I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a super minor point, but just to offer up one tiny thing: my NT kid has no idea what the names are of kids at camp. Absolutely none. I think the kids who know the names of the other kids at that age are more unusual. The kids don't care.

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree that most kids don't seem to know other kids' names. What's important is more "that kid who likes to play soccer with me" rather than "his name is Jack."

And, FWIW, you said earlier the private didn't have a legal duty to accommodate you. I believe they do. They are a public accommodation with a duty to accommodate under Title III of the ADA. So it's a little different, but they still need to:

Provide goods and services in an integrated setting, unless separate or different measures are necessary to ensure equal opportunity.

Eliminate unnecessary eligibility standards or rules that deny individuals with disabilities an equal opportunity to enjoy the goods and services of a place of public accommodation.

Make reasonable modifications in policies, practices, and procedures that deny equal access to individuals with disabilities, unless a fundamental alteration would result in the nature of the goods and services provided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that separation anxiety is similar to an attachment disorder, and there are overlapping behaviors. Kids can be very clingy and have difficulty separating from their parents or caregivers. For the FBA, the way it works at the public school level involves a team of teachers, the psychologist, and the parents. The goal is to define the behavior in very specific and observable terms, along with all the known antecedents--where/when is the behavior occurring, what is usually the trigger? Demand/transition/loud noise/etc--and the observed consequences or outcomes--what happens immediately after the behavior occurs (attention? Access to a toy/person/activity/food? Removal from activity/person/location?). The idea is to gather enough clinical information to develop a hypothesis, and then to frame an objective to reduce the interfering behavior and/or teach a replacement behavior that will serve the same purpose for the child. There may also be changes required in the way the people around him respond to the behavior--sometimes our responses are inadvertently or unintentionally reinforcing the behavior. There may also need to be changes in his routines intended to prevent this learned behavior.

I know that's a lot of info--it can be complicated but it's a very thorough approach to understanding behavior in children. Have you ever considered public school where these special services would be more available to him, along with more access to classroom support?

This is very helpful, thank you. Yes we have considered other schools but do not feel that changing schools is a good move at this point or 100% warranted yet, and the therapist agrees. He does not deal well with change and has friends at school, so we want to try and make it work if we can. When he first began medication at the end of the school year it improved things dramatically. And we got a huge amount of support from his teachers and the counselors, who absolutely did modify things for him in ways that helped. And we will be working with our therapist and the school counselor to put their version of a 504 in place for him.

Is there any reason why, barring the school being uncooperative, that we couldn't hire someone to come into the school to conduct one of these? Do they follow him all day?

If the school is not familiar with FBAs, it does not sound like the school has the expertise to support your child. We had dramatic results with a FBA and behavioral plan but the school and teachers were familiar and knew what they were doing. It does not stop with an FBA, the point of the FBA is to come up with a behavioral plan and implement it. If the school has no experience working with a behaviorist and the teachers have little experience with implementing a behavioral plan which needs to be applied consistently and with "tweaking" as needed simply getting a FBA is not going to work.

You seem really resistant to making any "real" changes to solve your problems....

[Anonymous]

PS I think everyone should stop acting like OP's life is in total collapse and therefore she needs to take extreme measures like quitting her job or stop saving for retirement. She had a bad week, and posted something on a website that some of you found upsetting. Her kid doesn't want to go to camp. I'm not underplaying that it's a less than ideal situation, but, for those of us with SN kids, it's just another day in Paradise, as they say. She needs to re-group and re-assess, not totally upset the apple cart.


And I'm offended by the PP that said OP's current situation is the result of choices she made in the past, and her future is determined by choices she makes now. My child's SN are not the result of choices I made in the past. That's very 1950s of you, to blame the mom for the child's special needs. It must have been that soft cheese I ate while pregnant! (Actually, given the article in the NYT about the link between bacteria and neurological issues, it was more likely to be all that soft cheese that I DIDN'T eat while pregnant...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS I think everyone should stop acting like OP's life is in total collapse and therefore she needs to take extreme measures like quitting her job or stop saving for retirement. She had a bad week, and posted something on a website that some of you found upsetting. Her kid doesn't want to go to camp. I'm not underplaying that it's a less than ideal situation, but, for those of us with SN kids, it's just another day in Paradise, as they say. She needs to re-group and re-assess, not totally upset the apple cart.


And I'm offended by the PP that said OP's current situation is the result of choices she made in the past, and her future is determined by choices she makes now. My child's SN are not the result of choices I made in the past. That's very 1950s of you, to blame the mom for the child's special needs. It must have been that soft cheese I ate while pregnant! (Actually, given the article in the NYT about the link between bacteria and neurological issues, it was more likely to be all that soft cheese that I DIDN'T eat while pregnant...)

