OP here. I am sending her links to jobs within her field. I am not sure if she is doing any searching beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your replies.

To clarify, it has not been five interviews in five weeks. She has been called by HR three times (screening calls), then called in for one in-person interview. I know that is not terrible, but she hasn't had any calls at all in the past two weeks.

OP, that means that she has applied for at least 3 jobs since getting laid off and been called for a preliminary interview by at least 3 jobs in that same time period. I was looking for a new job last week and sent out several dozen applications and heard back from ONE place.

I think you should talk to her and ask her what you can do to be supportive of her job search. Then listen to what she asks of you. If she wants you to butt out, then butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

How does one survive with no income for 6 months with very little savings? Honestly, I would be very worried if it happened to me...and I'm sure she is very worried. Is she looking for jobs in her field or looking for anything that will pay the bills?

OP here. I am sending her links to jobs within her field. I am not sure if she is doing any searching beyond that.

Have you actually asked her, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

How does one survive with no income for 6 months with very little savings? Honestly, I would be very worried if it happened to me...and I'm sure she is very worried. Is she looking for jobs in her field or looking for anything that will pay the bills?

OP here. I am sending her links to jobs within her field. I am not sure if she is doing any searching beyond that.

Have you actually asked her, OP?

No, I have not. I am trying to leave her alone and trust that she is applying to things that interest her. Again, trying not to parent here.

For example, sent her a list of jobs with her title, in her field, yesterday - but she has been doing other things all day today so I know she hasn't applied.

[Anonymous]

Losing a job is incredibly humiliating and often leads to depression. Your "links" and suggestions aren't helping. If this is a deal breaker you need to level with her - NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I think it can be a bit depressing to lose a job. It's like being majorly rejected. It takes some time to process, so getting on her about procrastinating about signing up for unemployment is not cool.

2. She has already had a number of interviews already, so what are you sweating about? If she is out there actively trying to find work and getting interviews, then just keep encouraging her because frankly that can be very draining as well.

3. Start worrying if she stops actively looking or if she hasn't found a new job after 6 months. Otherwise just support her and let her be.

How does one survive with no income for 6 months with very little savings? Honestly, I would be very worried if it happened to me...and I'm sure she is very worried. Is she looking for jobs in her field or looking for anything that will pay the bills?

OP here. I am sending her links to jobs within her field. I am not sure if she is doing any searching beyond that.

Have you actually asked her, OP?

No, I have not. I am trying to leave her alone and trust that she is applying to things that interest her. Again, trying not to parent here.

For example, sent her a list of jobs with her title, in her field, yesterday - but she has been doing other things all day today so I know she hasn't applied.

So instead of asking her what kind of support she needs from you in her job search, you have sent her a list of jobs that you think she should apply for and are criticizing her lack of action on a message board. Do you not have a job you should be paying attention to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a job is incredibly humiliating and often leads to depression. Your "links" and suggestions aren't helping. If this is a deal breaker you need to level with her - NOW.

Being evicted is more depressing, I'm betting.

[Anonymous]

There is no winning situation here:

If you ask her how you can best support her, you are pressuring her! She needs six months to chill out!

If you don't confront her she will never get a job.

[Anonymous]

Leave her alone and do not offer help in less asked. You are annoying. She sounds like she is doing fine. Its hard to get a job overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

My girlfriend - soon to be wife - was laid off a little over a month ago. I am concerned that she is not taking this seriously. Some examples:

-- She just got around to signing up for unemployment, so has lost a good deal of money in payments because she didn't get around to making the call earlier. (She has been at home alone so there is no reason she couldn't have signed up for it right after the layoff. She seems to be spending a lot of her day on Facebook.)

-- She has only had 3 telephone interviews and one in person interview in this time. She has a large network but has only told a few people she is looking - I think she is embarassed?

-- I search for jobs for her daily and send her links, but I have no idea whether she is actually applying for them - she seems secretive about it.

-- I have suggested temp agencies and other short term jobs but she nixed them, saying that whatever she makes would be deducted from the unemployment payment so there is no sense doing that.

Any suggestions for lighting a fire here?

Thanks!

