3rd grade DD circle of friends excluded playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We host and plan play dates probably 75% of the time. Some people are busy, some disorganized, some people don't care about reciprocating, whatever. If friends are coming over to play dates at your house, she isn't be excluded and I wouldn't worry about it.

I don't really worry about reciprocation when it comes to playdates. If my daughter wants to play with someone, we invite them. If she and the kid(s) have a good time, we'll invite them again. If the girls are having fun, then I don't really keep track of who's inviting. I will say that someone who also take initiative and plans/invites is going to be someone we keep at the top of the list, but if you're talking about your own kid, then just invite who she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the "gulf" is in your head, at least as far as the school families go. Just keep inviting friends over if your daughter enjoys playing with them. We probably host easily 80% of my 2 younger elementary dc playdates, b/c I set them up. Do I sit around wondering why people don't reciprocate? No, b/c who knows what is going on in someone else's life.
If the kids enjoy each other's company, who cares who invites
who?

(As far as the b-ball team goes, there might be a distance there if *all* the other families are involved in volunteering/coaching and you are the only family that "mooches"-not sure if that is the case without more info). If your children play in a rec sports type league, there is an unwritten expectation that at some season, some time, one of the parents will step up to coach, assistant coach, be the snack organizer parent, do the lines for soccer, etc.

1) gulf seems pretty real if they invite all from her circle of friends that were in camp together 3 weeks ago except her.

2) probably we are sport mooches. My DH & I literally know Nothing about sports, and we have younger kids we are watching during practice and games. The other spouse is always at work during these times and no childcare at 6pm and sat unless we hire a babysitter? Is that expected, we'll hire a babysitter to help coach? We try to take the snake arrangement but another family beat is to it, so we just do our turn. Is there something else offline we should be doing? Coach says he has nothing for us but perhaps we asking wrong question.

[Anonymous]

PP, just volunteer to do something eventually, when you get your younger kids are older. Even something like sending out the sign up genius.

[Anonymous]

15:25, most parents with 3+ young children divide and conquer with sports and activities. One parent goes to the game, the other parent does whatever with the younger kids. My DH has coached red soccer several times and I have only sometimes seen that kid's games, b/c I had Moe and Curly at another game or activity. Not doing things en masse is more efficient.

[Anonymous]

If you DD has any behavior issue with adults, work on that. Other than that, it's okay to be a working mom and a busy family, no need to pass on these anxieties and insecurities to your child. Be confident in your setup, decisions and keep on trying to interact (without going crazy).

[Anonymous]

Don't sweat the sports team volunteering thing. Aside from snack sign ups (or other scenarios where parents are rotating through small volunteer efforts that they can sign up for and are not a mystery) there is no bean counting except, apparently, in very isolated situations that I have never witnessed. DH and I have coached various teams for our kids and knowing that someone is willing to step up if we can't be there is awesome, but never has lack of parental volunteer time ever trickled down to affect the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

I don't think you need to teach her not to talk to adults. Teach her to always be polite, not to interrupt, and not to interject herself into a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with her. It's one thing to talk to your parents as part of a general conversation around the dinner table; it's another to butt into a conversation that your friends' parents are having. I certainly don't mind a chatty kid, as long as they aren't rude or know-it-all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so our DD has a circle of friends at school she has known since kindergarten, and at least from her self report they are her best friends and she often plays with them at recess and aftercare.

it seems that her circle of friends are often having playdates at each others houses but DD has never been invited (and these are group playdates not just each other). there is some parental gulf to bridge, since most of her friends have moms who work part time, and we are dual full-time working parents (so we don't tend to hang out after school pickup like they can or have that mom-to-mom bonding).

so my first impulse is to try and host some playdates, but are have had people over and never been reciprocated and not sure if we step it up if it will be?

is or problem that we aren't mom friends with these moms, and having those part-time or SAH mom lunches or coffees where these plans can hatch? or perhaps our daughter who is a bit brash is just not that close to her friends as she thinks? or as a playdate guest the parents find her tiring (though i wish folks would tell us if she is a poor guest).

so is it possible we have some behavioral issues with our DD making real friends and behaving at other's houses or is it just a mom group thing that we are outside of b/c we just are at work when they are making plans and connections?

Don't overthink it.

I have been a WOHM and had a better network of moms (and playdates) then, than when I became a SAHM. I actually do not have time to do lunches or coffee with other moms now, because my day is jam-packed with all the stuff that I am doing at home (routine, boring, inescapable, time consuming) and outside of home.

Your daughter has friends at school. That is a good place to start off with. She is not getting excluded at home. You also need her to get into various activities outside of school that keeps her engaged. Go ahead and schedule a few playdates and do not worry if the majority do not reciprocate. I host quite often at home, and usually only 10% of people will reciprocate. People are busy and may not have the time to reciprocate, but I think it is sufficient that they take the time to attend when you host.

Remember that this (playdates) is a phase that gets over very quickly. By middle school they become rare because kids are busy in EC activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

I don't think you need to teach her not to talk to adults. Teach her to always be polite, not to interrupt, and not to interject herself into a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with her. It's one thing to talk to your parents as part of a general conversation around the dinner table; it's another to butt into a conversation that your friends' parents are having. I certainly don't mind a chatty kid, as long as they aren't rude or know-it-all.

