3rd grade DD circle of friends excluded playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder OP and her DD don't get invited to parties and play dates. I wouldn't want them at my house either.

Can you elaborate? I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

PP here. I have 2 boys. We host multiple play dates per week and packed social lives. I do a mix of kid only drop offs, mom plus kids and entire families. When kids are dropped off, kids go off and play together. If I like the mom, I hang out with the mom while kids play. If dads get along, the whole family hangs out. Repeat invitations go out to kids who play well with my children, are well behaved and create no drama. Parents invited back if they are fun to hang out with. From everything you write about your daughter, I would not want your daughter hanging around me and I would not want to hang out with you either. That is why I would not want you at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder OP and her DD don't get invited to parties and play dates. I wouldn't want them at my house either.

Can you elaborate? I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

PP here. I have 2 boys. We host multiple play dates per week and packed social lives. I do a mix of kid only drop offs, mom plus kids and entire families. When kids are dropped off, kids go off and play together. If I like the mom, I hang out with the mom while kids play. If dads get along, the whole family hangs out. Repeat invitations go out to kids who play well with my children, are well behaved and create no drama. Parents invited back if they are fun to hang out with. From everything you write about your daughter, I would not want your daughter hanging around me and I would not want to hang out with you either. That is why I would not want you at my house.

Peace. I can tell you wouldn't want to hang out with us because we are often friends across gender (moms can hang out with dads and vice versa); we clearly wouldn't mesh with your social structure. Thanks for the clarifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder OP and her DD don't get invited to parties and play dates. I wouldn't want them at my house either.

Can you elaborate? I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

PP here. I have 2 boys. We host multiple play dates per week and packed social lives. I do a mix of kid only drop offs, mom plus kids and entire families. When kids are dropped off, kids go off and play together. If I like the mom, I hang out with the mom while kids play. If dads get along, the whole family hangs out. Repeat invitations go out to kids who play well with my children, are well behaved and create no drama. Parents invited back if they are fun to hang out with. From everything you write about your daughter, I would not want your daughter hanging around me and I would not want to hang out with you either. That is why I would not want you at my house.

Peace. I can tell you wouldn't want to hang out with us because we are often friends across gender (moms can hang out with dads and vice versa); we clearly wouldn't mesh with your social structure. Thanks for the clarifying.

My kids are in elementary school. In our circles, most dads aren't home at 4. Plenty of dads arrange play dates and come to parties without moms. A few parents are divorced. Of course I socialize with dads. That is ridiculous to imply that I don't. Our kids often play outside with neighbors. Talk to dads all the time at sporting events, at school, parties, etc. We get invited to a lot of events and there are always dads present.

OP sounds like she doesn't get invited to anything with or without her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder OP and her DD don't get invited to parties and play dates. I wouldn't want them at my house either.

Can you elaborate? I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

PP here. I have 2 boys. We host multiple play dates per week and packed social lives. I do a mix of kid only drop offs, mom plus kids and entire families. When kids are dropped off, kids go off and play together. If I like the mom, I hang out with the mom while kids play. If dads get along, the whole family hangs out. Repeat invitations go out to kids who play well with my children, are well behaved and create no drama. Parents invited back if they are fun to hang out with. From everything you write about your daughter, I would not want your daughter hanging around me and I would not want to hang out with you either. That is why I would not want you at my house.

Peace. I can tell you wouldn't want to hang out with us because we are often friends across gender (moms can hang out with dads and vice versa); we clearly wouldn't mesh with your social structure. Thanks for the clarifying.

My kids are in elementary school. In our circles, most dads aren't home at 4. Plenty of dads arrange play dates and come to parties without moms. A few parents are divorced. Of course I socialize with dads. That is ridiculous to imply that I don't. Our kids often play outside with neighbors. Talk to dads all the time at sporting events, at school, parties, etc. We get invited to a lot of events and there are always dads present.

OP sounds like she doesn't get invited to anything with or without her daughter.

