MIL and her "alone time" with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT let your MIL do this. My mother is this type (not my MIL, btw). It is wrong. She will cleave her way into your marriage and wedge you apart. That is always the unconscious or conscious motivation for doing this.

Let me guess. Your mother lives nearby or at least within driving distance. That's very different from a mother who lives farther away that only sees her son once/year. It is very hard for a mother who only sees her son and daughter-in-law once/year to drive a wedge into a marriage that shatters it. That type of parental interference requires a lot closer proximity and a lot more interaction.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, woman. You have serious marital problems and you continue to blame shift onto your mother-in-law. If you only see her once a year, she is not the problem in your marriage. I get that your feelings are hurt that she doesn't let your child roam all over the house, but that will change as your children get older. You should be thrilled that she only wants to see your husband as you can now do whatever the hell you want instead of having painful in-law time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I'm sure I'll get fried for this one but we don't do television really especially not on vacation. My husband has many hobbies but spends 90% of his free time w us which still isn't much since he works a lot. We are figuring it all out w the work life balance and spending time together and spending time as a family. I don't love how my MIL only wants to spend an hour a day max w me and my son and an afternoon w my husband since we are on a trip together. My MIL is bossy and my husband is intimidated by her. When he brings up including us in an afternoon alone time she gets defensive.

You are still blaming your MIL for your issues. If your family balance was healthy, then no one should have a problem with your husband spending one afternoon a year visiting with his mother alone. Whatever, reasons that you blam your MIL for your and your son's insecurity over dad not being around for 4 hours, those need to be fixed without putting the blame on your MIL. Put yourself in her place. You raised your son to adulthood, and he moves away and only comes to visit once per year for a few days and won't even spend one afternoon with you alone like he's afraid to be alone with you. While your daughter-in-law is nice, you want some one on one time to just talk to your son like you did for the first 22 years of his life, but now you only get group visits with your son not one on one time to just catch up, reminisce about some of your favorite memories of him as a child/teen/young man without having to stop and explain what this story means, or why it means so much to you.

Fix your family dynamic with your husband and son and your MIL's request will not feel so threatening or bothersome.

This. OP, You sound jealous of MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say my MIL is crazy because she doesn't allow my child anywhere but the kitchen and backyard. I think that's insane sorry. Her home has nice things but isn't a museum and I would watch my child like a hawk in her home but she doesn't care- kitchen and back yard only. Thanksgiving dinner is at a restaurant so children don't cause too much commotion in her huge home.

DH has to work the hours he works to take care of our family financially. I'm in the process of finding a new job but trust me he'd rather be with his family than work. He hates his required hours but for now it's his job. We live modestly in a tiny apt. Hence why this is pretty much the only trip we can afford every year. And for this to be our one trip this year I'd prefer if she spent time with all of us not just my husband.

OP, I'm sorry something is off about this story. And of course we are only getting your side. Where is your DH in all of this? What does he think about child only being allowed in kitchen and backyard? As many have said, you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem. Blame all of this on DH.

[Anonymous]

In dunno OP.... it's maddening to me that I cannot spend any time alone with my dad because his wife of 30 years cannot stand to be separated from him even for the time it would take us to have lunch. It makes me feel sad and frustrated.

I would enjoy spending time alone with both of them, actually, in addition to the time we spend together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In dunno OP.... it's maddening to me that I cannot spend any time alone with my dad because his wife of 30 years cannot stand to be separated from him even for the time it would take us to have lunch. It makes me feel sad and frustrated.

I would enjoy spending time alone with both of them, actually, in addition to the time we spend together.

Yes, this. I cherish the alone time I get with my parents. Fortunately, everyone in my family also feels the same way. The dynamic in OP's family sounds really sad - she, her child, and the MIL are all starving for attention from the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have sons and would never do this.

Your MIL is a weirdo. And what does your husband say about this nonsense?

