How to find a guy who will let me be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you asked a serious question so I will give a serious answer. I don't know why people had to criticize you as I think a fair number of women would prefer this once they have kids since children is so expensive and hard to find in this area.

So, here are some tips:

1. Make sure to keep yourself looking great...that means working out every day and going to bed hungry
2. Learn home arts such as great cooking, sewing, and washing
3. Subscribe to Sports Illustrated and learn as much as you can about the names of basketball, football, and baseball teams. Add in hockey and soccer if you have time
4. Get a job as a paralegal. I know tons of rich partners who have left their starter wives for a much younger, baby making mommy.
5. Learn to laugh at everything he says
6. Join a gym where there are more guys than girls
7. Read, read, read...get a broad range of magazines from HBR to People, Entertainment, Esquire, Wash Post, NYT, Wall Street Journal
8. Repeat until this strategy works
9. Tell all of your friends about your plan...they may know someone
10. Two of my SILs do this...one always criticizes my brother he doesn't make enough money...never do this!
11. Good luck! Your man is out there. I knew a guy from Harvard Law School who wouldn't date anyone if they wanted to WOHM

That list is ridiculous. Her eis how it worked for me:

1. Had two kids in quick succession.
2. Started off working and putting them in daycare.
3. Cried everyday because I did not see them enough.
4. They were terrible sleepers going into year two. My husband and I were totally spent all the time. Zombies / low performers at work.
5. Daycare costs for two were killing us.
6. Realized we were totally overwhelmed.
7. I quit my job.
8. We moved to a cheaper neighborhood.


And in reality, now that I have done both, it isn't easier or better for the kids, just different. I totally get why people work, and totally get why people stay home. You (nor your future husband) can't go into parenthood with preconceived plans, you make choices as you go and just have to land on a balance that works.

Couples can go into marriage with and successfully execute preconceived notions of how things will be. Generally, I find these couples to be incredibly sincere people that have a strong compass on who they are and what they want to be. Some are honest enough to know they never want kids, others know they want to have kids with a SAHM from day 1. Obviously, life can and does occasionally force choices for people. But I can think of at least three couples ranging from the non-traditional (never want kids) to super-traditional (she wanted to SAHM from day 1 and he's made big law partner). The only common themes I see is that they all met and married relatively young for educated people and they also understood that they were not going to "have it all". Not suggesting that that guarantees any desired outcome, only that it is possible to know what you want and go out and execute on it.

[Anonymous]

Stick to your guns OP. Way too many young men expect a wife who will do all the traditional stuff and work full time as well. That's TWO jobs, though many can't see it until children arrive. Consider his parents. If they had traditional roles it will make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick to your guns OP. Way too many young men expect a wife who will do all the traditional stuff and work full time as well. That's TWO jobs, though many can't see it until children arrive. Consider his parents. If they had traditional roles it will make a huge difference.

This is the key!! A man that values a traditional role will value it as highly as you obviously do OP. Starting off a relationship with the same vantage point in roles makes all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Look for a man who works in finance. Lots of high earners in that field with SAH wives.

[Anonymous]

I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I married an MIT engineer who suffered from clinical depression/OCD. I became the breadwinner since he couldn't hold down a job/did consulting work (mostly worked at night). I ended up with a fabulous career and divorced at 30. I moved down to DC, still have a great career, met someone who is my equal in every way, and we have two kids. I surprised myself: I don't want to stay at home. Mainly because while it was nice to be home for awhile, I saw that developmentally, kids need a lot of exposure to peers. I also can't teach full out montessori in my home--I could but it would be expensive. I am putting my toddlers in an excellent montessori school.

The point I am trying to make is: it is a crapshoot and what you think you want you might not actually want. Stop trying to make something happen like marriage and kids and enjoy your life: travel, enjoy your career, take a class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join a fundamentalist church.

If you are under 25, this is great advice!

[Anonymous]

Just work on your oral sex skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for a man who works in finance. Lots of high earners in that field with SAH wives.

Yeah but they are all aggressive asshats and will leave you for a younger model, I mean their job is trading, so they will trade up.

Just marry someone you love and don't worry about the balance sheet they bring to the relationship, you can always work it out. Even if he makes some GS-22 salary,move to cheaper nabe and have him come commute. Or you get a PT job and work weekends. There are lots of ways to figure out the child rearing years, but figuring out love and that true connection to get you through ups and downs, that's the important part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Careful, I'm sure that's what Melania was going for and now look.

+1

If you marry for money, you will earn every penny.

[Anonymous]

My friend did this. She was in her 30s going nowhere as a college drop out waitress. She met a doctor and pretty much gave BJs daily and did all kinds of crazy sex until he put her on a monthly allowance and then married her. They have no kids and she stays home doing nothing all day. Husband says she gives the best BJ he's ever had. He's also mean to her, calls her out for having no job and no education and she's completely controlled by him. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Read this current post in Family, OP:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/621774.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is Indian and was more than ok with me being a SAHM. Perhaps find someone from a traditional background if you're into foreign men.

Not always. My ex is Indian and he was not okay with me staying at home. Talk to him first. What did his mom or other women in his family do? This will give you clues as to what his expectations will be. In my ex's, case the women in his family were all very successful business women. His mother made her first million on her own (she came from a poor background).

[Anonymous]

I agree it's more about values and/or religion than money.

I have been at home since my oldest was born 8 years ago. My younger child goes to full time school this coming fall and my husband is starting to make noise about me working, despite the fact that he makes $250k, we save agressively and live modestly and have no debt other than our 15-year mortgage. Financially, I do NOT need to work at all. But he just doesn't value it as much as I do. I thought we were on the same page but obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick to your guns OP. Way too many young men expect a wife who will do all the traditional stuff and work full time as well. That's TWO jobs, though many can't see it until children arrive. Consider his parents. If they had traditional roles it will make a huge difference.

Or, find a man who expects to be a true partner with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's more about values and/or religion than money.

I have been at home since my oldest was born 8 years ago. My younger child goes to full time school this coming fall and my husband is starting to make noise about me working, despite the fact that he makes $250k, we save agressively and live modestly and have no debt other than our 15-year mortgage. Financially, I do NOT need to work at all. But he just doesn't value it as much as I do. I thought we were on the same page but obviously not.

Perhaps your husband is tired of having to save aggressively and live modestly?