And so it doesn't sound like a SAHM/WOHM thing, I always offer to host kids with working parents. I have picked up friends from school with written permission of parent. Parent picks up after work and I sometimes offer them dinner. One of my child's closest friends was a single mom. The kid was great and we hosted him all the time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your daughter is as close to these girls as she thinks she is. If the other girls wanted to hang out with your daughter, the other moms would invite your daughter. I am sure these girls are at least having birthday parties and your daughter was not included in the invitation list.

[Anonymous]

I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

OP, it really has nothing to do with gender. I have a boy. He has close friends who are both male and female (somewhat unusual for an 8 year old, but he does). When picking kids to invite over, I consider two things: (1) is this kid a nice person generally (I have no reason to doubt your daughter meets that criteria); and (2) will this kid be able to play with my kid with minimal need for intervention from me so that I can get some other stuff done and so that DS can work on socializing with just the other kid (it doesn't sound like your daughter would meet this criteria). Work on it with her. I am sure she is a great kid and this is something that can be worked out.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: Have you witnessed your child talking with adults when she should be playing with the other children or are you just worried she might do this based on how she interacts with you at home?

It looks to me like we have some PPs that have gone off the rails with assumptions about your daughter based on your descriptions of her being comfortable talking with adults (which many kids are not). My daughter is very comfortable talking with DH and I at home in the evening and sounds a lot like your daughter, but with friends she is off and playing with the other girls and not the least bit interested in what the adults are talking about. How they are with you doesn't necessarily dictate how they would interact with other parents on a play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Have you witnessed your child talking with adults when she should be playing with the other children or are you just worried she might do this based on how she interacts with you at home?

It looks to me like we have some PPs that have gone off the rails with assumptions about your daughter based on your descriptions of her being comfortable talking with adults (which many kids are not). My daughter is very comfortable talking with DH and I at home in the evening and sounds a lot like your daughter, but with friends she is off and playing with the other girls and not the least bit interested in what the adults are talking about. How they are with you doesn't necessarily dictate how they would interact with other parents on a play date.

I don't blame you for not reading closely the entire 6 pages, but in a nutshell, OP's DD questions adults on house rules in host's houses: "Why no markers on the table, we don't have that rule at home". Which goes a little beyond being non-shy with adults. So no, this thread is not entirely off the rails. But the OP is so focused on gender empowerment and Sheryl Sandberg, that she is not able to digest any other views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Have you witnessed your child talking with adults when she should be playing with the other children or are you just worried she might do this based on how she interacts with you at home?

It looks to me like we have some PPs that have gone off the rails with assumptions about your daughter based on your descriptions of her being comfortable talking with adults (which many kids are not). My daughter is very comfortable talking with DH and I at home in the evening and sounds a lot like your daughter, but with friends she is off and playing with the other girls and not the least bit interested in what the adults are talking about. How they are with you doesn't necessarily dictate how they would interact with other parents on a play date.

I don't blame you for not reading closely the entire 6 pages, but in a nutshell, OP's DD questions adults on house rules in host's houses: "Why no markers on the table, we don't have that rule at home". Which goes a little beyond being non-shy with adults. So no, this thread is not entirely off the rails. But the OP is so focused on gender empowerment and Sheryl Sandberg, that she is not able to digest any other views.

I saw the no markers thing, but other than that she keeps saying, DD is like this with us, I wonder if she is like this with other parents. This just seems like another thread where everyone is over thinking things, OP included. OP should just invite some kids over if she wants her child to have some play dates and then see how it goes vs. all this wondering.

FWIW, if a child came to my house and asked about house rules that were different than what he/she was used to in an inquisitive way (vs. a rude way), and only asked once and then complied, that wouldn't bother me at all. Some kids are just inquisitive.

[Anonymous]

It looks to me like we have some PPs that have gone off the rails with assumptions about your daughter based on your descriptions of her being comfortable talking with adults (which many kids are not). My daughter is very comfortable talking with DH and I at home in the evening and sounds a lot like your daughter, but with friends she is off and playing with the other girls and not the least bit interested in what the adults are talking about. How they are with you doesn't necessarily dictate how they would interact with other parents on a play date.

