I just learned that a student hates me

[Anonymous]

OP, for what it's worth, I told your dilemma to my teen daughter this afternoon. She firmly thought you should tell her you heard what she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tactfully let her know that you overheard her mocking you. It could be one of the biggest lessons you ever teach her.

I totally agree. She may have been showing off for classmates or a host of other stupid teenage reasons, but this is an opportunity for a lifelong lesson. No need to shame her or go overboard if you don't want to, but a simple "I'm not sure you were aware that I was in Room 110 when you were speaking at the lockers on Friday. I'm not sure what your reasons were for saying what you did, but I'd like you to understand that it's important to be careful with your words."

No! Do not do this. It is mean,makes you loklime an eavesdropper, and could subject you to serious liability. Any grad below an A, she wold call unfair. As the song says, let it go.

Your kids must be spoiled rotten, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, I told your dilemma to my teen daughter this afternoon. She firmly thought you should tell her you heard what she said.

Mine said the average high school student would snicker louder behind your back knowing that they had the power to hurt you--and no mine is not a mean kid. However, she does recognize that many teens will use any weakness against a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tactfully let her know that you overheard her mocking you. It could be one of the biggest lessons you ever teach her.

I totally agree. She may have been showing off for classmates or a host of other stupid teenage reasons, but this is an opportunity for a lifelong lesson. No need to shame her or go overboard if you don't want to, but a simple "I'm not sure you were aware that I was in Room 110 when you were speaking at the lockers on Friday. I'm not sure what your reasons were for saying what you did, but I'd like you to understand that it's important to be careful with your words."

X10000. OP, I'm sorry you overheard this, but this is really about her being insecure and not whether she likes you or not.

[Anonymous]

In my very first job I was at a conference and met some new people. We were talking about our line of work and I made some comments about my boss that, while not personally attacking, were my opinion about her professionally. A few days after I returned from the conference she called me in to tell me word had gotten back to her and she did not appreciate that I voiced my opinions about her work to others and not to her.

While I still feel somewhat justified in my opinion, I realize now that it was just my very uneducated opinion vs. that of a much more senior and experienced person. I also realized that people around me most likely judged me for my know-it-all attitude. Mostly I learned that the world is a small place and I had to watch what I said (and who I said it to) because I may have to answer for it at any time. It was a good life lesson and I'm glad I learned it at the beginning of my career.

Prudence. It's becoming a lost art. I vote for helping to save it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that I am being silly and shouldn't let this bother me, and I certainly would not change my behavior with this student, but...my feelings were really hurt and I have been thinking about it all weekend.

I thought I enjoyed good rapport with my students, and have a reputation for being a "good teacher" in our school community. On Friday morning, I overheard one of my students talking about me to her friends (they didn't realize I was in a room--not my classroom--beside their lockers that morning). The girl is a junior I have taught since she was a freshman, and I have to admit she's always been a favorite of mine. But she was mocking the way I talk, and my appearance, and it was really vicious...and some of her classmates were laughing. The students don't know that I overhead them, and I won't tell them.

This student has repeatedly requested me as a teacher three years in a row. She frequently emails me links to articles she finds that relate to what we are reading in class, and seeks me out to talk confidentially about problems she is having with friends, etc.

Anyway, I know I need to put my big girl pants on, but it was really hurtful. I guess I'm venting here because I need to get it out before Monday, and be ready to go in my old cheerful self. My DH helpfully pointed out that "most students laugh at their teachers", but it doesn't make me feel better.

Is this normal among your teens? Do they mock their teachers, even the ones they like? My own DS (in college now) would never have done this in front of me because he was a teacher's kid and his teachers were my colleagues.

Please reread this and you will see how challenged OP is with boundaries. Imagine you are this girl's mother. Of course you would be upset that she was so mean, but wouldn't you also be very concerned about a teacher being so involved with her? And I can't help but wonder if the girl's attack was a subconscious push back against that closeness, a discomfort with the idea of being so close and feeling its kind of wrong. The girl probably realizes on some level that there's been a boundary transgression and is reacting as only a young girl can.

All of the advice to talk to the girl or just suck it in is misplaced. OP needs to address the central issue. Why is she so involved in this girl's life? Why is she emotionally reactive to this girl?

