MIL and her "alone time" with DH

[Anonymous]

So I just flew to visit my son and his family for a week or so. He took two days off work, while his wife was working, and we worked together to clean the shop, set up shelving, build a shed and a feeder, and do some woodworking. For a day and a half, the other grandparents had the kids as the work we were doing was kind of dangerous to have little kids around.

I had the kids the rest of the time, took them to school, played, took my DIL out shopping with the kids and we had a blast, but I dearly love the time I had with my son. He's grown into an amazing adult and I enjoy his company.

[Anonymous]

Wait you wrote your husband has many hobbies? So, in fact, he chooses to participates in hobbies rather than be home with his family on top of his long work hours? You need to stop being a push over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work? If not, would you consider earning to allow DH some life besides supporting you?

To be fair, it sounds like DH has a life and hobbies he just doesn't include his family as one of them most of the time.

FWIW, all the most work-a-holic people I know are dual working families- probably because the vast majority of people are dual working families or single parents working, don't make this a SAHM issue. THat;s not even close to the issue.

Sorry, to clarify I don't believe most people in dual income households are workaholics or that it in anyway causes those who work constantly. I'm saying that people who put career at the top of their priority list (which is fine, but own it) or choose to ramp up at certain times or to stay in super burn-out fields (FWIW my DH is like this) they do so because of their own drive and what not, not because they have a SAH spouse.

I guess you can go ahead and assume whatever about OP's family situation. Or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I just flew to visit my son and his family for a week or so. He took two days off work, while his wife was working, and we worked together to clean the shop, set up shelving, build a shed and a feeder, and do some woodworking. For a day and a half, the other grandparents had the kids as the work we were doing was kind of dangerous to have little kids around.

I had the kids the rest of the time, took them to school, played, took my DIL out shopping with the kids and we had a blast, but I dearly love the time I had with my son. He's grown into an amazing adult and I enjoy his company.

By DCUM standards, you are clearly dysfunctional!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? She wants four hours alone with her son. That seems perfectly reasonable. I live across the country from my in-laws and every time we fly out there if it's for more than 24 hours I always make sure to give DH some time alone with his parents.

Are you looking to find offense?

+1

We live far from my DH's family overseas and see them once a year (and I would welcome more visits if we could make them-- our relatives are all getting elderly and can't travel here for various reasons). I always encourage DH to spend time alone with his mom. When my own mom, who lived in the U.S., was still alive, DH encouraged me to visit her on my own if I wanted, and when we visited as a family, DH was glad to do things with DD to let me spend time with or help out my mom. (And yes, he and my mom got along great, and I love my MIL, so none of it is about escaping our MILs!)

Adult children do need and want time with their parents, if the relationship is a good one. OP, he should leave you the car, I agree, but otherwise, it sounds as if you might have some larger issues with MIL or your DH way beyond a mere four hours when you have to spend time occupying your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your husband is a problem year-round, in his not wanting to spend time with you or his child, and having everything his own way, but you choose to focus on the yearly visit to his mother? Maybe he and his mother are both controlling people who put their needs first. They're not going to change it up during their yearly visit. It sounds like you have some work to do with your husband. This isn't about "four hours with Mom." This is 365 days a year of your unhappiness coming out.

Bingo! Stop making it about your MIL. It's a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my MIL is crazy and my husband absolutely won't stand up to her...My husband for some odd reason is utterly terrified of his mother and would never disobey her. She would DIE if he showed up w our child as our son is relegated to the kitchen only of her house and backyard not the front.

Your DH is the real problem. He needs to stand up to his mother and set healthy boundaries for his adult family. "For some odd reason" he is terrified of her? Have you never discussed this with him? You need to start communicating with your DH and holding him accountable instead of just going along with it and then blaming your crazy MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my MIL is crazy and my husband absolutely won't stand up to her...My husband for some odd reason is utterly terrified of his mother and would never disobey her. She would DIE if he showed up w our child as our son is relegated to the kitchen only of her house and backyard not the front.

Your DH is the real problem. He needs to stand up to his mother and set healthy boundaries for his adult family. "For some odd reason" he is terrified of her? Have you never discussed this with him? You need to start communicating with your DH and holding him accountable instead of just going along with it and then blaming your crazy MIL.

Different PP here. I agree that DH is the real problem, but I don't think they need healthy boundaries with his mother so much as he needs to find alone time to be with his own wife and son sometime during the 51 weeks they are at home so that the one week they are with his mother, it isn't a problem for him to spend 4 hours alone with her.

