Why do western people have such disregard for family?

[Anonymous]

True! Most Indians beat their wives. And it's "ok"

[Anonymous]

That is the lamest thing I ever heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I see in most Asian families who I know and who continue to reside with their parents after marriage is that a lot of grandparent cannot support themselves. They worked hard and invested their money in their children education (including paying cash for Columbia or Harward). Now, when their kids have a successful carriers, they prefer to leave in one big mention in the prestigious neighborhood, rather than buy something small that they can afford after retirement. The problem that I see with these families is that children still actively using their parents. I know several Asian families, where is daughter, like OP, is happy to have parents to live with them. What does it equals to usually, that the grandparent working as a free house maids doing all cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, taking grandchildren to the doctors appointments, etc. In some sense, it is sad, because instead of leaving their own life after their kids grew up, they are living theirs kids life.

You don't get it. There is no "living their own life" for grandparents like this. Family is life. Seeing your kids become successful, seeing your grandkids grow up, nurturing this relationship is life. Everything else is just a minor diversion.

My mom lives with us. She doesn't do any driving or grocery shopping or cooking, but she happily spends time with the grandkids and in fact acted pretty much like their nanny when they were infants. She delights in this. Although she keeps up with her friendships, she doesn't want to spend most of her time around old people. Her words verbatim, "what do old people think and talk about? Just what's ahead of them. Decline and death. When you're around young people, you are carried by their energy because the trajectory of their lives still moves forward, not downward." She can think of no happier setup then spending her golden years with her grown kids.

[Anonymous]

There are different types of Asian family or Western family. I have seen them in Asian families. I am Asian and my family is typical parent controlling to the point that either emotional abuse and when it didn't work, it became physical abused. That cycle kept going until I moved out and cut them out of my life. On the other hand, my cousin has a perfect family. Her parents are very supportive, paid for her education until she could support herself. They are now taking care of her kids and live in the same house.
She is like OP, only sees "why do western people have such disregard for family" while I see the opposite. It is totally depending on which situation you are in to feel what you feel. Seeing both sides doesn't mean you can feel both sides. There are good and bad in every culture. No point to fight which one is better. If you are not in the situation yourself, you won't understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I see in most Asian families who I know and who continue to reside with their parents after marriage is that a lot of grandparent cannot support themselves. They worked hard and invested their money in their children education (including paying cash for Columbia or Harward). Now, when their kids have a successful carriers, they prefer to leave in one big mention in the prestigious neighborhood, rather than buy something small that they can afford after retirement. The problem that I see with these families is that children still actively using their parents. I know several Asian families, where is daughter, like OP, is happy to have parents to live with them. What does it equals to usually, that the grandparent working as a free house maids doing all cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, taking grandchildren to the doctors appointments, etc. In some sense, it is sad, because instead of leaving their own life after their kids grew up, they are living theirs kids life.

That's such b.s. Asian families respect their elders not keep them as house maids.We do all ther cooking and laundry for them. The only thing they happily do is take our kids to the park sometimes and because they want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I see in most Asian families who I know and who continue to reside with their parents after marriage is that a lot of grandparent cannot support themselves. They worked hard and invested their money in their children education (including paying cash for Columbia or Harward). Now, when their kids have a successful carriers, they prefer to leave in one big mention in the prestigious neighborhood, rather than buy something small that they can afford after retirement. The problem that I see with these families is that children still actively using their parents. I know several Asian families, where is daughter, like OP, is happy to have parents to live with them. What does it equals to usually, that the grandparent working as a free house maids doing all cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, taking grandchildren to the doctors appointments, etc. In some sense, it is sad, because instead of leaving their own life after their kids grew up, they are living theirs kids life.

That's such b.s. Asian families respect their elders not keep them as house maids.We do all ther cooking and laundry for them. The only thing they happily do is take our kids to the park sometimes and because they want to.
Why are you arguing over a few activities or chores? This is your family maybe and other might do the laundry and not the park.

[Anonymous]

I've seen some families destroyed because they took in toxic grandparents. I wouldn't allow someone in my home who is a jerk. I don't care about blood -- respect is earned.

If I were to be a nasty parent, why should I expect my grown children to take me into their home and make my grandkids' lives shitty?

[Anonymous]

If your way of life is better why do you live in the west? What will your children do when you get older? If they don't allow you to live with them will will you consider yourself a parental failure?

When you say west do you mean USA? My mother is from South America and my grandparents lived with us during certain times of the year, but my mother has said she would never have us take care of her.

Our family prides itself on our independence - we consider that a great success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I see in most Asian families who I know and who continue to reside with their parents after marriage is that a lot of grandparent cannot support themselves. They worked hard and invested their money in their children education (including paying cash for Columbia or Harward). Now, when their kids have a successful carriers, they prefer to leave in one big mention in the prestigious neighborhood, rather than buy something small that they can afford after retirement. The problem that I see with these families is that children still actively using their parents. I know several Asian families, where is daughter, like OP, is happy to have parents to live with them. What does it equals to usually, that the grandparent working as a free house maids doing all cooking, grocery shopping, house cleaning, taking grandchildren to the doctors appointments, etc. In some sense, it is sad, because instead of leaving their own life after their kids grew up, they are living theirs kids life.

You don't get it. There is no "living their own life" for grandparents like this. Family is life. Seeing your kids become successful, seeing your grandkids grow up, nurturing this relationship is life. Everything else is just a minor diversion.

