My son's wife does not work.....

[Anonymous]

You have no shame OP. Mind your own business, and don't be a jealous old MIL. Your son is a married happy man. You DIL is a good wife for straightening up your pothead son, the very same son you couldn't help as a mother. Get over yourself! If your DIL chooses to stay home, then be it. Why do you care so much? Ohh because your son is working and providing for his family, which includes his wife only. Seriously, I wish I could cuss you out because you are pathetic with your conflicting comments about your DIL.

I have been married for 10 years. DH and I didn't want kids early in marriage because I was in grad school. We have been trying for 5 years and it's not happening. I'm not going to share the news of our unexplained infertility on national TV. It's personal. My MIL does not dare to ask me anything but I know she tried with my husband and she still asks if I am preg and just hiding it.

BTW, DH also paid for tuition of grad school. DH supported me when I couldn't find a job. DH still pays the bills. My money earned goes straight to my pocket. I spend it as I please with the blessing of my DH, who does not need me to help with bills. I wonder how my MIL feels about it?!

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is your son's bread. Maybe your son is shooting blanks. Maybe your son had a horrible childhood and does not want to be a dad. Maybe he wants a wife who stays at home.

There are a lot of things you don't know and it is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

You should ask your son to divorce her or have an affair. That will show her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that I do not dislike my daughter-in-law, she has been wonderful for my son and really helped him get his life together. He was in a pretty bad place when they met, but over the last 7 years she has helped him become a completely different person. He is so much more confident now and has found a job that he loves in a field that he excels at, he's happy now. My issue is that she doesn't work. They don't have kids and my son says they don't plan to. She is 27 and he is 34. She seems to be very bright and she's a nice person who seems very capable, I just don't understand why she doesn't work. I know she's had the occasional part time job, and she does volunteer some. She did work when they first met and I think she supported them to begin with. She doesn't appear to have any plans to go back to school. When I talk to my son I can't say ANYTHING negative about her or he gets upset. I guess I am just worried about them long term. I just don't understand how can he be alright with supporting her the rest of her life. This is just a vent. I know there isn't much I can do.....right?

What exactly are you so worried about???

[Anonymous]

I met DH at 21 and at that point I didn't know if I ever wanted kids. I definitely couldn't see myself getting pregnant. We got married a couple years later. His mother was constantly asking about kids. It was annoying. We weren't ready. We were ready when I was 30 and I had my first at 31. We have 2 now.

Please don't ask them about this. You don't know what they are going through. As for the not working, it is their business. But as someone suggested as a mother to a son it would likely bother me, too.

[Anonymous]

OP I'll go out on a limb for you. I don't blame you for being angry about this---if my son (he is a preschooler, so yes, I am a DIL not a MIL) marries a woman like this, I will have to fight everything in me not to say anything---I think your DIL is being irresponsible.

But we know birds of a feather flock together. Your son was using marijuana for a while and she helped him stop? For good.. not a single relapse? I think its entirely possible the real deal is that they BOTH use marijuana---and each person's capacity to function has increased/decreased over the course of the relationship. Maybe two potheads got together and in order to get you off his back they portray her as someone who lives clean and wants to save your son. Maybe he did cut back\stop enough to make some good changes--but its still possible they smoke together--maybe she is now using more than he is and it's causing her to be lazy. Or maybe she lived clean before she met him, helped him get his act together, he began to use again (but still functions) and then he got her into it and now she's a heavy pothead.

Whatever the case, I suspect any attempts by you to intervene will backfire.

No great advice, just my sympathies. If you haven't already, might help you to read the literature on codependence.

Flame away everyone! ?

[Anonymous]

Op, you said your DS doesn't want to hear anything bad about his wife--as if that is a bad thing! No man wants his mother bad-mouthing his wife, asking nosy questions about his wife, prying into his business in any way. You are way, way out of line.

