I just learned that a student hates me

[Anonymous]

One thing to remember is that if you are, indeed, her favorite teacher and you have taught her more than once she is likely to ask you to write her a college recommendation. She should probably know that you overheard her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hurt a teacher's feelings in 9th grade (all girl's private school) and her honest, embarassed and sad reaction made me a better person. Today I'm a teacher and I tend to be thick-skinned, but I was very hurt by a racial stereotype a few years ago. Having THAT conversation with the student was difficult for us both, but transformative. I suggest that you talk with her, OP. Kids can be clueless.

I did something similar in 8th grade -- talked trash about a teacher (who I actually did quite dislike) right as he walked by. He said nothing. But I knew he'd heard me, and I felt ashamed. Even though I really didn't like him, I was aware that I was being petty and juvenile in actually saying so, and I was quite aware that even if I wanted to say the things I said, it was inexcusable to have done so where he could hear me. It taught me to be much more aware of what I said, to whom, and how, and to realize that grown-ups had feelings, too.

[Anonymous]

1. I don't think she hates you.
2. I agree with your husband that you shouldn't let this bother you.
3. I think you should act like the teacher you are and TEACH her. Teach her that her words matter. So I think you should tell her you heard what she said. I would not say that it hurt my feelings or anything. I would just privately say to her "I heard what you said last Friday to your friends, because I happened to be in Room 110 when you were at the lockers. Unless you're prepared to say something to someone's face, you shouldn't say it behind their backs. Think about that." And then let her go.
4. I agree with the people here who say she was posturing for her friends. All kids have immature moments and clearly this was hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

I don't disagree with the other posters recommendations to either say nothing or use this incident as a teaching experience for her, but I do see her seeking you out for 3 years, sending articles and asking personal advice, combined with her talking trash about you to her friends as rather manipulative. Manipulative of you, and manipulative of her peers as well. I agree she will want a college rec and it is at least possible that she has cultivated you toward that purpose. Don't think so? I certainly had peers like that.

[Anonymous]

I'm the middle school teacher who recommended disengaging. In retrospect I think that was bad advice. I meant to say you should try to distance yourself emotionally which is very different from giving up on a student. I had a student once who challenged my authority, was disrespectful and defiant. I was at the end of my rope and very close to kicking her out of class (this was an extracurricular). Finally I did call her out on it and involved her parents. We worked hard together and now she is one of my best students. She often asks me for references that I freely give. This was a learning moment for me as a teacher just as it was for her as a student. Don't shy away from these opportunities because they are uncomfortable. Sometimes that discomfort is what we all need to grow. My original post was reactionary and failed to recognize the importance of holding your student accountable. I agree with others that you should be as objective as possible. This really isn't about you. It's about your student and the choices she is making now that will shape the person she will become. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

I don't disagree with the other posters recommendations to either say nothing or use this incident as a teaching experience for her, but I do see her seeking you out for 3 years, sending articles and asking personal advice, combined with her talking trash about you to her friends as rather manipulative. Manipulative of you, and manipulative of her peers as well. I agree she will want a college rec and it is at least possible that she has cultivated you toward that purpose. Don't think so? I certainly had peers like that.

I'm the OP, and yeah, I've been thinking that. She really wants to go to my alma mater, and has mentioned this multiple times. She also mentioned that she'll be asking me to do a letter of rec for her.

I do think I will calmly mention to her that I heard what she said; I will mention it and say little more, and let her think about it.

[Anonymous]

I once had a student who gave me a horrible time. I couldn't figure it out. One day a slightly older teacher said to me: I think she likes you. She never says a word in my class.

This girl doesn't hate you, for so many of the reasons suggested already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^and to yop it off the teen wasn't being openly disrespectful to an adult/teacher, she was make snotty teen comments to her snotty teen friends and never intended that the teacher overhear. Get real. Teens girls can and do say mean and snotty things about adults. Move along. Ir isn't worth the angst.

ANd snotty teens that are never held accountable for their actions become snotty adults who thing they can say and do what they want because no one has ever held them accountable. I'm not saying to punish her, but I totally think it's appropriate to let her know you heard her. Say it and let her process it. If it was a mistake she can own it and apologize. If she meant it, she can regroup and find her personal support from another teacher. She needs to learn her words/actions have consequences.

Exactly. That is the adult response--not ignoring it.

I disagree. As an adult you presumably have learned to pick your battles--and 3 teen girls gossiping about not liking a teacher is hardly a battle worth engaging in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

I don't disagree with the other posters recommendations to either say nothing or use this incident as a teaching experience for her, but I do see her seeking you out for 3 years, sending articles and asking personal advice, combined with her talking trash about you to her friends as rather manipulative. Manipulative of you, and manipulative of her peers as well. I agree she will want a college rec and it is at least possible that she has cultivated you toward that purpose. Don't think so? I certainly had peers like that.

