How to tell my fiancé to stop always waking me up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg it's getting out of hand! I have a chronic condition and I get very tired. I work and after my shifts I am usually exhausted. I come home and sleep for 2 hrs or so before getting up to do chores, cook and watch tv/chill with him. He is constantly waking me up. If it's in the morning or I'm napping he will just stand next to the bed and call my name until I wake up. Sometimes I wake up to him shaking me awake to ask a question or tell me something.

I have asked him to stop. He replied that he doesn't wake me up. And also I wake him up sometimes. Ugh. Fwi, I wake him up for important things like if his alarm clock is chiming and he doesn't hear it not to tell him that I'm leaving the house to walk the dog. It's like when normal people have the thought "oh she's asleep" he doesn't and he just barged to wake me up. Advice?

NP here. When you come home from shift work, go to the guest room or any room that had a door and lock and lock the door. Tell him when you are in the guest room with the door locked, that he can text you anything he needs and he should not come in. Period. There is no way for him to deny that he woke you up if he is coming into a locked room. If you have a guest room, you rest/sleep there so that if he has some lame excuse that he needs to be in the bedroom, he can still go into his own bedroom but he should have no valid reason to need to go into the guest room while you are resting.

As for the morning, try getting a nightshade eye cover. Tell him that if you are wearing this, that he should stay away from the bed. You will take it off when you wake up. He will know that until you take it off, the house needs to be burning down before he wakes you. You can also train him; each time he wakes you up, make sure that either an hour after he goes to bed or an hour before he needs to get up that you wake him up to tell him how much you love him and how happy you are to be getting married.

[Anonymous]

You're not planning on having kids, right OP? This dynamic is not going to work with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another example. This morning, he comes in from going to the gym early. He comes in the house at 6 am. I'm asleep. He comes into the room and starts asking me what do I want for breakfast. He shakes me awake to ask if i want cereal because we are out of milk. Basically he's asking if I would like for him to go pick up some milk. This is what I mean by he is a sweet caring guy who means well but he kind of misfires when it comes to being sweet.

Seriously? He's not the only one misfiring. You are making excuses for him. What, exactly, about that is sweet?

[Anonymous]

This really does sound like emotional abuse to me. Or maybe ASD for him.

[Anonymous]

Does no one else think that since OP has been gone all day at work, commutes home and then sleeps for two hours that maybe the poor man is lonely? Maybe he wants some love? Condition of not its pretty weird to be gone all day and not spend time with your fiancé when you get home.

His is this going to work with kids in the future if you need so much rest. Live in nanny maybe?

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking ASD too. That or he's a total asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another example. This morning, he comes in from going to the gym early. He comes in the house at 6 am. I'm asleep. He comes into the room and starts asking me what do I want for breakfast. He shakes me awake to ask if i want cereal because we are out of milk. Basically he's asking if I would like for him to go pick up some milk. This is what I mean by he is a sweet caring guy who means well but he kind of misfires when it comes to being sweet.

You give him too much credit. He woke you up as punishment for being out of milk and to make sure you don't let that happen again. He's terrible.

What other lines does he cross, OP?

This is more than an inconvenience, it's a violation. And, it would be a dealbreaker for me if someone routinely dismissed something important to me on a regular basis like this, offered no apology, and insisted on being argumentative about it. This is bad.

[Anonymous]

Oh god. I do spend time with him! I get home at around 3 and I sleep till maybe 5. After that, I'm up and we eat dinner, watch movies, and generally chill out together. I don't think 2 hrs of him having to occupy himself is going to kill him.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't he getting the message that when you're asleep, he must not wake you up unless it's a life-threatening emergency? Are you being clear and firm, or are you being subtle and "nice" about it?

If he's on the autistic spectrum, you need to state clearly and repeatedly what the rules are, and he'll get it. You will always have to be very clear about procedure.

Step one: Before speaking, pause and see if I am asleep. Step two: Outline acceptable emergencies. If not one of these, do not speak to me or shake me, or wake me. I need sleep for my health.

I wonder why he wasn't taught this. We normally teach kids this kind of stuff along the way, even if they're not on the spectrum.

If he's not on the spectrum, but is on the needy, low-boundary, and self-absorbed side, that's actually tougher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another example. This morning, he comes in from going to the gym early. He comes in the house at 6 am. I'm asleep. He comes into the room and starts asking me what do I want for breakfast. He shakes me awake to ask if i want cereal because we are out of milk. Basically he's asking if I would like for him to go pick up some milk. This is what I mean by he is a sweet caring guy who means well but he kind of misfires when it comes to being sweet.

You give him too much credit. He woke you up as punishment for being out of milk and to make sure you don't let that happen again. He's terrible.

What other lines does he cross, OP?

This is more than an inconvenience, it's a violation. And, it would be a dealbreaker for me if someone routinely dismissed something important to me on a regular basis like this, offered no apology, and insisted on being argumentative about it. This is bad.

Agree, this is really bad. Why are you being so dismissive of this OP? This is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god. I do spend time with him! I get home at around 3 and I sleep till maybe 5. After that, I'm up and we eat dinner, watch movies, and generally chill out together. I don't think 2 hrs of him having to occupy himself is going to kill him.

Answer the PPs' questions about what you actually say to him and how you actually respond when he does it.
If he's compromising your health with his behavior, you can't marry him without getting this resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one else think that since OP has been gone all day at work, commutes home and then sleeps for two hours that maybe the poor man is lonely? Maybe he wants some love? Condition of not its pretty weird to be gone all day and not spend time with your fiancé when you get home.

His is this going to work with kids in the future if you need so much rest. Live in nanny maybe?

And your view is that if this were true it would be fine to handle it by shaking her awake to blame her for low milk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one else think that since OP has been gone all day at work, commutes home and then sleeps for two hours that maybe the poor man is lonely? Maybe he wants some love? Condition of not its pretty weird to be gone all day and not spend time with your fiancé when you get home.

His is this going to work with kids in the future if you need so much rest. Live in nanny maybe?

Then he would need to find another woman, not shake OP awake.

[Anonymous]

It's not that I need "so much rest". I get up at 5, get to work at 6 and work till 2. Usually after work I get home by 2:30 or 3. That's when I nap or just relax. When j am relaxing, I have no problem cuddling or just chatting with him. Like I said before, my "relaxing" time is just time that I don't have to mentally focus on anything serious. I enjoy his company in my downtime. It's not like I want him to leave me alone when I'm just chilling, in fact I want him there.

Some days are worse than others, instead of just decompressing I need a serious nap.

When he wakes me up, I answer him and go back to sleep. I will stop doing that. Sometimes I just "pretend" to still be asleep even though his calling me has woken me up.

No I don't think I would need a live in nanny necessarily. I'm always awake by 5 pm, which isn't much different from when most people are getting home from work. Then I'm up from 5 till about 11. During that time, im with him and we cook, eat together, work on chores, veg in front of the tv, have sex, etc. just depends on the day.

[Anonymous]

Also, regarding the milk, I don't think he was punishing me. There are times that he will bring me something (my favorite bottle of wine for ex) and he will wake me up to show me that he got it for me and that we should have it with dinner. Like I said... Misfiring