Inflexible family gathering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expected something different from the title OP ... it is hardly "inflexible" to want to have your 4th of July party on the 4th! It was pretty ballsy of you to ask to change it just for the sake of saving a vacation day. Anyway, I'd say go and come back late on the 4th.

Actually, it's pretty much the definition of inflexible, especially with this much notice and given OP's situation. It's hardly 'ballsy'. It's a 4th of July party, not a wedding.

It's not a 4th of July party on the 3rd! People like family traditions like that.

Really? Really. You can't grill a few burgers and drink a few beers and use red, white and blue decor on the 3rd, and then have a nice breakfast and enjoy some leftovers and some fireworks on the 4th? You just can't? Because "tradition" trumps family?

Tradition may not trump family, but it sure trumps OP's plan to rearrange her inlaw's 4th just so she can save a vacation day to go to the Grand Canyon (without them) later in the summer.

PS: I think it's fine for OP to skip the barbecue; I just think it is really rich to try to rearrange a whole holiday plan of many other people just so you can save a vacation day for yourself ... super rude. Just skip it, don't act like the world revolves around your vacation!

It's a backyard BBQ, FFS. No one else in the family was upset by the idea of grilling hot dogs on the 3rd instead of the 4th.

FWIW, my mom's extended family celebrates Christmas the day after Christmas. Why? Because everyone has multiple family obligations because of in-laws, etc., and so they moved the day so that everyone would be able to make it. The number on the calendar isn't the important part, it's the family around the table. OP's MIL is missing the forest for the trees.

[Anonymous]

But no one is suggesting OP should not use her vacation days to take the Grand Canyon trip - that makes sense. But it does seem unfair to get worked up about MIL not changing the date of the party because she has no vacation days - she does, but is choosing to use them for something else. It's fair for MIL to keep the party on the 4th and fair for OP not to go or to leave early. It's not fair for OP to be upset that MIL won't change the party (and it doesn't sound like she is - just responding to the general posts on the matter).

I've got a fucked up family of origin and my ILs aren't the greatest. However, we can all appreciate limited number of days off and trying to work schedules. I would absolutely consider moving the date of my get-together in order to eliminate the need for them to take leave and, as messed up as they are, so would my family and ILs. We'd all appreciate having to build up leave reserves after 2 maternity leaves and the wanting to go on a spectacular trip to the Grand Canyon.

[Anonymous]

You will just tell them, we fly back home this day so I doubt we will make it after a long flight and with baby.

You can't change their mind if they don't want to. Plus, you see them often so it's not a big deal. If they give you a hard time about it, fine, go see them the weekend before or after.

[Anonymous]

Just skip it. My ILs are having their (once in a lifetime) 50th anniversary party one week before my due date this summer...and since it involves a flight and long drive we are obviously not going. They invited my parents, and my mom thought it was really weird they didn't hold it a month or so earlier so that we could attend. My parents would have done that, because our attendance would've been way more important to them than holding it closer to the exact date of their anniversary. It isn't on the exact date, BTW, it's the Saturday after. And, yes, it was planned after we had already announced we were expecting.

But every family is different. If your attendance was super important, your MIL would accommodate. It's just a small 4th of July BBQ, so I can understand why she would want to hold it on the 4th...but that doesn't also mean she can demand that you come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expected something different from the title OP ... it is hardly "inflexible" to want to have your 4th of July party on the 4th! It was pretty ballsy of you to ask to change it just for the sake of saving a vacation day. Anyway, I'd say go and come back late on the 4th.

Actually, it's pretty much the definition of inflexible, especially with this much notice and given OP's situation. It's hardly 'ballsy'. It's a 4th of July party, not a wedding.

It's not a 4th of July party on the 3rd! People like family traditions like that.

Really? Really. You can't grill a few burgers and drink a few beers and use red, white and blue decor on the 3rd, and then have a nice breakfast and enjoy some leftovers and some fireworks on the 4th? You just can't? Because "tradition" trumps family?

Tradition may not trump family, but it sure trumps OP's plan to rearrange her inlaw's 4th just so she can save a vacation day to go to the Grand Canyon (without them) later in the summer.

Backyard BBQ, or once-in-a-lifetime trip that has been planned for two years? Hmm...which is more important?

But no one is suggesting OP should not use her vacation days to take the Grand Canyon trip - that makes sense. But it does seem unfair to get worked up about MIL not changing the date of the party because she has no vacation days - she does, but is choosing to use them for something else. It's fair for MIL to keep the party on the 4th and fair for OP not to go or to leave early. It's not fair for OP to be upset that MIL won't change the party (and it doesn't sound like she is - just responding to the general posts on the matter).