[Anonymous]

^ The girl is reaching out to her and requesting her. How is it the OP who is creating the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ The girl is reaching out to her and requesting her. How is it the OP who is creating the problem?

I didn't say she created the problem. I said she has a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP is not challenged with boundaries. It is not OP's doing that this student has requested to be in OP's class 3 different years. That is totally the student's doing, not OP's. And it's not OP's doing that the student emails the OP articles about what they're reading in class right now. That's also at the student's instigation and not the OP's.

These aren't signals that OP has boundary issues. These are signals that OP is a good teacher who interests and inspires her students.

[Anonymous]

Also basically ANY NORMAL PERSON would be emotionally reactive to any other person mocking the way they talk and act in such a personal way. You are talking about OP's reaction like it's extraordinary, but rather it would be extraordinary to hear something so vicious about yourself and completely brush it off.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she hates you. Not if she has requested you three times. Only a masochist would deliberately be around someone they hate that much.

I'm with those who say she is experimenting with defying authority and playing the tough nasty girl in front of her friends.

I'm also with those who suggest letting her know you heard what she said; 90% likely she gets flushed with embarrassment when she learns that. It's not eavesdropping, btw, if you heard it accidentally.

You're a teacher. This is a teaching opportunity. A great opportunity, actually, for her to learn what happens when she acts this way. She looks mean and immature, and causes others to feel hurt and angry. Not a good idea, whether we're talking about peers or authority figures.

Purely for what it's worth I had a math teacher who we used to imitate speaking as well as his idiosyncratic way of teaching. And you know what? We loved the guy. He was a a fine teacher, actually. I would have been horrified if he ever heard me, but I never hated him. It was a way of bonding with peers about the common experience of being in his class. Immature and thoughtless, to be sure, but not motivated by malice.

[Anonymous]

Agree the problem is not with OP. From what I read on DCUM, one advantage of private education is that students have enhanced contact with faculty. So I guess "personal" is kind of normal in a private school context.

OP, please do not take this episode too much to heart, altho I understand why you would. I have a tween daughter who mocks me to my face. This requires "corrective action" on my part, so I understand why you may be tempted to talk to her.

But as I've said before on this thread (so as not to sock puppet), I would really skip the heart-to-heart talk. No matter how balanced and well intended. With a rec to her top-choice college in play, this business could get *very* personal quickly, including with her parents and school administration.

[Anonymous]

"I have to admit she's a favorite of mine."

How does OP respond to the emails and private conversations? Does she share any of her private life? the problems that she discusses about friends . . . does this evolve into gossip about the kids? We can't answer those questions but OP can. OP, take an honest look at this situation and ask yourself if you are too close to this child.

At the very least, the girl is feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, leading her to act out like this.

OP, why don't you discuss this with your supervisor? This seems like the kind of situation you should kick upstairs, especially with a college rec in play. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that, that speaks volumes right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I have to admit she's a favorite of mine."

How does OP respond to the emails and private conversations? Does she share any of her private life? the problems that she discusses about friends . . . does this evolve into gossip about the kids? We can't answer those questions but OP can. OP, take an honest look at this situation and ask yourself if you are too close to this child.

At the very least, the girl is feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, leading her to act out like this.

OP, why don't you discuss this with your supervisor? This seems like the kind of situation you should kick upstairs, especially with a college rec in play. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that, that speaks volumes right there.

I'm the OP. No, I'm not "too close to this child": she knows NOTHING about my private life. I don't discuss my private life with any students, ever, and of course I never gossip with students. This girl is a few years younger than my son--who graduated from the same school last year--and I regard her as a child, not a peer. The student HAS come to me when she was upset at school about friend issues, but this isn't every day or even every week. It has been a handful of times over the course of two and a half years. Students do not see me as a peer, but an adult figure, and the fact that my own son was one of them until he graduated last year set the tone for this, I think. So no, I don't have boundary issues, and I'm not hanging out with teenagers, giggling over cute boys and selfies.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and every teacher has favorites. This isn't a boundary issue, just human nature, and the professionals among us don't let it show in front of students.