MIL to 7 yr old daughter: I think about you every day...do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the PPs defending MIL. The declarations of love are fine, but the second she asked the DD to reciprocate, she crossed a line. What if the answer had been "No, I don't think about you every day, Grandma?" Would the DD have felt comfortable saying that, or guilty? I think OP handled the situation correctly and is right to be concerned. No one should act needy towards a child.

Oh, please. Let it go.
Concerned? Really?
She crossed no “line.” It was a conversation between DD and MIL.
Seven-year-olds are quite honest in their responses.

09:45 here again. I HAD a grandmother like this. She lived halfway across the country and I hardly ever saw her. Whenever she would visit, she would want to snuggle us and say stuff like that and have us say it back, but to us, she was essentially a stranger. I didn't want her to cuddle me and I certainly didn't think about her daily, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. Still, she made us feel so guilty if we didn't reciprocate her once a year lovefest. It was all about her.

And maybe that is what she needed. Maybe she grew up during the great depression, or the Holocaust, or WWII and didn't have that in her life. Maybe her mother was thrown into an insane asylum when she was 3 and she needed that affection and attention as a young child so she gives it to the grand babies. When we start to try to understand one another we will be much happier and stop making non-issues into something that nothing to be concerned about. There are bigger issues in the world that we could be investing our energy into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the PPs defending MIL. The declarations of love are fine, but the second she asked the DD to reciprocate, she crossed a line. What if the answer had been "No, I don't think about you every day, Grandma?" Would the DD have felt comfortable saying that, or guilty? I think OP handled the situation correctly and is right to be concerned. No one should act needy towards a child.

Oh, please. Let it go.
Concerned? Really?
She crossed no “line.” It was a conversation between DD and MIL.
Seven-year-olds are quite honest in their responses.

09:45 here again. I HAD a grandmother like this. She lived halfway across the country and I hardly ever saw her. Whenever she would visit, she would want to snuggle us and say stuff like that and have us say it back, but to us, she was essentially a stranger. I didn't want her to cuddle me and I certainly didn't think about her daily, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. Still, she made us feel so guilty if we didn't reciprocate her once a year lovefest. It was all about her.

And maybe that is what she needed. Maybe she grew up during the great depression, or the Holocaust, or WWII and didn't have that in her life. Maybe her mother was thrown into an insane asylum when she was 3 and she needed that affection and attention as a young child so she gives it to the grand babies. When we start to try to understand one another we will be much happier and stop making non-issues into something that nothing to be concerned about. There are bigger issues in the world that we could be investing our energy into.

And yes this may sound all over the place not make the best of sense but you get the bottom line. Accept love when it is given.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As uou know, its difficult to convey nonverbal communication via internet so I will reference pop culture and media. "You are special"or "I think about you every day"sounds lovely the way Mr.Rogers says it to his audience. I would be put off if Mr. Rogers said "I think about you every day...do you think about me?" and frankly I think there would be a media backlash if he said that.

As a PP said, what if my daughter had answered "no, I dont think about you every day?" And hypersensitive grandma had started crying? she gave dd a guilty hurt look once when dd didnt want to hug grandma. Output

I think I can deal with the fawning even though its not my style but it irks me when she solicits a 7 yr old for reassurance that "yes grandma, I think about you every day!"

It would be different if grandma had said "i think of you every day" and DD volunteered spontaneously "i think about you too every day, grandma!" But its the invasive, solicitous nature of the comment to a CHILD that naturally wants to please that bothers me.

Again, maybe Im just stoic but is "do you think about me" a bit...weird?

Agree though the bigger picture is she loves her and shes simply not around her enough to teach the expectation that her that her daily thoughts should include grandma.

[Anonymous]

OP the same you explained it here is how you should say it grammy and preface it with you don't mean to hurt her feelings, but.... Open communication is key.

[Anonymous]

There are two types of people in the world. Those who were loved as kids and have strong relationships with their parents and those who did not. The former is capable of understanding and encouraging close relationships with family and friends. The latter not so much.

OP, you are in the latter category.

Grandparents who are besotted with their grandkids? Wow, who would have thunk such people exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why MIL is like. Mine is borderline/narcissistic and she says things like this to try to make everyone prove their love and it drives my husband crazy. Also she says "I love you" to me on the phone every time we talk even after my husband asked her to stop because it makes me uncomfortable. It sounds sweet on the surface but she's really cruel at times. I'd rather she stopped with saying super emotional things about her overwhelming love for us all and just started showing it by not being evil...