Who is getting "worked up"? OP is asking what people think she should do in this situation. It's not like she's screaming obscenities about MIL, she's asking for advice on how to best proceed. OP doesn't even seem upset. You are reading a lot into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just skip it. My ILs are having their (once in a lifetime) 50th anniversary party one week before my due date this summer...and since it involves a flight and long drive we are obviously not going. They invited my parents, and my mom thought it was really weird they didn't hold it a month or so earlier so that we could attend. My parents would have done that, because our attendance would've been way more important to them than holding it closer to the exact date of their anniversary. It isn't on the exact date, BTW, it's the Saturday after. And, yes, it was planned after we had already announced we were expecting.

But every family is different. If your attendance was super important, your MIL would accommodate. It's just a small 4th of July BBQ, so I can understand why she would want to hold it on the 4th...but that doesn't also mean she can demand that you come.

Wow, this one takes the cake! How odd that they wouldn't want to include their entire family in this milestone event. Yes, "the date" is important for an anniversary party, but there is no way it is more important than the actual attendees who are family!

[Anonymous]

December 25th isn't even really the birthday of Jesus. Tell that to MIL for perspective about a small, family-only Fourth celebration. If she doesn't have it on Sunday, don't go.

[Anonymous]

As a total side note, the Grand Canyon - in august - with a baby? Holy hot.

[Anonymous]

I'd go for the weekend, but leave early. Don't worry about the party - go do a little visit and hit the road before the bad traffic.

It's a shame, but it's not going to work out this year to be there on the 4th - new baby, lack of vacation time, etc.

I don't agree with others suggesting that you "throw the baby out with the bathwater" and skip the entire weekend though. It will seem like you're being petty or punishing. Instead, just go and hit the road early to avoid the traffic (you do have two little ones afterall).

[Anonymous]

OP, any job that vacation "bean counts"s sucks. Get something more flexy. -Tenured professor who is loving the summer right now!

[Anonymous]

Not unreasonable for them not to move a 4th party away from the 4th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, any job that vacation "bean counts"s sucks. Get something more flexy. -Tenured professor who is loving the summer right now!

How much do you want to bet that this poster is a man who will never have to use literally all of his leave to have a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just skip it. My ILs are having their (once in a lifetime) 50th anniversary party one week before my due date this summer...and since it involves a flight and long drive we are obviously not going. They invited my parents, and my mom thought it was really weird they didn't hold it a month or so earlier so that we could attend. My parents would have done that, because our attendance would've been way more important to them than holding it closer to the exact date of their anniversary. It isn't on the exact date, BTW, it's the Saturday after. And, yes, it was planned after we had already announced we were expecting.

But every family is different. If your attendance was super important, your MIL would accommodate. It's just a small 4th of July BBQ, so I can understand why she would want to hold it on the 4th...but that doesn't also mean she can demand that you come.

Wow, this one takes the cake! How odd that they wouldn't want to include their entire family in this milestone event. Yes, "the date" is important for an anniversary party, but there is no way it is more important than the actual attendees who are family!

PP here, and that's what I think. But DH doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, so whatever, I guess. It's not that his family isn't close or anything, they're just really different about this kind of stuff. It's extra weird because they pretty much never plan big parties, unlike my family. The last big event they planned was an engagement/pre-wedding party at their house for people who wouldn't be able to travel to my hometown for the wedding...and this party is a lot bigger and fancier than that one. But, yeah, it's pretty weird. My mom actually thinks DH should still go on his own if I haven't had the baby, but he's against it. We'll play it by ear when we're a little closer...I have a feeling the baby will already be born by then anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any job that vacation "bean counts"s sucks. Get something more flexy. -Tenured professor who is loving the summer right now!

How much do you want to bet that this poster is a man who will never have to use literally all of his leave to have a baby?

I am a man. Living the dream. I work for 6-7 months out of the year and have a great paying job. Very few responsibilities. It pretty much rocks.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, any job that vacation "bean counts"s sucks. Get something more flexy. -Tenured professor who is loving the summer right now![/quote]

How much do you want to bet that this poster is a man who will never have to use literally all of his leave to have a baby?[/quote]

I am a man. Living the dream. I work for 6-7 months out of the year and have a great paying job. Very few responsibilities. It pretty much rocks.[/quote]

Wow, you are an ass. Sorry. And I say this as a tenured professor myself, although one who also works in the summer because I actually do the research (and mentor PhDs) that tenured professors are supposed to be doing as part of being tenured. Guessing you're not first on the list for the pay raises your school gives out being such a leach.

But more generally, realistically many jobs that don't "suck" have specific leave times and vacation times. Grow up.

(Prof and woman who actually wasn't able to take maternity leave because it created massive trails of paperwork for my research program)

Oh and op either go to the ILs and come back Monday morning or don't go. Enjoy your baby (and your vacation). Congrats!