Why do western people have such disregard for family?

[Anonymous]

I am just astounded that you haven't experienced this. All families have their issues and if you looked more closely at your own family you'd see the cracks.

It's hard to look at your own family when you're fixated on someone else's.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the American. Italian Americans tend to elevate the family. As an Italian American with a very close extended family that even includes inlaws, I sometimes feel like I have a cultural difference with a lot of my DC friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure op . I'm glad my southasian didn't hold this against me though. You can't pick your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure op . I'm glad my southasian didn't hold this against me though. You can't pick your family!

Husband...

[Anonymous]

Have you MET my fucking family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

I would recommend you not marry an American. Solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

Sorry OP, you don't sound very bright or mature. I am South Asian and moved to the US for college 18 years ago. There were plenty of dysfunctional families back home, and most of my American friends came from loving homes. To imply that Westerners dont care about family is ridiculous. They may express things differently but so what? Your post is frankly silly and plays to stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

I have witnessed the most cattiness, badmouthing and jealousy amongst Indian women. The competitiveness of siblings is unhealthy. Plenty of Indian men cheat on their wives. Most DILs loathe their MILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have witnessed the most cattiness, badmouthing and jealousy amongst Indian women. The competitiveness of siblings is unhealthy. Plenty of Indian men cheat on their wives. Most DILs loathe their MILs.

+ 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much of what appears to be a cultural difference is actually just the outcome of public welfare programs. You don't see many Western families having the elderly grandparents live with them because financially, those elderly relatives have retirement accounts, social security, health insurance, and they may or may not have their own housing options - that's the case with my parents. They likely will never *need* to live with us, but a few generations ago, that wasn't the case even in America.

My husbands' Indian parents, on the other hand, have no social security, no health insurance, and their retirement account is diminimus - they likely will need to live with us, or at least depend upon our financial support.

It's not that we have greater regard for his parents and less regard for mine. It's that one set of parents lived their lives and worked for their whole careers in an economy that was designed for self-sufficiency even in old age; the other has lived and worked in a society where those opportunities were limited and they now are destined not to be self-sufficient in a few years. Let's not romanticize that.

+1 My husbands Bangladeshi family ** needs*** to live with us. This doesn't mean I love my family less. My parents paid off the home I now live in with my in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

Bully for you. Aren't you just too, too wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much of what appears to be a cultural difference is actually just the outcome of public welfare programs. You don't see many Western families having the elderly grandparents live with them because financially, those elderly relatives have retirement accounts, social security, health insurance, and they may or may not have their own housing options - that's the case with my parents. They likely will never *need* to live with us, but a few generations ago, that wasn't the case even in America.

My husbands' Indian parents, on the other hand, have no social security, no health insurance, and their retirement account is diminimus - they likely will need to live with us, or at least depend upon our financial support.

It's not that we have greater regard for his parents and less regard for mine. It's that one set of parents lived their lives and worked for their whole careers in an economy that was designed for self-sufficiency even in old age; the other has lived and worked in a society where those opportunities were limited and they now are destined not to be self-sufficient in a few years. Let's not romanticize that.

+1 My husbands Bangladeshi family ** needs*** to live with us. This doesn't mean I love my family less. My parents paid off the home I now live in with my in laws.

Your poor parents...I feel bad for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much of what appears to be a cultural difference is actually just the outcome of public welfare programs. You don't see many Western families having the elderly grandparents live with them because financially, those elderly relatives have retirement accounts, social security, health insurance, and they may or may not have their own housing options - that's the case with my parents. They likely will never *need* to live with us, but a few generations ago, that wasn't the case even in America.

My husbands' Indian parents, on the other hand, have no social security, no health insurance, and their retirement account is diminimus - they likely will need to live with us, or at least depend upon our financial support.

It's not that we have greater regard for his parents and less regard for mine. It's that one set of parents lived their lives and worked for their whole careers in an economy that was designed for self-sufficiency even in old age; the other has lived and worked in a society where those opportunities were limited and they now are destined not to be self-sufficient in a few years. Let's not romanticize that.

+1 My husbands Bangladeshi family ** needs*** to live with us. This doesn't mean I love my family less. My parents paid off the home I now live in with my in laws.

Your poor parents...I feel bad for them!

Why?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if it has to do with that there are so many sub-cultures here, and I don't just mean on ethnic lines.
Take something as simple as Santa Claus. Just go with me here…
Ok, first, you have the subcultures who don't celebrate Christmas. Then you have the subcultures who do celebrate Christmas but not Santa Claus. Then you have the subcultures who celebrate Santa Claus but not Christmas.

Among Santa Claus celebrator subcultures, you have the ones who open presents one day at a time, ones who pile it all up under the tree, those who say all presents are from Santa and those who only say the stocking presents are from Santa…on and on.

Ok I know we are not talking about Santa here, but it's EVERYTHING. So many things are different--take money--do you give adult kids money, and if so, what is fair--is fair dollar-for-dollar, or which kid needs it the most? Etc. Everybody does it differently.

So, my brother married a woman I introduced him to, who was my friend's sister. We all went to the same small Catholic school in the same mid-sized town. You'd think we would be very similar.

My SIL operates so differently than our family, it's as if we are from different cultures. She sees love as zero-sum, so hoards my brother and keeps him from us. We see love as expansive, so we welcomed her into our family and included her in everything.

I remember one time she complained that on their property at the edge of the road they had a water spigot. Every now and then a hiker would use the spigot to give their dog some water. She was furious--"that's stealing!" and got a big fake rock to hide it. I was simultaneously thinking to get a dog bowl and put a little sign that said "Doggie Watering Hole" I thought, wow, that is the difference between us right there.

So--what I'm getting into is when people marry, if the traditions are named as different (like Christmas and Hanukah), then they might be discussed and compromised on…but there are so many unnoticed differences in values and outlooks and world views, these prove tricky when dealing with extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

This is a gross overgeneralization. I think you need to meet more Americans.