I have to agree with this suggestion that expressing emotion is fine until it becomes narcissism and emotional control. Most of what OP says the grandmother does is fine, but the guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail of "I think of you every day/ do you thing of me every day" goes over the line by putting the child in the place of filling the grandparent's emotional need for reciprocation. It is highly unlikely that any child thinks of any grandparent daily, and that is totally OK, but this grandmother has just planted in the child's head that she must think of grandmother every day ... if she doesn't, she will feel guilty. Children at this age are extremely literal thinkers. OP's light touch instinct to counter that sentiment with "it's OK not to think of grandma every day" balances the potential for misunderstanding. It is nice that the little girl does think of grandma, but just in case her true thoughts inside her head were the opposite, she needed to hear that it was OK and normal.

Other than that, yes, it is a grandparent's job to fawn over grandchildren with pure love and no judgment. Accept it as the gift that it is.

[Anonymous]

say it to grammy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the PPs defending MIL. The declarations of love are fine, but the second she asked the DD to reciprocate, she crossed a line. What if the answer had been "No, I don't think about you every day, Grandma?" Would the DD have felt comfortable saying that, or guilty? I think OP handled the situation correctly and is right to be concerned. No one should act needy towards a child.

Oh, please. Let it go.
Concerned? Really?
She crossed no “line.” It was a conversation between DD and MIL.
Seven-year-olds are quite honest in their responses.

09:45 here again. I HAD a grandmother like this. She lived halfway across the country and I hardly ever saw her. Whenever she would visit, she would want to snuggle us and say stuff like that and have us say it back, but to us, she was essentially a stranger. I didn't want her to cuddle me and I certainly didn't think about her daily, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. Still, she made us feel so guilty if we didn't reciprocate her once a year lovefest. It was all about her.

And maybe that is what she needed. Maybe she grew up during the great depression, or the Holocaust, or WWII and didn't have that in her life. Maybe her mother was thrown into an insane asylum when she was 3 and she needed that affection and attention as a young child so she gives it to the grand babies. When we start to try to understand one another we will be much happier and stop making non-issues into something that nothing to be concerned about. There are bigger issues in the world that we could be investing our energy into.

But she was an adult, looking for reassurance from a child. How is that not inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'm the same way as you and my MIL is the same way as yours. I think my MIL is being manipulative, trying to establish herself as the preferred grandparent bc my family is more reserved and would never say lunatic things like that.

My MIL used to keep on saying I love you so much you are so amazing precious etc etc but I never say it back and she's cut back quite a bit. I would just make my disdain known.

[Anonymous]

Well since you asked....yes, you do sound like a cold hearted bitch to me. And besides, who is the one having an over the top emotional reaction in this situation? YOU are. Way to make a mountain out of a molehill lady.

[Anonymous]

That last one would rub me the wrong way too. I don't like people asking for love that way. When you, an adult, ask for it, it loses sincerity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That last one would rub me the wrong way too. I don't like people asking for love that way. When you, an adult, ask for it, it loses sincerity.

It's such a terrible thing to teach children that adults need love too? What is insincere about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're overthinking things. DD sounds like she's fine, despite the needy grandma. I would forget about it,

Yep, not really much else to say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all the PPs defending MIL. The declarations of love are fine, but the second she asked the DD to reciprocate, she crossed a line. What if the answer had been "No, I don't think about you every day, Grandma?" Would the DD have felt comfortable saying that, or guilty? I think OP handled the situation correctly and is right to be concerned. No one should act needy towards a child.

Oh, please. Let it go.
Concerned? Really?
She crossed no “line.” It was a conversation between DD and MIL.
Seven-year-olds are quite honest in their responses.

09:45 here again. I HAD a grandmother like this. She lived halfway across the country and I hardly ever saw her. Whenever she would visit, she would want to snuggle us and say stuff like that and have us say it back, but to us, she was essentially a stranger. I didn't want her to cuddle me and I certainly didn't think about her daily, but that didn't mean I didn't love her. Still, she made us feel so guilty if we didn't reciprocate her once a year lovefest. It was all about her.

And maybe that is what she needed. Maybe she grew up during the great depression, or the Holocaust, or WWII and didn't have that in her life. Maybe her mother was thrown into an insane asylum when she was 3 and she needed that affection and attention as a young child so she gives it to the grand babies. When we start to try to understand one another we will be much happier and stop making non-issues into something that nothing to be concerned about. There are bigger issues in the world that we could be investing our energy into.

But she was an adult, looking for reassurance from a child. How is that not inappropriate?

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That last one would rub me the wrong way too. I don't like people asking for love that way. When you, an adult, ask for it, it loses sincerity.

But that is your issue. Don't project that on a child.