My son's wife does not work.....

[Anonymous]

OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

[Anonymous]

Maybe having her managing the house is what has allowed him to focus on his job. Maybe they will change their minds about kids later. Just smile OP, and drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Whoa, you went from "he earned it" to "she planned it" in one sentence! I think it sounds paranoid to imply she's been grooming your son to be a provider since 19 so she wouldn't have to work, especially if she has supported him in the past - would you have said he was counting on a free ride for the rest of his life then? Life is long, marriage roles change, and marriage is a partnership where different people contribute in different ways .She may very well want to work again or have kids in a few years. Or not...but don't stress about 20 years down the line yet, and don't act like she's in your son's debt because of an imagined future, or like she's a gold digger if he was a pothead when they met.

[Anonymous]

They met at 19. I repeat its a starter marriage. Kids with working wife number 2.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like my MIL. She feels this same way about my SIL. BIL has a job that in loves a lot of last minute travel, and I think she loves him and wants to be sure to be available when he is home. I don't get why MIL isn't thrilled that he found someone who loves him so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Don't most women marry men that they think are intelligent and have potential?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like my MIL. She feels this same way about my SIL. BIL has a job that in loves a lot of last minute travel, and I think she loves him and wants to be sure to be available when he is home. I don't get why MIL isn't thrilled that he found someone who loves him so much.

Aw, this is sweet.

[Anonymous]

They met at 19. I repeat its a starter marriage. Kids with working wife number 2

Are you speaking from experience pp? If not, than you can't know for certain. I know plenty of couples without kids where the wife stayed home and took care of the home. If you do the job correctly than it is a job. If it isn't for you that's ok but don't knock other people's choices.

Also to the Op, who said that this situation isn't going to change? Do you have a crystal ball that says she isn't going to find a job or a career? You say you love your DIL but, you have a funny way of showing it. Believe me, DIL knows how you feel even if you hide it well.

I"m glad you are not my MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Ok, you sound nuts. You raised him to need all this help and to want a housewife. You're awfully judgy for someone who is culpable. You need a hobby.

[Anonymous]

So you raised a hot mess of a son, she spent 7 years helping to undo the damage you did, and now you are mad because she is taking a much-needed break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They met at 19. I repeat its a starter marriage. Kids with working wife number 2.

No, they met when SHE was 19-20. HE was 26-27 and now is mid-30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They met at 19. I repeat its a starter marriage. Kids with working wife number 2.

This is ridiculous. I know many couples who were high school sweethearts (and one pair of middle school sweethearts!) who have long, stable, happy marriages.

And I know at least two couples with no kids and only one partner working. They've been happily married for years too, and their marriage shows no signs of collapsing.

Neither of those things categorically spell the doom of a marriage. Your post seems rather mean-spirited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

She turned his life around in 7 years what you never could fix since you screwed up for 20+ years. If she hadn't turned his life around, he'd be the one having a free ride on your dime or on the taxpayer's dime. If that was her plan from the beginning, you should be kissing her feet.

Clearly her life revolves around his, part of that is probably taking care of things at home so he can focus on his career. That is SMART, considering he probably would fall apart again if she spent her energy working on her own career and not coddling him and keeping him on track.

[Anonymous]

You all are too mean to OP, criticizing her parenting when you have no idea of the circumstances, what her DH was like as a father, what other stresses or health challenges may have been in play for her DS.

In particular it is reprehensible to say the above pp, "what you never could fix since you screwed up for 20+ years". You should be ashamed of yourself spreading such sadness with your words. You could have made your point more constructively and less hatefully. Terrible.

And no I don't have a similar problem, my kids are little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are too mean to OP, criticizing her parenting when you have no idea of the circumstances, what her DH was like as a father, what other stresses or health challenges may have been in play for her DS.

In particular it is reprehensible to say the above pp, "what you never could fix since you screwed up for 20+ years". You should be ashamed of yourself spreading such sadness with your words. You could have made your point more constructively and less hatefully. Terrible.

And no I don't have a similar problem, my kids are little.

It's the hypocrisy and double-standard that OP is exhibiting - not necessarily just how she parented her son.

It's really insane of her to criticize her DIL for helping her son get his act together, but then say she thinks DIL is getting some sort of free ride.