No one has gone off the rails, the comments are based on OP's guess about what might be going on.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

Could be that OP is wrong, but her guess if probably better than ours, since it is her kid. OP, is there one mom or dad you are closer with who you might feel comfortable asking about this issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No wonder OP and her DD don't get invited to parties and play dates. I wouldn't want them at my house either.

Can you elaborate? I have insulted no one, just asked questions and talked about how my goal is to raise a strong girl but am worried that may be a bad fit in how maybe little girls are expected to behave? I honestly don't mean to offend.

PP here. I have 2 boys. We host multiple play dates per week and packed social lives. I do a mix of kid only drop offs, mom plus kids and entire families. When kids are dropped off, kids go off and play together. If I like the mom, I hang out with the mom while kids play. If dads get along, the whole family hangs out. Repeat invitations go out to kids who play well with my children, are well behaved and create no drama. Parents invited back if they are fun to hang out with. From everything you write about your daughter, I would not want your daughter hanging around me and I would not want to hang out with you either. That is why I would not want you at my house.

Peace. I can tell you wouldn't want to hang out with us because we are often friends across gender (moms can hang out with dads and vice versa); we clearly wouldn't mesh with your social structure. Thanks for the clarifying.

OP, she sounds like a complete Type-A over-scheduling, over-parenting bitch. You and your daughter are better off.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8-year-old DD. She has a friend who sounds like OP's DD in that she questions my rules ALL THE TIME. I find it irritating and disrespectful.

On a separate note, I don't always reciprocate playdates generally. Not because I don't like my DD's friends, but because we're busy and my DD is not the type who asks for playdates a lot. However, OP, if your DD thinks these are her BFFs and is not getting invited to b-day parties, something is up. My guess is they don't feel the same way about her. I suggest your DD start trying to expand her group of friends.

[Anonymous]

It is too hard to read through these pages.

OP, don't over think this so much. The solution is pretty obvious. Start actively inviting kids to your house, weekends, days off, whenever. Make it happen. You'll be able to a) create some fun for everyone b) observe your child with other children c) observe other children with your child d) rule out some of your theories.

There is no mystery here. Most people want their kids to have friends and play dates. Not every kid will become a best friend--and that is fine--but if you make an effort, you will get some results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly do end up setting up more play dates with some of the parents I like or find easy to interact with - as well as kids my kids ask about wanting to have play dates with. There's one kid my DS really liked but I found the mom was pretty high maintenance. I'd suggest to keep asking some of the kids over & see if that orders a return invite. Could also ask a whole family over for a bbq or something - although my kids are still 1st grade so might be easier at that age to do that.

+1

It really is more about who you as a parent are friendly with as opposed to just who the kids want to play with. The kids are dependent on parents for coordination and rides. This continues through middle school. So yes, you need to do what you can to meet the other parents and become friendly with them. You do not need to become friends and hang out all the time but they need to know you beyond being "Larla's mom" and saying "hi, how's it going?" every once in a while.

Reach out and set up some playdates. When the mom comes, invite her in for a few minutes to chat and do the same at pick up.

+1+1

DS is 6 and a rising first grader. I'm a WOHM with a flexible schedule, but since DH is a SAHD he's more often doing drop off and pickup, and he's very outgoing in trying to set up playdates, mostly with SAHM moms or nannies. And with the flexibility in my schedule, I've met a lot of the other parents and am pretty hands on at school and related activities. So between DH and me we actively reach out. And not just to arrange scheduled playdates -- in the better weather, whichever of us is doing pick up will often look for a familiar parent/nanny to join us on an impromptu playground visit. When it works it's great. But it's not always so easy. DS is an only though so we have to keep trying without a lot of focus on the niceties (has the parent reciprocated, do we "click" with the parent, etc.) until we get to the promised land of middle school friendships.

[Anonymous]

Op coming at this from a perspective of someone who has a child that sounds a bit like yours, it is something that needs to be worked on. My son (7) will often offer his opinion on things that are totally inappropriate (how it would be better if another family arranged their furniture differently, if Aunt Susie quit smoking (which she does outside only when she visits), if the family adopted our rule of no video games at play dates). It is NOT a becoming characteristic and we are working really hard to help him understand why it is not appropriate for him to say things like this to adults. It is slow going, but I think we are making headway.