You would never want to have spend some one-on-one time with your son or daughter once they are married? I find that strange. If the MIL never wanted to spend time with the DIL or grandchildren, that is something different. But I love spending time with my mom alone and that didn't change when I got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my MIL is crazy and my husband absolutely won't stand up to her. I feel excluded and sad for my child. When I plan outings for the family when she visits she always changes the plans so it's just her and my husband and me and my son excluded. My mother doesn't do this with my siblings and their spouses. I don't know the area well where she lives and it's totally suburban and nothing within walking distance and she insists my son drive in case they won't to go somewhere because god forbid he should drive her car. She makes no effort to spend time w me or my son. I'm dreading thanksgiving and her alone time while I take my son on a walk around suburbia for 4 hours. She is selfish and I'm glad others think this is strange too. My husband for some odd reason is utterly terrified of his mother and would never disobey her. She would DIE if he showed up w our child as our son is relegated to the kitchen only of her house and backyard not the front.

This is the real problem. His first allegience should be to you and your son. It is not disrespectful to his mother to put you first at this point in his life. She should not be pulling this type of shit.

[Anonymous]

OP here... saw MIL for the 30 mins that she had for us today and when she brought up the alone time and how much she is looking forward to it, I said that it would be so lovely if my son could join them or me and my son so we could have a nice afternoon together. She then told me that I'm not really family and being married to her son for 5 years doesn't entitle me to that private time and maybe never will. She said to me that it's normal for MiLs and FILs to keep their children's spouses at arms reach because that's all they are, spouses. Really looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her!

[Anonymous]

Whenever my in-laws visit, I make sure to give DH alone time with them. Either I go do something with the kids for a bit, or if we all go somewhere, my DH will go in the car with them. They are his parents, and they have a relationship with their son that is beyond their relationship with me and their grandchildren. Also when my parents visit, I spend some alone time with them while DH does his thing, or entertains the kids.

But I would not agree to be stuck at the hotel without a car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... saw MIL for the 30 mins that she had for us today and when she brought up the alone time and how much she is looking forward to it, I said that it would be so lovely if my son could join them or me and my son so we could have a nice afternoon together. She then told me that I'm not really family and being married to her son for 5 years doesn't entitle me to that private time and maybe never will. She said to me that it's normal for MiLs and FILs to keep their children's spouses at arms reach because that's all they are, spouses. Really looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her!

That was very "sweet" of her.
Well, I think I would minimize time with her as much as I can.
Take the car and do something fun with your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... saw MIL for the 30 mins that she had for us today and when she brought up the alone time and how much she is looking forward to it, I said that it would be so lovely if my son could join them or me and my son so we could have a nice afternoon together. She then told me that I'm not really family and being married to her son for 5 years doesn't entitle me to that private time and maybe never will. She said to me that it's normal for MiLs and FILs to keep their children's spouses at arms reach because that's all they are, spouses. Really looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her!

That was very "sweet" of her.
Well, I think I would minimize time with her as much as I can.
Take the car and do something fun with your son.

This +1000. Drop your husband off and wave goodbye from the curb. If you can't do this, then we're doomed. All of DCUM is counting on you to be strong.

[Anonymous]

I'll happily drop him off. Not only does she have a car but she also has a driver. I'm standing my ground on this.

I also want to clarify that when she comes to visit I happily give them alone time. However, when we travel and take a family trip to visit I wanted to be included. I don't know the area well and hate driving in places I'm not familiar. But would rather use navigation then be stuck at the hotel. Where she lives is pretty sleepy and boring but I'm sure I can find a p,ayground or park to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... saw MIL for the 30 mins that she had for us today and when she brought up the alone time and how much she is looking forward to it, I said that it would be so lovely if my son could join them or me and my son so we could have a nice afternoon together. She then told me that I'm not really family and being married to her son for 5 years doesn't entitle me to that private time and maybe never will. She said to me that it's normal for MiLs and FILs to keep their children's spouses at arms reach because that's all they are, spouses. Really looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her!

Keep us posted OP!

[Anonymous]

You feel excluded? The only time I've ever heard someone use that phrase was from my bat shit cray cray SIL. Get the f*ck over it, it's 4 hours.