I'm the OP, and yeah, I've been thinking that. She really wants to go to my alma mater, and has mentioned this multiple times. She also mentioned that she'll be asking me to do a letter of rec for her.

I do think I will calmly mention to her that I heard what she said; I will mention it and say little more, and let her think about it.

I posted earlier saying your student liked you and respected you, but was trying to impress her friends.

I an sorry to say that I think it is possible that her feelings are more negative, and that she has been forging a relationship with you to get a recommendation to your alma mater. It's hard to know without more information.

Under these circumstances I'm not even sure I could eventually write her a recommendation. And a problem is that if she is very manipulative, she will SEEM very sorry, but won't really be and won't change. So how do you judge her real character?

It could have been a dumb, regretful mistake, or it could have been a mean girl showing her true colors. How do you freely write a recommendation not knowing the difference unless it is the flattest, least personal recommendation ever?

I might ask for a meeting and tell her you overheard her and because of this you can no longer write her a recommendation. Then whichever person she is, A or B, she will learn a lesson from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

I don't disagree with the other posters recommendations to either say nothing or use this incident as a teaching experience for her, but I do see her seeking you out for 3 years, sending articles and asking personal advice, combined with her talking trash about you to her friends as rather manipulative. Manipulative of you, and manipulative of her peers as well. I agree she will want a college rec and it is at least possible that she has cultivated you toward that purpose. Don't think so? I certainly had peers like that.

I'm the OP, and yeah, I've been thinking that. She really wants to go to my alma mater, and has mentioned this multiple times. She also mentioned that she'll be asking me to do a letter of rec for her.

I do think I will calmly mention to her that I heard what she said; I will mention it and say little more, and let her think about it.

I posted earlier saying your student liked you and respected you, but was trying to impress her friends.

I an sorry to say that I think it is possible that her feelings are more negative, and that she has been forging a relationship with you to get a recommendation to your alma mater. It's hard to know without more information.

Under these circumstances I'm not even sure I could eventually write her a recommendation. And a problem is that if she is very manipulative, she will SEEM very sorry, but won't really be and won't change. So how do you judge her real character?

It could have been a dumb, regretful mistake, or it could have been a mean girl showing her true colors. How do you freely write a recommendation not knowing the difference unless it is the flattest, least personal recommendation ever?

I might ask for a meeting and tell her you overheard her and because of this you can no longer write her a recommendation. Then whichever person she is, A or B, she will learn a lesson from it.

^ Don't make the recommendation part of the conversation, OP. I can see her acting like a victim and making you seem very vindictive and I can see parents getting involved and you getting a lot of the punishment for all this. People who are recommending this have no idea what it's like to teach at a private school in this area.

[Anonymous]

That's true. I'm PP and I'm not a teacher, just a mom. If there would be school repercussions, I'm not familiar with them, so protect yourself as you need to. (Though in still at a loss as to how you could write a rec for her at this point.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's true. I'm PP and I'm not a teacher, just a mom. If there would be school repercussions, I'm not familiar with them, so protect yourself as you need to. (Though in still at a loss as to how you could write a rec for her at this point.)

PP you're responding to. Yeah, I suppose it depends on the school and the parents. But anything that makes it seem like OP is doing some sort of power play to punish the girl for her feelings will not go over well. It will make the OP seem immature and vindictive. It's not easy to decline writing a letter of rec and there needs to be a very clear reason for doing so.

Most teachers of 11th/12th graders write 20+ recommendations/year. Not all of those students are amazing nor our favorites, but there is something that we can write honestly and positively about, so we do.

[Anonymous]

In the best of all possible worlds, I would have a conversation with her. She clearly needs some guidance.

But in reality: if you raise this with her, and at some future point you find that she has earned less than an A in your class (or a grade lower than what she usually gets), you may hear from her parents.

Another approach would be to have a nice talk with the entire class about gossip, caricaturing, possible misadventures, etc. My daughter's fifth grade teachers do that from time to time, because gossiping has gotten out of hand. Seems like that may be the case with your girls as well.

[Anonymous]

I have daughters this age. They love me to the ends of the earth and back but they have no problem mocking me (when we are at home) or treating me like I have the plague when I drop in on them at school. I just tell them that is unacceptable behavior and disingenous. I remind them to treat their elders with respect and to honor their parents. I also remind them of all the fun they have because of mom and her taxi. They have gotten better about it. Naturally, since you are just her teacher, you will need to find a more cryptic way to say the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This student may adore you. Her mocking you has to do with peer pressure and trying to be liked. It has nothing to do with her actual feelings for you. She is a teenager.

This