3rd grade DD circle of friends excluded playdates

[Anonymous]

so our DD has a circle of friends at school she has known since kindergarten, and at least from her self report they are her best friends and she often plays with them at recess and aftercare.

it seems that her circle of friends are often having playdates at each others houses but DD has never been invited (and these are group playdates not just each other). there is some parental gulf to bridge, since most of her friends have moms who work part time, and we are dual full-time working parents (so we don't tend to hang out after school pickup like they can or have that mom-to-mom bonding).

so my first impulse is to try and host some playdates, but are have had people over and never been reciprocated and not sure if we step it up if it will be?

is or problem that we aren't mom friends with these moms, and having those part-time or SAH mom lunches or coffees where these plans can hatch? or perhaps our daughter who is a bit brash is just not that close to her friends as she thinks? or as a playdate guest the parents find her tiring (though i wish folks would tell us if she is a poor guest).

so is it possible we have some behavioral issues with our DD making real friends and behaving at other's houses or is it just a mom group thing that we are outside of b/c we just are at work when they are making plans and connections?

[Anonymous]

Hard to say without actually knowing your DD or her friends and their parents but I would try hosting a few playdates. Watch how your DD interacts with her friends to try to get more insight yourself.

[Anonymous]

Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say without actually knowing your DD or her friends and their parents but I would try hosting a few playdates. Watch how your DD interacts with her friends to try to get more insight yourself.

we have hosted some and haven't seen anything out of ordinary. kids run around everyone seems to have a good time. no tears or anything. not sure if she is perhaps to nosey or something at parents house, she is very forthright with grownups but shy with new kids (but ok with her friends obviously)

[Anonymous]

Hard to say. My oldest has been friends with a lot of kids at his school and I have noticed that most social groups form based on living on the same street or being on the same sports teams, etc. These kids see each other a lot either on the street or at practice and games, and the parents become more friendly with each other for the same reason.

I would focus on play dates with kids involved in the same activities with my kid so that those friendship bonds (parents and kids) can be strengthened by familiarity.

[Anonymous]

When are the play dates occurring? Are they occurring while you are at work and your child is at camp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

very rarely, has been invited to some birthday parties. we didn't have a birthday party last year so not sure if folks think they were slighted (do people keep track of that?). we don't really see many people at parties or school events, we do drop off and tend to miss a lot because of work demands.

we will extend more playdate invites, but hard since we don't get home until 6 so weekend only and in summer seems like many people have plans like beach etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When are the play dates occurring? Are they occurring while you are at work and your child is at camp?

after camp right now, but happened after school (but before we got home -- generally moms would pickup each others kids from school/camp -- many were in SACC with us but would pickup like after 10 minutes b/c they work part time some days of the week)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say. My oldest has been friends with a lot of kids at his school and I have noticed that most social groups form based on living on the same street or being on the same sports teams, etc. These kids see each other a lot either on the street or at practice and games, and the parents become more friendly with each other for the same reason.

I would focus on play dates with kids involved in the same activities with my kid so that those friendship bonds (parents and kids) can be strengthened by familiarity.

we have tried really hard to make friends with her basketball team, but its really awkward with the parents. we live in a rundown part of our school zone and there are *no* kids within 3 blocks of us -- trust us we checked. i wonder if we lived on a different street if that is part of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say. My oldest has been friends with a lot of kids at his school and I have noticed that most social groups form based on living on the same street or being on the same sports teams, etc. These kids see each other a lot either on the street or at practice and games, and the parents become more friendly with each other for the same reason.

I would focus on play dates with kids involved in the same activities with my kid so that those friendship bonds (parents and kids) can be strengthened by familiarity.

we have tried really hard to make friends with her basketball team, but its really awkward with the parents. we live in a rundown part of our school zone and there are *no* kids within 3 blocks of us -- trust us we checked. i wonder if we lived on a different street if that is part of it?

to expand, part of it is that the basketball team is all SAHM who get together during the week and the dads are all coaches while my DH is about as sport as a rock. we are friendly but can't click with that group, and honestly our DD is not really close to them even after 3 years -- her core group at school is all she seems to talk about. i just feel bad that if we are missing some sort of social anxiety or behavioral issue, or if she is excluded because of something *we the parents* are doing oblivously.

[Anonymous]

Are there other activities she could join? Scouts, soccer, swimming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there other activities she could join? Scouts, soccer, swimming?

we did a bunch of activities, but its all the same kids from school at soccer and scouts, and swimming is ALL SAHMs because the practices are weekday mornings -- see all the threads about WOHM parents and swim team gripes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

so if it is mostly who the kids ask for, do we think my DD really has no friends? is this normal for 3rd grade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

very rarely, has been invited to some birthday parties. we didn't have a birthday party last year so not sure if folks think they were slighted (do people keep track of that?). we don't really see many people at parties or school events, we do drop off and tend to miss a lot because of work demands.

we will extend more playdate invites, but hard since we don't get home until 6 so weekend only and in summer seems like many people have plans like beach etc.

Sometimes you just have to be the ones putting in the extra effort. We know a few kids who aren't going away or doing camp this summer but we're still the ones to chase them up for a play date and all of them are willing to have the play dates, its just a case of being organized.

I always used to think that parenting was like being a nurse maid and then being a personal assistant. This is the personal assistant phase where you have to schedule their meetings!

Also I wouldn't take it personally the group thing. Some folks are just very lazy and go for the easiest options. if that is the friend who has a kid the same age and lives on the same street - then they may just stick with that scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD has never had a play date with these friends since K? Does she get invited to birthday parties?

I'm a SAHM and host group play dates. My kids are 5 and 7. I invite both kids of working parents and stay at home parents. I typically extend invitation when I see family at a birthday party or school event. Play dates are based on who my child asks to play with. We do play dates regularly with 3 kids.

very rarely, has been invited to some birthday parties. we didn't have a birthday party last year so not sure if folks think they were slighted (do people keep track of that?). we don't really see many people at parties or school events, we do drop off and tend to miss a lot because of work demands.

we will extend more playdate invites, but hard since we don't get home until 6 so weekend only and in summer seems like many people have plans like beach etc.

Sometimes you just have to be the ones putting in the extra effort. We know a few kids who aren't going away or doing camp this summer but we're still the ones to chase them up for a play date and all of them are willing to have the play dates, its just a case of being organized.

I always used to think that parenting was like being a nurse maid and then being a personal assistant. This is the personal assistant phase where you have to schedule their meetings!

Also I wouldn't take it personally the group thing. Some folks are just very lazy and go for the easiest options. if that is the friend who has a kid the same age and lives on the same street - then they may just stick with that scenario.

they aren't on same street, but they did see each other after school almost every day so i know the parents communicate more.