Stop it with 'gaslighting' and 'borderline'

[Anonymous]

Both terms are probably overused on these boards, but hearing about gas lighting on DCUM was a revelation to me. Remember, some of the posts may be off base, but they still might be useful to someone.

If you've been around a long time and get upset by these types of posts, perhaps you need to branch out and try another forum or website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many people toss around terms that they don't really understand (calling someone bipolar because of mood swings, etc.). And some people really know the diagnosis.

My sister is borderline - she has been diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists and has been committed more times than I can count. She is undoubtedly borderline. But I'm not super offended if people use the term lightly. Honestly, if they are exaggerating, I'm kind of glad they don't have to handle the real deal, which can be excruciating and awful. I love my sister, but her disorder has colored my life and is terrifying, maddening, upsetting, and pity-inducing all at once. She, however, is on the extreme end of the spectrum.

My sister is the same. Are your parents in the picture? Does your sister work? On disability? How does she manage to live on her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that I get a little surprised when I see BPD bandied about on this board because the examples used, like the narcissistic MILs, seem so far removed from my BPD-diagnosed sibling.

Perhaps her case is extreme, but my BPD sister is so far from being able to have a relationship long enough to marry and raise children, or hold down any kind of job, or even live on her own, that the annoying MILs I read about seem to exist on another planet. Again, my understanding of the disease is limited to my own experience and there must be a spectrum of the disorder, but overuse of the term can belittle those who truly have a crippling problem.

Wow, very similar cases. Curious about how she is managing. Mine is trying to get on disability but hates being 'told what to' by therapists and is looking for someone to just take care of her. Dependent personality coexists. Parents fed into it, what a mess. Has to want to get better but not sure how to get there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many people toss around terms that they don't really understand (calling someone bipolar because of mood swings, etc.). And some people really know the diagnosis.

My sister is borderline - she has been diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists and has been committed more times than I can count. She is undoubtedly borderline. But I'm not super offended if people use the term lightly. Honestly, if they are exaggerating, I'm kind of glad they don't have to handle the real deal, which can be excruciating and awful. I love my sister, but her disorder has colored my life and is terrifying, maddening, upsetting, and pity-inducing all at once. She, however, is on the extreme end of the spectrum.

My sister is the same. Are your parents in the picture? Does your sister work? On disability? How does she manage to live on her own?

I'm sorry you are in this situation too. It truly is horrible. My parents are in the picture and they fund her completely. She has had one job that lasted for two months when she was 30 (she's 47 now). She has an associate's degree and she is actually extremely smart. I have tried to get her to look into disability, etc., but she refuses and says it's degrading. She says she can work, but that people just need to understand her. That is just now the case, unfortunately, as she is just so unstable that she truly cannot hold down a job. I am extremely concerned about her, especially as she gets older because my parents are not going to be around forever and they basically have depleted all of their money caring for her. I don't have the money to support her - I just don't have it - and she could never move in because she is so destructive and occasionally violent and I cannot subject my kids to that.

The whole situation is so incredibly sad. I feel bad for myself, but then I realize what she is going through is so much worse. She alternates between accusing me of all sorts of things and yelling at me, to begging me for help that she can never actually describe. When I ask her what she needs, she usually breaks down and tells me there actually is nothing I can do. She is in a lot of pain from her mental illness, and she has been in every kind of therapy. I used to try to talk to her about how to improve things, but I have realized that, sadly, there is nothing I can do. I am not sure what the future holds for her, but she has had a very painful life, thanks to how she was treated as a child and her mental illness. I would not wish BPD on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

14:25 your post resonates with me so much. Replace associates degree with MBA and my brother is your sister.

He's completely dependent on our parents. He'll go about two years not answering my calls and then frantically beg and scream for one kind of help: a lawyer. He's fixated on the idea that although life has been unfair to him the legal system will fix it. This is not the case- he has imaginary claims against everyone from my parents to business contacts from a decade ago.

I'm a lawyer and he gets mad at me when I say there's no legal answer here or when I tell him he'll look at his documents and then advise (documents are imaginary; he'll usually dodge and say his adversary has the documents and we have to file a lawsuit to get them).

I don't know what he'll do when my parents go. He won't get on disability either.

[Anonymous]

PP with sis sounds borderline, PP with brother sounds schizophrenic (which actually may be more treatable).

