Men, how do you feel about being cheated on?

[Anonymous]

OP undoubtedly gets off on the ex bf becoming obsessed. She sounds a little bit pathetic with some kind of need to show sexual dominance over men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Also, women have it wayyyyy easier in finding casual sex. So if men are gonna play the "open relationship" game, they're gonna lose. Every time.

OP here - many of my exes found this out the hard way. If I am in the mood to cheat, all I need to do is smile at a cute guy in the elevator and give him that "you should get off at my floor" look. I don't even have to dress nicely. Penis is cheap and ubiquitous.

Some are, some aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of posts by men in the Ashley Madison threads acting blasé about male cheating and suggesting it should be acceptable or expected. Do you feel the same way about being cheated on?

I had a boyfriend who used to talk a good game about monogamy being unnatural. As it turns out, I have a roving eye. So, I cheated on him with a craig's list hook up and he found out when I accidentally left unsent a steamy e-mail I wrote the other guy. I had gone to bed before my boyfriend came home and was actually woken up by his cry of agony. He literally cried out loud as if he had been stabbed in the belly or something. I was very surprised by his histrionics and tears, and felt bad. I kept seeing the craig's list hook up and left my boyfriend for him. My ex reacted very badly and became obsessed with me. All these years later, I am still incredulous at how devastated he was by my cheating. I would like to understand the male psyche better.

Would you be understanding if you found your wife's name on the Ashley Madison list? Do you feel that female cheating is somehow more wrong or surprising?

Damn, that is crazy.

It is something I have never understood either. I have never cheated or been cheated on but I just remember the absolute UPROAR when Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson a couple years ago. People acted like she had beaten a baby to death. It was a national scandal.

It is nice to hear I am not alone in my feeling on all of this. I just don't see cheating as some grave sin, like murder, rape, theft, etc. It's a private wrong between two parties, and its seldom as simple as a cheater being a scumbag. Perhaps its because I easily separate sex from love. And have seen so many people cheat (AM leak confirms its rampant). Cheating causes me to shrug. So to answer the OPs question, if my DW cheated on me, I would look at that in context with any other things that spouses do in the context of an otherwise happy marriage. The mere fact that some man stuck his penis in my wife's vagina doesn't cause some intense reaction. It's not like she was a virgin when she met. I know I am an outlier here, based on all the vitriol going on.

Since then I have always felt perplexed by the outsized reactions to women cheating on men. It seems like it really triggers something in people, some very irrational place. I can't imagine being soooo devastated by infidelity that I let out a wrenching scream... I mean, come on...

[Anonymous]

What is the OP's whole point in this thread other than to get people riled up? Yes, OP, we know that at the drop of a hat men will have sex with you. So what? It's been that way since the Romans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

OP here - As I wrote in my previous post, simplistic of views of men and women like these are how you get screwed over in real life. You should be paying attention to the real attitudes that the flesh and blood woman you are with holds about sex, not projecting some nonsense you learned in grade school.


I come off as sweet, prim, and proper. Skirts, dresses, and used to go to Sunday School. But I also happen to not ascribe any real importance to sex beyond scratching an itch. I am about as emotionally attached to any given conquest as I was to the burger I ate last night. Men go selectively deaf when I am frank about my beliefs or think that it is cute I am trying to shock them. In reality, I am being frank about what I really think. When I act on my beliefs, they then want to cry foul.

I suspect that women like me are more common than people realize. There is this ridiculous social pressure on women to express puritanical views of sex that we may not hold.

I completely and totallly agree with you!!!

Even though I've never cheated on this DH, I have cheated before this relationship. Sometimes it was with men I really hoped/wanted a real relationship with... but many times it was just a hot available man, the right situation, and the ability to create more "right situations" and keep it going. There was even one guy who was so good looking and so good in bed, but I could barely have a conversation with him. I never thought I was capable of dating someone just for the sex, but there I was, doing exactly that.

If society wasn't as patriarchal and sexist and oppressive to women expressing their full sexuality as it is, there would be a LOT more issues with female cheating. And if only more women felt comfy calling their men's bluff on the "it's common and it's human" thing by saying "Ok, as long as I can do it too, we're good". We have really good friends where the DH was about to cheat but he knew his wife was too smart and would catch him, so he asked permission. She said onlly if she could too. They both did, then his "friend" ended it but his wife was having a good time with her friend and he flipped the f out. Told her he was devastated and it needed to end and she had to cut off all contact. Really? It was his stupid frickin idea that he cheat and now he can't handle the flipside. They are no longer married.

This is fascinating to me. I am 50 and I didn't know any women like this when I was in college or afterwards, but I have met some more recently. I really do wonder if this is a generational thing. In terms of sex, I really have trouble separating the physical from the emotional attachment.