My DH does not work. Before we had kids, I am sure people wondered how I could stand having a spouse who did not work. Easily. I love him. He takes care of me. He has anxiety and depression issues, as well as health issues, that make having a job very difficult for him. But he loves keeping house and, now, taking care of our kids. If he worked, yes, we would have more money, but money is not anything and the amount of stress it would cause us is not worth it to us.

NOT ONCE did my parents ever ask me if he intended to get a job, or hint that he's somehow less than a good spouse if he does not work, or say anything bad about him at all. He's a good person who is very good to me. They see that, and they love him and see the good in him, and focus on that.

Your son and his wife have been together for YEARS. They are committed to each other. They do not need any thoughts, suggestions, concerns from you about how to change their lives because they know themselves and their lives far, far better than you ever will. You need to butt out not only because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the only way you will have anything approaching a loving, caring relationship with these two people who both should be very important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you said your DS doesn't want to hear anything bad about his wife--as if that is a bad thing! No man wants his mother bad-mouthing his wife, asking nosy questions about his wife, prying into his business in any way. You are way, way out of line.

My DH does not work. Before we had kids, I am sure people wondered how I could stand having a spouse who did not work. Easily. I love him. He takes care of me. He has anxiety and depression issues, as well as health issues, that make having a job very difficult for him. But he loves keeping house and, now, taking care of our kids. If he worked, yes, we would have more money, but money is not anything and the amount of stress it would cause us is not worth it to us.

NOT ONCE did my parents ever ask me if he intended to get a job, or hint that he's somehow less than a good spouse if he does not work, or say anything bad about him at all. He's a good person who is very good to me. They see that, and they love him and see the good in him, and focus on that.

Your son and his wife have been together for YEARS. They are committed to each other. They do not need any thoughts, suggestions, concerns from you about how to change their lives because they know themselves and their lives far, far better than you ever will. You need to butt out not only because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the only way you will have anything approaching a loving, caring relationship with these two people who both should be very important to you.

You are awesome, PP. wish OP could learn from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you said your DS doesn't want to hear anything bad about his wife--as if that is a bad thing! No man wants his mother bad-mouthing his wife, asking nosy questions about his wife, prying into his business in any way. You are way, way out of line.

My DH does not work. Before we had kids, I am sure people wondered how I could stand having a spouse who did not work. Easily. I love him. He takes care of me. He has anxiety and depression issues, as well as health issues, that make having a job very difficult for him. But he loves keeping house and, now, taking care of our kids. If he worked, yes, we would have more money, but money is not anything and the amount of stress it would cause us is not worth it to us.

NOT ONCE did my parents ever ask me if he intended to get a job, or hint that he's somehow less than a good spouse if he does not work, or say anything bad about him at all. He's a good person who is very good to me. They see that, and they love him and see the good in him, and focus on that.

Your son and his wife have been together for YEARS. They are committed to each other. They do not need any thoughts, suggestions, concerns from you about how to change their lives because they know themselves and their lives far, far better than you ever will. You need to butt out not only because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the only way you will have anything approaching a loving, caring relationship with these two people who both should be very important to you.

Hello you kids and your husband according to you takes care of them. Not the same situation AT All.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's worked plenty hard.

Women tend to get unpaid, or underpaid for the major emotional labor they do for others.

Read this, OP: http://the-toast.net/2015/07/13/emotional-labor/

no - it doesn't sound like she's worked hard. it sounds like she's pretty lazy and unmotivated - how can taking care of a healthy grown man and yourself possibly fill your entire day? that said, if I were the MIL, I would never say anything because it's just not any of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

Huh. That's odd- are you a single WOHM? If not- you are the first working mom who I've heard admit on DCUM that she doesn't have an equal partner around the house in her spouse. I hear this frequently from my WOHM's in real life- how they are working but still doing 100% of the housework- but on DCUM that makes you a unicorn. Every other WOHM has a husband who does 50% of the housework and childcare. Personally that sounds harrowing in addition to holding down a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll go out on a limb for you. I don't blame you for being angry about this---if my son (he is a preschooler, so yes, I am a DIL not a MIL) marries a woman like this, I will have to fight everything in me not to say anything---I think your DIL is being irresponsible.

