How to find a guy who will let me be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

These guys usually marry their college sweethearts or the first girl they date post college.

By the time you're 35 these guys are not in the dating pool. All the ineligible losers are.

Exactly.

My husband is what I'd call "husband material"

He has had long term serious girlfriends since high school.

He met me right after he graduated grad school and we got married 2 years later. He is the best husband and partner I could ask for. I am so thankful!! His friends who are still single are very ineligible. They either have personality issues or make little money.

[Anonymous]

As a stay at home mother in a circle of stay at home mothers, I find your post immature and bordering on stupid.

You have to find the right mate for you, and discuss finances, parenting and religion with your potential husband. My husband and my friends' husbands are all in different fields, making different incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

Op never gave her age. Stop trying to shame older women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

Op never gave her age. Stop trying to shame older women.

So, first, I'm full of shit. Then I show you how silly your line of thinking is, and now I'm "shaming older women" because it doesn't fit your narrative. Got it.

The truth hurts!

[Anonymous]

I feel like you might be counting chickens before they hatch so to speak. I met my DH when I was 28 and he was 39. I wanted to be a stay at home mom more than anything. It took us 9 years to have children. We had infertility problems and it was soul crushing. I decided to go back to school in there somewhere for something I wanted to do so I wouldn't drive myself insane. I am a stay at home mom for now but I won't be forever. Obviously I am younger than my DH and will prob need to work longer than him so we at least have health care benefits.
You don't know what could happen. Your loved one could end up not being able to work or could pass away. Find a person that you can weather the storms with and you will be happy.

[Anonymous]

Op you asked a serious question so I will give a serious answer. I don't know why people had to criticize you as I think a fair number of women would prefer this once they have kids since children is so expensive and hard to find in this area.

So, here are some tips:

1. Make sure to keep yourself looking great...that means working out every day and going to bed hungry
2. Learn home arts such as great cooking, sewing, and washing
3. Subscribe to Sports Illustrated and learn as much as you can about the names of basketball, football, and baseball teams. Add in hockey and soccer if you have time
4. Get a job as a paralegal. I know tons of rich partners who have left their starter wives for a much younger, baby making mommy.
5. Learn to laugh at everything he says
6. Join a gym where there are more guys than girls
7. Read, read, read...get a broad range of magazines from HBR to People, Entertainment, Esquire, Wash Post, NYT, Wall Street Journal
8. Repeat until this strategy works
9. Tell all of your friends about your plan...they may know someone
10. Two of my SILs do this...one always criticizes my brother he doesn't make enough money...never do this!
11. Good luck! Your man is out there. I knew a guy from Harvard Law School who wouldn't date anyone if they wanted to WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you asked a serious question so I will give a serious answer. I don't know why people had to criticize you as I think a fair number of women would prefer this once they have kids since children is so expensive and hard to find in this area.

So, here are some tips:

1. Make sure to keep yourself looking great...that means working out every day and going to bed hungry
2. Learn home arts such as great cooking, sewing, and washing
3. Subscribe to Sports Illustrated and learn as much as you can about the names of basketball, football, and baseball teams. Add in hockey and soccer if you have time
4. Get a job as a paralegal. I know tons of rich partners who have left their starter wives for a much younger, baby making mommy.
5. Learn to laugh at everything he says
6. Join a gym where there are more guys than girls
7. Read, read, read...get a broad range of magazines from HBR to People, Entertainment, Esquire, Wash Post, NYT, Wall Street Journal
8. Repeat until this strategy works
9. Tell all of your friends about your plan...they may know someone
10. Two of my SILs do this...one always criticizes my brother he doesn't make enough money...never do this!
11. Good luck! Your man is out there. I knew a guy from Harvard Law School who wouldn't date anyone if they wanted to WOHM

You can delete the remainder of this list.

[Anonymous]

Many men with SAH wives find this is considered in promotions and pay raises, so the traditional families do best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

Op never gave her age. Stop trying to shame older women.

So, first, I'm full of shit. Then I show you how silly your line of thinking is, and now I'm "shaming older women" because it doesn't fit your narrative. Got it.

The truth hurts!

NP. Seek therapy dude, you're making a fool of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

Op never gave her age. Stop trying to shame older women.

So, first, I'm full of shit. Then I show you how silly your line of thinking is, and now I'm "shaming older women" because it doesn't fit your narrative. Got it.

The truth hurts!

