Men, how do you feel about being cheated on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

This is my husband's thought process as well. We have been married 11 years and I am still trying to convince him that sex can be just sex for women too - he is not buying it. He even get jealous when I use a dildo so I think that having sex with another man would be devastating to him - which is pretty much the only reason why I have not done it.

Your husband is jealous of a dildo? Sorry but that is nonsense. Any many who reacts that way, unless you are giving all your attention to the dildo, has feelings of inadequacy and not jealousy.

But when it comes to letting their wives have sex with other men, and there are those who do, it still isn't something easily done no matter how confident the man is. There is always that chance of a sexual interest turning into an emotional involvement. Can be that for men but usually is a greater possibility with women.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through the thread, but I can tell you what if feels like to be cheated on - more than once. It finally gave me the breathing room to jettison my wife. Her affairs were a symptom of emotional disturbance. I told her in counseling that they were on her conscience and that I did not care, but that if she were unhappy she would need to look inside herself to find the source of that unhappiness. It wasn't me. I also told her that in the end, the reason for our divorce was not the cheating per se, but her emotional and physical as well as financial abuse of me. If it were only the cheating, I probably would've stuck with it for the kids and found my own strange on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

OP here - As I wrote in my previous post, simplistic of views of men and women like these are how you get screwed over in real life. You should be paying attention to the real attitudes that the flesh and blood woman you are with holds about sex, not projecting some nonsense you learned in grade school.


I come off as sweet, prim, and proper. Skirts, dresses, and used to go to Sunday School. But I also happen to not ascribe any real importance to sex beyond scratching an itch. I am about as emotionally attached to any given conquest as I was to the burger I ate last night. Men go selectively deaf when I am frank about my beliefs or think that it is cute I am trying to shock them. In reality, I am being frank about what I really think. When I act on my beliefs, they then want to cry foul.

I suspect that women like me are more common than people realize. There is this ridiculous social pressure on women to express puritanical views of sex that we may not hold.

I completely and totallly agree with you!!!

Even though I've never cheated on this DH, I have cheated before this relationship. Sometimes it was with men I really hoped/wanted a real relationship with... but many times it was just a hot available man, the right situation, and the ability to create more "right situations" and keep it going. There was even one guy who was so good looking and so good in bed, but I could barely have a conversation with him. I never thought I was capable of dating someone just for the sex, but there I was, doing exactly that.

If society wasn't as patriarchal and sexist and oppressive to women expressing their full sexuality as it is, there would be a LOT more issues with female cheating. And if only more women felt comfy calling their men's bluff on the "it's common and it's human" thing by saying "Ok, as long as I can do it too, we're good". We have really good friends where the DH was about to cheat but he knew his wife was too smart and would catch him, so he asked permission. She said onlly if she could too. They both did, then his "friend" ended it but his wife was having a good time with her friend and he flipped the f out. Told her he was devastated and it needed to end and she had to cut off all contact. Really? It was his stupid frickin idea that he cheat and now he can't handle the flipside. They are no longer married.

This is fascinating to me. I am 50 and I didn't know any women like this when I was in college or afterwards, but I have met some more recently. I really do wonder if this is a generational thing. In terms of sex, I really have trouble separating the physical from the emotional attachment.

Either way is fine (sex without any emotion OR an inability to separate the two) as long as you can be honest with yourself. There are probably more women who can enjoy just the physical aspect of sex, but for many years, we haven't been allowed to express that.

Maybe it has more to do with your friendship circle. I'm 47 and have always been able to separate the two. It's the same with the majority of my girlfriends, both younger and older. Casual sex is nothing new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the OP's whole point in this thread other than to get people riled up? Yes, OP, we know that at the drop of a hat men will have sex with you. So what? It's been that way since the Romans.

Not OP, but maybe you should read a bit more carefully? She actually asked a question, which in the shadow of the zillion posts re: Ashley Madison is a very interesting question.

And wow, is OP really old enough to have been around since Romans to be hit on? That is staying power...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

Good for you! The hypocrisy is astounding, but it's also historic and deeply embedded in most cultures.

