MIL to 7 yr old daughter: I think about you every day...do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a stoic family so maybe my radar is broken but this comment left me feeling...nauseated.

MIL was here last weekend. Her emotional style is so very different from mine so our personalities clash. Im not cold and unaffectionate by any means but Im just so put off sometimes by her excessive emotionality. She was fawning over my 7 year old DD with comments like "you are the most beautiful granddaughter in the entire world!" and "youre so special!" and "I think about you every day! Do you think about me?"

Oh vommit! The last comment just felt completely inappropriate for a grandparent/adult to say to a child. After she left, I told my daughter its ok if shes doesnt think about grandma every day. My daughter tells me "no mama I DO think about grandma EVERY day because I love her!"

All right, DCUMers, have at it...am I a cold hearted bitch of a DIL for being put off by this remark and telling DD its ok if she doesnt think of grandma every day...or was MIL being inappropriate in asking my daughter for assurance that shes on her mind every day? WTF?!?

Maybe I need psychological help for wanting to puke when MIL fawns all over DD

Maybe you should consider some help. Clearly it's not MIL, it's your issue.

x 1 bn to the PP. It's not your MIL. It's not your DD. It's you.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a lot of borderline and narcissistic relatives who hang out on this particular forum (family relationships). You cannot trust the majority opinion here. Your reaction is the exact appropriate one and many therapists would tell you the same. Your MIL was being needy and controlling in passive aggressively communicating the idea that your DD should always be thinking of her. She was not just showing love. She was planting an expectation. The narcissists on the board will see nothing wrong with this because that is the kind of manipulative, inappropriate behavior veiled as "love" that they engage in. From one mom to another, keep your eyes open with your MIL and be ready to undo the cords of guilt that she may try to use to bind your DD to her. Even if it is not a conscious manipulation on her part, asking DD that question is inappropriate and your MIL is too old to be so emotionally immature.

1+. I'm shocked that parents think that demanding this type of allegiance from a 7 year old is appropriate. Fawning, fine, perhaps even good. But looking for this level of emotional reassurance is nuts. As a 7 year old (it's not like the kid was 4 yrs where I would agree she would be oblivious), I would have been very uncomfortable with this. Thankfully, I had family who expressed love but didn't make it into a 24-7 quid pro quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'm the same way as you and my MIL is the same way as yours. I think my MIL is being manipulative, trying to establish herself as the preferred grandparent bc my family is more reserved and would never say lunatic things like that.

My MIL used to keep on saying I love you so much you are so amazing precious etc etc but I never say it back and she's cut back quite a bit. I would just make my disdain known.

OMG. I hope you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are messed up beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it really makes a difference but I feel like there is something different about asking a kid "do you think about me?" and "do you think about me everyday?"

Grandma said she thinks about grandkid every day. That in itself is not weird. My own mom I am sure of it thinks about my DS, at least fleetingly, every day I am sure.

So it could be a totally innocent q or it could be manipulative. Most people just try to keep conversations simple with kids and might not carefully choose words when its clear from the relationship that already exists if a person has good intentions.

The statement can't be taken in a bubble, the context of the person saying it is paramount. Which is why posters who insist its guilt or manipulation seem crazy to me. There's no way to know because we don't know this woman's personality!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it really makes a difference but I feel like there is something different about asking a kid "do you think about me?" and "do you think about me everyday?"

Grandma said she thinks about grandkid every day. That in itself is not weird. My own mom I am sure of it thinks about my DS, at least fleetingly, every day I am sure.

So it could be a totally innocent q or it could be manipulative. Most people just try to keep conversations simple with kids and might not carefully choose words when its clear from the relationship that already exists if a person has good intentions.

The statement can't be taken in a bubble, the context of the person saying it is paramount. Which is why posters who insist its guilt or manipulation seem crazy to me. There's no way to know because we don't know this woman's personality!

Exactlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[Anonymous]

This would bug me only if she's not being genuine or sounded fake. Like my MIL who doesn't give two kites about the kids but sometimes likes to appear from nowhere and pretend she cares with over the top comments. If your MIL is otherwise involved, present and affectionate, just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would bug me too. It's not special, it's manipulative.

+1

I would limit time with MIL so she has more time to see her therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'm the same way as you and my MIL is the same way as yours. I think my MIL is being manipulative, trying to establish herself as the preferred grandparent bc my family is more reserved and would never say lunatic things like that.

My MIL used to keep on saying I love you so much you are so amazing precious etc etc but I never say it back and she's cut back quite a bit. I would just make my disdain known.

OMG. I hope you're a troll.

I get it. If another adult is fawning, needy, desperate it's off-putting. Think of it as the dork who follows you around in seventh grade saying you're the most amazing person in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was perfectly normal. It is a grandparent's job to coddle the children. Grandma might also be overcompensating because she see that you do not do it. Either way, smile and let grandma enjoy her precious grandchild. If it bothers you that much then leave the room and go do something else since the child is in capable hands. Change your perspective and try not to be so negative.

Agree.

What a blessing to your daughter to have such a loving grandma who expresses her love so freely.

This is a GOOD thing OP. If it is too much for you just go in another room.

Agree with this. Seriously, there are enough postings on this forum about parents who are pissed because the grandparents are cold, distant, uninterested. Its never a bad thing to have a grandparent think you are the best thing in the entire world. Parents are for discipline grandparents do something else entirely. My parents think their grandkids are truly the greatest three kids on the entire planet. Do I get annoyed when they let my toddler stay up too late, eat crap food? Sure. But when I see DD light up when they are in the room and hug and cuddle them then I am happy knowing how lucky she is to be loved unconditionally by so many people.