Let me be very clear, if they have never worked, they will only be eligible for SSI which is like $700 month. They can own a property to live in and still be eligible; if you pay for their rent or food, that will drop their stipend significantly. So it's best to set them up in a place of their own that will allow eligibility. Do this now before all your parents resources are gone.

Also, if you parents have the fund, look into Gunderson Residence in McLean Hospital, but it is $$$$ so may not be option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with sis sounds borderline, PP with brother sounds schizophrenic (which actually may be more treatable).

Let me be very clear, if they have never worked, they will only be eligible for SSI which is like $700 month. They can own a property to live in and still be eligible; if you pay for their rent or food, that will drop their stipend significantly. So it's best to set them up in a place of their own that will allow eligibility. Do this now before all your parents resources are gone.

Also, if you parents have the fund, look into Gunderson Residence in McLean Hospital, but it is $$$$ so may not be option.

This is the PP with the BPD sister. Thanks for the information. I know disability won't be much - I'm hoping that she could be eligible for Medicaid too, and I have begged my parents to talk to a lawyer to set up a trust that wouldn't impact getting benefits. I bet they have enough money to buy a very small apartment for her (they live in a much cheaper city than DC), but they seem in perpetual denial. I have tried everything with them - from cutting them off until they come up with a plan for my sister after they die to basically begging them to contemplate the situation once they die. They keep telling me this is not my responsibility and I shouldn't care, but that is just insane. I admit to having a fair amount of anger towards them for their handling of the situation. My mom's behavior certainly impacted my sister's mental health and now they just seem to think that she will just have to face the consequences when they die, which seems inhumane. It is a mess. The mental health system in this country is a disgrace, and I wish I could win the lottery to support my sister. I often daydream of finding a very high-paying job just so I don't have to worry about it. But the truth is I will never make that kind of money, and my husband basically hates her because she has had some pretty despicable behavior.

Sadly, my sister has already been in McLean. It cost a ton of money and, unfortunately, did not really help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with sis sounds borderline, PP with brother sounds schizophrenic (which actually may be more treatable).

Let me be very clear, if they have never worked, they will only be eligible for SSI which is like $700 month. They can own a property to live in and still be eligible; if you pay for their rent or food, that will drop their stipend significantly. So it's best to set them up in a place of their own that will allow eligibility. Do this now before all your parents resources are gone.

Also, if you parents have the fund, look into Gunderson Residence in McLean Hospital, but it is $$$$ so may not be option.

I'm the PP with a brother. He is not schizophrenic. He has BPD acquired through a combination of trauma and genetics. His lawyer delusion is more of a retelling of history than a hallucination. He knows on some level that there is no magic legal answer. Just as PP's sister imagines others to be at fault for her job troubles, my brother projects his problems onto the legal system. when he's cornered he comes up with more complex excuses.

Good rule of thumb- the family member who's been dealing with it for a decade is more likely to know the diagnosis than someone who reads one post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So would you like a copy of our relative's dx signed by a doctor OP? How would you like us to verify these dx's for you before we post? Because it's important for me to make sure you're happy with my posts asking for help dealing with my, actually diagnosed, IL's.

Ugh. If there is an official diagnosis, say so. If you're simply angry with your MIL for whatever reason, don't tell people she's borderline. See how easy this is?

NP here. Why are you people so invested in OP's relationship with her MIL? Why so mean about how she deals w/ someone who seems, by any objective standard, troubled and difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


For my mil, one of the big recognizable things is the idea of "splitting". In her world, people are either all good or all bad. My dh was the "good" one, his brother the "bad" one. I was the "good" dil, my sil was the "bad" one. Until I wasn't, of course. Her reactions to everything are extreme. She's never just miffed about something, she's furious about it. No one makes an innocent mistake in her world - they are out to get her and take her down and are horrible, damaged people who will never change. And they need help of course, but she is just fine and needs no help, thankyouverymuch.

OMG, this is my mom. Over and over, a new person entering family is "good" (perfect, wonderful, my mom loves this person), then they do something - could be the most minor thing you can think of that no one else would bat an eye at and then they turn "bad" and they are forever bad no matter what. Any time their name comes up my mom spews the most hateful and vile comments you can imagine. But to the person's face, she couldn't be nicer.

My mom is constantly "horrified" over the most normal everyday things people do. She speaks ill of her closest, oldest, dearest, kindest friends. She is jealous of everyone. She thinks nothing of criticizing my choices, my home (where she's happy to "vacation") and everything in it. I spend as little time with her as possible. She's a complete phony and somehow has almost everyone fooled.