Inflexible family gathering

[Anonymous]

Option E - your husband goes on his own.

I wouldn't do a 5 hour road trip with a baby - my girls hated the car and have thrown up on a good portion of the few road trips we've attempted.

If this was a family function DH enjoyed, I'd encourage him to go, send my apologies for missing it this year, and join in next time.

[Anonymous]

It seems weird to me that the MIL would EVER schedule a party on evening of the last day of a holiday weekend knowing that your family would have to take leave to attend....especially when there is another easy alternative. Even without the details of your specific situation, most working folks just don't have that kind of leave to spare.

I'm guessing that you're the only family member who has to travel to family events? Glad that you're not twisting yourself in knots now, since the scheduling is not going to get any easier when your kids get older - hopefully your MIl will become a bit more empathetic to your scheduling issues.

fWIW, I grew up doing 4 hour weekend road trips to visit extended family, on a regular basis. We made it work...but had to be pretty hardcore about timing....out the door by 1 or 2 pm to get home, no matter how much my grandma wished that we could 'stay just a little bit longer.'

[Anonymous]

I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

[Anonymous]

If they do this every single year, then why not be flexible for ONE BLOODY YEAR to accommodate a very small baby and a mother who has used all of her leave for the very good cause of giving them another grandchild? My goodness. In 10 years time, no one will remember that they ate a hot dog off a red-and-white paper plate on the 3rd instead of the 4th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

To be fair to OP, she's going to be doing this with a newborn infant. I think most people will understand her desire to avoid the worst of the holiday traffic. It might depend on OP's tolerance for traffic. I can barely handle it under the best of circumstances (DH gets less flustered than me)...with a newborn who may require frequent stops? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP! What happens with July 4th is on a Wednesday? Does she still have the get together on Wednesday and is everyone expected to attend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP! What happens with July 4th is on a Wednesday? Does she still have the get together on Wednesday and is everyone expected to attend?

OP here. Yes. She is very into "the day is the day."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP! What happens with July 4th is on a Wednesday? Does she still have the get together on Wednesday and is everyone expected to attend?

OP here. Yes. She is very into "the day is the day."

Ugh. July 4, 2017 is on a Tuesday. I predict you're going to stop using leave to attend this event in the future. It's going to be a while before you can bank sufficient leave to deal with illnesses, appointments, etc. Let 2016 be the year you stop trying to make it on the 'day of days'. Just doesn't work for you any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

I'm the first quoted PP. Yes, I agree, the MIL values the date over reworking the party to accommodate everyone. I just don't understand what the big deal is, I guess. I wouldn't get upset that a family member didn't change a Fourth of July party to another date if that family member is big on celebrating on the actual date. But I would also assess my own priorities and decide whether or not to deal with the hassle of traffic. All sides are prioritizing. I actually don't think anyone is really wrong, EXCEPT if any of them are being jerks about it. So if the MIL is being mean and nasty about OP not attending, that's not cool. And it's not cool for OP to be pissed that her MIL doesn't want to change her tradition. That's just my take on it.

And, FWIW, I have multiple children and understand that long trips (especially with bad traffic) suck, but it truly is an issue of prioritizing your desire to avoid traffic if you don't go because of that. I am not saying whether that is bad or good, it's just the priority, which could be totally legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

I'm the first quoted PP. Yes, I agree, the MIL values the date over reworking the party to accommodate everyone. I just don't understand what the big deal is, I guess. I wouldn't get upset that a family member didn't change a Fourth of July party to another date if that family member is big on celebrating on the actual date. But I would also assess my own priorities and decide whether or not to deal with the hassle of traffic. All sides are prioritizing. I actually don't think anyone is really wrong, EXCEPT if any of them are being jerks about it. So if the MIL is being mean and nasty about OP not attending, that's not cool. And it's not cool for OP to be pissed that her MIL doesn't want to change her tradition. That's just my take on it.

And, FWIW, I have multiple children and understand that long trips (especially with bad traffic) suck, but it truly is an issue of prioritizing your desire to avoid traffic if you don't go because of that. I am not saying whether that is bad or good, it's just the priority, which could be totally legitimate.

