MIL and her "alone time" with DH

[Anonymous]

I encourage my husband to spend one on one time with his mother. We tolerate each other, but I don't want to be the cause of any riff in their relationship. She is getting older and won't be around forever.

An afternoon during a four day visit is nothing! I would enjoy the break from her. Take the kids for a walk to the park, library, or out for a treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL wanted to spend 4 hours alone with her grown daughter that would probably not be an issue at all. They would have a "girls' day out" - get their nails done, do some shopping, have lunch. And everyone on DCUM would be up for that.

But a MIL wanting to spend some alone time with the son that she loved and raised is somehow viewed as a lack of respect to the DIL.

Come one. Let mom spend some alone time with her son.

I couldn't have said this better!

[Anonymous]

Tell DH to go alone. Done.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, sounds like your life kind of sucks. You can't change your MIL, so just visit her less. I wouldn't begrudge her the time with your husband. I cherish my alone time with my parents as our visits are different with the whole family (although also wonderful). My parents don't hear well and it's very difficult for them to keep up with the conversation when there are kids around. Actually, I like spending some time alone with all my family members!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is the only trip we take basically and my son never sees his dad because of work etc. DH has a very demanding schedule and works most weekends. My son lives to be with him when he can. My MIL is very controlling and everything is her way or no way. I am not controlling and my husband has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. I don't restrict him from doing anything. At home I'm basically a single mom so trips together are special. His mother has no respect for our family and us wanting to do things as a family with her included. She can come visit anytime as finances are far from an issue for her and she doesn't work so between her life of going on lavish trips around the world (as she should. I'm not shaming her for that at all), she could come visit and get her alone time. But instead she demands us to come to her but doesn't like us to really be with her but an hour a day except for her alone time with DH. My son has no clue who she is. It's sad but anyways I hate the alone time thing when we are on trips. DH said he would talk to her about leaving me the car. The hotel doesn't have an indoor pool but a restaurant. My 3 yo in a restaurant leaves much to be desired. I'm sure we can uber to a park if DH has the car.

OK lady. You are quite a drama queen. If you husband doesn't have time with your child, that is your and your husband's problems. Your husband's mother raised him, cared for him, and spending FOUR house alone time with him is NOT a big deal. Shessh people, listen to yourself. This is totally double standard for a "son" versus a "daughter".

[Anonymous]

OP, four hours out of four days is not a big deal. I think it's you who may need marriage counseling. This level of controlling must be intolerable, no wonder DH would rather live at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is the only trip we take basically and my son never sees his dad because of work etc. DH has a very demanding schedule and works most weekends. My son lives to be with him when he can. My MIL is very controlling and everything is her way or no way. I am not controlling and my husband has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. I don't restrict him from doing anything. At home I'm basically a single mom so trips together are special. His mother has no respect for our family and us wanting to do things as a family with her included. She can come visit anytime as finances are far from an issue for her and she doesn't work so between her life of going on lavish trips around the world (as she should. I'm not shaming her for that at all), she could come visit and get her alone time. But instead she demands us to come to her but doesn't like us to really be with her but an hour a day except for her alone time with DH. My son has no clue who she is. It's sad but anyways I hate the alone time thing when we are on trips. DH said he would talk to her about leaving me the car. The hotel doesn't have an indoor pool but a restaurant. My 3 yo in a restaurant leaves much to be desired. I'm sure we can uber to a park if DH has the car.

OP, this is a DH problem. You said your husband works a demanding job, including weekends, yet he also has many hobbies and gets free time whenever?? No. Your husband needs to scale back his hobbies and free time (I mean, I'd love a ton of free time too...but I'm not going to choose tons of free time over seeing my children) and spend more time with his son, and then a 4 hour request by your MIL to spend time with her son won't bother you. You'll probably encourage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is the only trip we take basically and my son never sees his dad because of work etc. DH has a very demanding schedule and works most weekends. My son lives to be with him when he can. My MIL is very controlling and everything is her way or no way. I am not controlling and my husband has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. I don't restrict him from doing anything. At home I'm basically a single mom so trips together are special. His mother has no respect for our family and us wanting to do things as a family with her included. She can come visit anytime as finances are far from an issue for her and she doesn't work so between her life of going on lavish trips around the world (as she should. I'm not shaming her for that at all), she could come visit and get her alone time. But instead she demands us to come to her but doesn't like us to really be with her but an hour a day except for her alone time with DH. My son has no clue who she is. It's sad but anyways I hate the alone time thing when we are on trips. DH said he would talk to her about leaving me the car. The hotel doesn't have an indoor pool but a restaurant. My 3 yo in a restaurant leaves much to be desired. I'm sure we can uber to a park if DH has the car.

The issue of your son never seeing his father is NOT your MILs fault, yet you are blaming her. Your husband excludes himself from spending time with his son while home. You enable him to abandon his parenting responsibilities by allowing him free time whenever he wants. I'm sorry, but there is far more dysfunction at home than there is at the once/year visit to grandma. If your son yearns for time with his dad, you and dad need to talk and arrange that this happens on a regular basis. You should not be waiting for the annual trip to grandma's to try and develop father-son interaction time. Your husband needs to set aside regular times he spends with his own son at home. If he works so much that he has limited time for free/spare time, then he needs to carve out some free/spare time for his son.