My ex boyfriend was the same way you seem to be when I was laid off; he meant well but was not at all helpful. If she's had phone interviews she's applying and at least getting some interest. Sending links of job openings is not really doing anything useful. It's the easiest part of a job search- I'm sure she can find the same job postings you're sending her in minutes, the actual effort is in customizing your resume and applying , seeing if you have anyone in your network at that company etc.... If you know and understand her industry you could offer to write her cover letter and customize her resume each time you send her a link. That probably sounds like a ton of work- because it is. Maybe she's doing that and if so then she's doing a lot to have had the interviews she has already had. Do that if she is open to it, tell her to let you know if you can help, and then shut up about it. She doesn't seem to be asking you for money so at this point it isn't your business.

I didn't look for a new job seriously for a month and it took 4 months before I got a job I wanted and accepted. It was financially rough but I was fine. And no one helped, it just is a process.

Being a fun distraction sometimes is the best thing for you to do, she needs to have a mental break from job hunting all the time. Take her on a low key date and don't talk about working. Work will come, she should enjoy the time off while she has it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

If you don't live with her how do you know she is spending much of her day on Facebook? How do you know how much effort she is putting in?

When it reaches a crisis level and she comes to you, then it will be the time to have a (CALM) discussion about this.

I was like your girlfriend at one point, and criticism or sending me links to jobs did not motivate me. It made me feel like my husband thought I was a loser who could not figure things out. Plus I was depressed. But guess what! I eventually found a good job, on my own, without anyone's help. It was not as fast as anyone would have liked. But losing a job has a grief process like anything else and you have to let her figure things out.

Hi, I can see her on FB all day since I have the internet at work.

As I said before, I am not criticizing her in the least. I have said nothing and done nothing except send her links and try to cheer her up and tell her everything will be ok. But she has very little savings and if she doesn't take some sort of action soon, she won't be ok. I guess I just need to be quiet and wait for the crisis?

Don't you have actual work to do other than monitoring her Facebook usage at work? It sounds like there are bigger issues here with you being controlling.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP I seem to be the only person who is sympathetic to you on this. Although I agree with other posters that your girlfriends reaction to losing her job sounds like it's in the range of normal responses, it doesn't mean that it isn't a red flag. If you're the type of person who is type a and struggles to deal with people with lower initiative, I'd want to know that your girlfriend is a potential bad fit for you - before you marry her. And you guys don't live together. And apparently aren't so close that you're talking about this process. This to me is a big red flag that either you don't know your gf all that well, or that she's A bad fit for you. If I'm another month, your girlfriend doesn't seem to have made much progress, OR isn't opening up to you about the process or her plans, then I would rethink marrying her. In a serious relationship where you're contemplating spending your life together, I think you're entitled to know what your so's plan is for getting a job and producing income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is embarrassed and depressed about it and you "helping" her and pressuring her is going to have the opposite effect of making her feel stressed and miserable and resistant to your suggestions. Try leaving her completely alone to process her feelings for a month, and then see where she is.

I haven't really been pressuring her except sending her links.

We don't live together so shortly she won't be able to pay her bills. That would be a crisis, no?

If you don't live with her how do you know she is spending much of her day on Facebook? How do you know how much effort she is putting in?

When it reaches a crisis level and she comes to you, then it will be the time to have a (CALM) discussion about this.

I was like your girlfriend at one point, and criticism or sending me links to jobs did not motivate me. It made me feel like my husband thought I was a loser who could not figure things out. Plus I was depressed. But guess what! I eventually found a good job, on my own, without anyone's help. It was not as fast as anyone would have liked. But losing a job has a grief process like anything else and you have to let her figure things out.

Hi, I can see her on FB all day since I have the internet at work.

As I said before, I am not criticizing her in the least. I have said nothing and done nothing except send her links and try to cheer her up and tell her everything will be ok. But she has very little savings and if she doesn't take some sort of action soon, she won't be ok. I guess I just need to be quiet and wait for the crisis?

Don't you have actual work to do other than monitoring her Facebook usage at work? It sounds like there are bigger issues here with you being controlling.

She's always on FB, always has it up so messenger is the quickest way to reach her.

[Anonymous]

Op, that call back rate is really good.

Not sure what you think the frequency should be. I've been on two interviews in two years.

I job search on indeed everyday - I have a grad degree from a t25 school in applied math.