My mom lives with us. She doesn't do any driving or grocery shopping or cooking, but she happily spends time with the grandkids and in fact acted pretty much like their nanny when they were infants. She delights in this. Although she keeps up with her friendships, she doesn't want to spend most of her time around old people. Her words verbatim, "what do old people think and talk about? Just what's ahead of them. Decline and death. When you're around young people, you are carried by their energy because the trajectory of their lives still moves forward, not downward." She can think of no happier setup then spending her golden years with her grown kids.

I do get it. My mom came to live with us and stayed for 3 years to raise my older child. And she told me exactly same thing because she knew how much we needed it. Eventually, I put my daughter in pre-school and my mom moved on with her life. She is living her second life now, doing all the things that she could not have done when she was raising kids, and later grandkids. She travels the world (and she goes to places she wants to go, not our family and kids friendly places). She teaches in college part time, so she has enough interaction with young people if she wants to. For some parents, you need to push them to enjoy the rest of their life.

[Anonymous]

Please. Its because we have choices and laws that protect us. South Asian women need their families for survival and murders of DILs and daughters are not uncommon. You have no choice but to put up with crap from your elders and in laws. We dont have to. We can easily be completely financially independent and (unless there is a psychopath in our family) dont have to worry about being murdered for "honor" or for not producing a son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In the East, it is a duty of parents to bear the cost of the child's education

... as long as they study to be an engineer or doctor. Pity the Asian kid who wants to go into musical theater!

Not really. In SouthEast Asia, there are engineers and doctors, but also musicians, dancers, actors, painters, sculptors, writers, poets etc. In fact, it will come as news to you that all professions found in western societies are also found there and many more.

The parents pay for it because it is the duty of the parents to make sure that the child gets all the education and support needed to be able to become a productive member of the society. The child did not ask to be born. If the parents had the baby, they need to also raise the baby till he/she is capable of supporting himself/herself as well as their own spouses and children.

Only in this country, we are seeing majority of Asians becoming doctors and engineers. This is partly due to the fact that academic competition is not very tough here and Asians find it easy to get into these professions (even with the barriers of higher grades and other BS requirements that has been put to prevent Asians to succeed).

I am sure that is the reason that people think that Asians are only engineers and doctors. If you were better informed or well traveled, you would know that there is not a single country in the world where there are only doctors or engineers.

My parents did not insist on us becoming engineers or doctors. But being an engineer or a doctor gives you some buffer against discrimination getting in the way of earning a living, which my parents suffered from when they came here. You can be a doctor and have an Indian accent. Being in a high demand job means people must employ you if you are competent. If you have to compete with many others for fewer jobs, your race certainly is not going to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please. Its because we have choices and laws that protect us. South Asian women need their families for survival and murders of DILs and daughters are not uncommon. You have no choice but to put up with crap from your elders and in laws. We dont have to. We can easily be completely financially independent and (unless there is a psychopath in our family) dont have to worry about being murdered for "honor" or for not producing a son.

"Not uncommon"? They're also not common.

Yeah, too bad with my J.D. from a top ten law school and an established legal career I totally financially dependent on my family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Its because we have choices and laws that protect us. South Asian women need their families for survival and murders of DILs and daughters are not uncommon. You have no choice but to put up with crap from your elders and in laws. We dont have to. We can easily be completely financially independent and (unless there is a psychopath in our family) dont have to worry about being murdered for "honor" or for not producing a son.

"Not uncommon"? They're also not common.

Yeah, too bad with my J.D. from a top ten law school and an established legal career I totally financially dependent on my family

Yes, such murders are common, at least compared to Western society. In Indian young wives are burned alive rather than divorced because the in laws don't want to give up the dowries the bride brought. In Arab countries, girls are murdered for no wearing full hijab or for speaking to a boy. It is shockingly and disgusting common fir women to be murdered in these societies. The low esteem in which girls and women are held, being treated as property rather than people, in many Asian cultures is disgusting. Sadly, it is exactly those attitudes that create the "strong" families and "respect" for elders in those countries. Women get no respect until they have a daughter in law to abuse and rule over, fand hence the cycle continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Its because we have choices and laws that protect us. South Asian women need their families for survival and murders of DILs and daughters are not uncommon. You have no choice but to put up with crap from your elders and in laws. We dont have to. We can easily be completely financially independent and (unless there is a psychopath in our family) dont have to worry about being murdered for "honor" or for not producing a son.

"Not uncommon"? They're also not common.

Yeah, too bad with my J.D. from a top ten law school and an established legal career I totally financially dependent on my family

And your JD may make you capable of financial independence but it doesn't change the attitudes about your role in your family and the shame you will bring down upon them if you don't act the bowing and scraping doormat daughter or DIL. It is ingrained in those culture to such a deeply psychological extent that it takes generations of living in truly free societies for individuals to break away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please. Its because we have choices and laws that protect us. South Asian women need their families for survival and murders of DILs and daughters are not uncommon. You have no choice but to put up with crap from your elders and in laws. We dont have to. We can easily be completely financially independent and (unless there is a psychopath in our family) dont have to worry about being murdered for "honor" or for not producing a son.

"Not uncommon"? They're also not common.

Yeah, too bad with my J.D. from a top ten law school and an established legal career I totally financially dependent on my family

And your JD may make you capable of financial independence but it doesn't change the attitudes about your role in your family and the shame you will bring down upon them if you don't act the bowing and scraping doormat daughter or DIL. It is ingrained in those culture to such a deeply psychological extent that it takes generations of living in truly free societies for individuals to break away.

Wow, glad you know more about my family than I do. My parents didn't raise a successful litigator by encouraging me to be a doormat FFS. They probably engaged me in argument more than your parents did My guess is that if you met me, you would just assume I am not Indian because I don't fit your neat stereotype of what Indian women are like.