Just tell a screaming baby in a car seat that "It's just a matter of prioritizing, sweetie!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

I'm the first quoted PP. Yes, I agree, the MIL values the date over reworking the party to accommodate everyone. I just don't understand what the big deal is, I guess. I wouldn't get upset that a family member didn't change a Fourth of July party to another date if that family member is big on celebrating on the actual date. But I would also assess my own priorities and decide whether or not to deal with the hassle of traffic. All sides are prioritizing. I actually don't think anyone is really wrong, EXCEPT if any of them are being jerks about it. So if the MIL is being mean and nasty about OP not attending, that's not cool. And it's not cool for OP to be pissed that her MIL doesn't want to change her tradition. That's just my take on it.

And, FWIW, I have multiple children and understand that long trips (especially with bad traffic) suck, but it truly is an issue of prioritizing your desire to avoid traffic if you don't go because of that. I am not saying whether that is bad or good, it's just the priority, which could be totally legitimate.

Just tell a screaming baby in a car seat that "It's just a matter of prioritizing, sweetie!"

PP again. Obviously, that would not happen. I have traveled with infants before, I know it is not fun. It takes at least three times the normal time because you have to pull over for feedings, calming down, diaper changes, etc. I get that it's not fun at all. And I said that it is totally legitimate to choose not to do that. But that is a choice. They would have to travel with an infant anyway even if the date changed, just for a shorter time. I don't see the problem with not going because it is a pain, but I think it's strange that some are annoyed that the MIL won't change the date of a party that celebrates a specific date because OP has no leave due to other things.

OP initially just asked for thoughts on what to do, so it didn't seem like she was blowing it out of proportion or demanding things. I simply pointed out that it's a matter of priorities. I wouldn't go into leave debt to visit, but, personally, I would just go on the 4th because I like that holiday and visiting family, even with an infant. But if that's just too much to handle, that's totally understandable.

As I said, I just don't understand why it's so upsetting unless someone is making a huge deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

I'm the first quoted PP. Yes, I agree, the MIL values the date over reworking the party to accommodate everyone. I just don't understand what the big deal is, I guess. I wouldn't get upset that a family member didn't change a Fourth of July party to another date if that family member is big on celebrating on the actual date. But I would also assess my own priorities and decide whether or not to deal with the hassle of traffic. All sides are prioritizing. I actually don't think anyone is really wrong, EXCEPT if any of them are being jerks about it. So if the MIL is being mean and nasty about OP not attending, that's not cool. And it's not cool for OP to be pissed that her MIL doesn't want to change her tradition. That's just my take on it.

And, FWIW, I have multiple children and understand that long trips (especially with bad traffic) suck, but it truly is an issue of prioritizing your desire to avoid traffic if you don't go because of that. I am not saying whether that is bad or good, it's just the priority, which could be totally legitimate.

Just tell a screaming baby in a car seat that "It's just a matter of prioritizing, sweetie!"

PP again. Obviously, that would not happen. I have traveled with infants before, I know it is not fun. It takes at least three times the normal time because you have to pull over for feedings, calming down, diaper changes, etc. I get that it's not fun at all. And I said that it is totally legitimate to choose not to do that. But that is a choice. They would have to travel with an infant anyway even if the date changed, just for a shorter time. I don't see the problem with not going because it is a pain, but I think it's strange that some are annoyed that the MIL won't change the date of a party that celebrates a specific date because OP has no leave due to other things.

OP initially just asked for thoughts on what to do, so it didn't seem like she was blowing it out of proportion or demanding things. I simply pointed out that it's a matter of priorities. I wouldn't go into leave debt to visit, but, personally, I would just go on the 4th because I like that holiday and visiting family, even with an infant. But if that's just too much to handle, that's totally understandable.

As I said, I just don't understand why it's so upsetting unless someone is making a huge deal about it.

