I just learned that a student hates me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

Please reread this and you will see how challenged OP is with boundaries. Imagine you are this girl's mother. Of course you would be upset that she was so mean, but wouldn't you also be very concerned about a teacher being so involved with her? And I can't help but wonder if the girl's attack was a subconscious push back against that closeness, a discomfort with the idea of being so close and feeling its kind of wrong. The girl probably realizes on some level that there's been a boundary transgression and is reacting as only a young girl can.

All of the advice to talk to the girl or just suck it in is misplaced. OP needs to address the central issue. Why is she so involved in this girl's life? Why is she emotionally reactive to this girl?

+1000. spot on . I don't know why more people aren't cluing in on this

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the involvement is coming from the student. Seems natural that OP would be confused by the cruel remarks given the girl has sought her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the involvement is coming from the student. Seems natural that OP would be confused by the cruel remarks given the girl has sought her out.

Yet, op is the adult and she is acting as if she is still in high school herself.

[Anonymous]

You're her teacher, not her friend. Who cares if one student doesn't like you, be glad it's not the entire class. At least you admitted you are being silly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

Please reread this and you will see how challenged OP is with boundaries. Imagine you are this girl's mother. Of course you would be upset that she was so mean, but wouldn't you also be very concerned about a teacher being so involved with her? And I can't help but wonder if the girl's attack was a subconscious push back against that closeness, a discomfort with the idea of being so close and feeling its kind of wrong. The girl probably realizes on some level that there's been a boundary transgression and is reacting as only a young girl can.

All of the advice to talk to the girl or just suck it in is misplaced. OP needs to address the central issue. Why is she so involved in this girl's life? Why is she emotionally reactive to this girl?

Jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the involvement is coming from the student. Seems natural that OP would be confused by the cruel remarks given the girl has sought her out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is there an update somewhere in this thread? Did op say anything to the student today?

[Anonymous]

If OP decides to engage further with her student on this issue, she might consider not posting updates on any conversation...unless OP lives and teaches in a galaxy far, far away from Washington DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the involvement is coming from the student. Seems natural that OP would be confused by the cruel remarks given the girl has sought her out.

Yet, op is the adult and she is acting as if she is still in high school herself.

That's ridiculous, and a totally unfair comment. OP is acting like any reasonable person would in the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels insecure with her classmates and said something dumb to make herself feel/seem bigger.

This. OP, I was an OBNOXIOUS awful teen who would have done this and done it just for the laugh I got for doing it. My mom was a teacher and HS was very difficult for me, so yes, cut her some slack and don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I did this once in hs and I was the alpha class president of an all girls school. Sometimes teens say stuff just to fit in. I was usually the "goody goody" type but got tired of being so.

[Anonymous]

Are the posters commenting here (many of them well spoken) teachers or parents? Or both? I am in the "both" category and it irks me a bit when parents try to diagnose the problems that they do not see internally within schools. Sorry if I'm incorrect in jumping the gun; I welcome parent insights but it would be so helpful to know where these opinions and this advice are coming from.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you heard this. Honestly, if she is requesting you three years in a row, she most likely does not hate you at all. She was probably just showing off for her classmates. I wish I could go back and undo some of the things I am sure I did as a student that hurt my teachers' feelings. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the posters commenting here (many of them well spoken) teachers or parents? Or both? I am in the "both" category and it irks me a bit when parents try to diagnose the problems that they do not see internally within schools. Sorry if I'm incorrect in jumping the gun; I welcome parent insights but it would be so helpful to know where these opinions and this advice are coming from.

I commented a few times and am a private school teacher in a high school. I have kids, but they are little.

I think one alarm went off when the OP said the girl had requested her three times. It's odd to me that a school would let a student have that level of control. There are specialized/high level classes that may only have a single teacher, and so a student may have the same teacher for 2-3 years, but I can't imagine an administration easily honoring such a request, unless there were some influential parents involved.

While I see the benefit of the OP speaking to the girl about overhearing and how such things can be hurtful and it could be a good lesson, I also know that defensive/embarrassed teenagers (and adults) can sometimes go on the attack and will lash out at a moment of vulnerability toward someone who has made them feel ashamed/uncomfortable. I don't think all teens will behave this way, but some certainly will. If it were me, I probably wouldn't take the risk.

I would definitely avoid any explicit discussion of the letter of recommendation.