I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Also - yes, this is a big time outlay. I would hire an au pair if I were you, if you have the room. It sounds like you need a driver and that would be more cost effective and make your kid more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of an article I just read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-lin/special-needs-parenting_b_1314348.html

[Anonymous]

Have you looked into camps that keep kids for a few weeks straight (so the kids live there)? It might be a nice way to get a break from your kid, even if it is more expensive.
Do you have any family who could keep him for a week so you and your husband could rest and recharge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op if you took the step of posting here you are admitting you need help. What are you going to take away from this?

What is this? Are you my mom? Or my teacher? Jeez.

I already said I have:

1. Consulted my son's pediatrician about adjusting his medications
2. Reached out to my son's therapist with an update and to request a referral to a therapist for me

And I get that I am not alone in this.

What other big lesson are you expecting me to report to you here? What am I getting an inquisition here? Do you think this is helpful?

okay, it is time to walk away from the keyboard. Venting is good. But if you do it too long, it becomes destructive. Go for a walk. Watch some birds. Watch cat videos on y tube. Time to calm down.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm with you. I was in this mindset earlier this week, and could be there again with just 10 bad minutes at home. I didn't get married or have kids until I was old, and then mostly because the man I loved really wanted kids.

Both of us have said out loud to each other recently, more than once, that we never should have had kids. Without our kids we would be having an amazing life - truly amazing. With them we are stressed beyond measure, feel like utter failures as parents, are angry with ourselves and each other, feel hopeless and ashamed, and we despair at the prospect of the endless years of similar anguish we're facing.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that cuts for me than feeling like I'm failing as a parent. I'm not a good mother to my child, I'm not up to his challenges, I don't have sufficient patience or strength or energy or gentleness to get him through his dark patches and struggles. The poor kid got a bum rap and I know it.

From the outside I look like I have it all together. Inside I spend my time in a state of constant stress, torment and self-loathing - the only things that really vary are the degrees of each feeling. And sometimes we have a bit of fun.

I get it and I'm sorry you're in this state. I hope that time will bring a bit more peace to you.

In the meantime, can you find a physical outlet? A punching bag in your basement? Running? Yoga? I know it's hard to carve out time but if I can find a way to expend some energy it often helps. Sometimes I take 5 minutes to run stairs in my office building - which really seems nuts to others but it surprisingly helpful in clearing my mind and burning off energy that might otherwise be devoted to internal stress.

I also REALLY have to prioritize my own sleep, often at the expense of a tidy house, conversations w/ friends, even time w/ my husband. But I have learned that if I sleep enough I am infinitely better equipped to deal w/ my difficult life.

I hope the darkness of the moment lightens a bit for you.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! [b] Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

[Anonymous]

To OP. I had two children like yours and often thought of running away. The older one is now married, living nearby, with two adorable toddlers and an adoring husband. The younger one, after enlisting in Marine Corps, is an honor student in college engaged to a med student. Both were ADHD, poor students, anxious, often friendless and had MISERABLE childhoods but are now doing better than many of their peers who seemed like perfect children. I keep expecting to wake up back in a nightmare. Hard to believe, I know, but wait for the wheel to turn. You may be surprised.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some great advice and some sympathetic ears in this thread. But I think you know that your life isn't working for you.

Maybe it is time to downsize, your DH contributes 30% of the income and you seem very attached to your career. Have him become a SAHD, he can then deal with chores, dinner and getting your son to and from appointments. He can focus one on one with him and camp can be eliminated for some more therapeutic activities.

In this thread and the "vent it here thread" you've stated how miserable you are. Well, you and your DH are a grown ups now who are responsible for a child and your son is likely miserable trapped in his anxieties. You can wallow in your regrets of not reaching your goals all you want but none of that changes that you have a child who is ill and needs his parents to shift their priorities.

In both threads you seem to pose its either live this way or live poor in a trailer. That isn't true and I think you know that deep down, I think you just don't want to admit defeat. Guess what? There is no defeat to admit to. Life isn't what you thought it would be. You don't have the child you thought you would have. Welcome to the real world.

