MIL to 7 yr old daughter: I think about you every day...do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PP above says, it depends on what your MIL is like otherwise. Mine would talk about everyone behind their backs (kids and adults alike) and then make all these over-the-top declarations, which always come off as fake to me.

So what. That doesn't matter to children. Stop dragging adult baggage into relationships with children.

Agree. I am so glad I have daughter so I do not have to tip toe around my future DIL to love my own grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP do you wish your DD NOT think about MIL everyday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you wish your DD NOT think about MIL everyday?

You can't be stupid enough not to realize this isn't the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why MIL is like. Mine is borderline/narcissistic and she says things like this to try to make everyone prove their love and it drives my husband crazy. Also she says "I love you" to me on the phone every time we talk even after my husband asked her to stop because it makes me uncomfortable. It sounds sweet on the surface but she's really cruel at times. I'd rather she stopped with saying super emotional things about her overwhelming love for us all and just started showing it by not being evil...

+1. I clicked on this thread because it sounded like something my narcissistic MIL would say. Fine to tell a child you think about them every day. Not fine to ask/expect reciprocity from a child. I think there's an implied guilt trip for the child that thinks "oh, wait--I actually only think of grandma when something reminds me of her, like an old lady at the store or the bracelet she gave me for my birthday." Luckily, it sounds like your child was not upset by it, but I think it's a weird thing to say to a child.

Children don't give these thing that much thought. OP is being dramatic and so are you.

Funny, that's something a narcissist would say if you called them out on their inappropriate behavior.

Actually, my husband was very damaged as a result of his mother's constant guilt trips and suffocating need for attention. He had a miserable childhood and won't talk about it even. So children may not give as much thought, but they can be damaged by it. I say this as someone with a very loving relationship with my family--we say I love you all the time. I didn't mean to say that the MIL here is necessarily like my MIL (I hope not!)--we all say dumb things sometimes. But I don't think OP was wrong to think it was weird. How weird it was can only be judged in the larger context of the MIL's actions.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she just really loves her granddaughter. Don't sour their relationship with your bitterness OP.

[Anonymous]

She sounds needy. As long as she doesn't visit so often that it rubs off on your kids, it's annoying but fine.

[Anonymous]

Im team OP. The grandma is needy as hell. She shouldnt have put that on your daughter. Really??? What was the poor kid to say after that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are a lot of borderline and narcissistic relatives who hang out on this particular forum (family relationships). You cannot trust the majority opinion here. Your reaction is the exact appropriate one and many therapists would tell you the same. Your MIL was being needy and controlling in passive aggressively communicating the idea that your DD should always be thinking of her. She was not just showing love. She was planting an expectation. The narcissists on the board will see nothing wrong with this because that is the kind of manipulative, inappropriate behavior veiled as "love" that they engage in. From one mom to another, keep your eyes open with your MIL and be ready to undo the cords of guilt that she may try to use to bind your DD to her. Even if it is not a conscious manipulation on her part, asking DD that question is inappropriate and your MIL is too old to be so emotionally immature.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two types of people in the world. Those who were loved as kids and have strong relationships with their parents and those who did not. The former is capable of understanding and encouraging close relationships with family and friends. The latter not so much.

OP, you are in the latter category.

Grandparents who are besotted with their grandkids? Wow, who would have thunk such people exist.

Oh please.
Stupid statement.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one with you, OP. You said the right thing to your child. When an adult doesn't have good boundaries, it can really do a number on kids, so you made it clear to her that it's fine however she feels. What she was doing was the emotional equivalent of insisting a child kiss her. Maybe the child wanted to, maybe not, but it's important we teach our children about healthy boundaries of all kinds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you wish your DD NOT think about MIL everyday?

You can't be stupid enough not to realize this isn't the point.

no? OP wouldn't react differently if the same exact words were coming her own mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you wish your DD NOT think about MIL everyday?

You can't be stupid enough not to realize this isn't the point.

no? OP wouldn't react differently if the same exact words were coming her own mother?

So, you really are stupid after all. Whether coming from a MIL or a mother or the third cousin twice removed named Esther, the question posed to OP's daughter was inappropriate. Now, get a life. It is clear you're someone's borderline personality-having MIL who is projecting problems with your DIL's mother onto OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm ok with the MIL's behavior until "Do you think about me?" That was definitely out of line. It is really, really weird to me that other posters don't see how inappropriate that is.

That being said, maybe it was just a one time slip. Try not to hold it against your MIL...unless you notice a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you wish your DD NOT think about MIL everyday?

You can't be stupid enough not to realize this isn't the point.

no? OP wouldn't react differently if the same exact words were coming her own mother?

It isn't appropriate from any family member. The only relationship in which "I think about you every day...do you think about me?" is appropriate to say is a spousal relationship. It would be ok if my husband asked me that. But if DH asked me that, I would assume that he had a horrible day or something like that because it is a very, very needy thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a stoic family so maybe my radar is broken but this comment left me feeling...nauseated.

MIL was here last weekend. Her emotional style is so very different from mine so our personalities clash. Im not cold and unaffectionate by any means but Im just so put off sometimes by her excessive emotionality. She was fawning over my 7 year old DD with comments like "you are the most beautiful granddaughter in the entire world!" and "youre so special!" and "I think about you every day! Do you think about me?"

Oh vommit! The last comment just felt completely inappropriate for a grandparent/adult to say to a child. After she left, I told my daughter its ok if shes doesnt think about grandma every day. My daughter tells me "no mama I DO think about grandma EVERY day because I love her!"

All right, DCUMers, have at it...am I a cold hearted bitch of a DIL for being put off by this remark and telling DD its ok if she doesnt think of grandma every day...or was MIL being inappropriate in asking my daughter for assurance that shes on her mind every day? WTF?!?

Maybe I need psychological help for wanting to puke when MIL fawns all over DD

Save your vomit for something more worhty of it.

There's a big difference between a grandparent saying that and a generic adult saying that. That is, to spell it out, the former is ok, the latter is not. I can't believe you need to be told.

Seriously, you need therapy