But we know birds of a feather flock together. Your son was using marijuana for a while and she helped him stop? For good.. not a single relapse? I think its entirely possible the real deal is that they BOTH use marijuana---and each person's capacity to function has increased/decreased over the course of the relationship. Maybe two potheads got together and in order to get you off his back they portray her as someone who lives clean and wants to save your son. Maybe he did cut back\stop enough to make some good changes--but its still possible they smoke together--maybe she is now using more than he is and it's causing her to be lazy. Or maybe she lived clean before she met him, helped him get his act together, he began to use again (but still functions) and then he got her into it and now she's a heavy pothead.

Whatever the case, I suspect any attempts by you to intervene will backfire.

No great advice, just my sympathies. If you haven't already, might help you to read the literature on codependence.

Flame away everyone! ?

OP here and I will chime in and say that I'm fairly certain neither of them use marijuana. Part of the reason why my son couldn't get a job was because he couldn't pass the drug test and I'm pretty sure my daughter-in-law never got into any kind of drugs. Her father had a lot of issues with drugs and died about 3 years ago from cirrhosis of the liver. She has always been very vocal about her distaste of people who drink and use different drugs. About a year into their relationship I know that she gave him an ultimatum about the pot. He confided in his brother about it and his brother mentioned it to me once several years later when I asked if his brother was still using pot. I can't see her putting up with him smoking it again. Also, I really get what everyone is saying. I'll back off and leave them be.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. I do work, but my fiancé and STBMIL would love for me to cut back to part time because I have health issues and our household runs smoother when someone is free at least part-time. I'm still young enough by DCUM standards to have at least one baby, but we're content with the 2 kids I had from a prior marriage and my fiancé's stepson from his first marriage. She'll never have a biograndkid, but dotes on these three steps. Really appreciating my MIL after reading this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: Look I really am not trying to attack her. She has done so much for my son. He's no longer a pot head because of her, she found him his current job when he was unhappy with his last, she took care of everything involved in buying their current house. He is in a very good place because of her and they both seem very happy together. I just don't get why she doesn't work. I'm also not the pp complaining about no grand kids, I already have grand kids through my other son. I don't understand why they don't want kids, but I'm not playing the I will never have grand kids card. I just don't want my son to support someone for the rest of his life.

Geez! She has done a lot for your son! Maybe they are just happy or can't have kids.

I'm a SAHM whose kid is in school. But I managed all kinds of things so my husband doesn't have to: landscaping plus mowing weekly, paying the bills, house cleaning, home repairs, washing the car, cooking all meals, washing the house once a year plus bargain shopping to stretch our money. If he was a single guy paying someone to do all of that? Forget it!

Plus, he says he likes knowing I'm at home taking care of things. Not everyone values things the same way.

She's a positive influence on his life. Not a lot of women would have taken on your son. I know I passed on unemployed potheads in seconds when I was single.

Be nice.

You do realize that plenty of WOHMs also take care of all of the household stuff while holding down a full time job right? Many SAHMs have posts like this that make it sound like the household couldn't possibly run if they worked. But for many WOHMs we outsource some of the SAHM work - like cleaning the house and babysitting the kids for a couple of hours after school until we get home -- and then take care of all of the rest of the stuff you listed nights/weekends and on days off.

Yes, but I don't see the point of working just to pay someone else to do the things I can do myself to my own satisfaction. What's the point when I am happier just doing it myself. And I work at home all week so that the weekend is just family time. Don't you think your kids would prefer that you could spend all weekend having fun and learning new things instead of having you off doing chores? That's what I mean about some people value things differently.

I had a job when my kid was born. We thought the lifestyle was a pointless treadmill. My husband (and my mom and MIL) encouraged me to quit. We had enough money and retirement saved that we just needed to downsize to be happy.