My son's wife does not work.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll go out on a limb for you. I don't blame you for being angry about this---if my son (he is a preschooler, so yes, I am a DIL not a MIL) marries a woman like this, I will have to fight everything in me not to say anything---I think your DIL is being irresponsible.

But we know birds of a feather flock together. Your son was using marijuana for a while and she helped him stop? For good.. not a single relapse? I think its entirely possible the real deal is that they BOTH use marijuana---and each person's capacity to function has increased/decreased over the course of the relationship. Maybe two potheads got together and in order to get you off his back they portray her as someone who lives clean and wants to save your son. Maybe he did cut back\stop enough to make some good changes--but its still possible they smoke together--maybe she is now using more than he is and it's causing her to be lazy. Or maybe she lived clean before she met him, helped him get his act together, he began to use again (but still functions) and then he got her into it and now she's a heavy pothead.

Whatever the case, I suspect any attempts by you to intervene will backfire.

No great advice, just my sympathies. If you haven't already, might help you to read the literature on codependence.

Flame away everyone! ?

OP here and I will chime in and say that I'm fairly certain neither of them use marijuana. Part of the reason why my son couldn't get a job was because he couldn't pass the drug test and I'm pretty sure my daughter-in-law never got into any kind of drugs. Her father had a lot of issues with drugs and died about 3 years ago from cirrhosis of the liver. She has always been very vocal about her distaste of people who drink and use different drugs. About a year into their relationship I know that she gave him an ultimatum about the pot. He confided in his brother about it and his brother mentioned it to me once several years later when I asked if his brother was still using pot. I can't see her putting up with him smoking it again. Also, I really get what everyone is saying. I'll back off and leave them be.

Good for you OP!

[Anonymous]

My issue

??? not your issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

Huh. That's odd- are you a single WOHM? If not- you are the first working mom who I've heard admit on DCUM that she doesn't have an equal partner around the house in her spouse. I hear this frequently from my WOHM's in real life- how they are working but still doing 100% of the housework- but on DCUM that makes you a unicorn. Every other WOHM has a husband who does 50% of the housework and childcare. Personally that sounds harrowing in addition to holding down a full time job.

no - i've got a DH, but his hours are truly terrible so I handle 90% of the household stuff (including nearly 100% of the child-related stuff). so we are definitely not remotely equal in terms of household stuff/childcare, but he works more total hours than I do (if you count my paid job hours + my unpaid household work). i am the "default parent". but that's a topic for another thread. i think the balance of household stuff may be more extreme in our case than many, but from what I can see of my friends/colleagues the "default parent" (which is usually but not always the DW), does at least 75% of the household stuff even while working a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.



She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

Huh. That's odd- are you a single WOHM? If not- you are the first working mom who I've heard admit on DCUM that she doesn't have an equal partner around the house in her spouse. I hear this frequently from my WOHM's in real life- how they are working but still doing 100% of the housework- but on DCUM that makes you a unicorn. Every other WOHM has a husband who does 50% of the housework and childcare. Personally that sounds harrowing in addition to holding down a full time job.

no - i've got a DH, but his hours are truly terrible so I handle 90% of the household stuff (including nearly 100% of the child-related stuff). so we are definitely not remotely equal in terms of household stuff/childcare, but he works more total hours than I do (if you count my paid job hours + my unpaid household work). i am the "default parent". but that's a topic for another thread. i think the balance of household stuff may be more extreme in our case than many, but from what I can see of my friends/colleagues the "default parent" (which is usually but not always the DW), does at least 75% of the household stuff even while working a full time job.

What's so great about working so that you can pay for after care, spend less time with your kids and spend nights and weekends doing most of the house work?

[Anonymous]

It works for them. Maybe your son needs constant support to be functional. Maybe your dil has medical problems that are not obvious to you. If they are doing ok financially, leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't work but it takes all my time managing DH. no we are NOT having kids. He's enough.

Really? All your time is spent tending to your husband?? What is wrong with your husband?!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't work but it takes all my time managing DH. no we are NOT having kids. He's enough.

Really? All your time is spent tending to your husband?? What is wrong with your husband?!!

Dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is basically his life coach and his manager. That IS her job. Just leave them alone.

Oh for goodness sake!! She has no job and no kids to attend to. I understand why this would frustrate you OP.

Lets hope they are very sensible with their finances and do not need OP's help in the future as OP has her own retirement to think of!

Depending on a man to support you has been shown in many cases to not be a good idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't work but it takes all my time managing DH. no we are NOT having kids. He's enough.

Really? All your time is spent tending to your husband?? What is wrong with your husband?!!

Dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort

So neither of you can go to work.

This is hard, sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Maybe she just doesn't want to work. What exactly is so wrong about that? Are you just jealous?

I'll never understand why some people care so much what other people do.

Besides, maybe she's a web cam girl and they don't want you to know.

Who knows?

Because it could cause financial hardship down the road. OP doesn't want her son stressed to the max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP is jealous that her son's wife got him sorted out on a good path, where she wasn't able to as a parent. And she's envious of that. It's warped, but not uncommon.

I doubt it. She is just concerned about her son shouldering all the finances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

Agree and most WOHM outsource nothing - and still keep their husbands, kids, household & finances on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP is jealous that her son's wife got him sorted out on a good path, where she wasn't able to as a parent. And she's envious of that. It's warped, but not uncommon.

I doubt it. She is just concerned about her son shouldering all the finances!

Her son is a grown-ass man, who became grown & mature not through mommy-dearest, but through his wife. His choices are none of mommy's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like OP is jealous that her son's wife got him sorted out on a good path, where she wasn't able to as a parent. And she's envious of that. It's warped, but not uncommon.

+1 And now she is pissed that someone did her role better.

[Anonymous]

You raised him and he had problems. He met her and improved. Id be careful prescribing a path to his happiness.