It sounds like your whole family is swimming up stream and barely keeping your heads above water. Its time to let go, slow down and make some sacrifices to relieve the tension on all of you. It might not be the life you want but it might just be the life you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you looked into camps that keep kids for a few weeks straight (so the kids live there)? It might be a nice way to get a break from your kid, even if it is more expensive.
Do you have any family who could keep him for a week so you and your husband could rest and recharge?

No way in hell, sorry. He can't stand to be separated from us for 6-8 hours. He would have a complete mental breakdown if we left him at camp for several weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because who imagines SN kids in their future? Who imagines any of the crappy part about kids when deciding to have kids?

just all the people who decide not to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! [b] Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

I just made a wholesale change in my life two years ago, after the first year of this kind of behavior in DH. We moved hundreds of miles to get away from DC and be closer to family. That has not helped. Now our son talks all the time about missing DC and I've had therapists suggest that the move was a "trauma." So I can't win for trying. If I were to "embrace the life I need" we would have to do it all over again. We don't make a ton of money. Without DH's contribution we would have to sell our house. So then that would be yet ANOTHER change and I'd probably get slammed for that too, how I'm not giving him routine and predictably and stability and all of that. This is what gets me - somehow, no matter what we do, it's always our fault as the parents. There's always somebody there to second guess you. Or tell you what you SHOULD have done, or what they would do.

Plus, for the 87th time, you are wrong about my DH. The answer to every woman's problems is NOT that her husband is a useless piece of shit slacker who doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op if you took the step of posting here you are admitting you need help. What are you going to take away from this?

What is this? Are you my mom? Or my teacher? Jeez.

I already said I have:

1. Consulted my son's pediatrician about adjusting his medications
2. Reached out to my son's therapist with an update and to request a referral to a therapist for me

And I get that I am not alone in this.

What other big lesson are you expecting me to report to you here? What am I getting an inquisition here? Do you think this is helpful?

You should be taking him to a child psychiatrist if he has ADHD+Anxiety.... If your child is "complicated", a pediatrician does not have the expertise. Also, your child should have a therapist if he "just" has anxiety.

You need more help too.


Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How old is your son? I can only imagine the horror watching him freak out about going to camp today. I also can imagine how terrifying it is for him.

Let us help you figure out some alternative summer plans for him. That, plus the help you'll be getting for his meds, will be one step in the right direction. Getting you the help you need will be another. But, for now, let us work with you to figure out another way around this summer mess.

For starters, is there any way you can work from home one day a week? What about DH? If you two can cobble together two "at home" days, that is two days that DS can stay relaxed at home and wile the day away doing his own things.

Are there summer camps specifically for kids with ADHD or anxiety issues? If so, can you swing one of those for a week or two? I understand that such camps are probably pricier than the $200/week you're spending now but, remember, we're just trying to patch together something to get through the summer.

I know you mentioned that the nanny was expensive. Maybe hiring one just for a week or two as a gap filler?

A vacation for the family? Again, you mentioned it's stressful to go out as a family but what about a week at the beach? No stress. No need to talk to anybody, tour anything, learn anything, DO anything. Just hang out on the beach, or at the pool, or in your condo...

A staycation at home?

Summer is only 10 weeks long before school starts again. Pushing him into this camp is going to make it seem like a lifelong nightmare but quilting together some different options on a weekly basis may help you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? Does it need to be adjusted? Would hiring a summer nanny be a better solution than camp? It would allow your son to be home and the nanny and he could plan the day according to what he feels up to doing.

Just a couple of thoughts...

I tried hiring a summer nanny but they all wanted more than the $200/week we are paying for camp and I am not made of money and can't do that.

Yes, he is on medication and we have reached out to his pediatrician.

Our summer nanny is cheaper than camps although most of the camps around here are over $300 per week. For one child, I'd think a summer nanny would be about $300-$400 would be well worth it. I work 45 minutes away from home and have an ADHD and anxious child as well as a neuro-typical child and the summer nanny has provided a much better situation for us than camps. Kids cannot learn to self regulate when they are in camps and therefore need a home environment to work things out at their own pace on their own. Having a nanny verses camps easily covers several therapy sessions.

[Anonymous]

NP here - to OP, I have no expertise on this topic or anything to add except that I understand how you feel and am sorry you have gotten some pretty shitty replies.