People are reacting to her "I wish I had never become a parent" bc "her kid doesn't want to go to camp."

If you act like your world is collapsing over what is in isolation a pretty minor problem, people are going to suggest dramatic changes bc it looks like the life you are living isn't working for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

OP here. I am not obligated to take advice that suggests I should decrease my HHI and limit savings and retirement potential, or that is a veiled attempt to make me or my husband feel guilty for having careers. Sorry if you think that makes me......whatever it is you think it makes me. I make $150K per year and we spend thousands putting our son in private because they have proven more willing and capable to work with him. I am doing what I have to do to take care of my family in the best way I know how. None of you know the exact particulars of my situation or my finances. When it came to suggestions of getting support for me, I said I agreed. If it angers you that I don't accept or can't implement every piece of advice well, that's not my problem. I do appreciate all of the people who offered suggestions for resources or strategies to help (I.e. a psychiatrist, special camps, etc). For example, I didn't even know they had special summer camps for kids with SN that aren't physical disabilities. Now I do.

OP, no one suggested you must take any advice whatsoever. You make it sound like you are doing DCUM a favor by agreeing to seek help. I don't know, I guess you are not in the right frame of mind to see how ridiculous this sounds. BTW, no one can make you feel anything (like a failure, guilty for having a career) without your consent. Not to say anybody was deliberatly trying to make you feel anything, which is also kind of a silly thing to say.

Best wishes. I hope you'll get the help you need.

No, but they sure did get bent out of shape when I explained why taking some of their advice would cause even more stress and challenges for my family. The suggestion was that I am (or DH is) putting my career over my kid, which I resent. At this point, my career bankrolls my family. So it's not really an option to dial it back or let it go completely, and I'm not interested in being a martyr to parenthood. I suppose that means I have a cold, black heart to some people. Oh well. Just one more way I am failing in some people's eyes. Whatever.

Well, I for one don't think you have a cold black heart. I do think that you put many things above your happiness and piece of mind.

You either have to accept your situation or change it. It is completely up to you. Most of us can't have it all, and for most of us something's gotta give. What many PPs tried to say was your situation is far from desperate, but you have too much on your plate to deal. Simplify however it makes sense for your family.

I don't have it all, whatever that means. I live pretty modestly. We make about $150K per year. We save aggressively for retirement. We go on domestic vacations. We live in a $220K house. Losing my husband's income means moving to an older home which will require more maintenance, because you can't really find anything newer where we live for less than we've paid. And I certainly can't quit my job. So I just don't know what it is that I'm putting before peace of mind. I'm living a solidly middle class lifestyle wth two working parents like tons of other people in this country. I'm not buying luxury cars or splurging on trips overseas or bankrolling a McMansion.

The one big thing I think would make life easier is upping our budget for a summer nanny. I really feel now that was the way to go. DH doesn't agree. So we are discussing that and I'll be asking the therapist about it. I have also decided to use basically all of my vacation time this summer to focus on this. That way my husband and I can tackle all if our son's appointments together I stead of trying to divide them and compare notes. I don't think that strategy has been particularly effective.

This was very helpful for my dh and I. I hated impacting his work but we failed at communicating well when we divided the appts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS I think everyone should stop acting like OP's life is in total collapse and therefore she needs to take extreme measures like quitting her job or stop saving for retirement. She had a bad week, and posted something on a website that some of you found upsetting. Her kid doesn't want to go to camp. I'm not underplaying that it's a less than ideal situation, but, for those of us with SN kids, it's just another day in Paradise, as they say. She needs to re-group and re-assess, not totally upset the apple cart.


And I'm offended by the PP that said OP's current situation is the result of choices she made in the past, and her future is determined by choices she makes now. My child's SN are not the result of choices I made in the past. That's very 1950s of you, to blame the mom for the child's special needs. It must have been that soft cheese I ate while pregnant! (Actually, given the article in the NYT about the link between bacteria and neurological issues, it was more likely to be all that soft cheese that I DIDN'T eat while pregnant...)

People are reacting to her "I wish I had never become a parent" bc "her kid doesn't want to go to camp."

