MIL to 7 yr old daughter: I think about you every day...do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

IMO, those of you who have extended family far away have a responsibility to foster relationships with those people for your children. My parents sucked at that and as an adult I have very few relationships with aunts/uncles/grandparents. It's not some terrible thing to teach your children that love can remain strong despite distance. Sounds like with some of you cold fish it's out of sight out of mind. Can't exactly blame grandparents in that kind of situation for wanting to lavish affection on their grandkids during the few times they actually get to see them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP, and want to add that you should probably ignore and move on from this one, but be prepared to nicely step in and make some boundaries of it progresses.

For example, my MIL was very whiny, begging my kids at preschool and toddler ages to "tell Grandma you love me, say I love you Grandma" over and over, before they really could even say it correctly, make them repeat it, over and over, then get out her cell phone video so she could record it, then getting upset when it wasn't right on the video.

It goes along with forcing hugs, sitting on laps, etc, whichever can be normal and loving, but like you pointed out it is hard to get the nuance and intent on written form like this. It IS different when a MIL is forcing a kid on her lap who is crying to get away, can feel shame and guilt from Grandma and gets anxious about interacting and parents need to deal with that.

In my case, we had to have a conversation about not whining and begging the kids to visit her vacation home that we are not planning on traveling to (for a variety of reasons). "Oh now Pookie, Grandma is going to be so sad if you don't come visit. I have toys for you and will cry if you don't come. Don't you want to see the orange tree I have? We can pick oranges every morning ." Not cool to do to a 5 year old who is not going to get to go

[Anonymous]

Oh, boy, I talk that way to my own son (except asking if he thinks about me). I just tell him I love him to pieces. Specifically because I was also raised in a Mr. Spock household. Zero emotions. And I don't want my kid growing up like that.

In any event, I think everything she said was fine until the last part, looking for reciprocation. You don't have to be comfortable with it, but honestly, don't you "want" your kid to be exposed to loving relatives? Not everyone is going to be exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two types of people in the world. Those who were loved as kids and have strong relationships with their parents and those who did not. The former is capable of understanding and encouraging close relationships with family and friends. The latter not so much.

OP, you are in the latter category.

Grandparents who are besotted with their grandkids? Wow, who would have thunk such people exist.

NP. This is offensive.
My parents & grandmother loved me very much, and displayed this as they were capable of doing.
They're not overly effusive people and didn't tell me that I was the special-ist snowflake that ever existed. I have a great relationship with my parents as an adult and am a competent and capable adult.

OP - I have an older half sibling and her other parent acts much like your MIL. I spend a lot, of the very limited time I spend with their family, just sitting there, wondering why they engage in the way they do. MIL simply shows love differently than you are used to, and for the most part I agree that you're just going to have to get over that. I do understand your concerns about soliciting behaviors from a grandchild that wants to please, so I would continue to monitor and if becomes ongoing issue, step in. But pick your battles when it's just a different display of love than you are accustomed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was perfectly normal. It is a grandparent's job to coddle the children. Grandma might also be overcompensating because she see that you do not do it. Either way, smile and let grandma enjoy her precious grandchild. If it bothers you that much then leave the room and go do something else since the child is in capable hands. Change your perspective and try not to be so negative.

Agree.

What a blessing to your daughter to have such a loving grandma who expresses her love so freely.

This is a GOOD thing OP. If it is too much for you just go in another room.

I agree. My grandparents were very loving and it really made me feel special and loved. They are long gone but I still treasure those memories and they are still part of who I am today. It's really, really good for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your radar is off. My mom and MIL fawn over our kids and I LOVE IT. I want my kids to be in loving relationships with good people. I want my kids to know what it feels like to love and be loved. And I quite frequently tell my kids "I was thinking about you today ". As another poster pointed out, take a cue from your kid.

+1 Life can be tough, and having such a foundation of love and support is invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As uou know, its difficult to convey nonverbal communication via internet so I will reference pop culture and media. "You are special"or "I think about you every day"sounds lovely the way Mr.Rogers says it to his audience. I would be put off if Mr. Rogers said "I think about you every day...do you think about me?" and frankly I think there would be a media backlash if he said that.

As a PP said, what if my daughter had answered "no, I dont think about you every day?" And hypersensitive grandma had started crying? she gave dd a guilty hurt look once when dd didnt want to hug grandma. Output

I think I can deal with the fawning even though its not my style but it irks me when she solicits a 7 yr old for reassurance that "yes grandma, I think about you every day!"

It would be different if grandma had said "i think of you every day" and DD volunteered spontaneously "i think about you too every day, grandma!" But its the invasive, solicitous nature of the comment to a CHILD that naturally wants to please that bothers me.

Again, maybe Im just stoic but is "do you think about me" a bit...weird?

Agree though the bigger picture is she loves her and shes simply not around her enough to teach the expectation that her that her daily thoughts should include grandma.

Didn't help your cause.

You are still reading this wrong and overeacting.