OP's issues are the her child yearns for time with his dad, but his dad can only make time for him the one week all year they go to visit grandma? I'm sorry, but he needs to set aside at least one day/period per week when he actually interacts with his son. I get being busy. My day job is not so busy, but I have a second PT job that will ultimately develop into my second career when I retire from my first and it does keep me pretty busy. What this means is that I have to lose some of my hobbies and personal time so that I still interact with my children routinely. It's irresponsible to procreate and then abandon those children, but some people seem to feel that their me-time trumps their responsibility to their children. That's lamentable. He needs to man-up and actually parent his son and if it means that he has to give up one of his hobbies for now, he needs to do it. Trying to book family time on a visit to grandma and blame her wanting 4 hours a year to spend with her son is ludicrous. If the family time is so important, don't bother going, but then my guess is that this loser dad would find some other way to fill his time rather than spending it with his wife and kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a pain in the ass. No wonder she wants to spend time without you. It's only 4 hours for goodness sake! With her son that she presumably very rarely sees.

Looks like OP's MIL found this thread.

NP

It's really weird and unhealthy that you find it strange that two adults who are family members want to spend time alone. They had a relationship before you joined the family. If they want to talk privately face-to-face they should. Other family members don't need to sit in on every single conversation and put their two cents in.

OP should find something to do with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm another who thinks the real problem is the DH. The OP is focusing in on her MIL as they are all counting on this one weekend to get time with the OP's husband: the mother, the son, and the wife.

The bigger question is why is this one weekend the only time anyone in the family gets to spend quality time with him?

Might be time to find a family therapist OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my MIL is crazy and my husband absolutely won't stand up to her. I feel excluded and sad for my child. When I plan outings for the family when she visits she always changes the plans so it's just her and my husband and me and my son excluded. My mother doesn't do this with my siblings and their spouses. I don't know the area well where she lives and it's totally suburban and nothing within walking distance and she insists my son drive in case they won't to go somewhere because god forbid he should drive her car. She makes no effort to spend time w me or my son. I'm dreading thanksgiving and her alone time while I take my son on a walk around suburbia for 4 hours. She is selfish and I'm glad others think this is strange too. My husband for some odd reason is utterly terrified of his mother and would never disobey her. She would DIE if he showed up w our child as our son is relegated to the kitchen only of her house and backyard not the front.

For heaven's sake, you will be there with your DH's family ALL WEEKEND. Is four hours without DH and MIL so much to ask?

Take your DC to a playground and then watch a Disney movie with popcorn. Have him nap.

Is it really so hard?

[Anonymous]

OP here and I'm sure I'll get fried for this one but we don't do television really especially not on vacation. My husband has many hobbies but spends 90% of his free time w us which still isn't much since he works a lot. We are figuring it all out w the work life balance and spending time together and spending time as a family. I don't love how my MIL only wants to spend an hour a day max w me and my son and an afternoon w my husband since we are on a trip together. My MIL is bossy and my husband is intimidated by her. When he brings up including us in an afternoon alone time she gets defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I'm sure I'll get fried for this one but we don't do television really especially not on vacation. My husband has many hobbies but spends 90% of his free time w us which still isn't much since he works a lot. We are figuring it all out w the work life balance and spending time together and spending time as a family. I don't love how my MIL only wants to spend an hour a day max w me and my son and an afternoon w my husband since we are on a trip together. My MIL is bossy and my husband is intimidated by her. When he brings up including us in an afternoon alone time she gets defensive.

Again, this is not a MIL problem! It is a DH problem! Your position on television is irrelevant. If you get your DH problem fixed, you will not have a MIL problem. Geesh. Why can't you get that through your head?

[Anonymous]

Do NOT let your MIL do this. My mother is this type (not my MIL, btw). It is wrong. She will cleave her way into your marriage and wedge you apart. That is always the unconscious or conscious motivation for doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I'm sure I'll get fried for this one but we don't do television really especially not on vacation. My husband has many hobbies but spends 90% of his free time w us which still isn't much since he works a lot. We are figuring it all out w the work life balance and spending time together and spending time as a family. I don't love how my MIL only wants to spend an hour a day max w me and my son and an afternoon w my husband since we are on a trip together. My MIL is bossy and my husband is intimidated by her. When he brings up including us in an afternoon alone time she gets defensive.

You are still blaming your MIL for your issues. If your family balance was healthy, then no one should have a problem with your husband spending one afternoon a year visiting with his mother alone. Whatever, reasons that you blam your MIL for your and your son's insecurity over dad not being around for 4 hours, those need to be fixed without putting the blame on your MIL. Put yourself in her place. You raised your son to adulthood, and he moves away and only comes to visit once per year for a few days and won't even spend one afternoon with you alone like he's afraid to be alone with you. While your daughter-in-law is nice, you want some one on one time to just talk to your son like you did for the first 22 years of his life, but now you only get group visits with your son not one on one time to just catch up, reminisce about some of your favorite memories of him as a child/teen/young man without having to stop and explain what this story means, or why it means so much to you.

Fix your family dynamic with your husband and son and your MIL's request will not feel so threatening or bothersome.