If you act like your world is collapsing over what is in isolation a pretty minor problem, people are going to suggest dramatic changes bc it looks like the life you are living isn't working for you.

but anyone who made it through all of op's posts know this isn't because of her dc not wanting to go to camp. We all know this was a cumulative wearing down and breakdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that separation anxiety is similar to an attachment disorder, and there are overlapping behaviors. Kids can be very clingy and have difficulty separating from their parents or caregivers. For the FBA, the way it works at the public school level involves a team of teachers, the psychologist, and the parents. The goal is to define the behavior in very specific and observable terms, along with all the known antecedents--where/when is the behavior occurring, what is usually the trigger? Demand/transition/loud noise/etc--and the observed consequences or outcomes--what happens immediately after the behavior occurs (attention? Access to a toy/person/activity/food? Removal from activity/person/location?). The idea is to gather enough clinical information to develop a hypothesis, and then to frame an objective to reduce the interfering behavior and/or teach a replacement behavior that will serve the same purpose for the child. There may also be changes required in the way the people around him respond to the behavior--sometimes our responses are inadvertently or unintentionally reinforcing the behavior. There may also need to be changes in his routines intended to prevent this learned behavior.

I know that's a lot of info--it can be complicated but it's a very thorough approach to understanding behavior in children. Have you ever considered public school where these special services would be more available to him, along with more access to classroom support?

This is very helpful, thank you. Yes we have considered other schools but do not feel that changing schools is a good move at this point or 100% warranted yet, and the therapist agrees. He does not deal well with change and has friends at school, so we want to try and make it work if we can. When he first began medication at the end of the school year it improved things dramatically. And we got a huge amount of support from his teachers and the counselors, who absolutely did modify things for him in ways that helped. And we will be working with our therapist and the school counselor to put their version of a 504 in place for him.

Is there any reason why, barring the school being uncooperative, that we couldn't hire someone to come into the school to conduct one of these? Do they follow him all day?

If the school is not familiar with FBAs, it does not sound like the school has the expertise to support your child. We had dramatic results with a FBA and behavioral plan but the school and teachers were familiar and knew what they were doing. It does not stop with an FBA, the point of the FBA is to come up with a behavioral plan and implement it. If the school has no experience working with a behaviorist and the teachers have little experience with implementing a behavioral plan which needs to be applied consistently and with "tweaking" as needed simply getting a FBA is not going to work.

You seem really resistant to making any "real" changes to solve your problems....

No, the behaviorist does not follow him around all day. She will observe and speak to the parents and teachers and come up with a behavioral plan. In public school, the IEP team will go over the plan and make any changes and see how it goes. The teachers/parents/counselors may make more changes in the plan with consent of the IEP team as needed. The plan is usually a behavior chart, nothing complicated but for us, the change in behavior using one was like night and day and DS only needed it for 3 months.


However, it sounds like your son may not need a FBA at all once his anxiety is under control. If the behavioral issues are caused by anxiety, the first step is treating the anxiety and giving further supports like an FBA and/or meds for the ADHD as needed.


Good luck! When my son was having horrible behavioral issues last winter, I vented on DCUM too. It'll get better!

[Anonymous]

I know, but I can't believe more parents of SN kids aren't saying "yeah, I've been there." I have definitely had weeks where I would have said all of those things. There is a roller-coaster effect to all of this -- when you're down, you are down, but it doesn't mean that your whole life is broken and needs to be totally re-vamped. Because the truth is, you can re-vamp everything, and you are still going to have those terrible crappy days/weeks.

I think that most of OPs subsequent posts have been very reasonable (although she's understandably touchy about all the people insisting that her mental health issues are the real problem here, and that she needs to force her husband to quit his job or she doesn't really love her kid, etc.). She's at the beginning of what may be a long road, and she's figuring out what adjustments are needed to her path. Those are some of the hardest months/years. But her kid's issues are very treatable and it doesn't make sense to blow up her life because, right now, he's not in the right treatment. Even thought those days might make you want to drive off a bridge. I would say "Let she who has never wanted to drive off a bridge or leave her kid at the doorstep of the local fire station cast the first stone..." but there have been so many stones cast, that maybe there are a lot of saints on this board.

[Anonymous]

I learned the hard way that I just had to build in more time for decompression into my week.

Like you, like you're feeling right now: fucking exasperated, over it, tired beyond words, angry at the world, fiercely pissed off at yourself...all of that.

Someone on DCUM gave me a word for what I needed when all I could think of was that I should be more selfish. She said, "balance." My life doesn't allow for a lot of that, but, like I said, hitting this wall made me take myself into consideration more than I had been.

Girl, today it's just having lavender dryer sheets. That's the only thing making today better. Grab whatever you can for yourself and keep doing what you're doing re work and basically holding your world together.

I like nice sheets on my bed. I really like ginger tea. I don't get to take a vacation, and I don't get a reprieve from what life swings at me each day. So, I take pleasure in the smallest of things. It is what allows me to keep going.