MIL is annoying because the "master goal"--family gathering to spend time with one another (and meet a new baby)--CAN be achieved without anyone needing to fight traffic with an infant, or go into leave debt. But she won't budge because she wants to put hamburgers on paper plates on a Monday instead of a Sunday. SMDH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this is an issue, except that MIL seems upset that OP and her husband won't be there for long. IMO, it's totally reasonable to host a July 4 BBQ on July 4 - it's more than a family tradition, it's more like a national holiday celebration. But it also seems fine that OP and her husband don't want to go because of the baby and the lack of vacation days. So the issue really seems that the MIL is upset that OP and her husband won't be there the whole time. This is probably one circumstance that I would suck it up and stay for several hours if you are going anyway. I get that traffic sucks, but is it worth it to you to hang out with the relatives? You frame this as if your MIL is making her planning more important than yours, but it is what it is so if you want to see the relatives, you should do it and just handle the drive. This is more about what you want - your MIL isn't stopping you guys from hanging out. Your MIL is being unreasonable in being mad, though she wouldn't be unreasonable in believing that you value an easier drive over spending time with relatives.

OP and her husband do value spending time with family- that's why they asked around to see if it would inconvenience anyone if it were held on the 3rd instead. The MIL values the date over family, which is why she is unmoving despite the fact that no one would care if it was on the third. All of this 'what's more important to you' talk should be reserved for the MIL.

Exactly. If her husband asked his cousins or whomever if the 3rd works for them, and it does, than this is a matter of MIL caring more about THE DATE than time with family that works for everyone.

I'm the first quoted PP. Yes, I agree, the MIL values the date over reworking the party to accommodate everyone. I just don't understand what the big deal is, I guess. I wouldn't get upset that a family member didn't change a Fourth of July party to another date if that family member is big on celebrating on the actual date. But I would also assess my own priorities and decide whether or not to deal with the hassle of traffic. All sides are prioritizing. I actually don't think anyone is really wrong, EXCEPT if any of them are being jerks about it. So if the MIL is being mean and nasty about OP not attending, that's not cool. And it's not cool for OP to be pissed that her MIL doesn't want to change her tradition. That's just my take on it.

And, FWIW, I have multiple children and understand that long trips (especially with bad traffic) suck, but it truly is an issue of prioritizing your desire to avoid traffic if you don't go because of that. I am not saying whether that is bad or good, it's just the priority, which could be totally legitimate.

Just tell a screaming baby in a car seat that "It's just a matter of prioritizing, sweetie!"

PP again. Obviously, that would not happen. I have traveled with infants before, I know it is not fun. It takes at least three times the normal time because you have to pull over for feedings, calming down, diaper changes, etc. I get that it's not fun at all. And I said that it is totally legitimate to choose not to do that. But that is a choice. They would have to travel with an infant anyway even if the date changed, just for a shorter time. I don't see the problem with not going because it is a pain, but I think it's strange that some are annoyed that the MIL won't change the date of a party that celebrates a specific date because OP has no leave due to other things.

OP initially just asked for thoughts on what to do, so it didn't seem like she was blowing it out of proportion or demanding things. I simply pointed out that it's a matter of priorities. I wouldn't go into leave debt to visit, but, personally, I would just go on the 4th because I like that holiday and visiting family, even with an infant. But if that's just too much to handle, that's totally understandable.

As I said, I just don't understand why it's so upsetting unless someone is making a huge deal about it.

MIL is annoying because the "master goal"--family gathering to spend time with one another (and meet a new baby)--CAN be achieved without anyone needing to fight traffic with an infant, or go into leave debt. But she won't budge because she wants to put hamburgers on paper plates on a Monday instead of a Sunday. SMDH

Your mistake is thinking that the master goal revolves around OP, her baby, and her vacation days for a completely separate vacation that nobody at the party is going to except her. The world does not revolve around OP in that way. It is perfectly understandable for local family to want to celebrate a holiday together on the actual day of the holiday. If OP does not want to travel that day, perfectly fine. If MIL bitches about her missing the party that is on her. If OP still wants to have a little get together with the in laws in that town on a different day, she should schedule and plan it herself, not expect everyone to revolve around her.