Why do western people have such disregard for family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.

This, but also women in the United States work outside the home and are often happy to do so. Have you noticed that the burden for caring for extended family in these "family centric" cultures falls exclusively to women? Women care for their own children as well as their MIL and FIL, and probably their own parents as well. That's a burden not shared by men, and one that I think many women would be happy to cast off if they were able to.

Sure. Women are the primary caregivers usually in traditional south asian families. Even still, when my SIL had a baby my MIL and sisters helped her out in ways I can't fathom American families would. It takes a village to raise a child.

Would all of those women choose to be primary caregivers if they had the option? Do women WANT to care for elderly in-laws? Do grandparents who have just gotten their own kids out of the house WANT to take on responsibility for another generation?

I can't imagine that all women want that. Some do, but that's what women have in the United States and much of Western Europe - the choice to be primary caregivers or not. Turns out many choose not. I can't fault them for that.

Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't start comparing cultures. There are some bad things about all cultures, including South Asian and East Asian (I'm Korean). I could start a long list for South Asians, too. Oh, and btw, my one parent hasn't spoken to a sibling in over 30 yrs due to some stupid squabble.

I can't tell if OP is naive or extremely smug, or both. But I'll bite and offer up some of my own cultural generalizations: There is a lot of repression of women in SA culture, forcing us to stick to hearth and home and tend to family needs in a way that may make it look to the outside world that it is borne of affection. It isn't in most cases. Relying on other resources, like money, or free reign as a solution to help family isn't usually an option, unless the one controlling the purse strings (man, family patriarch) wants to. This isn't love or regard for family. It's control.

My SA mom hasn't spoken to her brother in 20 year and doesn't give a fig about her niece and nephew. My dad's sisters and their husbands were always financially needy headaches, and we barely talk to them. So, not all as you interpret OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

[Anonymous]

Much of this can be understood as a cultural difference between societies that are collectivist versus individualist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't true. I am South Asian, as is my spouse. Growing up, I remember where we did not interact with 2 cousins because my dad (and his brother) were in a fight. I think it went on for two years. My own spouse and his siblings hate his entire dad's side of the family because of how they supposedly mistreated his mom growing up. They don't interact except at weddings or funerals. We don't even know those cousins' kids' ages/names. We found out one of the cousins got divorced 3 years after the fact, and he lives in our state.

In my experience South Asian families stick through, even when they can't stand each other. The hatred/dislike that most Indian DILs have for their MILs is almost pathological. The interference that most indian families have in each others' lives leads to a lot of simmering resentments. And this isn't even accounting for 'mixed-marriages', which can bring on a whole new level of drama.

You must live in some sort of dream-bubble, because in the indian community I'm a part of, there's LOTS of dysfunction - and its happening both in India and here.

How DO you Indian DILs deal with your MILs? Many tend to be overbearing, meddlesome and feel like no one is good enough for their golden boy son. As a woman in a 'mixed marriage' please give me some advice!

They deal with their MILs like this. So much for OPs original comment. Ugh

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-35289534

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. My in laws are takers and only want the great moments with the grand children. No help whatsoever. My own parents preached family only as long as it served their needs. My siblings all went their own ways. I think there is a huge lack of sacrifice that can bring an abundance of joy. As a parent I sacrifice and my kids have become my biggest joy.
That said, I would have given anything for my grand parents who grew up in the Great Depression. They were just different people I guess. All for one, one for all type.

Yes, I think part of the problem is parents and siblings here don't feel any duty on their ends. So if I were to work with your cultural framework, it would be all doing and giving and paying on my end and just taking no receiving. The beauty I'm guessing of your culture is the reciprocation in one form or another, I'm guessing you all generally help each other and work together. It sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you can recognize that your title for this thread makes a massive generalization. You're saying that all "western people" disregard all their family members and the idea of family, period, everywhere.

If someone posted, "Why do all eastern people sacrifice their identities and goals to their families' demands," can you see how that would be just as bad, and offensive, a generalization?

If you would be bothered or offended by a post about how all "eastern people" act or think one way only, then can you see how your post bothers those of us from other cultures about which you're making some huge assumptions that everyone operates the same basic way?

OP, do you personally know the inner workings of many "western families" and how they reached decisions about things like elder care, child care and education, relationships with siblings, parents, other relatives? Maybe you've only seen results like a family that placed an elderly relative in a residential home and you thought that was awful of them, but unless you know them well enough, you may never know that maybe it's what the relative actually wanted, or it's the result of medical issues that cannot be handled in the adult child's home, etc. Otherwise you're just operating on generalizations. Yes, Americans (who are not, after all, ALL of western culture) do tend to be more independent of their extended families, generally speaking, and other PPs have done a great job talking about the generational, regional, socio-economic and cultural reasons for that independence. But you're translating it into a culture that does not care about, or for, family--at all.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a fair question and I was raised here. I don't think people put enough emphasis on family. That's just my opinion. The fractured families all over, whether emotionally fractured or fractured by geography, is not a good thing. The lack of that help and dependence that I had growing up . . . . aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I don't see it much anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

Average life expectancies:

United States- 79

India- 66

[Anonymous]

Well, my mother thinks I'l a failure and tells me so, despite me having a graduate degree, good marriage, happy child, and decent job. I've never even been arrested! So please, tell me why I'm such a horrible westerner and she should be living with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

Average life expectancies:

United States- 79

India- 66

Ok thats great but since DCUM is not based in India, I'm assuming most of the Indians on this board are Indian-Americans, not Indians who are living in India. I have no doubt that given the extreme poverty throughout India, that the average life expectancy there is much lower than in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

Have you been a long term care taker to someone with early onset dementia. Age is relative. My MIL probably had symptoms in her late 50's and when she looked for help, she got blown off with dementia and anxiety diagnosis and medications. At 62, she needed full-time care. She did not smoke,, did not drink and ate little meat (could not afford meat).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok thats great but since DCUM is not based in India, I'm assuming most of the Indians on this board are Indian-Americans, not Indians who are living in India. I have no doubt that given the extreme poverty throughout India, that the average life expectancy there is much lower than in the US.

The OP was not talking just about Indian families in the States, did she?
Of course, the older generation would live longer in the States, where the risk of trauma, infection or food poisoning is much lower, and DILs are showering them with love and cater to their every need!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

Have you been a long term care taker to someone with early onset dementia. Age is relative. My MIL probably had symptoms in her late 50's and when she looked for help, she got blown off with dementia and anxiety diagnosis and medications. At 62, she needed full-time care. She did not smoke,, did not drink and ate little meat (could not afford meat).

Most people with dementia are elderly. Only a small fraction have early onset dementia.

My condolences to you regarding your MIL.