Why do western people have such disregard for family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's repulsive that you can throw out your privileged upbringing compared to some Asian immigrants who came here with nothing, didn't know the language, worked menial jobs, and sacrificed a more comfortable life back home so that their kids could have more opportunities and a better life here in the US. Not all Asians are rich.

I say this as an Asian whose parents never expected any of their kids to take care of them in their old age. They saved for their retirement, live very modestly, and pretty much are self sufficient, but I help when I can, and I'm happy to do so. My parents have told us to put them in retirement homes, that they don't want to be burden on us. That will probably never happen. One of my siblings or I will probably take them in.

Puh-leeze. Many Asian immigrants who come here now are college educated, have well-paying jobs, and bring enough cash to buy houses within a year or two of arrival. No servants though. Back home "everyone has servants" as PP said.
We don't have a large Hmong or Filipino population around here - those folks are really poor, but they do not focus on their offspring becoming doctors or engineers, or going to college at all... the kids get to make their own decisions. They (older generation) quickly realize the availability of social services for the low-income and elderly and rely on those.

PP, you do realize that there are Asians who immigrated here 30- 40 yrs ago, majority of whom were not wealthy, and many uneducated, like my parents? I'm not Hmong or Filipino, but I know plenty of filipinos out west who own their own homes. In my culture, it is customary for kids to take care of their parents, as it is in most Asian cultures. My grandmother lived with us for a while, and then my aunt. But, like I said, my parents never had those expectations of us. My parents rely on their pensions, social security and medicare - and why shouldn't they... they paid into it for 40 yrs.

[Anonymous]

There are close-knit and dysfunctional families both in the East and the West. However, in the East, there is the cultural and social foundation of family helping each other. In fact, it is almost institutionalized and no one questions it or even objects to it, because it is seen as a given.

The Western societies are usually rich and have a huge social safety nets to help people. In the Eastern societies, these social safety nets are lacking, and family have to step in.

The examples are - In the West, if a person loses their livelihood and have no place to live, they can go to homeless shelters, In the East, relatives are expected to take the people in, even if it is inconvenient for them.

In the West, it is not expected that parents will provide after the child turns 18, not they are expected to pay for college or weddings (even though many do). In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education and weddings (even if many cannot do because of lack of financial means).

Not helping your parents, spouse, ILs, children, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews - with any of their serious life problems, when you are in a position to help (i.e that will not literally kill you or land you in jail) - is not acceptable in the Eastern society and you will be ostracized in very evident ways. This is not so in the Western society, because people can get help from govt institutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education

... as long as they study to be an engineer or doctor. Pity the Asian kid who wants to go into musical theater!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

Pretty sure this is sarcasm.

No, I was being serious.

Where are you from originally? English is not your first language.

[Anonymous]

Actually I think the PP you refer to is very typical of upper class white america.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education

... as long as they study to be an engineer or doctor. Pity the Asian kid who wants to go into musical theater!

Not really. In SouthEast Asia, there are engineers and doctors, but also musicians, dancers, actors, painters, sculptors, writers, poets etc. In fact, it will come as news to you that all professions found in western societies are also found there and many more.

The parents pay for it because it is the duty of the parents to make sure that the child gets all the education and support needed to be able to become a productive member of the society. The child did not ask to be born. If the parents had the baby, they need to also raise the baby till he/she is capable of supporting himself/herself as well as their own spouses and children.

Only in this country, we are seeing majority of Asians becoming doctors and engineers. This is partly due to the fact that academic competition is not very tough here and Asians find it easy to get into these professions (even with the barriers of higher grades and other BS requirements that has been put to prevent Asians to succeed).

I am sure that is the reason that people think that Asians are only engineers and doctors. If you were better informed or well traveled, you would know that there is not a single country in the world where there are only doctors or engineers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it repulsive for a parent "to help" on the premise of some sort of repayment. Yuck! Very loser! I like my American values. Mom and dad paid for my private education k-12 and college. I was given a monthly allowance of one thousand and a paid in full credit card -thanks mom and dad! They still send me $ for birthdays and holidays and to my DH and kids, too. They don't expect any repayment. They gave to me much love and much luxury out of generosity, no out of some deal! My kids admin friends tell my kids how great of a mom I am. My kids tell me. There friends know they can tell me anything and I won't pass judgement. I think Asian parents have a lot to learn from American parents.

Pretty sure this is sarcasm.

Poorly written sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

It was already noted that it wasn't sarcasm. Read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I think the PP you refer to is very typical of upper class white america.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education

... as long as they study to be an engineer or doctor. Pity the Asian kid who wants to go into musical theater!

Not really. In SouthEast Asia, there are engineers and doctors, but also musicians, dancers, actors, painters, sculptors, writers, poets etc. In fact, it will come as news to you that all professions found in western societies are also found there and many more.

The parents pay for it because it is the duty of the parents to make sure that the child gets all the education and support needed to be able to become a productive member of the society. The child did not ask to be born. If the parents had the baby, they need to also raise the baby till he/she is capable of supporting himself/herself as well as their own spouses and children.

Only in this country, we are seeing majority of Asians becoming doctors and engineers. This is partly due to the fact that academic competition is not very tough here and Asians find it easy to get into these professions (even with the barriers of higher grades and other BS requirements that has been put to prevent Asians to succeed).