Yup, reciprocal hall passes it must be if there's gonna be sex outside the marriage. Any husband who wants to cheat or is cheating who can't explain why the wife can't do it too... well, why would you stay with someone like that? Although I wouldn't stay with anyone who lies to me and has sex behind my back in the first place. And I've had it tested, and I broke up with him and never looked back. Got a much better man as a result!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

OP here - As I wrote in my previous post, simplistic of views of men and women like these are how you get screwed over in real life. You should be paying attention to the real attitudes that the flesh and blood woman you are with holds about sex, not projecting some nonsense you learned in grade school.


I come off as sweet, prim, and proper. Skirts, dresses, and used to go to Sunday School. But I also happen to not ascribe any real importance to sex beyond scratching an itch. I am about as emotionally attached to any given conquest as I was to the burger I ate last night. Men go selectively deaf when I am frank about my beliefs or think that it is cute I am trying to shock them. In reality, I am being frank about what I really think. When I act on my beliefs, they then want to cry foul.

I suspect that women like me are more common than people realize. There is this ridiculous social pressure on women to express puritanical views of sex that we may not hold.

I completely and totallly agree with you!!!

Even though I've never cheated on this DH, I have cheated before this relationship. Sometimes it was with men I really hoped/wanted a real relationship with... but many times it was just a hot available man, the right situation, and the ability to create more "right situations" and keep it going. There was even one guy who was so good looking and so good in bed, but I could barely have a conversation with him. I never thought I was capable of dating someone just for the sex, but there I was, doing exactly that.

If society wasn't as patriarchal and sexist and oppressive to women expressing their full sexuality as it is, there would be a LOT more issues with female cheating. And if only more women felt comfy calling their men's bluff on the "it's common and it's human" thing by saying "Ok, as long as I can do it too, we're good". We have really good friends where the DH was about to cheat but he knew his wife was too smart and would catch him, so he asked permission. She said onlly if she could too. They both did, then his "friend" ended it but his wife was having a good time with her friend and he flipped the f out. Told her he was devastated and it needed to end and she had to cut off all contact. Really? It was his stupid frickin idea that he cheat and now he can't handle the flipside. They are no longer married.

This is fascinating to me. I am 50 and I didn't know any women like this when I was in college or afterwards, but I have met some more recently. I really do wonder if this is a generational thing. In terms of sex, I really have trouble separating the physical from the emotional attachment.

Either way is fine (sex without any emotion OR an inability to separate the two) as long as you can be honest with yourself. There are probably more women who can enjoy just the physical aspect of sex, but for many years, we haven't been allowed to express that.

Maybe it has more to do with your friendship circle. I'm 47 and have always been able to separate the two. It's the same with the majority of my girlfriends, both younger and older. Casual sex is nothing new.

Yup, I'm 49 and I'm the person who the 50 yr old is replying to. It's not age/generation, although it probably is a bit about location/local culture, family culture (i.e. in general, how much were girls/women in your family encouraged to be self-sufficient and be anyone they wanted to be? Or how much were they restricted to certain roles and told what they could and couldn't do?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of posts by men in the Ashley Madison threads acting blasé about male cheating and suggesting it should be acceptable or expected. Do you feel the same way about being cheated on?

I had a boyfriend who used to talk a good game about monogamy being unnatural. As it turns out, I have a roving eye. So, I cheated on him with a craig's list hook up and he found out when I accidentally left unsent a steamy e-mail I wrote the other guy. I had gone to bed before my boyfriend came home and was actually woken up by his cry of agony. He literally cried out loud as if he had been stabbed in the belly or something. I was very surprised by his histrionics and tears, and felt bad. I kept seeing the craig's list hook up and left my boyfriend for him. My ex reacted very badly and became obsessed with me. All these years later, I am still incredulous at how devastated he was by my cheating. I would like to understand the male psyche better.

Would you be understanding if you found your wife's name on the Ashley Madison list? Do you feel that female cheating is somehow more wrong or surprising?

Damn, that is crazy.

It is something I have never understood either. I have never cheated or been cheated on but I just remember the absolute UPROAR when Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson a couple years ago. People acted like she had beaten a baby to death. It was a national scandal.

Since then I have always felt perplexed by the outsized reactions to women cheating on men. It seems like it really triggers something in people, some very irrational place. I can't imagine being soooo devastated by infidelity that I let out a wrenching scream... I mean, come on...

