How to find a guy who will let me be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

May sound good in theory. I would not recommend it. I was lulled internet working part time for low pay despite being highly educated. After being married 15 years I know I can't stay with this person and I'm financially stuck and f$cked.

[Anonymous]

Young men must love knowing that a woman would not be dating him but for his paycheck. You have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Join a fundamentalist church.

I think this was a slur but +1. solidly evangelical, conservative, Catholic or Mormon increases the odds dramatically.

Definitely agree. It has less to do with his income/job than his background and religion whether he's going to be okay with a SAHM.

This is spot on. I am Muslim.

[Anonymous]

I have a software engineer husband. I am a SAHM. He is a good husband, nerdy and loyal, though emotionally somewhat out of it. I have talked to another friend of mine with an engineer husband and we joke together sometimes.

But if I had talked about this when we were dating he probably would have been freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young men must love knowing that a woman would not be dating him but for his paycheck. You have my sympathy.

I knew my paycheck certainly didn't hurt when I was dating.
I didn't care one way or the other, but DW wanted to be a SAHM when we had children and I was ok with it. We talked about it before we became engaged. Shouldn't have been surprised she was a super smart book worm that never seemed to find a job she liked. Just don't give up sex once the children come along. Then you have a resentful husband that doesn't feel appreciated when your children are off at school and you sit around all day and then never want sex. Its hard work being a SAHM until the children go to school sort of early retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not want to have to struggle as I am trying to raise my children. It is important to me that I can be home with them and give them everything they need and deserve.

I want to marry a man who can be a good provider and is okay with me putting the children first.

What should be my game plan?

Do engineers make good husbands?

So you want a guy as an ATM and a sperm donor, but he's otherwise not really important, just a vehicle for your precious children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young men must love knowing that a woman would not be dating him but for his paycheck. You have my sympathy.

I knew my paycheck certainly didn't hurt when I was dating.
I didn't care one way or the other, but DW wanted to be a SAHM when we had children and I was ok with it. We talked about it before we became engaged. Shouldn't have been surprised she was a super smart book worm that never seemed to find a job she liked. Just don't give up sex once the children come along. Then you have a resentful husband that doesn't feel appreciated when your children are off at school and you sit around all day and then never want sex. Its hard work being a SAHM until the children go to school sort of early retirement

As a woman, my paycheck certainly didn't hurt while we were dating, either. We also had talked about having a SAHM as both of us grew up with one. I quit when I had my first 10 years ago. My 3 kids are all in elementary school ~ and luckily my husband WAH so he knows that I don't "sit around all day". I mean, somedays, like Monday, when I had two home with strep I actually did sit around all day, barring the pediatricians office. Other days its busy.

It is like early retirement though. This is always something I find interesting, it seems like a race to talk about who is retiring earliest on this board ~ obviously most people are pining for retirement. Why blame a SAHM who could do what you want to do, but 20 years earlier? I'm well rested, well exercised, and I have a well developed infrastructure of friends, which will serve us well when he retires. As to sex, well, don't you think that when sex dies in a marriage it could be for LOTS of other reasons than a SAHM "sitting around all day"? I'm sure lots of WOH families also deal with sex issues because they are both so tired from working/kid pick up/harried dinner etc. I guess we both agree that sex in the marriage is very important, though I'd apply it across the board.

(Yes I know he could leave the kids and I. I have my own financial means which I/we could actually retire on now). We choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To raise good children, you need a good, loving marriage.

Kids don't want a workaholic dad and a helicopter mom who tries to make up for the fact that dad's never home.

STFU! NO YOU DON'T. You just need the mom. Divorced moms raise good kids and they are not in a "good, loving marriage."

Why so butthurt? Surely everyone knows that the ideal is a happily married family? Of course divorced moms and single moms make it work and are great parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Join a fundamentalist church.

I think this was a slur but +1. solidly evangelical, conservative, Catholic or Mormon increases the odds dramatically.

This was my experience. I married one of these (not fundamentalist, just conservative Christian from the Midwest), and was a little surprised that he actually meant it when he said he thought our children would be better off with me home, at least until they went to preschool. I fully expected him to have a change of heart once we started having kids, but that's just his value system. But I ended up going back part-time after both maternity leaves anyway, and he was perfectly fine with it because he understood it was what I wanted to do.

OP, if being a SAHM is really a goal, I think the key is to find someone who views marriage as a complete partnership, and is a little traditional but also willing to compromise in case things don't go as planned. You don't want someone who would REQUIRE you to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

These guys usually marry their college sweethearts or the first girl they date post college.

By the time you're 35 these guys are not in the dating pool. All the ineligible losers are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young men must love knowing that a woman would not be dating him but for his paycheck. You have my sympathy.

I knew my paycheck certainly didn't hurt when I was dating.
I didn't care one way or the other, but DW wanted to be a SAHM when we had children and I was ok with it. We talked about it before we became engaged. Shouldn't have been surprised she was a super smart book worm that never seemed to find a job she liked. Just don't give up sex once the children come along. Then you have a resentful husband that doesn't feel appreciated when your children are off at school and you sit around all day and then never want sex. Its hard work being a SAHM until the children go to school sort of early retirement

As a woman, my paycheck certainly didn't hurt while we were dating, either. We also had talked about having a SAHM as both of us grew up with one. I quit when I had my first 10 years ago. My 3 kids are all in elementary school ~ and luckily my husband WAH so he knows that I don't "sit around all day". I mean, somedays, like Monday, when I had two home with strep I actually did sit around all day, barring the pediatricians office. Other days its busy.

It is like early retirement though. This is always something I find interesting, it seems like a race to talk about who is retiring earliest on this board ~ obviously most people are pining for retirement. Why blame a SAHM who could do what you want to do, but 20 years earlier? I'm well rested, well exercised, and I have a well developed infrastructure of friends, which will serve us well when he retires. As to sex, well, don't you think that when sex dies in a marriage it could be for LOTS of other reasons than a SAHM "sitting around all day"? I'm sure lots of WOH families also deal with sex issues because they are both so tired from working/kid pick up/harried dinner etc. I guess we both agree that sex in the marriage is very important, though I'd apply it across the board.

(Yes I know he could leave the kids and I. I have my own financial means which I/we could actually retire on now). We choose not to.

Why blame a SAHM? It's pure jealousy, you know that. And I'm a WOHM who is happy to WOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most husbandy, traditional guys marry up early. Your would-be husband was dating his now wife while you were living in a group house and dating around. The only reason these kinds of guys have appeal to you now is because you're looking for a cash cow.

This isn't true. Most men marry in their 30s.

You get an A+ for reading comprehension.

I said the ones who would be the most enthusiastic about this kind of setup (that is, more traditional guys) marry up early. They're not available in large numbers and for the taking for women in their 30s, unless the woman is exceptionally high value.

You're so full of shit.

Oh, hit too close to home?

You're right. I'm full of shit. There are tons of ultra-committed, traditional breadwinner type men available for the taking by women who are in their mid 30s. Men who are kind, have it together and are capable of giving the woman they marry tons of options for whatever she might like to do are not at all in the drivers seat while they're dating.

These guys usually marry their college sweethearts or the first girl they date post college.

By the time you're 35 these guys are not in the dating pool. All the ineligible losers are.

Exactly.