3rd grade DD circle of friends excluded playdates

[Anonymous]

Would your dd be able to attend a play date if she's in aftercare? Maybe they play dates are 3:30-5:00? When you host what time do you host? My nephews are in after care and do no play dates bc parents can't pick up until 6:15 which is much later than others want kids in their house while trying to get dinner ready etc

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like your child isn't actually close friends with these girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say without actually knowing your DD or her friends and their parents but I would try hosting a few playdates. Watch how your DD interacts with her friends to try to get more insight yourself.

we have hosted some and haven't seen anything out of ordinary. kids run around everyone seems to have a good time. no tears or anything. not sure if she is perhaps to nosey or something at parents house, she is very forthright with grownups but shy with new kids (but ok with her friends obviously)

Can you give a couple of examples of "Very forthright with adults"?

if other kids came to your house already for play dates, obviously the neighborhood you live in is not the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like your child isn't actually close friends with these girls.

So that begs the question is it normal for 3rd grader to have no friends outside of school? Or is it still somewhat parent driven?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like your child isn't actually close friends with these girls.

Though when I see them at school or SACC they are playing together and enthusiastic in their good byes but again I really don't know how to judge little kid friends as i was a latchkey kid growing up and never went to friends house.

[Anonymous]

The stay at home moms are not spending their days having coffees and lunches together like you think.

They are all running in different directions.

"Networking" is occuring at pick up or during sports, dance, scouts, PTA, etc. Most of those are things you can do too, even if you are working.

[Anonymous]

I honestly do end up setting up more play dates with some of the parents I like or find easy to interact with - as well as kids my kids ask about wanting to have play dates with. There's one kid my DS really liked but I found the mom was pretty high maintenance. I'd suggest to keep asking some of the kids over & see if that orders a return invite. Could also ask a whole family over for a bbq or something - although my kids are still 1st grade so might be easier at that age to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stay at home moms are not spending their days having coffees and lunches together like you think.

They are all running in different directions.

"Networking" is occuring at pick up or during sports, dance, scouts, PTA, etc. Most of those are things you can do too, even if you are working.

It seems mostly at pickup, which sadly we can't do. How to bridge this gulf as Wohm and SAHM?

[Anonymous]

I think most of the "gulf" is in your head, at least as far as the school families go. Just keep inviting friends over if your daughter enjoys playing with them. We probably host easily 80% of my 2 younger elementary dc playdates, b/c I set them up. Do I sit around wondering why people don't reciprocate? No, b/c who knows what is going on in someone else's life.
If the kids enjoy each other's company, who cares who invites
who?

(As far as the b-ball team goes, there might be a distance there if *all* the other families are involved in volunteering/coaching and you are the only family that "mooches"-not sure if that is the case without more info). If your children play in a rec sports type league, there is an unwritten expectation that at some season, some time, one of the parents will step up to coach, assistant coach, be the snack organizer parent, do the lines for soccer, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

very rarely, has been invited to some birthday parties. we didn't have a birthday party last year so not sure if folks think they were slighted (do people keep track of that?). we don't really see many people at parties or school events, we do drop off and tend to miss a lot because of work demands.

we will extend more playdate invites, but hard since we don't get home until 6 so weekend only and in summer seems like many people have plans like beach etc.

PP here. I host the most in our circles. I felt like I am always the one who is doing the inviting. After a year or so, people started inviting us to more places. I should note that I was working until my oldest was in kindergarten. I was active in the PTA and met other K parents on field trips and birthday parties. This was when I was working and got home after 5 everyday. Now we do a mix of weekday and weekend play dates. We often just see friends at the pool and make plans when we see one another there.

[Anonymous]

We host and plan play dates probably 75% of the time. Some people are busy, some disorganized, some people don't care about reciprocating, whatever. If friends are coming over to play dates at your house, she isn't be excluded and I wouldn't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOHM with a rising 2nd grader - we rarely do playdates with kids from school. I'd be open to it, but it's just hard to arrange when most of the parents work FT. Sometimes I feel a little left out when I go to school pickup and see a bunch of the PT and SAHMs hanging out at the school playground, but that's just life - our schedules differ.

My daughter goes to extended day and has a few activities so she gets plenty of social interaction. In my mind, that is probably good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly do end up setting up more play dates with some of the parents I like or find easy to interact with - as well as kids my kids ask about wanting to have play dates with. There's one kid my DS really liked but I found the mom was pretty high maintenance. I'd suggest to keep asking some of the kids over & see if that orders a return invite. Could also ask a whole family over for a bbq or something - although my kids are still 1st grade so might be easier at that age to do that.

+1

It really is more about who you as a parent are friendly with as opposed to just who the kids want to play with. The kids are dependent on parents for coordination and rides. This continues through middle school. So yes, you need to do what you can to meet the other parents and become friendly with them. You do not need to become friends and hang out all the time but they need to know you beyond being "Larla's mom" and saying "hi, how's it going?" every once in a while.

Reach out and set up some playdates. When the mom comes, invite her in for a few minutes to chat and do the same at pick up.

[Anonymous]

"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Forthright with adults" sounds like a euphemism for something that could be less pleasant to the adults on the receiving end of it. Personally I love a friendly, chatty, kid but draw the line at kids who act like they are on the level of adults, "correcting" the adult, opining on plans/food/other playdate stuff, trying to run the show themselves, or not listening to instructions. Make sure your kid isn't coming across as obnoxious. I don't mean this to be attacking at all, just offering a point of view.

I am the PP who asked for an example. But the OP didn't come back on it. It could be that the kid is simply non-shy and articulate, or it could be that the kid is a big sass mouth with an attitude and the OP is either oblivious to it or thinks it's a-OK. If it's the latter, that's the answer. Kids copy each other, and parents may not want a rude kid with a poor attitude in their house interacting with their child.