My point still stands true. OP never exposed her age. She sounds young. In my culture many men marry in their 30s. I married a traditional guy in his 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many men with SAH wives find this is considered in promotions and pay raises, so the traditional families do best.

That's a holdover from institutional sexism, and it's changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not want to have to struggle as I am trying to raise my children. It is important to me that I can be home with them and give them everything they need and deserve.

I want to marry a man who can be a good provider and is okay with me putting the children first.

What should be my game plan?

Do engineers make good husbands?

OP, your premise is wrong. I've been a SAHM for 15 years, now. Raising children is a struggle, and you cannot give them everything they need and deserve by being a SAHM, and conversely, not being a SAHM does not mean that you are depriving them of what they need or deserve. I skipped all the replies because I recognize your statement was inflammatory so don't want to get into all that. But here's a SAHM story for you: Last year, my teen DD told me I was the maid. "It would be different," she said, "if you had a real job outside the house. But, your job is US. Therefore you are, in reality, our maid."

Meanwhile, my working friend's kid gives her $hit that she's not around, working all the time.

But these are teens and they are going to push buttons. I'm just saying that you trade one set of problems for another, sometimes you can't win!

Now, going with your question and trying to be helpful, it would be interesting to see where SAHMs met their DHs. I met mine in law school and when we married, I had a pretty high-powered career. The other SAHMs I know are all pretty educated and have former careers. I hesitate to generalize, but I will say that in my circle that the couples met as equals, and two big careers left no time to actively parent, so the DW became a SAHM. In my case, it was natural for me to be the one to stay home because my job involved lots of travel and I didn't want to be flying around when pregnant or leaving the newborn etc.

My friends who stayed FT with their careers all had family help (a mother, a MIL, a sister, an aunt and uncle).

Thinking of the DHs in my circle and my own DH, they met and married someone similar in terms of career, smarts, looks and age (about 2.5 years either way; I seem to know a few DWs who are older by about 2.5 years, including me.)

I do know one or two older DHs and their younger second wives, and these couples feel a bit different to me in that they don't feel similar in terms of educational background etc. I don't want to say more because I don't know them well enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

NP. Dude, you seriously sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

The number one thing to do OP is NOT be apologetic about what you want (providing you are still young and reasonably attractive).

Only date and consider men who are career minded and traditional. If they themselves had a SAHM and that worked out well for their family, that's also a plus to look out for.

PP's are correct in that the "provider" types marry early, so you don't want to waste time feeling guilty about what you want.

Don't waste any time dating men not very, very interested in you.

Don't waste any time dating men who do not fit your requirements.

Ignore the stupid PP's who accuse you of not wanting a real marriage but a sperm donor, etc. - if you start early and stay focused, you have a good chance of meeting a man who fills your basic requirements and who you are also very compatible with and love.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you asked a serious question so I will give a serious answer. I don't know why people had to criticize you as I think a fair number of women would prefer this once they have kids since children is so expensive and hard to find in this area.

So, here are some tips:

1. Make sure to keep yourself looking great...that means working out every day and going to bed hungry
2. Learn home arts such as great cooking, sewing, and washing
3. Subscribe to Sports Illustrated and learn as much as you can about the names of basketball, football, and baseball teams. Add in hockey and soccer if you have time
4. Get a job as a paralegal. I know tons of rich partners who have left their starter wives for a much younger, baby making mommy.
5. Learn to laugh at everything he says
6. Join a gym where there are more guys than girls
7. Read, read, read...get a broad range of magazines from HBR to People, Entertainment, Esquire, Wash Post, NYT, Wall Street Journal
8. Repeat until this strategy works
9. Tell all of your friends about your plan...they may know someone
10. Two of my SILs do this...one always criticizes my brother he doesn't make enough money...never do this!
11. Good luck! Your man is out there. I knew a guy from Harvard Law School who wouldn't date anyone if they wanted to WOHM

That list is ridiculous. Her eis how it worked for me:

1. Had two kids in quick succession.
2. Started off working and putting them in daycare.
3. Cried everyday because I did not see them enough.
4. They were terrible sleepers going into year two. My husband and I were totally spent all the time. Zombies / low performers at work.
5. Daycare costs for two were killing us.
6. Realized we were totally overwhelmed.
7. I quit my job.
8. We moved to a cheaper neighborhood.


And in reality, now that I have done both, it isn't easier or better for the kids, just different. I totally get why people work, and totally get why people stay home. You (nor your future husband) can't go into parenthood with preconceived plans, you make choices as you go and just have to land on a balance that works.