OP, I feel like you're using a lot of euphemisms to talk around this. What is "adult talk prone"?
I also think you're playing dumb a bit when you ask if you should teach her to be quiet with other adults. This can't be a real question. You should teach her manners - they are the same for everybody, children and adults. Do you butt into people's conversations out of the blue? That's disrespectful and inappropriate. Do you question someone's house rules when you visit? As in "But why can't we bring our dog to your backyard BBQ?" "But why should we take our shoes off?" Manners and civility are the same for everybody unless you're Maugli raised by animals in the forest. There is not "cultivate culture difference" here. There is "acting civilized", that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

I'm fairly kid-friendly, but if I am having a conversation with my DH and/or another adult, no, I am not interested in your child (who is supposed to be on a play date with my child) interjecting herself into the conversation, whether it is polite of not.

Also, at 8 - she shouldn't be asking anybody about the rules at their house, and why they differ from hers. At 8, she should absolutely understand there are different rules at different homes. And no, I am not interested in explaining to your 8 year old why the rules are what they are at MY house. No ma'am.

[Anonymous]

How do you have playdates if you are dual-working family? Not trying to be rude but playdates are usually right after school until 5pm. How can a working mom host or have their kids go to playdates?

As a part-time working mom, I have never had or been invited to group playdates on the weekends or evenings. Maybe that is a thing elsewhere but it certainly isn't in our school. Weekends are for sports, birthday parties and family time.

I guess your best bet is to host a Friday evening event with parents, a bottle of wine and let the kids play outside. Maybe you can work some friendships for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

I'm fairly kid-friendly, but if I am having a conversation with my DH and/or another adult, no, I am not interested in your child (who is supposed to be on a play date with my child) interjecting herself into the conversation, whether it is polite of not.

Also, at 8 - she shouldn't be asking anybody about the rules at their house, and why they differ from hers. At 8, she should absolutely understand there are different rules at different homes. And no, I am not interested in explaining to your 8 year old why the rules are what they are at MY house. No ma'am.

Wow PP - you are rude as they come. As a sports coach, a girl scout leader, and a mom to multiple kids, any kid coming up to me and talking to me is welcome. Kids are curious. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.

Op here. This is food for thought. DD is perhaps to adult-talk prone-- she definitely feels like she can carry conversation with an adult. We are a pretty chill family, and include kids in most decisions though we do make it clear we set the rules. I guess we should teach her to keep quiet around other adults? She will just want to be part of an adult conversation, like if I am talking to DH about work she will ask about why so-so was being difficult to work with. I can imagine she interjects in other conversations at guest house.

So how do we culture this deference when we aren't there? Just telling probably won't do it because brash and very keen on justice. I don't think she is disrespectful but she will not be afraid to ask questions to someone's mom such as why they have a rule about no markers at the table or something that is different then ours.

Maybe we need to have more adult guests at our house and help her practice? Etiquette classes?

I don't think you need to teach her not to talk to adults. Teach her to always be polite, not to interrupt, and not to interject herself into a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with her. It's one thing to talk to your parents as part of a general conversation around the dinner table; it's another to butt into a conversation that your friends' parents are having. I certainly don't mind a chatty kid, as long as they aren't rude or know-it-all.

OP, I feel like you're using a lot of euphemisms to talk around this. What is "adult talk prone"?
I also think you're playing dumb a bit when you ask if you should teach her to be quiet with other adults. This can't be a real question. You should teach her manners - they are the same for everybody, children and adults. Do you butt into people's conversations out of the blue? That's disrespectful and inappropriate. Do you question someone's house rules when you visit? As in "But why can't we bring our dog to your backyard BBQ?" "But why should we take our shoes off?" Manners and civility are the same for everybody unless you're Maugli raised by animals in the forest. There is not "cultivate culture difference" here. There is "acting civilized", that's all.

Well I don't know how she is with other adults, I just know she likes to be interested in ur conversations about office politics, looking for jobs, and home renovation and costs. We don't intend to include her but she hears us talking about our day. She obviously ask us about our rules, but generally in an inquisitive way than defiance, she is actually generally obedient but may want explanation or try negotiation before complying. I wonder if she does that just with us as parents or other adults.

And honestly even as an adult, it can be tricky to navigate joining a conversation and butting in, like at any social gathering. But we definitely aren't raising kids to the 'seen but not heard' standard, so perhaps we should?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:25, most parents with 3+ young children divide and conquer with sports and activities. One parent goes to the game, the other parent does whatever with the younger kids. My DH has coached red soccer several times and I have only sometimes seen that kid's games, b/c I had Moe and Curly at another game or activity. Not doing things en masse is more efficient.

How do you do that when you both work full time? The drop off parent can't be home by 6 unless they have a commute measured in single digit minutes AND have a job that lets them clock out on the dot.

Usually we are catching up on work on weekend b/c even as it is we are falling behind. Like I said most other parents we know have SAH or PT mom, wish we could afford that...