I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Friend, I am no stranger to feeling like the public side show. You would think after 10 years one would get immune, but no, it still sucks so badly. I could tell stories all day long.

I feel your pain and I have also had those intrusive "what if" thoughts. My younger two are NT and so, so easy compared to the oldest.

Wellbutrin for you and anti-anxiety meds for him. And change up the ADHD medication. Forget the therapist, find a good child psychiatrist. You can go see the therapists til the cow comes home but they can't fix brain chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? Does it need to be adjusted? Would hiring a summer nanny be a better solution than camp? It would allow your son to be home and the nanny and he could plan the day according to what he feels up to doing.

Just a couple of thoughts...

I tried hiring a summer nanny but they all wanted more than the $200/week we are paying for camp and I am not made of money and can't do that.

Yes, he is on medication and we have reached out to his pediatrician.

Our summer nanny is cheaper than camps although most of the camps around here are over $300 per week. For one child, I'd think a summer nanny would be about $300-$400 would be well worth it. I work 45 minutes away from home and have an ADHD and anxious child as well as a neuro-typical child and the summer nanny has provided a much better situation for us than camps. Kids cannot learn to self regulate when they are in camps and therefore need a home environment to work things out at their own pace on their own. Having a nanny verses camps easily covers several therapy sessions.

I don't live in DC. And while a summer nanny *might* help, it's just going to be hell in another 8 weeks when he has to go back to school with a new teacher and new kids. I'm honestly not focused on the short term fix, because it doesn't address the long term problem.

I think the best advice here is to consult a psychiatrist. I am going to do that today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here - to OP, I have no expertise on this topic or anything to add except that I understand how you feel and am sorry you have gotten some pretty shitty replies.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten some great advice and some sympathetic ears in this thread. But I think you know that your life isn't working for you.

Maybe it is time to downsize, your DH contributes 30% of the income and you seem very attached to your career. Have him become a SAHD, he can then deal with chores, dinner and getting your son to and from appointments. He can focus one on one with him and camp can be eliminated for some more therapeutic activities.

In this thread and the "vent it here thread" you've stated how miserable you are. Well, you and your DH are a grown ups now who are responsible for a child and your son is likely miserable trapped in his anxieties. You can wallow in your regrets of not reaching your goals all you want but none of that changes that you have a child who is ill and needs his parents to shift their priorities.

In both threads you seem to pose its either live this way or live poor in a trailer. That isn't true and I think you know that deep down, I think you just don't want to admit defeat. Guess what? There is no defeat to admit to. Life isn't what you thought it would be. You don't have the child you thought you would have. Welcome to the real world.

It sounds like your whole family is swimming up stream and barely keeping your heads above water. Its time to let go, slow down and make some sacrifices to relieve the tension on all of you. It might not be the life you want but it might just be the life you need.

+1 all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! [b] Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

I just made a wholesale change in my life two years ago, after the first year of this kind of behavior in DH. We moved hundreds of miles to get away from DC and be closer to family. That has not helped. Now our son talks all the time about missing DC and I've had therapists suggest that the move was a "trauma." So I can't win for trying. If I were to "embrace the life I need" we would have to do it all over again. We don't make a ton of money. Without DH's contribution we would have to sell our house. So then that would be yet ANOTHER change and I'd probably get slammed for that too, how I'm not giving him routine and predictably and stability and all of that. This is what gets me - somehow, no matter what we do, it's always our fault as the parents. There's always somebody there to second guess you. Or tell you what you SHOULD have done, or what they would do.

Plus, for the 87th time, you are wrong about my DH. The answer to every woman's problems is NOT that her husband is a useless piece of shit slacker who doesn't care.

Op I agree with you on this. It does feel like you can't win. As a parent you try and there are people who are too happy to point out what they think are your mistakes. It does sound like you have done a lot and sacrificed a lot. I feel like anyone who suggests anything makes you mad. I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of hope for your child though. How old is dc?

[Anonymous]

I am not the OP, but therapeutic camp is SUPER expensive. We are doing one for $540/week... and it is a way to drive to get him there every day! I bit the bullet but not everyone can even consider it. As it is, I only signed mine up for 2 weeks... I may add another 2 weeks after I see how it goes.

I have an ASD kid with social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

You say you moved to be close to family. Are they helpful? Is that an added stress. I ask because family added stress to my situation. I'm full of family who don't or won't understand my dc's issues and are of the mindset that my kid is just coddled. It's a joy.

[Anonymous]

Please take your child to a child psychiatrist to get the anxiety under control first bc until the anxiety is treated, any treatment/therapy/whatever for the ADHD is NOT going to work.

BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP; I think things can change more than you think they can. I have a friend whose child sounds very similar to yours. A year ago, his medical staff and parents decided to make treating his severe anxiety the primary priority. With medication for the anxiety and therapy specifically to teach him coping skills for the anxiety, he is like a new kid. This was a kid who never wanted to leave the house for anything, and had a lot of trouble engaging with other children at school and in playdates. His mom was at wit's end. Now, he happily participates in baseball and swim team. He has been in a school for kids with mild learning differences (mostly dyslexia, although that is one of his issues) and they are expecting to transition him back after one more year.

I would push for new treatment plans for you and him. It doesn't sound like the current regime is working for either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You say you moved to be close to family. Are they helpful? Is that an added stress. I ask because family added stress to my situation. I'm full of family who don't or won't understand my dc's issues and are of the mindset that my kid is just coddled. It's a joy.

Yes, they are helpful in taking him off our hands when we need a break. But I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about this, because I get the same attitude I get upthread - "your attitude sucks." Oh okay, thanks for the support. I'm having a bad day and your solution is to make me feel worse about myself. THAT is not helpful. So I don't talk about it to them, but I do reach out to ask for sitting help when I need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of an article I just read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-lin/special-needs-parenting_b_1314348.html

I love this article. I love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

I have to say, this is pretty much bullshit. Attitude is not everything. Most people can only take so much stress. Glad for you that you are a naturally optimistic, serotonin-filled person. But that's not to your credit, its just the way your brain is wired. Your DH"s feelings were as legit as yours.

[Anonymous]

Is arguing with posters and venting on them in two threads making you feel better? I hope so.

Seems like you need to work out some aggression.

Better here then thinking about kicking the shit out of your son, as you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

+1

You probably have anxiety and depression, OP. It runs in families.

I have two kids with anxiety/panic disorder and I have it, too. My kids sometimes freak out and melt down from seeing a swinging sign at the grocery store. You do your best and you make it work. You don't come up with a million ways you are a victim and blame everyone in the world. You decided to become a parent, so OWN IT and get out of your fantasy no-kids daydream.

Don't wait for a referral for a therapist. Find one on http://locator.apa.org/ and GO TODAY.