[Anonymous]

OP here again..

Shes here again tonight. This time asking toddler multiple times "do you love grandma? Tell grandma i love you! Tell grandma I love you! Give grandma a hug and kiss! Give grandma a hug and kiss! If I come sit next to you will u then give grandma a hug and kiss?"

Sorry people but this sort of repeated asking.for affection and reassurance from children who dont want to give it is just not appropriate...there is a difference between grandma saying i love you i think about you everyday and i want to hug you all the time vs. I think about you everyday...now tell me if you think about me everyday...or tell me you love me!

In my opinion children shouldn't be pressured into emotionally taking care of the adults in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the PPs defending MIL. The declarations of love are fine, but the second she asked the DD to reciprocate, she crossed a line. What if the answer had been "No, I don't think about you every day, Grandma?" Would the DD have felt comfortable saying that, or guilty? I think OP handled the situation correctly and is right to be concerned. No one should act needy towards a child.

Oh, please. Let it go.
Concerned? Really?
She crossed no “line.” It was a conversation between DD and MIL.
Seven-year-olds are quite honest in their responses.

09:45 here again. I HAD a grandmother like this. She lived halfway across the country and I hardly ever saw her. Whenever she would visit, she would want to snuggle us and say stuff like that and have us say it back, but to us, she was essentially a stranger. I didn't want her to cuddle me and I certainly didn't think about her daily, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. Still, she made us feel so guilty if we didn't reciprocate her once a year lovefest. It was all about her.

And maybe that is what she needed. Maybe she grew up during the great depression, or the Holocaust, or WWII and didn't have that in her life. Maybe her mother was thrown into an insane asylum when she was 3 and she needed that affection and attention as a young child so she gives it to the grand babies. When we start to try to understand one another we will be much happier and stop making non-issues into something that nothing to be concerned about. There are bigger issues in the world that we could be investing our energy into.

But when an adult has a relationship with the child, it shouldn't be about the adult getting what they need, it should be about the child getting what they need.

I would gag at that too, OP. Obsessive and weird comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again..

Shes here again tonight. This time asking toddler multiple times "do you love grandma? Tell grandma i love you! Tell grandma I love you! Give grandma a hug and kiss! Give grandma a hug and kiss! If I come sit next to you will u then give grandma a hug and kiss?"

Sorry people but this sort of repeated asking.for affection and reassurance from children who dont want to give it is just not appropriate...there is a difference between grandma saying i love you i think about you everyday and i want to hug you all the time vs. I think about you everyday...now tell me if you think about me everyday...or tell me you love me!

In my opinion children shouldn't be pressured into emotionally taking care of the adults in their lives.

OP, I am 100% with you on this.
And by the way, I adore my two young grandchildren. I've said "I love you" many times to the one who has language (the younger one isn't talking yet). And I was very happy when the older one responded, "I love you, Grandma," at age 2 last winter, and then turned to my husband and said, "I love you, Grandpa." He hasn't said it since. No problem. If he never says it again in his life it is no problem.

What your MIL is doing is so out of line. Honestly, there are so many reasons why I would never ever pressure a grandchild to express or do something! Ninety-nine percent of those reasons have to do with their emotional well-being. But the other 1% is important, too, and that is my relationship with my daughter-in-law. I don't think I would be welcome very often in a home where I was trying to bulldoze my way into little people's affection. And if I were not welcome to visit, well, that would be a huge loss for me. So I want to be sure I am sensitive to everyone's needs, especially if not everyone has the same emotional radar.

So my question to you is, have you talked with your MIL about this? If not, you really should. It is a completely legitimate concern, and she needs to respect where you are coming from. Let her know how much you know she loves the kids, and you are really happy about that, and happy that she expresses it, but she oversteps a boundary when she begins to pressure your children for a response. And you are going to intervene on their behalf. It is not going to happen any more. Just draw the line. And then enforce it. Do it with love and respect for her and for your children.

And if she really doesn't get it that this kind of pressure could be now or in the future a source of awkwardness for your children, then just point to your children. If the little one is squirming away or doesn't want to come to her, there's the answer. Enough already. Tell her that you would accept that response from your little one as the mother and would never pressure the child to come hug you. Explain to her that when Grandma shows her love and makes herself available as a playmate and storyteller and all of that, then the hugs will come naturally. Explain to her that your seven-year-old really does think about Grandma every day right now but won't always do so, just as she won't always think about you every day when she leaves home, and that's just how life is. Your MIL needs to realize that her visits should be centered on engaging the children in the ways that come naturally to the children and should never ever be forced or coerced. Since she doesn't realize this on her own, you need to teach her. Otherwise I can only imagine it getting worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again..

Shes here again tonight. This time asking toddler multiple times "do you love grandma? Tell grandma i love you! Tell grandma I love you! Give grandma a hug and kiss! Give grandma a hug and kiss! If I come sit next to you will u then give grandma a hug and kiss?"

Sorry people but this sort of repeated asking.for affection and reassurance from children who dont want to give it is just not appropriate...there is a difference between grandma saying i love you i think about you everyday and i want to hug you all the time vs. I think about you everyday...now tell me if you think about me everyday...or tell me you love me!

In my opinion children shouldn't be pressured into emotionally taking care of the adults in their lives.

OP, this is totally different than the example in your original post.The original example would have not bothered me, pressuring a child for physical affection is too much. Just have a conversation with her, I know you live the kids to death but we are teaching the kids to respect their bodies and to know that others do not have a right to touch th when they don't feel like it. So please don't pressure or guilt the kids into hugs and kisses.