I am sure that is the reason that people think that Asians are only engineers and doctors. If you were better informed or well traveled, you would know that there is not a single country in the world where there are only doctors or engineers.

Thanks to you, I am finally informed that there are Asians in different professions in their home countries. Who would have thunk!
However, in the States, Asians push their kids to become doctors and engineers regardless of the kids' aptitudes and aspirations... so they would make good money and support parents in their old age?

[Anonymous]

I'm South Asian, and I don't think that Asians support their kids to become doctors/engineers in order to support their parents in their old age!! That's ridiculous. They are just risk-averse, and want the best life for their kids. They know these professions are more guaranteed to give their children a comfortable life, so they encourage those fields. Its also a source of pride - in India, for example, the best students end up going for engineering or medicine. The more mediocre students go for 'commerce' (i.e. business) or some humanities subject. So parents here still have the mindset of what they consider are the best fields for 'smart kids'.

And they don't often realize the difference - that in the US you actually have way more opportunities in any field. In India, its very likely that a B.S. in Anthropology will give you zero job prospects. And if you're a woman, your best chance of not being destitute is to marry an engineer or doctor with that degree. While here, you can work for a non-profit, or do teach for America for a few years and then go on to grad school/law school/what have you. You won't be destitute if you have a little ambition.

[Anonymous]

What I see in most Asian families who I know and who continue to reside with their parents after marriage is that a lot of grandparent cannot support themselves. They worked hard and invested their money in their children education (including paying cash for Columbia or Harward). Now, when their kids have a successful carriers, they prefer to leave in one big mention in the prestigious neighborhood, rather than buy something small that they can afford after retirement. The problem that I see with these families is that children still actively using their parents. I know several Asian families, where is daughter, like OP, is happy to have parents to live with them. What does it equals to usually, that the grandparent working as a free house maids doing all cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, taking grandchildren to the doctors appointments, etc. In some sense, it is sad, because instead of leaving their own life after their kids grew up, they are living theirs kids life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education

... as long as they study to be an engineer or doctor. Pity the Asian kid who wants to go into musical theater!

Not really. In SouthEast Asia, there are engineers and doctors, but also musicians, dancers, actors, painters, sculptors, writers, poets etc. In fact, it will come as news to you that all professions found in western societies are also found there and many more.

The parents pay for it because it is the duty of the parents to make sure that the child gets all the education and support needed to be able to become a productive member of the society. The child did not ask to be born. If the parents had the baby, they need to also raise the baby till he/she is capable of supporting himself/herself as well as their own spouses and children.

Only in this country, we are seeing majority of Asians becoming doctors and engineers. This is partly due to the fact that academic competition is not very tough here and Asians find it easy to get into these professions (even with the barriers of higher grades and other BS requirements that has been put to prevent Asians to succeed).

I am sure that is the reason that people think that Asians are only engineers and doctors. If you were better informed or well traveled, you would know that there is not a single country in the world where there are only doctors or engineers.

Thanks to you, I am finally informed that there are Asians in different professions in their home countries. Who would have thunk!
However, in the States, Asians push their kids to become doctors and engineers regardless of the kids' aptitudes and aspirations... so they would make good money and support parents in their old age?

No, the parents want their kids to make good money, so that they can do they can have a comfortable life. They also want their kids to be able to afford the college education for their children. In this way, the parents are helping to launch their children successfully and also safeguard their grand-kids future.

Most Asian parents live frugally and save for their kids college and weddings. They also save for their own retirement. So, it is all good. Asian families are close knit and help out each other.

I have no problems taking care of my parents or my ILs. They have supported us and now we are privileged to take care of them, because we love and respect our parents.

It is natural for parents, siblings, children to be very attached to each other and do whatever is necessary to help each other. When we see a lack of such love and concern for family members in Western people, it is shocking to us. Its just that we have not seen or experienced such detachment among family members, and it seems very inhuman. I am sure though, it feels normal to those who have not seen anything different.

[Anonymous]

If by pushing and pressurizing kids could become doctors and engineers, I am sure others would have done so too. If you do not have the brains to be a doctor or an engineer, you cannot become one. The barrier to entry in these professions is very high, and totally based on merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most Asian parents live frugally and save for their kids college and weddings. They also save for their own retirement. So, it is all good. Asian families are close knit and help out each other.

I have no problems taking care of my parents or my ILs. They have supported us and now we are privileged to take care of them, because we love and respect our parents.

It is natural for parents, siblings, children to be very attached to each other and do whatever is necessary to help each other. When we see a lack of such love and concern for family members in Western people, it is shocking to us. Its just that we have not seen or experienced such detachment among family members, and it seems very inhuman. I am sure though, it feels normal to those who have not seen anything different.

Abuse and incest are only expressions of love, right OP?

I sometimes visit a website "Mother-In-Law Stories" where women (and men) vent about their in-laws. I swear, 1/3 to 1/2 of the stories are written by Asian women - even if they do not call it out, it is evident from the circumstances of the story or from their writing style. They write how the in-laws oppress, sometimes abuse them, play mind games with their husbands, and sometimes are just plain nutty. Well, a " bad" American couple would disengage from a crazy or evil relative, but the Asian tradition requires a DIL to bow to them and she has no way out until she herself becomes a mother in law and can take it out on her DIL!