As for the visits with your MIL, tell your husband very bluntly that when he has his alone visits with his mother, that you will take the rental car so that you and your son are not stranded wherever. If they can't drive his mother's car, then he gets to rent a second car. Alternatively, instead of staying close to her in suburbia, then pick a hotel that is close to amenities or public transportation that you and your son can use to get around and your husband can make longer drives out to the burbs where grandma lives for his visits. There are many solutions to your problems, but they all start with you actually communicating like an adult with your husband, stating what the issues are and finding a solution to the actual problems. In this case, you are letting your problems at home create problems on vacation or visits to grandma. While I understand frustration with your MIL, these would be annoyances rather than real problems if you had a more functional family relationship between you, your husband and your son at home. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is the only trip we take basically and my son never sees his dad because of work etc. DH has a very demanding schedule and works most weekends. My son lives to be with him when he can. My MIL is very controlling and everything is her way or no way. I am not controlling and my husband has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. I don't restrict him from doing anything. At home I'm basically a single mom so trips together are special. His mother has no respect for our family and us wanting to do things as a family with her included. She can come visit anytime as finances are far from an issue for her and she doesn't work so between her life of going on lavish trips around the world (as she should. I'm not shaming her for that at all), she could come visit and get her alone time. But instead she demands us to come to her but doesn't like us to really be with her but an hour a day except for her alone time with DH. My son has no clue who she is. It's sad but anyways I hate the alone time thing when we are on trips. DH said he would talk to her about leaving me the car. The hotel doesn't have an indoor pool but a restaurant. My 3 yo in a restaurant leaves much to be desired. I'm sure we can uber to a park if DH has the car.

OK lady. You are quite a drama queen. If you husband doesn't have time with your child, that is your and your husband's problems. Your husband's mother raised him, cared for him, and spending FOUR house alone time with him is NOT a big deal. Shessh people, listen to yourself. This is totally double standard for a "son" versus a "daughter".

If it was just about MIL wanting to spend 4 hours alone with her son that would be one thing. But it sounds as though MIL expects them all to fly out to her turf AND stay in a hotel AND only visit her for an hour or so a day while they are there, she doesn't actually want to do any family things with them. And then, to top it all off, she expect her son to ditch his family and go out with her for 4 hours straight.

MIL is treating Op, not like family, but like the hired help. The nanny who is supposed to bring the children in for a visit when MIL feels like seeing them and leave whenever MIL is done with the visit.

I can't blame OP for not wanting to spend her husband's very limited vacation time like this.

They only thing I can suggest is fly out there and plan a mini vacation to an amusement park or some other fun place. You do not have to see MIL every danged day.

[Anonymous]

OP, listen to the song "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.

You are this family. And you are going to raise a son that as an adult will have little time to spare or interest in seeing his father. I hope your husband is okay with not ever knowing his son because if you don't make time for your children when they are young, they won't make time for you when they are older.

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad; come on, let's play
Can you teach me to throw?"
I said, "Not today, I got a lot to do."
He said, "That's okay."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man, I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later; can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired, and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then."

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? If not, would you consider earning to allow DH some life besides supporting you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is weird. She can come pick him up.

But you do realize this is really YOUR HUSBAND'S fault, right? She can want and ask for whatever. It's on him to discuss with you what is reasonable, and communicate a final decision back to her.

Winner, winner chicken dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work? If not, would you consider earning to allow DH some life besides supporting you?

To be fair, it sounds like DH has a life and hobbies he just doesn't include his family as one of them most of the time.

FWIW, all the most work-a-holic people I know are dual working families- probably because the vast majority of people are dual working families or single parents working, don't make this a SAHM issue. THat;s not even close to the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work? If not, would you consider earning to allow DH some life besides supporting you?

To be fair, it sounds like DH has a life and hobbies he just doesn't include his family as one of them most of the time.

FWIW, all the most work-a-holic people I know are dual working families- probably because the vast majority of people are dual working families or single parents working, don't make this a SAHM issue. THat;s not even close to the issue.

Sorry, to clarify I don't believe most people in dual income households are workaholics or that it in anyway causes those who work constantly. I'm saying that people who put career at the top of their priority list (which is fine, but own it) or choose to ramp up at certain times or to stay in super burn-out fields (FWIW my DH is like this) they do so because of their own drive and what not, not because they have a SAH spouse.

[Anonymous]

Here is what you need to do. First you need to realize that all younger couples go through this faze. My DH and I barely saw each other for the first several years of our marriage. I worked regular hours and he worked late afternoon till early morning hours. We made the effort to meet during my lunch break. We didn't have kids at that time. This doesn't mean that the rest of the world and families disappear. It is normal for young couples to be jealous of everything and everybody else, this goes away older you get. According to your own words, your DH is not neglecting you because he wants to, but because you work. On the other hand you "allow" him hobbies right? Is he in fact having any hobbies right now? Or is he spending all of his minimal free time with your and his son? You are lonely being a SAHM and hence needy of his time and attention. It is tough being home alone with a small child. It might seem to you that you never see him, and if that is actually a fact, then your really need to reevaluate your relationship. Your MIL might be needy and nuts, who knows, but your problem is you and your DH. You have chosen to allow him to make your only vacation about his mother. This is also a sign of youth, where we are still influenced by our parents and have difficult time making independent vacation plans. Parents demand kids come, kids come just like they did when in college during breaks. When you start acting like an adult and an equal partner in the relationship, you will become more tolerant and more in charge of your vacation and your family. This may happen as you grow older or when you stop being needy.