Find something, anything that feeds you. There may not be room for individual therapy or a regular spa day, but there's room for a small something. Only you know what that might be.

Right now, the kids and I have been spending the night in our living room. I made a nest out of pillows and blankets and we all gather there in the evening for a picnic dinner. They can watch tv or play on their iPads. Sometimes, I'll go through some fun workbook exercises with them and we'll talk about our day. My laptop is there, so while they're immersed in Word Girl, I can get a few tasks done. Slowing things down sometimes helps.

I'm glad you've found out about the camps. I think this will be a bonus to you, not just DC. I've made wonderful connections with the parents I see at pick up (the van comes into the city, then heads out to the camp). They provide a little bit of that moral support that we all sometimes need. Maybe you'll find the same acknowledgement and fellowship with a specialized camp.

Okay, TL;DR. Do something nice for yourself. Build it into your regular routine. Slow things down when life gets out of control. Connect DC to resources that also may serve you.

Take care of yourself. No. Listen. Take. Care. Of. Yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's okay if your child ISN'T the most rewarding thing in the world for you. You obviously still need to be a good parent (and I bet you are) - and it's okay to need somewhere to vent. It's also okay to need to develop some outside interests of your own to stay sane.

Don't let people guilt you for having these socially "unacceptable" feelings. I think they're more common than is let on.

Best advice I've read in a long, long time. I'm a parent of an incredibly challenging and draining sn child and have finally learned how to let go of the guilt that says I have to love her with all my might and devote my life to her. That is a one way street to despair for me. My life, and that of my family, improved immeasurably when I got a job and started spending time away from her. At least for now, it's the best thing for all of us.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pp, and I just wanted to add that I really get what you're saying, especially about regret and not trusting your inner voice. For me, I knew I should only have one kid. KNEW it in my gut. I was a great mom to one. But I let friends and society convince me that only children are somehow lonely and sad. Bet you can guess what happened: #2 has severe medical and developmental disabilities. Our life is hell, and I have lived with incredible anger at myself for not trusting my gut and guilt for wishing he had never been born. It's awful to live with these feelings. There are many, many days - usually after he's screamed for hours or refuses to leave the house for days on end (he, too, has extreme anxiety)- when I just don't know how I'm going to keep doing this for years. All I can think about is the fact that I'm not smart enough, rich enough or have enough energy and optimism to deal with this child for 30+ years. In those moments I resent the fuck out of him, and I hate me.

So, I get it, OP, I really do.For me, those little breaks that everyone tells you to take just reinforced the fact that the life I "return" to is hell. I'm not sure you're there yet, but it took hitting rock bottom for me to see just how bad our lives had become and to seek some sort of practical help. For me, that's learning how to turn the "this will never ever end" voice in my head down just a little bit, at least enough so that I can breathe in the moment and either walk away or detach enough so that I can parent. It also means that I sleep (sometimes with the help of a pill) 6+ hours and that everyday I move (quick walk/run/jumping around). There's really no magic. You have to find a way to not see your entire future flash in front of you when you deal with him. Moment by moment. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP. The therapist never mentioned that. She mentioned separation anxiety. How do they differ? And what happens in this functional behavior assessment? No one has ever mentioned that to us before.

You don't know what an FBA is? What kind of research have you done? You didn't know there were therapeutic camps for kids with SNs? FFS, I found the site on the FFX Co web page when my oldest in K. We pay $80/wk and transportation is provided. BTW - that kid was on Prozac by the time he was in 3rd grade because his anxiety was so bad. He slept in a twin bed with his sister from K-2nd grade because he wouldn't sleep alone. Nothing you've said about your son's challenges are unheard of on this forum. Tons of us on the forum have faced the same challenges you have. The difference between us is we aren't snarky and bitchy when someone offers advice. You're probably a lot more like your son than you realize but you should have developed more restraint by now. You should spend more time problem solving rather than bitching, being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself. You'd find your life getting easier.

She doesn't listen to advice and is basically defensive and in attack mode. Probably why the situation has reached the breaking point. Her kid has an ADHD with anxiety diagnosis not exactly rare or the end of the world but she treats it like it is. Feel sorry for her son more than anything.

How can she hear to listen when shrilly and judgmental people like you two are trying to point out faults. So glad you two are so without your own imperfections and your shit doesn't stank.

[Anonymous]

How can she hear to listen when shrilly and judgmental people like you two are trying to point out faults. So glad you two are so without your own imperfections and your shit doesn't stank.

Welcome back to the thread, OP! Is your pity party over?

[Anonymous]

So the OP's pity party is having to parent a child with ADHD and anxiety?

THAT's what making her wish she has never become a parent. You have got to be kidding.