[Anonymous]

I think your actions were perfect. Just like we don't want to force our children to hug or kiss relatives (or anyone) they don't want to, we want to make sure they don't feel forced to feel or say things by emotionally manipulative people.

You told her, and she reassured you, and I think that for now, you've done everything right and don't need to take it further. You haven't impeded their relationship at all; you just checked in to make sure your daughter didn't feel weird or pressured.

I don't think I can judge whether your feelings about it are healthy or normal or not because we all have such different backgrounds and cultures and experiences, but I would have done the same things as you in this situation. If your feelings bother you, that's one thing, and therapy is awesome for that. If you're ok with them, I think it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why MIL is like. Mine is borderline/narcissistic and she says things like this to try to make everyone prove their love and it drives my husband crazy. Also she says "I love you" to me on the phone every time we talk even after my husband asked her to stop because it makes me uncomfortable. It sounds sweet on the surface but she's really cruel at times. I'd rather she stopped with saying super emotional things about her overwhelming love for us all and just started showing it by not being evil...

+1. I clicked on this thread because it sounded like something my narcissistic MIL would say. Fine to tell a child you think about them every day. Not fine to ask/expect reciprocity from a child. I think there's an implied guilt trip for the child that thinks "oh, wait--I actually only think of grandma when something reminds me of her, like an old lady at the store or the bracelet she gave me for my birthday." Luckily, it sounds like your child was not upset by it, but I think it's a weird thing to say to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why MIL is like. Mine is borderline/narcissistic and she says things like this to try to make everyone prove their love and it drives my husband crazy. Also she says "I love you" to me on the phone every time we talk even after my husband asked her to stop because it makes me uncomfortable. It sounds sweet on the surface but she's really cruel at times. I'd rather she stopped with saying super emotional things about her overwhelming love for us all and just started showing it by not being evil...

+1. I clicked on this thread because it sounded like something my narcissistic MIL would say. Fine to tell a child you think about them every day. Not fine to ask/expect reciprocity from a child. I think there's an implied guilt trip for the child that thinks "oh, wait--I actually only think of grandma when something reminds me of her, like an old lady at the store or the bracelet she gave me for my birthday." Luckily, it sounds like your child was not upset by it, but I think it's a weird thing to say to a child.

Children don't give these thing that much thought. OP is being dramatic and so are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why MIL is like. Mine is borderline/narcissistic and she says things like this to try to make everyone prove their love and it drives my husband crazy. Also she says "I love you" to me on the phone every time we talk even after my husband asked her to stop because it makes me uncomfortable. It sounds sweet on the surface but she's really cruel at times. I'd rather she stopped with saying super emotional things about her overwhelming love for us all and just started showing it by not being evil...

+1. I clicked on this thread because it sounded like something my narcissistic MIL would say. Fine to tell a child you think about them every day. Not fine to ask/expect reciprocity from a child. I think there's an implied guilt trip for the child that thinks "oh, wait--I actually only think of grandma when something reminds me of her, like an old lady at the store or the bracelet she gave me for my birthday." Luckily, it sounds like your child was not upset by it, but I think it's a weird thing to say to a child.

Children don't give these thing that much thought. OP is being dramatic and so are you.

Funny, that's something a narcissist would say if you called them out on their inappropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason it's great when kids have many adults, with many styles, who love them. It's fine for you to feel how you feel, but it would be wrong to step in between them bc it makes YOU uncomfortable. Take your cue from your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your actions were perfect. Just like we don't want to force our children to hug or kiss relatives (or anyone) they don't want to, we want to make sure they don't feel forced to feel or say things by emotionally manipulative people.

You told her, and she reassured you, and I think that for now, you've done everything right and don't need to take it further. You haven't impeded their relationship at all; you just checked in to make sure your daughter didn't feel weird or pressured.

I don't think I can judge whether your feelings about it are healthy or normal or not because we all have such different backgrounds and cultures and experiences, but I would have done the same things as you in this situation. If your feelings bother you, that's one thing, and therapy is awesome for that. If you're ok with them, I think it's fine.

I agree. It was good that you reassured DD that she didn't need to reciprocate MIL's fawning. Take your cue from DD and keep your mom radar on.

[Anonymous]

It would bug me and I would view it as manipulative. Fine to say she thinks of your daughter, but wrong to push her into saying ypur daughter thinks of her.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a lot of borderline and narcissistic relatives who hang out on this particular forum (family relationships). You cannot trust the majority opinion here. Your reaction is the exact appropriate one and many therapists would tell you the same. Your MIL was being needy and controlling in passive aggressively communicating the idea that your DD should always be thinking of her. She was not just showing love. She was planting an expectation. The narcissists on the board will see nothing wrong with this because that is the kind of manipulative, inappropriate behavior veiled as "love" that they engage in. From one mom to another, keep your eyes open with your MIL and be ready to undo the cords of guilt that she may try to use to bind your DD to her. Even if it is not a conscious manipulation on her part, asking DD that question is inappropriate and your MIL is too old to be so emotionally immature.