It is nice to hear I am not alone in my feeling on all of this. I just don't see cheating as some grave sin, like murder, rape, theft, etc. It's a private wrong between two parties, and its seldom as simple as a cheater being a scumbag. Perhaps its because I easily separate sex from love. And have seen so many people cheat (AM leak confirms its rampant). Cheating causes me to shrug. So to answer the OPs question, if my DW cheated on me, I would look at that in context with any other things that spouses do in the context of an otherwise happy marriage. The mere fact that some man stuck his penis in my wife's vagina doesn't cause some intense reaction. It's not like she was a virgin when she met. I know I am an outlier here, based on all the vitriol going on.

It's nice to hear that a guy thinks that way. I think i can definitely be a wake up call that something is wrong in the relationship, but if you really care about someone, I think it's absurd to end things over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Also, women have it wayyyyy easier in finding casual sex. So if men are gonna play the "open relationship" game, they're gonna lose. Every time.

OP here - many of my exes found this out the hard way. If I am in the mood to cheat, all I need to do is smile at a cute guy in the elevator and give him that "you should get off at my floor" look. I don't even have to dress nicely. Penis is cheap and ubiquitous.

Yes it is. It's low cost and availability gives it barely any market value, if we're being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

Ahahahaha. That's hilarious

Two can play that game- and women will ALWAYS play it better. It's just a fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

I feel pretty much the exact opposite. I am a woman, and I speculate that it's easier for a man to get over the emotional component of an affair than the sexual one. I had an affair when I was married to my first husband. We sought therapy and attempted to reconcile for over a year. In therapy, we discussed emotional needs and all the problems that lead up to the affair. My affair partner filled an emotional void in my life, but my husband didn't care about that so much. What bothered him the most and what he could never move past was the fact that I had had sex with another man. He flat-out said it.

They have done studies and yes- men care more about sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity. Supposedly it's the reverse for women.

[Anonymous]

People need to put away their Snow White and Prince Charming expectations and grow up. No one's perfect people are emotional people are impulsive people are selfish people are sneaky people are people.

[Anonymous]

Cousin A cheated on his wife. Shit happens. Too bad. Divorced

Cousin B's wife cheated on him. Slut. How could she? Divorced

DH thought the 2nd scenario was much more damaging to the children,. BS!

DH thinks that women need love and emotions to have sex. Uh - No we don't. I know I don't!

Society still has a double standard. Its ok for a guy to get a release before he gets hoem to wifey and kids. Guess what fellas? Its ok for wifey to get a release before she gets home to hubby and kids, too, then.

Fair is fair!

[Anonymous]

Everyone listen to Counselor Brown and Wayne.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

Ahahahaha. That's hilarious

Two can play that game- and women will ALWAYS play it better. It's just a fact of life.

You go girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of posts by men in the Ashley Madison threads acting blasé about male cheating and suggesting it should be acceptable or expected. Do you feel the same way about being cheated on?

I had a boyfriend who used to talk a good game about monogamy being unnatural. As it turns out, I have a roving eye. So, I cheated on him with a craig's list hook up and he found out when I accidentally left unsent a steamy e-mail I wrote the other guy. I had gone to bed before my boyfriend came home and was actually woken up by his cry of agony. He literally cried out loud as if he had been stabbed in the belly or something. I was very surprised by his histrionics and tears, and felt bad. I kept seeing the craig's list hook up and left my boyfriend for him. My ex reacted very badly and became obsessed with me. All these years later, I am still incredulous at how devastated he was by my cheating. I would like to understand the male psyche better.

Would you be understanding if you found your wife's name on the Ashley Madison list? Do you feel that female cheating is somehow more wrong or surprising?

Given DW's lack of interest in what was once a hot sex life with me, I'd tell her I'll be seeing a divorce lawyer ASAP and she better be prepared for a notable downgrade in her standard of living.

Your BF sounds like he planted the seed, so to speak, whereas I have not strayed in 28 yrs though it has been tempting (and AFAIK neither has DW).... I have been cheated on prior to getting married and it is a devastating betrayal IMO unless you have an agreement or arrangement that permits that.