Either way is fine (sex without any emotion OR an inability to separate the two) as long as you can be honest with yourself. There are probably more women who can enjoy just the physical aspect of sex, but for many years, we haven't been allowed to express that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

This is my husband's thought process as well. We have been married 11 years and I am still trying to convince him that sex can be just sex for women too - he is not buying it. He even get jealous when I use a dildo so I think that having sex with another man would be devastating to him - which is pretty much the only reason why I have not done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really sure how I'd react.

I guess it would depend on the specifics of the situation. I've long suspected she still has strong feelings for her ex boyfriend and they've even spent time together over the last few years in situations where they could easily have cheated and never been found out. That one would hurt. And I think I'd have to let her go because if she still isn't over him after all these years, she never will be. If it were a random one-night-stand type of thing I'd probably forgive her but we'd have to sort some things out because it would mean that much of what she's told me about her sexual needs is bullshit.

Interestingly, on the issue of the emotional connection to sex she has been glaringly contradictory. She has insisted that she can only have sex with someone she loves, but later admitted to having casual sex and when it comes to our sex life, she has basically said sex is just sex and has little or no emotional significance.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty sure that my wife has cheated on me. Without discussing it we have worked hard on a variety of issues and have what would be considered a happy marriage with an active sex life.

Every couple hurts each other somewhere along the line and this is my hurt. But we love each other and the positives far outweigh the negatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

I admire a smart and bold woman!! Both also add to the attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women don't cheat...only men.

LMAO

My ex did and she got an STD from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are territorial: Hands off MY woman. I may not really want her all that much, but no one else can have her!

Men may consider themselves as open and available to that fantasy woman right around the corner, but when you tell them you think it's only fair that you also would like to date, albeit without sneaking around and lying, they simply won't have it. Been there. Called his damn bluff.

Me too Offered my DH a indefinite hall pass but he quickly declined when I explained that it had to be reciprocal. Oddly enough it was that exchange that seem to have put the lid on his monogamy is unnatural spiel.

I admire a smart and bold woman!! Both also add to the attraction.

Funny, my DW once suggested a reciprocal hall pass when I was moaning about monogamy. It caused me to pause. Then I said I would consider it but only if she were cool with me investing some time with other women - taking them out for drinks, dinner, etc. She said no. I told her it wasn't going to be equal since she can have sex with whomever just by announcing her availability, whereas I would need to still seduce a woman.

So here we are back in our monogamous relationship. I agree, call his damn bluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read that female infidelity is much more likely to result in divorce than male infidelity. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, some economic. But I also suspect this is something men can't get over. Will be interested to see the replies,to your question OP.

It is pretty interesting. If I had to offer a theory, it's that most women make a very, very big deal about how sex is sacred, how it's so intimate, and how they could never imagine having sex with someone who they aren't absolutely in love with (and yes, I know this is largely horseshit).

Meanwhile, guys pretty much admit they'd fuck a pie if it was warm.

So when women cheat, men usually figure it's about more than just sex.

I feel pretty much the exact opposite. I am a woman, and I speculate that it's easier for a man to get over the emotional component of an affair than the sexual one. I had an affair when I was married to my first husband. We sought therapy and attempted to reconcile for over a year. In therapy, we discussed emotional needs and all the problems that lead up to the affair. My affair partner filled an emotional void in my life, but my husband didn't care about that so much. What bothered him the most and what he could never move past was the fact that I had had sex with another man. He flat-out said it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting question. Male here, I do not believe monogamy is natural. I find it suffocating. I can also seperate love from sex, and I accept that few marriages make it to death do us part without someone screwing up at some point. We have a great marriage, so I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away because of cheating.

If DW cheated as in one night stand, I would forgive her. I would also use that as a reason why I should be able to get it on outside of marriage.

If she was having a long affair I would be very hurt. Not just the emotional betrayal, but because I am the one constantly looking for more sex within the marriage. If she were turning me down while cheating, it would be hard to not take it personal. My marriage may not survive if it was a long drawn out affair.

She could be turning a H down and having an affair because the H is not great in bed, or she's bored with H, same as why some H have affairs.

Or because she gets the emotional intimacy from her AP that she doesn't get from her husband, and that's why she's turned on by her AP and not her husband. I mean, PP basically said he doesn't give a shit about her emotional life, because he wouldn't care about that betrayal. She's basically a sex toy to him.

+1

And another +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short answer, if she cheats it is unforgiveable and we will get divorced, the end.

(And no I would not cheat either)

People who make these kind of claims are most vulnerable. One thing I learned the hard way is to never be so cocksure about the state of the relationship and to assume that it's not vulnerable. You can say that you would never cheat, but you don't really know that with all certainty. I think the best way to protect and nurture fidelity in a marriage is to assume that anything is possible.